by K. B. Webb
There was something off with Logan. I couldn’t exactly put my finger on it, but after his meeting with Geo, he seemed distant.
After I got off work, he followed me home like he usually did. I picked up Lyric, brought her home, and put her to bed. All the normal things. But, there was still tension in the air. It was thick, and for some reason, I was on edge and nervous.
I found Logan in my room sitting on my bed with his feet hanging over the side. His elbows rested on his knees and his face was in his hands. Shit. Was he mad that I had punched Lizzy? Had he changed his mind about is being together?
“Logan, what’s wrong?” He looked up at me, startled, like he didn’t even realize I was in the room. He sighed deeply and patted the spot on my bed next to him. I sat down and looked at the floor. He regretted it, regretted us. He was about to take it all back and I was powerless to do anything about it.
“You changed your mind, didn’t you?” His head shot up and his gaze locked on mine. His eyebrows were pulled together and he was looking at me as if I was a complete idiot.
“Changed my mind about what, Cookie?” Was he really going to make me spell it out? God. I thought Logan was a straight shooter. I was figuring he would just get to the point and end it quickly. Not drag it out and make it more painful than it needed to be.
“About us. That’s what this is about, isn’t it? You changed your mind about us being together.”
He shook his head fiercely from side to side and pulled me in close to him. I didn’t realize till I felt dampness on his shirt that I was crying.
“God, no, Cookie! I will never change my mind about you. There is nothing you could do that would ever make me want to leave you. Ever. You’re it for me. You’re stuck with me. Get used to it.”
“Then what is it?”
“I need you to tell me some things, Cookie. To be completely honest with me. Can you do that for me?”
“Um, yeah, I guess I can.” What the fuck did he want to know? And why would he ever doubt my honesty?
“Remember what I just said, okay? Nothing you could ever say or do would make me change my mind about you. Remember that, Cookie.”
I simply nodded. Still lost on what he wanted to know in the first place. “What is it?” He seemed just as nervous as I was.
“I need you to tell me about Colt.”
One sentence. Eight words. That’s all it took to take me back to a place that I had buried inside me long ago. I felt my heart race and my hands instantly became clammy. Colt. The boy who held all of my dreams and all of my nightmares. The reason I had punished myself for the last four years. Logan wanted to know everything. And no matter what he told me, he would leave when it was all said and done.
He gave me time to absorb what he had said. I don’t know how long I sat next to him. The only sound in the room was our breathing, before I stood up and walked to my closet. I grabbed the small box from the top and dusted it off. It had been years since I had looked inside. Years since I had relived the day that killed a part of me.
I placed the box down next to him and started pacing the room. I heard him lift the lid and begin sifting through its contents. Newspaper articles. Love letters. Pictures. And at the very bottom, a ring box. A ring box that held the engagement ring Colt had given me.
“Colt Davis. That’s your Colt?”
I just nodded. I was trying to work out where to begin in my head. The whole story was fucked up and heartbreaking. I couldn’t tell him without starting with when I first met Colt. I hated that I felt so vulnerable. I hated that I could see recognition flashing all over Logan’s beautiful face. I hated this whole God damned situation. But more than anything, I hated myself.
“I remember Colt. He was my age. We played against each other in football. He got a scholarship to LSU, but turned in down and stayed here and went to ULM. No one knew why.” He paused and stared at a picture of Colt and me. Colt had his hand on my stomach and the happiest grin on his face. “You’re the reason he stayed?” Once again, I just nodded. I had planned to let him get everything out before I started talking.
He picked up another article, Colt’s obituary. Logan stared at it and spoke aloud to no one in particular. “He died four years ago, in a drunk driving accident. You’re, you’re listed as his fiancé in the obituary.” As he finished the last sentence, he picked up the black, velvet ring box, but didn’t open it. He took a few more minutes to look through pictures until he made it to the one I hadn’t laid eyes on since the day Colt died. “Is this, is this an ultrasound picture?” Silent tears fell down my face and I nodded again. I sat down next to him and pulled the picture from his hands. My sweet baby. Taken from me too soon. Taken from Colt too soon.
“Cookie, I need you to explain all of this to me.” I turned to him and nodded again.
“For you to understand everything, I need to start from the beginning. Are you ready to listen?” It was his turn to nod. In a split second, I decided to say something I had been thinking since the day he kissed me for the first time. I realized I may never get the chance to say it again. “Logan, before I tell you this, I need you to know something.” I took a deep breath and steadied myself. “I love you.” His eyes doubled and his hands reached for my face but I stopped him. “I don’t want you to say anything. I just wanted to tell you that. Now, I need you to listen to me, that’s the only way you’re going to understand everything. You have to listen carefully, okay?”
He nodded.
I pushed myself backwards till my back was resting against the pillows at the top of my bed. Logan did the same until he was sitting next to me.
