by June Tate
‘Your leg has healed well by the way you’re walking,’ she remarked.
‘Yes, thanks to Richard. How is he, by the way?’
‘Fine, he’ll be at home by now with his wife. He’s on leave too.’
As they reached the stables, James called out to Cleo and immediately her head appeared over the half-door of the stall.
‘You’ll have to take a back seat now, Cleo, my best girl is home!’
The horse gave a snort and whinnied.
‘It’s almost as if she knows what you’re saying,’ laughed Helen.
‘But of course she does, although nobody believes me.’ He stroked the animal’s nose and mane. ‘I ride her every day now and I’ve been allowed to jump once again, so we work in the practice ring sometimes.’
James led her to a bale of hay and they sat. He put an arm around her.
‘You’ve been away far too long, Helen. But now you’re home and I can’t tell you how much that fills me with joy.’
Looking at the man beside her, Helen was filled with emotion, remembering the day James had come into the hospital, not knowing how seriously hurt he was and even if he was going to live or die, realising that she loved him – and now – here he was beside her looking completely recovered.
‘I’m happy too, James. Your leg is healed, but what about your nightmares, do you still have those?’
Frowning he said, ‘Yes, I’m afraid I do. Maybe not quite so frequently as when I first came home, but yes, they still happen.’ There was something in the tone of his voice that made Helen feel there was more to tell.
‘Any other symptoms that worry you?’
‘Unexpected loud noises. I automatically duck, thinking it’s a shell or a bomb. It can be most embarrassing … and I’m a bit claustrophobic. Confined spaces tend to freak me out.’ His bonhomie had disappeared. ‘I’m really a bit of a mess, my dear Helen.’
‘No you’re not, James! You’re still suffering from the war. You and many others. It just takes time, that’s all.’
She then saw the fear in his eyes. ‘But what if time doesn’t change anything. What then?’
‘We will deal with it.’
‘Darling Helen, there will be no we! No way can I ask you to share my life, suffering with all this. It wouldn’t be right.’
‘I’ll be the judge of that, James Havers! Now, come on, let’s go in search of a cup of tea, I’m parched.’
‘But you haven’t seen Miss Millie!’
‘Tomorrow. How about now you drive me into Cheltenham, take me shopping and out for lunch? I have some money I’ve saved and I want to spend it. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to wander around the shops and it will do you good to get out and about.’
‘Are you sure about this?’
Helen stood up. ‘Come on, I’m starving, for a start.’ She held out her hand. ‘Be brave, James. Shopping with a woman is a dangerous situation for any man.’ To her relief, he chuckled and, standing up, followed her out of the stables.
Whilst Helen was off to enjoy her shopping, Richard Carson was sitting in his club in London, reading The Times and sipping a Scotch and soda. He was feeling restless, unable to settle to living a normal existence. Hospital life had been so busy, with not much time to relax, and now there was little to do. It was driving him mad.
Ann, his wife, didn’t know how to handle the situation. If she tried to talk to him about it, he quickly became irritable and snapped at her, and although he’d been away for so long, as yet, despite sharing a bed, Richard had just kissed her goodnight and turned away.
Sitting alone in her kitchen with a glass of wine, she tried to convince herself it would only be a matter of time before he was able to put the war behind him and return to normal. She’d just have to be patient and wait. It wasn’t easy for her either. With an absent husband, she’d made her own life. She spent time with friends, met new ones and belonged to various charitable organisations to fill her days.
Looking at her watch, she rose from her chair and, picking up her coat and bag, left the house and hailed a taxi. She was going to a committee meeting of a charity to help families who had either lost men in the war or whose husbands were injured and were suffering financially. The organisation helped with clothing and food parcels. She felt it was worthwhile and enjoyed being a part of it.
Arriving at her destination in Bayswater, she paid the driver and walked into the building to the rented rooms used by the charity. Everyone asked after her husband.
‘He’s fine,’ she said, ‘just trying to get used to being home. It’s not easy for any of the men, they need time to adjust.’
Clive Bradshaw, the chairman, looked at her and saw the concern mirrored in her eyes but he didn’t say anything until the end of the meeting, when he stopped her as she was about to leave.
‘Are you in a hurry to get home, Ann?’
‘No, as a matter of fact. Richard said he wouldn’t be home until early evening, in time for dinner.’
‘Good, let me buy you lunch, there’s something I want to discuss with you.’
Puzzled, she agreed.
Once settled in a restaurant and having ordered she turned to him:
‘What did you want to discuss, I thought we covered everything this morning?’
‘Oh, this isn’t business, my dear. I just felt that when you were talking about Richard something was amiss. What’s the problem?’
Ann was taken aback at his perception. He was a man she’d now known since Richard was sent abroad. They had become friends and she liked and admired him. Letting out a deep sigh she told him.
‘Richard can’t settle. If I try to talk to him about it and his homecoming, he snaps my head off and won’t discuss it. It’s like being with a stranger, and if I’m honest, one I don’t like very much.’
‘Well you can understand it, really. None of us know what the men have been through, what they’ve seen and had to endure. Just be patient. After all, out there, you weren’t with him to give him comfort and make a fuss of him after a difficult day. He’ll settle soon.’
