by Max Vos
“As soon as I can, Carl, just as soon as I possibly can,” I almost shouted into the phone.
“We love you, and want you back home, son.”
I could barely speak I was so emotional. “I… love you, guys, too. I want to come home, so I’ll do my best to get things tied up here. As soon as I’ve got every… oh hell, I’ll be there as quick as I can. I promise.”
“That’s ’bout as good as it gets.” Carl chuckled.
“When’s he coming back?” Matt asked in the background.
“I love you, guys. I’m going to get cleaned up and head over to the office to turn the article in.” I rolled over and tossed the covers off. “Once the editor reads it over, that will tell the tale. I’ll let you know how it goes.”
“We’ll be lookin’ forward to hearing how about it. Bye for now, Carter.”
When Carl and I ended the call, I jumped out of bed and dashed to the shower. I felt like a kid at Christmas. It didn’t matter that I’d not had a lot of sleep. I was now fully energized and anxious for the day to begin.
I was at the office and at my desk by 8:30 a.m. Even though I’d only had three hours sleep, I felt like I was on top of the world. When my editor came in, I handed him the article, not saying a word.
I sat at my desk, cleaning it out. I started boxing up the few items I wanted to take with me, giving some things away to co-workers, and throwing a good amount away. When my editor called wanting to see me in his office, I went walking in with a smile.
“Carter, I think this is the best piece of journalism I’ve seen in quite some time. Excellent work,” he complimented me, something that I’d never really had from him before. “The ending is… well, unorthodox, to say the very least. You know I don’t like personal opinions stated in this kind of work, but I think this time it fits. Letting the readers know how you felt before and then after meeting these guys, puts a lot of weight behind what they have to say. I especially like the quote you used, ‘those who hate love,’ very poignant.”
“Thank you, Mr. Katz. Have you thought any about my being able to work remotely?” I didn’t even take a pause between sentences.
“Well, no, I’ve not really, why?” Looking shocked, he studied me, knowing something was up.
“Mr. Katz, I’m moving to Indiana.”
There, I said it. Put it right out there for him.
“What?” he roared, standing up, almost knocking his chair over.
“I said, I’m moving to Indiana. I plan on being there within the month, sir.” I hadn’t even thought of a timeline until that very moment. “I would very much like to keep working for you and for the magazine, but this is something that I have to do.”
“Fuck, Carter, you drop this on me like some kind of bomb! What do you expect me to say?” He scowled at me from across his desk.
“What I’d like you to say is that you would also like for me to continue to work for the magazine. You said yourself this article was good. This move is only going to make me better, sir. That is something I am sure of. I’m as sure of that as I am that the sun is going to rise tomorrow.”
“Well, Carter, I can’t argue that this piece is as good as it gets,” he said, holding up the article I had just handed him.
“Thank you, sir, I really do appreciate that. It means a lot to me coming from you.”
“Okay, Carter, I’m going to say yes… for now. I gotta say, I wasn’t so sure about you when I first hired you, but you have been growing a lot, and I’d hate to lose you just as you’re getting good. However, I expect to see regular work from you and it had better be top notch. I’ll still send you on assignments and I expect you to dig up your own jobs as well, just like we have been doing, you got that?” he barked.
“Yes, sir, loud and clear, sir. Mr. Katz, you won’t regret this, I promise you.” I got up and shook his hand enthusiastically.
“You’d better not make me regret it!” Mr. Katz grumped. “When will you be clearing out of here?”
“I’ve just about got my desk all cleaned out,” I said smiling.
“What the fuck!” Albert Katz slammed his hand down on the desk. “What if I had said no, Carter? What the fuck then?”
I stood there a moment before answering, debating how to answer him. “I’m sorry, Mr. Katz, but I would have resigned, effective immediately.”
“So much for fucking loyalty!” he yelled. “I should have known better. You young brats right out of school have no clue as to what the mean of work ethic means.”
“I think you may have that backwards, Mr. Katz. It is exactly that work ethic that would make me give my resignation.”