“When I was five, Colt and his brother Ryan moved in three houses down from me. Wynee and I were so excited to have new neighbors that we ran to their house as soon as the moving truck arrived. Colt was seven and Ryan was nine. Colt and Ryan kind of took Wynee and me under their wings; they played the big brother roles.” I paused and laughed thinking of all the trouble the four of us used to get into when we were younger. We were holy terrors back then. “Anyway, we were all best friends, even though the boys were older than us. Wynee and I spent a lot of time at their house because her mom and my grandfather worked a lot. Their parents were like our parents. I can’t put into words how close we all were. We were, well, we were family.” I wiped a few tears away. This was going to be a lot harder than I thought. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“When Wynee and I started high school, Ryan had already graduated and Colt was a Junior. I had always been in love with Colt Davis. Since I was a little girl and knew what love was, I knew I felt it for him, but Colt only ever saw me as his little sister. I was the annoying little girl who he used to play with in his tree house. And eventually, I was the annoying little girl who would hide in his tree house and throw eggs at girls that came to see him.” Logan even laughed at that one. Colt would get so pissed at me every time I did it, but I didn’t care. He deserved better than those low life whores he messed around with.
“So, high school. Once I stared my Freshman year, everything changed. Guys noticed me, and Colt didn’t like it at all. I got asked out by Clay Rayburn on my first day of school. He was a Junior like Colt. I was so excited. It was my first real date, and it was with an older guy. I seriously thought I was the shit. Wynee came over Friday after we got out of school and we spent hours and hours mulling over my wardrobe before we found the perfect outfit. Then, we spent another hour doing my hair and makeup. Looking back now, I realize I totally looked like a hooker. My bronzer was too dark, my eyeliner was too thick, and my hair crunched from all the hairspray, but at fourteen, I didn’t know better. So, at 7:00 on the dot, my doorbell rang. I remember running full speed through my house. I can still hear my grandfather yelling at me about scuffing his kitchen floor with my heels. I opened my door and expected to see Clay standing there, but instead of Clay, Colt stood there. He had flowers and a nice, button up shirt on.”
I smiled at the memory. That was one of my favorite nights. Colt had told
me that once he found out Clay had asked me out, he threatened to beat him within an inch of his life if he actually showed up for our date. Clay was a weak little bitch so he let Colt win. I have always been grateful that he did. Colt had spent the rest of the week thinking before realizing that he didn’t just like me as his annoying little sister, he liked me as the girl he wanted to date. That was the start of Colt and me. That night we had our first kiss and we officially became a couple. That night changed everything.
“So how long were y’all together?” I didn’t realize I was still speaking out loud till I heard Logan’s voice.
“On and off for four years.”
His face contorted into confusion. “On and off?”
“Well, I’ll explain that part if you’re ready for the next part of the story.” Logan nodded and tilted his head towards me signaling me to continue.
“Well, after our first date, we started officially dating, but things weren’t smooth sailing for us. We were both young, we both made mistakes. We both cheated. Hence the on and off.” I don’t know if he was aware of his actions, or if it was a subconscious reaction to hearing your girlfriend was a cheating whore, but Logan shifted away from me. I pulled my knees into my chest and wanted to run away. If he thought that was bad, he would be disgusted with me by the end of this conversation. I just wanted to give up, but I knew I had to finish talking. He had a right to know my story, and once he knew, he could decide what he wanted to do with all of the information.
“Colt got accepted to LSU on a football scholarship. If you played him in high school, you know he was amazing. He could have gone pro if he wanted, but that wasn’t what he wanted. When he got offered the spot at LSU, we were on. He turned it down and took a scholarship to ULM instead. He didn’t want to leave me. He said that it was because he would miss me too much, but I knew that was a lie. We didn’t trust each other. We would have never lasted if he had moved to Baton Rouge, so he stayed. To make it work between us.” I still felt guilt over that decision. Colt had his whole life ahead of him and he threw it away for me. “Over the next two years, we were on and off and on and off. But even when we were off, we were still best friends. No matter what our relationship status was, we still loved each other, and we still knew that we would end up together. Colt’s mom used to say it was destiny for us to be together.” I rubbed the back of my neck and prepared myself to tell the next part, the final part, the end of mine and Colt’s story.
“About two months before I graduated, I found out I was pregnant. There was no doubt in my mind that it was Colt’s baby. I hadn’t been with anyone besides him in almost six months. He was so excited when I told him. He never questioned me about who the father was because he knew it was his baby. Colt moved out of the apartment he shared with some of his football buddies and got us our own place. On the night I graduated high school, he proposed and I accepted. We were happy. Complete. We were going to be a family and we had our whole lives to be together.
“Ryan had moved to Dallas after he graduated, but he came in periodically to visit. He had come in that week for my graduation and was staying at our place.” Fuck. I was going to lose it. I knew it.
