She smiled at the Salvation Army Santa on the corner ringing his bell, and stuffed a bill into his pot. Turned suddenly, as she felt someone close behind her, her heart constricting at the perceived threat of a hand on her shoulder.
Only busy shoppers scurrying in either direction.
"Something wrong, Miss?" the Santa asked.
No, nothing."
She wished him happy holidays, and tried to recapture her sense of good cheer.
It was snowing again when Caroline headed home, struggling with her packages and the small fir tree she'd bought from a teenage boy selling trees in front of the hardware store. The smell of it so close to her face, brought to mind other Christmases, not those at Bayshore, but Christmases from her childhood. How could she have forgotten? Carols playing on the old stereo. Her father trimming the tree, while her mother served them eggnog with sprinkles of nutmeg on top. Yes, the birth of the baby Jesus was well celebrated in her home.
As she neared her building, she saw the blond man going up the stairs. The piano player. Tall and slender, he was wearing a camel hair coat with the collar up, a white wool scarf draped about his neck. His fair hair was speckled with snow. She took him all in, in an instant.
Seeing her, he smiled and came back down the steps. "Hello. Miss Hill, isn't it? Please, let me help you with that."
He had such a lovely voice. Deep and resonant. She wondered if he sang as well as played the piano. "Thank you," Caroline said, as he took the tree from her arms. She brushed the needles from her coat, which gave her a moment to contain herself. He was very handsome. It was the first time she had seen him up close, but she knew who he was from his dress, the way he moved. "You're the piano player," she said.
He shook the snow from the tree before taking it inside the foyer, and she liked how thoughtful he was. "Guilty as charged. I'm Jeffrey Denton. Hope my playing doesn't disturb you. I use the headphones when I think of it. That way, only I can hear it."
She preceded him up the stairs. Outside her door, he stood the tree against the door and removed his gloves, and extended a hand. "Jeffrey Denton. Nice to meet you finally, Miss…"
"…Caroline Hill," she said. His hand was warm from being inside the glove, and the warmth traveled through her. "I'm happy to meet you. I… I like it very much when you play. I'm always sorry when you stop."
"Well, then, I have your permission to forego the earphones."
"Yes, you do." He had seemed so serious, but now she saw the playful grin and knew he was teasing her. She looked to the tree for refuge. "It's just a little tree," she said. "But I wanted my room to feel Christmassy."
"It's a lovely tree. I've seen you from my window, Caroline. I guess considering we both live in this building, it was inevitable that we meet. I'm sorry it took so long."
"Yes. Well, thank you very much for your help. I'd better…"
"I…uh, I'd like to get you know you better. Maybe you'll consider having a Christmas drink with me. Some wine and music. I hope you won't think me too bold. I…"
"Yes, please. I would like that. When?"
The instant the words were out, she knew by the raising of his eyebrow that she had answered too quickly, too eagerly and felt the color flood her cheeks. Hearing him play on those late nights, she came to feel as if she knew him, but she didn't really. He was a stranger to her. What must he think?
Yet, as far as she could tell, he seemed pleased that she had accepted his invitation, even relieved, and she realized he'd thought she might refuse him. As she'd refused Harold. Harold, who she still saw now and now, talked to, but who was always quick to scurry off. She had hurt him, and she was sorry about that. But Harold felt more like a younger brother than someone she would date. Jeffery Denton, on the other hand, was making her feel things she hadn't felt since William. You should be afraid, Caroline. You should run like the wind away from him.
"Christmas Eve, if you don't have other plans," he said, burying his hands in his pockets, tilting his head so that a lick of dark blond hair fell over his brow.
"No. I have no plans. That would be nice. A glass of wine to toast Christmas." Her father had approved of wine during the holidays, and had poured a little into her glass that last Christmas at home. Even Jesus drank wine.
"And each other," Jeffrey smiled. "We'll toast each other. I'll knock on your door about eight, then. I'm looking forward to it, Caroline."
She walked about her room smiling to herself, feeling all fluttery inside. She had a date for Christmas Eve. Imagine. She wondered if he would try to kiss her. She imagined his mouth on hers, and felt a surge of excitement mixed with shyness. Even disbelief. He was so nice-looking, and smelled good too. Of the outdoors and of shaving lotion.
She studied herself in the mirror. Tried to see herself as Jeffrey Denton might see her. Blue eyes, smoky lashes, dark shiny hair. A nice mouth, full lips. Soft for kissing?
What should she wear? She had nothing suitable in her closet. Most of the stuff hanging on hangers were second-hand and didn't fit right. The truth was, she wanted to buy something new for this special occasion. She'd go back to Natalie's Boutique, and ask for her help in choosing the perfect dress. It's my money, after all, no one can tell me what to do with it.
She felt like a young girl again. She had missed so much of her life. Now she wanted to seize it with both hands. She must be careful, though. As Nurse Addison had said, people will take advantage of you if you let them. But the words were like a vaccination that didn't take, and Caroline was already counting the minutes until Christmas Eve.