The Editor in Chief of the magazine sat heavily onto his chair. “You care to explain that one to me. In all my years, that’s one excuse I’ve not heard.”
“Uh, well, you see, sir, if I were to stay here my heart wouldn’t be in it. Matter of fact, my heart would be broken.” I could feel my eyes fill with tears. “For the first time in my life I know what having a family and a home is supposed to feel like.” I looked up, my gaze fixed on my boss. “Sorry, Mr. Katz, but that is something I won’t give up for this magazine, or you. I hope you understand.”
Albert Katz leaned back in his chair, his hands lifeless in his lap. “Carter, I had no idea. Everyone deserves someone to love them. Hell, even me. I think I understand now. “
“Thanks, Mr. Katz.”
“It has been my opinion that those who are happy at home are happier at work—are more productive and creative, if you will.” He stood up and extended his hand. “Carter, I wish you all the luck in the world. I really mean that.”
I shook the man's hand, only the second time that had ever happened. The first time had been the day he hired me. “That means a lot to me, sir.”
“But, if you think that I’m gonna sit back and let you shirk work, you’ve gotta another think coming. I’ll fire your cute little ass so damn fast your head will fucking spin off your body!” he yelled, both hands flat on the desk in front of him. “The shit you turn in had better be top notch, you got me, boy?”
“Sir, yes, sir,” I said, saluting him, trying to hold my smile back.
“Now get the fuck outta my sight before I change my goddamn mind. The mind I think I just fucking lost. Fucking kids these days… Now get. I’ve got real work to do.”
“Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.”
I made a hasty retreat just in case he did decide to change his mind.
There wasn’t a lot of stuff for me to pack up. It all fit in one box. I said goodbye to the few people I was friends with in the office and left. There were a lot of puzzled looks as I walked out. As the elevator doors closed, I had to giggle. I knew people would be scavenging my desk, looking for whatever goodies I’d left behind. They were in for a big surprise. I took most office supplies I had. I wasn’t fired, or quitting; I was only relocating. They were going to be disappointed.
Things moved fast after that. I gave notice on my apartment. I traded in my compact car for a large SUV, using a lot of the money I’d been saving up for a condo here in the city. I called a friend of mine who knew someone who would buy used furniture and stuff like that. I had most of it sold off within two days. By the end of the week, I had taken care of everything I needed to. I should be able to move and not have to come back. The exception to that would be if I needed to return to the main office for anything. I could always get a hotel for that or crash with a friend.
I Google Mapped a route to Indiana. I realized it was going to be a two-day drive, if I made good time. I worked like a demon getting everything packed that I wanted to take with me, which in the end wasn’t all that much. That made me realize how empty my life had really been.
Each night I had talked to Matt and Carl, although I never told them exactly what I was doing. I kept telling them I would be seeing them soon, and that I was working hard to make it happen. I explained I would be keeping my job and working from home, except when I had to travel, which might be often
, for a little while at least. Well, until I was more established as a journalist. That was only partly true. I was going to be seeing them a lot sooner than any of us expected. I didn’t feel too bad about not telling them the whole truth. I really wanted to surprise them.
It only took me one week to do everything, a lot faster than I had expected. The following Tuesday morning, I pulled out into traffic heading south-west. With a sigh of satisfaction, I turned some music on and let the big SUV eat the road up.
That first day, I started getting tired earlier than I had expected. I supposed with all the excitement, and running on adrenaline for the last few days, everything had finally caught up with me. I saw a chain hotel advertised and pulled off for the night. I ordered room service, called Carl and Matt, never telling them I was already on the way. When I hung up from them, I was out like a light. I think I may have been asleep before my head ever hit the pillow.
I woke up early the next morning, ordered up some coffee, took a long hot shower, and hit the road. The sun was rising behind me as I headed west. When I stopped for gas, I also picked up a few things to eat so I wouldn’t have to stop unless I need to take a whiz. I did a quick calculation and figured I wasn’t quite halfway, but I was determined to be there before nightfall.