“It was a Thursday. I had an ultrasound but Colt couldn’t get off work to come with me, so Ryan came. He wanted to see his niece or nephew. I knew something was wrong as soon as the ultrasound started. I was three months along so I had already had another ultrasound, and I knew I should have heard the baby’s heartbeat instantly, and I didn’t. The look on the ultrasound tech’s face proved what I had already figured out.” I took a few moments to gain my composure. “My baby didn’t have a heartbeat anymore. They said there was always a risk of miscarriage in every pregnancy. . There was nothing I could have done. The doctor came in and talked to me about a medical abortion. God, Logan, I wanted to punch him in the face. He acted like he did this every day, and in his world I knew this was common, but to me, I was losing everything. Ryan was the one who really paid attention. I just sat in his lap and cried. He had to carry me to the car and drive us home because I couldn’t quit crying. Once he got me home, he carried me inside and laid me down in bed. He held me while I cried. I would cry for a little while, then I would yell, then I would cry all over again. Hours went by like that. Colt didn’t come home till late. I couldn’t just call him and tell him, so he didn’t know anything was wrong. He had gone out for drinks with the guy who rode to work with him.” I knew that everything was about to change. I could feel that when I was talking to Logan. Everything was about to change with my next words I was sure of it. This was the part where he would judge me. This is the part when were he run.
“Ryan and I were still lying in bed, just talking while I was crying. We didn’t hear Colt come in. He was drunk. Honest to God, drunk as a skunk. He opened our bedroom door, took one look at Ryan and me and lost his shit. He started screaming that I was a whore, telling Ryan that he hated him and he was a worthless piece of shit. We tried to explain it to him. Tried telling him that it wasn’t what it looked like, but he didn’t believe us. He even said that the baby wasn’t his, that it was Ryan’s.” I stopped and wiped the tears that were pouring from my eyes. I hadn’t told anyone the full story since the day after he died, and even then Wynee was the only person I had ever told.
“He started throwing clothes in a duffle bag and telling me that he was done with me. I just kept crying. I couldn’t speak. I just cried and said “no” over and over. Ryan tried to calm him down. Told him that he was drunk and he was being irrational. He tried to convince him to lie down and sleep it off, that in the morning everything would make more sense. But, Colt was stubborn, he did what he wanted to do, and he didn’t want to listen to Ryan. He ran out to his truck, keys in hand, with me running behind him and Ryan trying to wrestle the keys away from him. It had started raining, hard, and he was way too drunk to drive. I was still crying and begging Colt to stop. Begging him to not leave, but he wouldn’t listen.
Once Ryan figured out that he wasn’t going to listen to us, he wrapped me in a bear hug and started dragging me inside. The last thing Colt ever said to me was that I broke his heart. He drove off, and never came back. He ran off the side of the road and into a tree.” I looked at Logan in the eyes for the first time since I had started talking. “You know the part that hurts me the most, the part I will never forgive myself for? He didn’t die instantly. He died slowly on an old back road, alone and convinced that I had betrayed him with his brother. He died because I broke his heart. Colt died because of me.”
“Cookie, you can’t honestly think that Colt’s death was your fault?” I had been asked that question more times than I could count. By family, friends, therapists. And the answer was always the same, yes I did think it was my fault. I blamed myself every day for what happened to Colt. Because I had a history of being a whore, he wasn’t here. He had lost his life because of my actions.
I shook my head and continued. If we were going to talk about this, I was going to tell him everything. “After Colt died, Ryan joined the Army. I haven’t seen him in four years. Colt’s parents sold their house and moved to Dallas to be closer to family. They lost both of their sons because of my actions. I didn’t deal with Colt’s death well. I went off the deep end very quickly. I drank too much. I took every drug I could get my hands on. And I slept with any guy that gave me attention. I was a fucking whore.” God, I hated saying that, but I knew it was true. I had never been Mother Theresa, but after I lost Colt, I took a head first dive into a world full of debauchery and indulgence.
“I met Brian towards the end of all of that. I decided I needed to get my shit together, so I did. I quit whoring around. I quit the drugs and the alcohol with the help of detox clinics and NA and AA meetings. Shortly after I quit everything, I found out I was pregnant with Lyric. You know everything else.”
I felt heartbroken and relieved at the same time. There was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, but at the same time, there was a pressure on my chest
that made it feel like an elephant was sitting there.
I had never gone into that much detail with anyone, not even Wynee. It felt good to lay it out there, but I also knew my honestly was going to cost me my Logan.
I laughed out loud at no one in particular, thinking of how fucked up everything was. It was my Karma. I had taken away Colt’s life. Ruined his chance at happiness. Hell, I ruined his chance at anything. And at that moment, I was losing Logan because of the hurt I had caused Colt. Karma was a viscous motherfucker, but I deserved every bit of it.
I started crying. I cried for Colt. For Logan. For myself. I cried for the baby that I never got to know. For the brother or sister Lyric never got to have. I cried for everything I could think of till I thought I would drown in my own tears.
I collapsed on my side on my bed and curled into a ball, continuing to cry. Logan pulled me back until my back was flush with his chest. He held me as tight as he could without squeezing me to death and whispered tenderly to me, “It will be okay. I’m here.” His voice a calming balm, washed over me and he repeated the same words of reassurance over and over again. I eventually gave into the exhaustion my body felt. My mind was still running a mile a minute, but I couldn’t fight the fatigue anymore.
Right before I fell asleep, I could have sworn I heard Logan say he loved me, but just like all the good things in my life, I knew it was only a dream.
My alarm went off at five am like it normally did. I had gotten used to running on little to no sleep. Being with Molly gave me energy, even if I was only getting three to four hours of sleep a night.
