by Lee,Molly E.
“I didn’t believe him when he said he’d use one last buy to taper himself off. So I pulled out all the cash I had in my wallet and tossed it at his chest. Told him to get the fuck out of Mom’s house and not to come back.”
The tears I’d tried to hold back slowly rolled down my cheeks, but I didn’t blink. “I was at the airport, getting ready to fly back to the gig I’d blown off, when Mom called. Conner had gone back to the clinic, locked himself in his room, and overdosed.”
Sadie gasped, and I clenched my eyes shut.
“Ask me how much money I’d had in my wallet that night,” I demanded.
When she didn’t speak, I opened my eyes. “Ask me,” I snapped.
She shook her head, tears glistening in her eyes as well.
“Enough to kill my baby brother.”
My entire body shook, the adrenaline of that day rushing back to me at full force. “I killed my brother.” The sobs wracked my body as Sadie’s arms flew around me, and I buried my head against her.
“No, Connell. You didn’t,” she said, running her fingers through my hair.
I couldn’t stop fucking crying as if I saw Conner’s body in the casket all over again, and all the while knowing I’d given him the money to score enough drugs to end it all. “I should’ve helped him, Sadie.” I managed to talk between gasps of breath. “I should have believed him. I should’ve driven him back to the clinic myself and fucking stayed there with him every day until he was well.”
She pulled me to her tighter. “No one would ever put this blame on you. Not even Conner. He was sick, Connell. You’d tried and tried. You couldn’t have prevented this. He was the only one with the power to end the cycle.”
I rubbed my fists into my eyes, hard enough to wince, to stop the tears. The pain was raw and fresh, but confessing felt near-euphoric. “Nah,” I finally said once I’d composed myself, straightening my spine. “Even my mother knew it. She’s barely spoken to me since.” Not that she hadn’t tried, but I kept her shut out just like everyone else. She was right to blame me, and I didn’t need her around as the reminder of the loss of my baby brother. I did enough of that on my own.
Sadie took my face in her hands. “She was hurt. No one should ever have to bury a child. I’m sure she didn’t mean whatever she said to you, but if she did?”
I brought my gaze up to hers slowly.
“Then fuck her.”
The bite in her tone was colder than the air, and it made me huff out a laugh.
“I’m serious, Connell. Fuck her if she—after time for grief and rational thought—can think you are at fault. You’re not. And you’ve got to stop shutting everyone out as a punishment to yourself.” She pushed back the hair that had fallen in my eyes, and I leaned into her palm. How could she be so fucking perfect? “You’re an incredible man, and deserve to live, not survive like you have been. It’s time, Connell.”
“I don’t know how to do that,” I said honestly. I’d been living with the crushing weight every day since he died, using it to push me deeper under the ocean, closer to the most dangerous jobs I could find, because I wanted to be with my brother. I didn’t want him to be alone wherever he was. I wanted to sleep next to him like I had when we were babies.
She tilted up my chin. “I’m going to show you. Every day.”
I kissed her gently, breathing in her air like a much needed hit of nitrox when a hundred and fifty feet deep. “You’re the first reason I’ve found, Sadie.”
“For what?”
“To stay alive.”
Her eyes widened, fresh tears coating them. “There is so much out there for you, but if I’m where it starts, then I’ll take it.”
“Good, ‘cause I’ve got no idea what I’m doing.” And I really fucking didn’t. Opening up to her like this, making love to her like I had . . . it was all going to blow up in my face if I couldn’t save her site and get out of the contract with Slade. I wanted so badly to tell her about it but I couldn’t risk Slade finding out and making good on his threats to end her career. He could fucking do it to, with the resources he had. He’d find a way. And I couldn’t have that. She loved her job too much. I’d just have to find a way to fix everything before the bomb detonated.