Late that afternoon, I pulled into the driveway parking beside the house. I blew the horn while I waited for the dust to settle. Carl walked out onto the porch. I could see he was wondering who the hell it was in the new Explorer. When the dust finally cleared, I opened the door and stepped out. The smile followed by the yell, or whoop or whatever that sound was he'd roared out, made me shiver all the way down to my toes.
I was home.
Carl ran and picked me up, swinging me as he kissed my face. Then I saw Matt jumping up and down like a kid at Christmas. As soon as Carl set me down, Matt picked me up, squeezing the breath out of me while he licked my face like a dog.
“Put me down you fucking moron and quick licking me!” I yelled and laughed at the same time.
“I can’t believe you’re home. You are home to stay, aren’t you?” Matt questioned, his brows furrowed.
“Yes, I’m home. I’m home to stay.”
Epilogue
Thirty years later
I LAY THERE looking down at Matt’s tear stained face, finally having fallen asleep. We were lying on our sides facing each other. Matt had his head resting against my chest, his larger hand lay limply on my hip. I knew I would have bruises the next day where he had gripped me so hard there a short while before.
As he slept, I brushed the hair back from his face, his beautiful face. I saw the youthful, dynamic young man, hidden underneath the weathered skin from working out in the sun, hidden beneath the wrinkles that now lived in the corners of his eyes. As I stroked his sandy-brown locks that the sun had smiled upon, I saw the grey at his temples as well as the silver starting to fleck the rest of his tresses. Yes, he was still one of the most beautiful men I’d ever seen, and I still loved him. If it were possible, I may actually have loved him more than ever before.
I closed my eyes, trying to not feel the pain and heartache of the past two weeks. A pain I knew would never go away. Maybe over time it would become more bearable, but it would never completely go away. This I knew with every fiber of my being.
Two weeks ago, Carl died. While walking back from collecting eggs, he fell on the path from the chicken coop, halfway between the house and the barn. The medical examiner said that he was probably dead before he even hit the ground—the result of a massive heart attack.
I found Matt lying beside him on the ground. “No daddy, please. Daddy, please, please don’t leave me, please. I love you. You can’t go yet, it’s not time. Oh, daddy, please, please, please!” He was sobbing and rubbing the side of Carl’s face.
I stopped dead in my tracks. The pain coming from him… the sound like a wounded animal, tore at my heart. This couldn’t be happening. Carl was our rock, he couldn’t be gone. Slowly, I walked toward Matt and Carl. Falling to my knees on the other side of Carl from where Matt was, I leaned down and put my head against his chest. There had to be a heartbeat, I begged silently. I was looking for a heartbeat that I knew as well as my own, but there was none. Looking at Carl’s face, I knew he was gone. There was a peace about him that told me all I needed to know.
I nudged Matt. “Stay with him, I’m going to call an ambulance.” I ran to the house, barely holding it together. I called 9-1-1 and stayed on the phone with the operator until I heard the sirens.
Running back out to where Carl and Matt were on the ground, I motioned for the ambulance, letting them know where we were. Everything seemed to go in slow motion. They examined Carl, putting in an I.V. in his arm, even though I knew deep down that it was futile. Looking at their faces, I think they did too. They tried, or made a good play at it, allowing Matt and me some thread of hope. I knew better, as my own heart seemed to break a little piece at a time.
The next few hours were the worst of my life. Matt and I left the hospital, alone. Carl was dead. We never got to say goodbye. Matt and I were now on our own. I am sure that in the back of our minds we’d known this day would come, but not yet. Please, not yet. But it had.
I drove back home with Matt in obvious shock. During the entire trip back home, neither of us said a word. Walking into the house, we still had not spoken. I went and got us a couple of beers and pulled out the dusty bottle of tequila I had gotten a long time ago. I think we had only had one drink each out of it. If ever there was a time that I needed something stronger than beer, it was now. I poured each of us a shot, went over to where Matt was sitting and sat down next to him. Nudging him, I handed him the beer and the shot. He looked at me and nodded. We both took the shot and chased it with the beer.
