She wipes a few lost tears, and I can’t even bring myself to tear up. I’m pissed.
“Are you sure you want to hear this?” Her voice is barely audible.
I was until she said that—like that—even still I nod.
She takes a deep breath. “We’ve always been friends. After work one night, I was at Pete’s having a drink. I was remembering everything that happened that awful night as I just stared at the table where your dad and I sat when I lied to him and left him there. The memories haunt me every day. The hate I feel for myself, sometimes, just gets too much to bear. All the pain it caused you girls. I just didn’t want to feel the ache anymore, and when he came to the bar and smiled at me—I thought just one night would make it all stop hurting so much. He said some nice things, and for a moment, I let go because he understood pain like mine. We didn’t mean for any of this to happen.” She touches her stomach and mine sinks. Mine grows into this wide pit of anger and reaches up to grab my heart and crush it.
Her eyes lock with mine, she reaches for my hand, but I pull it away. “He understood pain?” I ask the question like a breath of air.
She nods and swipes at a tear that has fallen. “It was a mistake, Riley. A moment of weakness. It won’t change anything for you and Josh. I promise. I won’t let it.”
Oh, God. Everything is already changed between us.
She’s always with him. I never saw it—like it could never be a possibility. I’m already backing toward the door. “Riley, please? Try to understand.”
I halt and turn to her seeing Josh standing in the doorway to the hall with wide eyes. My sister is right behind him with the same shocked expression.
“Understand what, Mom? That you had sex with Josh’s dad and changed everything? Can you just for once not ruin my life with your fucked up decisions?”
She gasps at the same time as Tatum. Josh punches the wall on a curse. His dad puts his hand on his shoulder, but he shrugs it off.
“Riley, I’m still your mother. You can’t talk to me like that.” She gets all motherly now? Well, it’s too late.
I square my shoulders and grab my keys to my car. “I don’t have a mother,” I state harshly and then I leave.
My mom is on the porch hollering at me through tears to come back in the house. I’m ignoring her. Josh is running after me, but I don’t stop, though. My entire world is caving in on me, and I can’t breathe. I am completely alone. I climb inside my car and leave. I have no idea where I’m going. Just that I can’t stay there. I can’t believe she did that to me—to us.
There is no us, remember?
This is some twisted shit. What would that baby be to us? If they became a couple, raise the baby together, would that make Josh and I step siblings? Just great. I will forever be attached to him. I will never escape this pain—ever.
Tears are streaming down my face, and I can barely see. It’s flurrying, and the roads are icy, but I can see enough to know that’s Josh’s truck following behind me, honking his horn at me to get me to stop. His name is flashing on the phone that is ringing in the center console. I scream as I see the place I’ve somehow driven to. I climb out of the car at the cemetery and take off running to my dad’s grave. I’m yelling and screaming at him. “Why did you do this to me? Why did you leave her? Ahhhhh. I hate you! I hate you both so much!” Tears are burning my eyes. I feel sick.
I fall to my knees in the wet grass and bang my fist onto his grave. I feel Josh kneel down beside me, and he pulls me into his lap. I’m crying so hard and hitting at his chest. He grabs my wrist and ceases their movement. “Shhhh. Calm down. It’s okay. Shhhh...” I slow my breathing and try hard to compose myself. He smells so good. He loosens his grip on my wrist, and his hands glide up to my cheeks, where he rubs his thumbs under my eyes to catch my tears. We’re both on our knees staring into one another’s eyes as our future becomes more uncertain with each breath we take. It’s always their fault. We’re both breathing so fast with wild, crazed eyes. “Baby?”
“Don’t call me that, please, it hurts,” I beg.
His eyes study mine as he sighs, and they are full of the same pain I have. It’s below freezing outside, and I’m dressed in my jeans, a t-shirt and my flip-flops. I’m shivering and sobbing, my tears sticking to my cheeks painfully. He picks me up and carries me to his truck in his arms. He puts the heater on and wraps his leather jacket around me as he holds me to his chest with my head on his shoulder as my body trembles. I miss the way his heartbeat feels beneath my cheek. We sit there for the longest time in silent reprieve, but eventually he loosens his hold on me.