As she walked home, Ann thought over Clive’s words. Of course he was right. Time is a great healer, perhaps all Richard needed was a bit of tender care.
Over dinner, Ann told her husband about the charity and how they were helping families of servicemen, of the hardships they faced and how difficult it was for many to manage.
He listened intently and praised her for being a part of it.
‘If you saw the state some men were in who returned to their families, you’d understand even better. Some poor devils, especially those who’d lost limbs, were worried out of their minds as to how they would be able to keep their families as they wouldn’t be able to work. Well done, darling.’
She was delighted. These were the first kind words he’d said since he came home. So pleased was she that when they climbed into bed that night, she reached for him, putting her arms around him, but he stopped her.
‘I’m tired, Ann,’ he said and turned away.
Tears welled in her eyes at his rejection and she pulled the sheet up to her neck, then used the corner to wipe her eyes.
Laid beside her, pretending to be asleep, Richard was feeling guilty. He knew his wife was concerned and trying her best to help him back to normality, but he couldn’t help himself. Ever since he’d kissed Helen when he’d taken her back to her room after their final dinner together, he was wondering if she was with young Havers. It was her he wanted in his arms, not his wife! Every day he wondered if Helen and her soldier were being intimate as he had been when they were together. He couldn’t get the image of them making love out of his mind. He knew he was being not only ridiculous but unfair to Ann. Perhaps when he was back working, he could finally put the past behind him.
He slept fitfully that night, tossing and turning, calling out as he did so.
Ann, disturbed by her husband’s restlessness, wondered just who was Helen, the name that her husband was call
ing for. Whoever she was, it was the reason that he turned away from her. Now she really had a problem.
Chapter Twelve
Back in Cheltenham, Helen’s shopping trip was not without its problems. If she and James entered a shop and it was busy, she felt him stiffen and saw the panic in his eyes at the number of shoppers. She put her arm through his.
‘Take a deep breath,’ she told him. ‘You’re fine, you’re with me. If you feel you have to go, just say so and we’ll leave.’
Eventually he seemed to relax and when she went into a cubicle to try on clothes, she made sure he wasn’t enclosed in a small space. But it was an ordeal for both of them and she decided that a busy restaurant was not a good idea today. To this end, she bought bread, cheese and tomatoes and let James drive to a quiet spot where they had a picnic on the back seat of the car, cutting the cheese and tomatoes with a penknife that James carried.
‘I’m sorry I’ve spoilt your day, darling,’ he said.
‘Rubbish! I’ve bought some clothes, a pair of shoes and some underwear. Now we’re having a picnic. What’s wrong with that?’
He leant forward and kissed her on the forehead.
‘You are an angel, you know that?’
‘Of course I do, I’m surprised it took you so long to discover it!’ But now she realised how badly the war had affected him, mentally. It was going to be a long journey before James would feel safe enough to do the normal, everyday things that others took for granted.
‘Tomorrow, you can introduce me to Miss Millie.’
His face was a joy to behold. Here, he was secure. When he was with his horses he was relaxed and unworried and, despite her reluctance to learn to ride, Helen knew she would have to do so, to make James feel a normal man again.
After breakfast the following morning, Helen, now wearing a pair of James’s trousers, belted so as not to lose them, was taken out to the stables. Today the tables were reversed. Today it was James who was trying to dispel Helen’s fears.
After talking and feeding carrots to Cleo, James saddled Miss Millie, then calling Helen over he gave her a carrot to feed to the animal.
‘Stroke her, darling, honestly she’s as docile as can be.’
At last Helen felt able to climb into the saddle with the help of a mounting block.
‘It’s very high up here,’ she said nervously. ‘The ground looks a long way down, James!’
‘You’ll be fine, just don’t look down.’ He showed her how to hold the reins and then he led the horse out to a practice ring.
‘Now just relax into the saddle and stop worrying.’ He walked the horse slowly around the ring on a lunge rein and Helen began to enjoy herself.
Seeing her relax at last, James grinned broadly.
‘There you are! Didn’t I tell you it was easy? Now, we are going into a trot, just move with the horse and then I’ll show you how to rise with her.’ Seeing her look of consternation he said, ‘Now, remember what you told me yesterday? If you want to stop just say so. Alright?’
She just nodded.
Two hours later, Helen had almost mastered the rising trot and was absolutely delighted. As she was led back to the stables she was all smiles.
‘Oh, James! I can see why you love riding so much. That was great.’
He helped her down and giving her another carrot he said, ‘Now reward Miss Millie, because she was such a good girl.’
This time, Helen had no fear of the horse. She fed it, buried her head into the horse’s neck – and thanked her profusely.
‘Next time we go shopping, madam, it will be to buy you a pair of trousers and some riding boots.’
‘Next time?’ Helen laughed. ‘So yesterday didn’t put you off, then?’
Putting his arm around her he said, ‘I have to get used to it, Helen, if I want to lead a normal life.’
She leant forward and kissed him. ‘And you will do so … in time. I promise.’