“You’re talking, Connell,” Sadie said, pulling me out of my head. “And I’m listening. Simple as that.” She kissed me and turned back around, reclaiming her position between my legs, looking out at the ocean. I sighed over her hair, enjoying the way her head felt against my chest. The weight felt so much better than the sting that had festered there for years, and though I didn’t think it would last, I knew I’d do everything I could to hold on to her.
I watched the waves, feeling Sadie breathe against me and appreciating her ability to give me time after such a confession. I was beyond grateful I still held her against me, when I’d thought for sure she’d run in the opposite direction. How could she not find blame in me when even my own mother had?
Sure, Mom had tried to take back her words later on, but I knew what her heart felt, and it was nothing but loss. Looking at me was like looking at the absence of Conner. So I’d stayed away, and had no plans to reconnect, reopen that wound for her.
But Sadie, she was new in my life, knowing me post-darkness. After learning my past, and still sticking around? She gave me hope.
Can you grant me this, Conner? Am I allowed to have this happiness, when you can’t, brother?
Sometimes—usually when I was on a deep dive, the threat of death tapping on my shoulder in the cold water—I could hear Conner. His voice matching that of the boy he’d been before he’d found his vice. It called to me, broke my heart over and over again, all while soothing it at the same time. And now, I wanted to hear his approval. Because I desperately needed it. Needed this to be okay, because I didn’t know if I had the power to grant myself the leave to be happy.
I listened but heard nothing.
After what could’ve been hours, Sadie pulled me to my feet, gathering the blanket in one arm and my hand in the other. She walked us back in silence to her cabin on the boat, which was docked outside of her lab. She stripped me to my underwear and pushed me onto the bed, and I let her. I let her do whatever the hell she wanted to do to me because she owned me now.
Her lack of judgment, her acceptance of me how I was—which I knew was a big pain in the ass—made me love her. And I didn’t do that lightly. I knew just how badly it fucking hurt when you lost someone you loved.
She crawled into the bed next to me, laying her head on my chest, tracing circles on my stomach.
“Sadie,” I whispered.
“Yeah?”
“I can’t lose you.”
“I told you I’m not going anywhere.”
“I know.”
“Don’t you trust me?”
“I do. Doesn’t mean I trust myself not to fuck this up.” The contract with Slade burned hot in my mind. I could tell her. Come clean this second. She’d already accepted my past; she could understand this situation. No. I had to keep my mouth shut to keep her livelihood safe. I would not be the result of an ounce of darkness to touch her. I wouldn’t.
She shook her head against me, lifting herself to hover an inch above my face. Damn she was beautiful, and completely mine, for now. “Tell me what you need, Connell.”
I scrunched my forehead at her.
She kissed me, her sweet tongue slipping into my mouth in the quickest tease. “What do you need?” she asked again, a sharper tone behind it.
“Make me forget. Just for a little while.”
A wicked grin shaped her perfect lips before she lightly pressed them against my own. She worked her way downward, laying a trail of caresses across my stomach until she found what I’d never be able to hide when I was in bed with her.
She pulled my briefs down, her long hair grazing the skin on my thighs, and before I could take a breath, she stole it by wrapping her mouth around my dick.
“Sadie,” I growled, unable to whisper
anymore. She hummed around me, the vibrations making me harder, making my eyes roll back in my head. “You don’t . . . have—“
She flicked her tongue along my tip, and I forgot how to fucking speak.
I forgot everything outside of her mouth, her hair in my hands, her scent filling the room. She moved up and down with the perfect speed, perfect pressure. The woman was perfect in every fucking way. I groaned, feeling my release already, and fisted her hair, stopping her motion.
“No,” I said.
She arched an eyebrow.
“You. I need to be in you.”
She licked her lips before pushing herself up and settling herself on top of me. “Whatever you need,” she said, and allowed me to slowly sink inside of her.
I clutched her hips, thrusting from beneath her, losing every gathering thought in the feel of her body on mine. Her soft skin, her quick breaths, her tiny sighs.