I climb off of his lap and curl up in the passenger seat with my knees pulled up. My heart is crumbling. The air with him is suffocating me. We sit in the truck in the quiet watching the flurries fall. I don’t know what he’s thinking, but I know that what I’m thinking is breaking my heart in two. For as long as I can remember, the odds have been against Josh and me. There have been so many damn roadblocks, whether self-made or cruel twists of fate. It’s all starting to make sense, how we fell apart. I feel like someone is stabbing me in the chest, turning the knife and letting me bleed out.
I turn to look at Josh, and notice the deep frown line on his forehead. He mirrors my move of leaning into the seat, and looks over at me.
“Thank you for coming to find me, Josh,” I whisper.
He brushes his knuckles along my cheek, and I shut my eyes consumed by that one touch.
“I will always find you,” he says with all sincerity.
I believe him. He will always find me when I’m lost because he is my best friend, or was. But what happens when we are both lost? Who finds us? I guess that’s why we are here—broken and without each other.
FEBRUARY
I don’t know how one survives without their heart, survives when they are splintered into pieces. I’m crushed and hate the evil bitch that is fate or life. I just hate. That is what I feel...hate.
I’ve spent the past hour listening to Em and Collin having sex—twice. I’m sick with envy, with rage. I’m in the kitchen debating on drinking some more when they both come in the room looking well taken care of. Fuck them! I hate them. Another visit home for her, another knife in my heart as Josh stays behind.
“Riley, you have to come out with us tonight. You can’t stay here moping around anymore.” Em declares. Who made her ruler of my decisions?
“You mope around here?” Collin asks, concerned.
“Yes, she never goes to parties, never leaves this apartment much. All she does is sit around here drinking until she pukes. Does it make you feel better? Is Josh home moping around like that? Fuck him, Riley.” I hate her right now. I don’t want to know if he is or isn’t.
Collin’s eyes meet mine, and I see the pity. He knows if he is or isn’t, and everything I see in his eyes makes me think Josh isn’t moping at all. “Fine, I’ll go but I’m drinking. So, don’t expect me to be your fucking DD. Got it?” I sneer and head to my room to change.
“What the fuck, Ri? I’m worried about you. You don’t need to be such a bitch about it,” she says following me.
“Fuck you and the way you worry about me, Em. I love you, but just don’t worry about me so much. I’m good.” I stare at her, waiting for her to leave my space.
She just stares at me, dumbfounded at my outburst. “We’re leaving in half an hour. K?”
“K.”
“Where are we?” Collin asks as we walk into a house littered with people.
Emily shrugs, “I found some paper about it on campus. Figured it’s a party, what the hell.”
We walk through the pit of people scattered throughout the yard and make our way inside. Once inside, the stench of smoke is overwhelming, the air thick. There is a long hallway open to a large living space, which sits a couch and some chairs, but mostly writhing sweaty bodies dancing to The XX.
I haven’t made much of an effort to make many new friends on campus, although, I do recognize many faces th
at I see.
“Want me to go get y’all drinks?” Collin asks.
“Beer, please.” I say, plastering my fake smile onto my face.
“Em?”
“Surprise me, baby.” She places a lingering kiss to his mouth. It makes me sick. I roll my eyes and look away. As if my heart wasn’t already cold and pissed off, I catch sight of Dean in the corner—his eyes locking with mine, instantly.
He’s always around—watching me.
A girl is grinding all over him; he just lets her—as he watches me.
I look away.
Fucking perfect. The one I love is never around and throws me aside, while the one I hate and loathe is always lurking in the shadows.
“Here you go.” Collin hands me my beer and Em something in a cup. Of course, they immediately begin to snuggle up against each other. I take a long pull of my beer and realize this isn’t going to numb what hurts enough.