Thirty-Four
Darkness came early now, and it was snapping cold when Caroline dropped in at Natalie's Boutique after work. The little bell above the door tinkled its welcome and the warmth of the shop coupled with the smell of hot cider and cinnamon, added its own special welcome. Bing Crosby's White Christmas played on the sound system.
Caroline was admiring the little tree in the corner, bright and sparkling with decorations, when the woman with the big platinum hair came out from behind a rack of clothes, a smile on her face. "Nice to see you again. Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas to you," Caroline said. "It's very cold outside."
"It sure is. Well, if you've just come in to get warm, enjoy. Feel free to look around. Have a cup of cider there. If there's anything you need help with…"
"Oh, I do," she said quickly, not wanting her to go back behind the rack of clothes.
"Oh. Well, I'm here to serve." Her dark eyes sparkled and Caroline thought how happy she must be in her work.
"What are you looking for? Dress? Pants maybe to match your new pea jacket?"
"A dress. A special Christmas dress, but not too fancy."
"Ahh. You're having company? Is it a dinner?"
"I'm going on a date with a piano player. His name is Jeffrey Denton and he's very talented. We're going to toast Christmas." Was she saying too much?
But the woman's smile only broadened with pleasure and enthusiasm. "Well, then he'll probably take you out to a little piano bar, I'm guessing, if he's a piano player. Jeffrey Denton—I've heard the name. Anyway, you're absolutely right. You don't want fancy, but something elegant. To set off your classy good looks. I'm Natalie, by the way. Natalie Breen. I own this place."
"Hi, Natalie. I'm Caroline Hill."
"Nice to meet you, Caroline." She gave her another once over, then said, as if she were sharing a happy secret, "I think I've got just the dress for you."
Caroline followed her to a rack of more expensive looking dresses at the back of the store. Without hesitation, she reached in and brought out the one she had in mind. It was black with a crew neck and three-quarter length sleeves. "What do you think?"
Caroline tried it on in the dressing room and looking at herself in the mirror, felt almost as pretty as a movie star. She looked so different than she did in her waitress uniform.
When she came out, the owner clapped her hands. "I knew it," Natalie Breen said. She stood back
to get the full effect. "It's perfect on you, Caroline. And I'm not just saying that to sell it. Every woman should have some version of the little black dress and this has got to be yours." With a slight frown, she came forward and straightened a sleeve, smiled again, reminding Caroline just then of Nurse Addison.
The phone on the counter rang and the proprietor excused herself to answer it. The song on the sound system slid into Elvis' I'll Be Home For Christmas. Caroline turned this way and that, in the full-length mirror, smiling shyly at her reflection.
***
Buddy was watching her through the storefront window, keeping his head down mostly so as not to catch her eye. The vision of her in the black dress made his throat swell and his eyes tear. She was so lovely. It was hard to be patient, but he must be. He could not go to her until New Year's Eve.
He had seen it in a dream a few nights ago. Fireworks exploding in the sky. Horns blowing in celebration. It would be new beginning for both of them.
That was my daughter on the phone," the woman said, returning. "She and my grandson are visiting over Christmas. Well, now. Where were we?" Her eyes were warm and admiring. "My goodness, Caroline, you don't have an ounce of fat on you, you lucky girl. But you need something with a little heel to bring it all together. Not too high. I know just the thing."
Seconds later she returned with a pair of beautiful black suede boots, sat Caroline down on a chair and knelt and fit them on her. "They're perfect," the woman said, smiling up at her. "How do they feel?"
She stood and walked a few steps. "Like slippers."
"Quality always tells. Now what about accessories? Jewellery?"
"I have a pair of gold drop earrings that belonged to my mother, in the shape of teardrops. I think they would look nice with this dress. Do you think so?"
The earrings had been in the trunk, along with a few other pieces of jewelry. She had finally gone through everything in there. Had found Christmas ornaments she'd hung on her own small tree. Ornaments she remembered. Also a rhinestone belt and earrings she didn't remember seeing before and couldn't imagine her mother wearing. She wasn't much for glamour. Not that Caroline recalled anyway. Perhaps there was a time when she was different.
Though Caroline did remember her wearing those gold earrings in church. She could see them now, gleaming against her dark hair in the light coming through the high arched window where they sat.
"I do think they would go well," Natalie Breen said. "I do indeed. It's hard to go wrong with gold."
Aside from finding the earrings in the trunk, Caroline had also found a pack of yellowing love letters her father had written from Korea. Her parents had had a life apart from her, one she knew nothing about. A private life. Why then, hadn't they been able to understand about her and William?
It doesn't matter, Caroline. It doesn't matter anymore.
The shop owner was down on one knee, checking the hem of the dress, then standing and fussing with the sleeves, smoothing them, and Caroline thought again of Nurse Addison, wondered what she would think to find her here buying an outfit to wear on a date.