We sat in total silence, not knowing what to say. I got up, went and got the bottle of tequila, and poured us another couple of shots. At some point, we were leaning on each other, drawing comfort from just touching. There was a comfortable silence surrounding us. I could hear the crickets and cicadas chirping their summer songs. The sun, just setting, cast a warm orange glow in the room.
“He left us without saying goodbye.” Matt finally spoke, his voice hoarse, barely above a whisper. The old clock on the wall said it was almost eight in the evening. Only then did I realize those were the first words he’d said since the ambulance had arrived at the house.
We sat there. Drinking. Talking only every once in a while. No words were really needed. What we needed was each other. We just sat next to each other, always touching in one way or another. It wasn’t long before the sun was coming up. The bottle of tequila lay empty, and there were beer bottles covering the coffee table as well as some on the floor. The odd thing was, I didn’t feel the least bit drunk, and I should have been wasted with all that we’d had to drink.
Poking Matt, I stood up and reached out for his hand. He took it and I helped pull him to his feet. I led him to the bedroom where I started to take his clothes off. He stood there like a zombie watching me. It was the first time I had stripped Matt without the intention of having sex with him. It's odd how little things like that pop into your head at times like that. Once Matt was naked, I got undressed as well. We got into bed and held each other.
Sleep was slow to come, but come it did. When I woke up it was one in the afternoon. Matt was still sleeping. As I got up, I felt the effects of the drinking I had done. I went into the bathroom and got the aspirin bottle, taking a few with a glass of water, and leaving it out. I figured Matt was going to need it as well.
I staggered into the kitchen where I started some coffee. It wasn’t long before I heard Matt moving about, and a low moan. A grin played with the corners of my mouth, knowing how Matt was feeling. It wasn’t long before Matt shuffled down the hall, making his way to the kitchen. I had a cup of coffee poured and waiting for him by the time he got to the breakfast bar.
“Thanks,” he mumbled, before taking a sip of the strong coff
ee. After a few sips of the strong brew, he finally looked at me.
“Welcome,” I replied.
We each stood there in the kitchen with our cups of java, still not talking.
While on our second cups, I asked, “What do we need to do?”
“What do you mean?” he asked me.
“I mean, do we need to call anyone or let any of your family know or anything?”
“I don’t know. I guess we need to look in the safe and see what he had planned. I remember a few years ago, he made us write down our final wishes and all. Then that attorney came out and took it and made it all legal and shit?” Matt said rather blankly.
“Oh yeah, I remember. I’d forgotten.” I suddenly recalled. “I guess the first thing we need to do is go and take care of the animals. Louise is probably ready to bust a gut, needing to be milked.”
“You take care of her and I’ll go get the rest taken care off. You seem to have a way with that old heifer.” Matt drained his coffee and headed back to the bedroom. “She hates my guts for some reason, the ol’ bitch.”
I followed him into the bedroom. “I think she just thinks your hands are too rough for her teets.”
Matt only grunted a response and he pulled his well-worn cowboy boots on.
We made our way out into the yard, heading off in different directions. Matt came back with a basket of eggs and I with a nearly full pail of milk, meeting up where we had parted. We both suddenly stopped, staring at the spot where Carl had fallen, leaving us behind.
Matt and I went back into the kitchen after dealing with the eggs and milk. We each took another cup of coffee. Matt looked up at me, and without having to say a word, we walked back into the office. He opened up the safe, shuffled through some papers and pulled out a manila, letter-sized envelope. Opening it, he took a deep breath and started to read aloud.
Carl’s wishes were simple, like the man he was. Yes, we were to notify any relatives of his passing, but inform them that there was not going to be a funeral service of any kind. If Matt and I wanted to have a memorial or wake of sorts, that was okay with him, but he was leaving that decision up to us. He wished to be cremated and his ashes either kept, if we wanted, or to be spread around the farm, our choice. It was all very simple.