Bad by Wale filters through the speakers—this is Em’s favorite song. “Hey, Riley. Will you hold this? We’re going to dance.” She hands me her cup, not even waiting for my response. Bitch.
I watch them dance seductively and decide to fuck it. I drain whatever is in her cup—Jack and coke—good option. I head to kitchen where a guy is taking keys and serving drinks.
“What’s your poison, princess?”
“Jack and Coke—mostly Jack, please.” I tilt my head sweetly and smile.
He eyes me instantly, looking me over with appreciation. It makes me want to vomit. He hands me the cup, and I swallow down the burn in several gulps, placing my red cup back down for a refill. His eyebrow quirks up and he holds out the bowl of keys. “Keys?”
“I’m not driving.”
He nods his head and makes me another. “Thanks,” I smile sweetly.
“Any time, sweetheart,” he smirks.
I bet.
Several drinks later, thanks to a few strangers, I’m well on my way to feeling numb, just how I like it. I hate that I do this to myself. That I can’t handle pain—that I drown it in liquor. It’s not healthy. It’s just tonight...I don’t care about it. I don’t care, anymore. I’m tired of life giving me what I want and then ripping it away from me. I’m tired of thinking about Josh all the time, and yet even numb I’m thinking about him.
Valentines had come and gone as I had held Tink in my arms. That night a few days ago, I remembered everything I lost. Stop thinking about him, Riley. My legs feel like jelly. My head is swimming.
Crave You by Flight Facilities is playing, and I climb on top of the coffee table as I begin to dance. My hips are moving from side to side, and my hands are running up and down my body and thrashing in the air.
I haven’t seen Collin or Em since they went upstairs. I’m sure to fuck again in one of the spare bathrooms. I’m so hot. I’m sweating. Next thing I know my shirt is off, and people are cheering for me. I use my shirt to wipe the sweat beads off of my chest and stomach.
But now I’m sleepy—so sleepy. I stumble off the table as guys catch me and attempt to help me and grope me at the same time.
One guy tries to steer me one direction with him, but Collin appears with his hand firmly around my waist pulling me away.
“Oh, my God. Are you drunk?” Em asks, looking pretty tipsy herself.
I laugh, and lean my head back on Collin’s chest because it’s so heavy. I hold up my thumb and index finger like pinchers and say, “Just a li’l bit.”
“Fuck, Riley. You can’t keep doing this. Put your fucking clothes on. Dammit.” She scolds me like a parent would a child. I know I can’t keep doing this, but for tonight it’s too late to realize that and change my mind.
Collin is watching me intently as I try to put my shirt back on. He’s concerned about me. He should be. I’m damaged. “He wouldn’t want you doing this to yourself, Riley,” he says in my ear since it’s so loud.
Now, I’m pissed. “Who the hell asked you? He doesn’t even care about me.” And now I want to cry. No, no, no. I snatch the drink right out of Em’s hands and down it.
“Shit, Riley. Stop this.” She snatches the cup back. “I have to pee, but we need to get her out of here. Keep an eye on her, okay? She doesn’t make the best of decisions when she is like this as you can tell.” And then she leaves up the stairs to the bathroom.
I stare at Collin, contemplating my escape as he pulls me into the hall. I don’t want to go home with them. I don’t want to hear them anymore. I don’t want to picture Josh’s hands on me, wishing he were with me like that. I can’t.
“Hey, Collin. I’m sorry. You’re right. I um, I need to sober up. Would you mind getting me a water?” I ask, smiling sweetly—somehow managing to get the words out.
He studies my eyes for a moment but nods his head. “Stay here,” he demands, but as soon as he steps away, I make my escape.
I need fresh air. As soon as I get outside and round the corner of the house, my stomach empties some of the contents of the liquor. Apparently, Jack and I aren’t agreeing either. When I stand back up—although, barely standing on my own, I stumble a few steps before I fall.
I feel his eyes on me—they are always on me.
“Riley?” Dean’s deep voice fills my ears.
“Huh?” I ask looking up from the ground.
“What are you doing down there?” he asks.