“Connell,” she gasped as I rubbed her clit with my thumb.
“Too much?” I asked, relieving the pressure.
She shook her head. “No, don’t stop.”
She damn near demanded it, clenching around me like she’d never let me go. I pressed against her harder, putting all the love I felt into the motions, begging her to fly apart above me.
“Yes,” she moaned, and it was the end of me.
She owned me as she rolled her hips expertly against me, and I was the one helpless against her touch as I came inside of her. She collapsed against my chest, our breaths matched in raggedness.
As we laid there, coming down from the high, my mind was blissfully clear.
She kissed my neck. “Can you sleep easy, here, with me?”
I hugged her to me, locking her against me. “I can.”
“Good.” She sighed against my chest, her breath, her words, her body, all working to soothe the pain I’d come to live with the past year and a half.
I could still feel it, but there was something else there, something strong pulsing right next it, soothing it with each breath I took beside her. I’d told Sadie she was my reason, and the reality of that statement sunk deep into my soul, refreshing it with a new light I never thought I’d see again.
Staring at her ceiling, listening to her deep, slow breaths as she fell asleep in my arms, I knew she was worth everything. Worth the risks she took daily under the water, worth the fight I knew would come when battling Slade, and definitely worth giving my heart to, even if it gave her the power to crush it.
Sadie
CONNELL WORKED ON the third locked door of the day, his welder making the water around him glow white-hot. My mouth watered just watching him work. I was helpless against the pull he had on me, and luckily, I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. Not after he’d finally opened up to me a few weeks ago.
My stomach went sour as his face when he’d told me his story flashed behind my eyes. The pain, the effort it took for him to get the story out . . . God, it hurt my entire body. Nothing compared to what he went through, or what he continued to put himself through every day since it had happened. No wonder he’d kept everyone pushed away, not after what his own mother had done to him.
I inhaled deeply and tried to be understanding. I was certain she hadn’t meant the things she said to him, the blame she’d placed on him in her grief. And I was sure that once Connell let me in even more, I’d find the story of her attempts to reconnect with him. I hoped for it, because if it was the alternative, well, I’d never be able to let the anger toward her go.
He’d tortured himself enough, and if she apologized for her hand in it, Connell might have a shot at living out his life in a normal, open way. Happily.
I’d seen the tease of a happier version of himself in his eyes earlier this morning while we ate breakfast. He’d made me pancakes, which instantly resulted in him feeding the entire crew pancakes, but he was such a good sport about it. Mixing up more batter and flipping away, as if he’d always been happy to serve others, when I knew that wasn’t the case.
Even as easy as it was, I could tell that many people focusing on and talking to him at once made him uncomfortable, and I acted as a buffer as best I could. One didn’t just go from shutting out the world to letting it rush all back in at once. We’d have to take it slow, but he’d let me in, and the time we’d spent together since had been incredible, easy, and passionate. That was all that mattered to me.
I glanced behind me, checking to make sure my retrieval line was clear of tangles. Even with Connell as my partner on the interior, I didn’t want to take anymore unnecessary risks. I didn’t have time for setbacks.
We only had three weeks left before I’d have to prove the site’s worth and I still had heard absolutely nothing from the FDA regarding my research or requests. The days were tightening around my neck like a noose while my heart was doing nothing but falling harder for Connell.
I needed a miracle to make Henrick believe me, and so far the rigorous amount of testing—chemical, environmental, and even theoretical—weren’t enough. We’d been breaking our backs trying to solidify the evidence I’d gathered to prove the ecosystem’s importance, but it wasn’t enough. I needed more.
And despite being totally, insanely in love with Connell, I would never ask him to make a biased judgment call on the site’s life. I wanted to earn his word before Henrick when the day came, and it was approaching rapidly. I hoped whatever we found today might offer more in swaying power because sadly, the most recent test results on my little superhero plant were inconclusive.