Would she think me a fool imagining that a sophisticated, talented man like Jeffrey Denton would find me interesting? That he would want to spend time with me? No. Nurse Addison would never think that. What was wrong with her? Hadn't the nurse told her she was smart? That she could even go back to school if she wanted to? Become whatever she wanted to be. Nurse Addison was her friend.
"Yes, gold hoop-earrings would be lovely," Natalie Breen was saying. "Teardrops, huh. You know, I think I might even have a brooch that would work."
She left her to reach into the store window, where various pieces of bright jewellery, colorful scarves and purses were on display. She returned with the brooch, pinned it on the dress, by the shoulder.
"There. What do you think?"
Caroline turned to look at herself in the mirror.
***
In spite of the bitter cold, a few shoppers were still out, rushing about, buying gifts for friends and family. Buddy shivered in the hooded jacket, feeling alone and apart as he had since a child. But all that would end soon. There would be good Christmases then.
Christmases like that the one the year Earl Parker was staying with them, Earl, with his cheerful grin and happy-go-lucky ways. He had bought Buddy presents, among them an erector set, a G.I. Joe and a superman puzzle. Buddy and Earl were at the kitchen table putting it together. His mother had bought them mugs of hot chocolate with miniature marshmallows on top. I was happy then.
But she took it all away. She took love away.
He would have it back.
Caroline looked beautiful in the black dress. Was she buying it for their trip together? Still watching her through the storefront window, he imagined the time when they would all be together? Does she know my dream? Share it?
But maybe the dress is for someone else, a voice taunted. He had this awful sick feeling inside him that something wanted to destroy his plan, wanted to rip it apart like so much rotted fabric. The ugly voice in his head had set off a throbbing in his temple, confused him. Made him feel panicky. He wanted to take her tonight, but the voice in the dream said wait until the New Year. The voice was Earl's. That was when the time would be right, he had promised him.
Suddenly, the woman's white-blond head appeared like a full moon in the storefront window, and he stumbled backwards, nearly bumping into a passing pedestrian.
But she had already seen him and smiled, gave him a little wave. Probably thinks I'm a potential customer, considering a gift for my wife or girlfriend. I could be, he thought, as he watched the woman take a gold brooch out of the window.
He stepped to one side so that he could see the clerk fastening the pin onto Caroline's dress. She was looking at her reflection in the mirror, touching the gold pin with her fingertips. She likes it, he thought. But then he saw her check the price tag and hand it back to the clerk, shaking her head no.
It's too expensive for her, he thought, and a rush of giddiness coursed through him. He would please her with the brooch.
When the blond returned the pin to its place in the window, Buddy had already moved well back, out of view.
Not that it mattered.
Thirty-Five
Carrying her lavender bags with the new purchases inside, Caroline hurried along the snow-covered sidewalk, cold even in the new coat after the welcoming warmth of Natalie's Boutique. As she walked, she could see her breath in the night air, like little puffs of white smoke. But her heart was filled with Christmas cheer, so she didn't really mind the cold. It was a pretty evening, the indigo sky scattered with stars. She could have waited for the bus, but she liked walking on such a nice night with the Christmas music in the background.
She had the strangest sensation, walking along with her packages, of having entered someone else's life, not her own. Not an ex-mate of a mental institution at all, but a normal young woman with fun plans for the holidays. She had a date with a very nice man who was also a talented musician, and she liked him very much.
She wondered where he would take her. A piano bar, Natalie had said. That would be nice. He hadn't said, exactly, only that he would knock on her door at eight o'clock and they would go somewhere and have a drink to toast the season.
She hoped he would like her new dress? The pin Natalie had taken out of the window was nice, but too much money, and also it was bigger than the earrings she planned to wear, although she hadn't wanted to say because she was being so helpful and nice. The gold earrings would be enough. She liked it that her mother had worn them, which made them more special. She had loved her mother, though she realized she hadn't really known her; the woman's real self had been locked away. Maybe she no longer knew who she was either by the time Caroline came along. But Caroline was glad for the earrings.
"Your new dress can be casual or dressy, Caroline, depending on accessories," Natalie had said. "That's the beauty of 'the little black dress'. And you can switch these b
oots for flats if you decide to have a little drink at his place after-or yours." She had grinned and winked at the implication and Caroline felt herself blushing. Even now thinking about it, despite the cold night, her face grew warm.
She had asked if she could include her in her mailing list, saying she liked to send her good customers special news of sales and special events, and Caroline had no objections. It would be lovely to get mail addressed to her personally.
She had left the well-lit shops ten minutes ago, the Christmas music behind her now, a faint thin tune on the night air, soon fading altogether. Merely a memory, playing in her head. Though not yet eight o'clock, it was dark out. Other than her breathing and the crunch of her boots on the sidewalk, all was silent. Silent Night.
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