I laugh. “It’s these damn shoes. They won’t work on my feet. Fuckers,” I say, pulling my heels off and throwing them to the side.
He watches me with an unreadable expression. It sort of creeps me out. “What are you doing out here...alone like this? It’s not safe.” He kneels down and grabs my curl. Something about the way he said ‘safe’ makes a cold chill sweep across me, and I hate that he twirls my curl like he has a right to.
“Collin and Em wanna make me go home, but I don’t wanna go with them.” I sound whiny and ridiculous. Why am I even talking to him?
He’s smiles, takes my heels in his hands and offers me his hand. I don’t take it. He sighs heavily. “I can drive you to your mom’s if ya want?” he asks.
I stare at him, knowing the right answer in my head is NO. This is Dean. Creepy, stalkerish, Dean. I lay my head on the grass and feel the drowsiness pulling me under. I can’t keep my eyes open.
I feel him pick me up, and I know I should scream, I should fight for him to put me down, but I’m too tired. My brain won’t make my body do what it should.
He places me in the front seat of a car and buckles me in.
My eyes are so heavy, and my head becomes clouded. My veins feel tingly, and everything is blurry.
I feel lips press against mine. “Josh?” I mutter.
“Yeah, baby. It’s me.” Something bright flashes against my eyes and I turn my head towards it seeing a familiar face on the outside of the car.
“Preslee?” I swear that’s her taking my picture with—I turn my eyes and find Dean smirking with evil dancing in his eyes. OH, MY GOD!
To be continued...
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Synopsis for Emerge into Forever (The Shifting Series, Book 3)
*Available now*
She escaped the doubt, and he embraced the moment. Shifting apart then shifting together. Could they finally emerge into forever?
One secret broke his trust, which led to both of their heartbreak. They both learned that sometimes love just isn't enough. Until now.
Nothing with them had ever been simple and coming home to right his wrong would be no different. Josh was prepared to say or do anything to fix his mistake and mend what he had broken between them. He wasn't expecting to find out his worst nightmare had come true. As usual, though, not everything is as it seemed.
Riley had been slowly spiraling into a dark hold of loneliness and despair without Josh. Rebuilding walls he had once broken down, pushing away everyone around her. One self-destructive mistake left her unguarded and vulnerable causing her past to slam i
nto her present with painful force. Destroyed by Josh's assumptions then given hope by his reassurance, she climbs out of the dark and back into his arms. He’s her light and she’s his music.
Enough is enough and communication is key. No longer hiding behind walls and past screw-ups, they fight like hell for what they want. One another. Always wanting more.
Apart they are a mess, but together they are music.
Not recommended for anyone under the age of 17 due to underage drinking, sexual content and adult language.
Author recommended books:
The Fairfield Series by MaryAnn Jordan
Emma’s Home (Fairfield Series, Book 1)
A stand-alone novel; the books in the series can be read in any order.
For readers age 18+ due to mature subject matter.
Emma Dodd has always taken care of everyone. She raised her niece when they were orphaned and she cares for the students that she works with. Deciding to move to Fairfield where her niece now lives, she was hoping to finally find a place to call home.
Jake Campbell, was gorgeous enough to catch any woman’s eye, but he had a hard time finding the right one for him. A Fairfield detective, he lives with his mother to help care for her since she was diagnosed with a debilitating disease. After meeting Emma, he knows he has met the woman of his dreams. Now he just has to convince the independent Emma that it is time someone took care of her.
While helping one of her students, Emma becomes suspicious of criminal activity in her new town.
Will Jake be able to save Emma in time for them to build a life together?
Laurie’s Home (Fairfield Series, Book 2)
A stand-alone novel; the books in the series can be read in any order.
For readers age 18+ due to mature subject matter.
Beautiful Laurie Dodd was perfectly happy with her life. Raised by her loving aunt, she was ready to discover life out on her own. A new town, a new teaching job, a new apartment, and new friends. Finding a new man was not on her list, especially not one with the reputation of a player.
Embrace the Moment Page 26