“What are you hoping for in here?” Connell asked, his voice filling my mask and cutting through my worries.
“I’d love a room full of gold and artifacts.”
He chuckled. “You think you’re living in that show you run on a loop?”
“Do not knock Unearthed. It’s phenomenal, and he always finds the most incredible treasure,” I said, defending my favorite and only pastime on land.
“And the sites of his discoveries are always protected.” Connell turned his welder off, the lack of flame making the hallway seem darker than it had before.
“Exactly. As much as I’d love for them to see the potential in this site’s medicinal possibilities, or the mere fact that the ecosystem itself supports their main food source of the island, it wouldn’t hurt us to find some treasure. They’d have to protect it then.” I sighed, the chill from the water soaking through my suit. I’d already taken three breaks at the halfway point, switching out tanks and decompressing before returning to the Falconer, and I’d have to surface soon.
“Well, let’s find out what’s behind door number three,” Connell said, and I giggled.
“Did you just make a joke?”
He shrugged as he grabbed the steel door’s handle, his arms flexing beneath his suit as he pushed and pulled until the entire structure came free.
Where the previously locked doors moved forward, this one wrenched backward for some reason, and his grip slipped on the structure. The door jerked downward, the full brunt of it hitting him over the head.
“Connell!” I screamed as his body went slack and the door came down hard on his arm, pinning it against the wall. He didn’t even flinch.
“Nemo, get in here now!” I crossed the distance between us in a blink, cutting through the water with fast swipes. Connell’s eyes were closed, and pink water settled at the bottom of his mask, a thin line of blood trickling down his forehead. I shoved my hands underneath the door, trying to lift the thing on my own, but it was wedged between the entryway and the wall of the hallway, and Connell’s arm was stuck in the middle of it.
“Boss?” Nemo swam up behind me, instantly offering his strength.
We pushed and pushed, my heart racing as I watched Connell lie there, his body limp in the water. Finally, the door budged, and I grabbed him, hefting his body toward me. I shook him, but he didn’t stir. The gash on his arm made the water around us cloudy, and I signaled to Nemo to lead the way out. “Follow my line and he
lp me get him out of here,” I ordered, sucking in deep breaths in my panic.
Once we cleared the ship’s interior, I hooked my arms fully around Connell’s body and swam as fast as I could toward the surface.
“Slow down, boss,” Nemo called from behind me, but I didn’t dare look back. “You could get the bends! You have to stop at the midpoint.”
I could hear the strain in his voice and see the halfway point where we would usually take ten minutes and adjust to the alternating pressures of depth, but the only thing I could think was getting Connell to the surface. His mask was filling with water, and the risk of taking it off was too high—he could regain consciousness and suck in a lungful of ocean.
So I bypassed the fucking midpoint, ignoring the tiny bit of rational thought in my brain screaming at me to worry about myself. The feel of Connell, slack in my arms, his breathing shallow against my chest, was enough for me to tell that voice to shut the hell up.
We rocketed to the surface, popping up like the bubbles out of a champagne bottle and it fucking hurt every cell in my body. Searing pain—like being thrown into a fire, coupled with the pressure of a plane that had flown too high—rocked every inch of my veins. I pushed past it, lugging Connell to the side of the boat where Liz and my crew already waited.
Thank God Nemo had radioed ahead. They helped me heft Connell onto the deck of the ship. Todd set to work on CPR before I’d even climbed on board and tossed off my gear. I hit my knees next to him, tears coating my eyes.
“Wake up, damn it!” I screamed when his eyes didn’t flutter.
The edges of my vision sparkled and the pain underneath my skin doubled.
“Sadie!” Liz shouted, but her voice sounded like it was packed in cotton. In an effort that made me feel like I’d inhaled an entire bottle of rum, I tore my eyes off Connell, Todd still breathing for him.
I tilted my head, unable to maintain focus on Liz’s face.
What the hell? Was the boat moving? Spinning?