That evening, the Havers were out with friends and so James and Helen had dined alone, then moved into the drawing room, to the settee by the fire.
James was in a good mood and was his usual entertaining self. He asked Helen if she’d thought about the immediate future, now she was home.
‘To be honest, I haven’t. I’ve just been enjoying being away from everything to do with the war. Loving the peace and quiet.’
‘I know, strange isn’t it? I can’t get used to it, sometimes the quiet keeps me awake.’
‘And you, James. What plans have you?’
He leant back. ‘Oh, I had it all planned. I would continue in the army, ask you to marry me and live happily ever after, just like a fairy story, but now I can’t do these things.’
She frowned. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I wouldn’t pass the medical now, so I’ll have to resign my commission and try and find another way to earn a living and, my darling, there is no way I’d expect you to take me on. You’ve had enough of caring for the sick.’
Helen was at a loss for words. She could hardly tell him now that she was thinking of giving up nursing for that very reason. What was she to say?
‘I can understand you leaving the army, but in time you’ll get better and be able to live a normal life.’
‘But that’s not strictly true, Helen. The doctor told me that there’s no way of knowing if I’ll fully recover. That is my dilemma.’
‘Well you will just have to take one day at a time, but knowing you’ll eventually recover. Be positive! Negative thoughts bring negative things, James. If you convince yourself you’ll never get better, then you won’t. Your recovery depends so much on your mental attitude. It can make or break you.’
‘Oh, feisty! I like a woman with spirit.’
‘Don’t jest, it’s true, every word, and if you’re honest, you know I’m right.’
‘Darling Helen, I do know you’re right, I’m just scared, that’s all.’
She enfolded him in her arms to comfort him.
‘You were scared every time you blew your whistle and took your men over the top to face the enemy, but you still did it! That took courage and so does this. But at least you came back alive.’
He gazed at her. ‘You really do care, don’t you? This time you care for me not just about me.’
‘Of course, you stupid man! How could you doubt it? When you were brought into the operating theatre covered in blood I knew just how much I cared. So don’t you ever do that to me again.’ She felt the tears glisten in her eyes.
‘Oh, Helen darling, don’t cry. I’m sorry to have worried you, but I didn’t have a lot of choice at the time. I only remember opening my eyes and there you were. I thought for a moment I’d died and gone to heaven. But sadly, I won’t see much of you when you start nursing again.’
She turned to him. ‘To be honest, I’d made up my mind to give up nursing. I want a change.’
‘Doing what?’
She stared into his eyes. ‘How could you forget? You said we would spend our future together … or have you changed your mind?’
He was speechless for a moment. ‘You still would marry me, knowing my mental state?’
She caressed his face. ‘For heaven’s sake, James, listen to yourself! The way you talk, anyone who didn’t know you would think you’re a raving lunatic. You are suffering the same as many others after being involved in the war. You will get better, all you have to do is believe it.’
He took her right hand and touched the ring he gave her. ‘You would be willing to change this for a wedding ring?’
‘Well, I’d like an engagement ring first, if you don’t mind. A girl likes that sort of thing.’
Shaking his head he said, ‘You are incorrigible!’
Snuggling into him she said, ‘Yes, and I’m available.’
‘Then, tomorrow, I’d better take you home and ask your father’s permission to marry you. Do you think there’s a chance he might say no?’
‘Absolutely not! He can’t wait to get rid of m
e.’
‘Do you want time to think about this? I mean, I don’t want you to rush into something you might later regret.’
‘James! Haven’t you heard a word I’ve said?’
He laughed at her feigned outrage. ‘I can see living with you is going to be quite a challenge.’
‘Check with Dad, he’ll agree with you. Now, let’s go to bed.’
‘Is that an invitation, by any chance?’
She held out her left hand. ‘When I have an engagement ring on this finger, ask me again. But not tonight. You could have your wicked way with me, then change your mind and my reputation would be ruined.’
He rose and took her hand, chuckling softly. ‘I’ll remember what you said, young lady.’ They walked up the stairs together and at her bedroom door Helen kissed him goodnight and, holding up her left hand, wiggled her fingers at him and laughed as she closed the door.
‘You are a minx and a tease, Helen Chalmers!’ he called through the woodwork, then he walked to his own room, grinning broadly.
But as he undressed, he began to think of the future, which to him seemed an enigma. Helen wasn’t afraid to face the uncertainty with him, but he was still scared that he could make a mess of it all and that would be unforgivable. But as she had pointed out so passionately, he needed to be positive, so that’s what he would do. In fact it was all he could do. He prayed it would be enough.
Chapter Thirteen
The following morning after breakfast, James and Helen drove to her home. They didn’t tell Edward of their plans as James insisted they wait until he’d spoken to Henry.
‘After all, darling, they’ve never met me, and your father may think I’m entirely unsuitable.’
Helen grinned at him. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. You know you can charm the birds from the trees if you want to. After all, I fell for your charms and if you can fool me, my father’s a pushover.’
‘Maybe, but to be truthful, I’m decidedly nervous. After all, I’m not sure what stability I can offer you, after I give up my commission.’
