by Sally Rooney
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When Felix got home after work that evening, his dog came bounding up from the kitchen, letting out several high yelps in quick succession, claws clicking on the laminate. Reaching him, she leapt up with her front paws on his legs, her tongue lolling out, panting. He put his hands on her head, tousling her ears, and she let out another yelp. Shh, he said. I’ve missed you too. Is anyone home? Gently he pushed her back down onto the floor, where she ran around in a circle and sneezed. Felix made his way down the hall then and she trotted behind him. The kitchen was empty, the lights turned off, a few breakfast dishes soaking in the sink. He sat idly on a kitchen chair and took his phone out, while the dog sat at his feet and settled her head in his lap. Scrolling through his notifications with one hand, he rubbed at the scruff of her neck with the other. Alice had sent him a text reading: Still on for Danielle’s party this evening? I baked a cake just in case. Hope work was ok. He opened the message then and typed a quick reply: Yeah still on. Said we would be there around 7 is that ok? Dont get your hopes up too much haha it will prob just be a lot of old people and kids. But dani will be glad to see you. The dog emitted a low whining noise and he returned his hand to her head, saying: I’ve only been gone two days, you know. Are they feeding you alright? She reared her head back to lick his hand. Thanks, he said. That’s disgusting. His phone vibrated and he checked it again. Alice was asking if he wanted to eat dinner with them and he said he had eaten already. Will swing by and pick you up in a bit, he typed. She replied: Great. Eileen is in a weird mood, just to let you know … Raising his eyebrows, he typed back: Ahaha. I know anyway, saw her this morning. Your friends are as bad as you are. He got up then, pocketing his phone, and went to the sink to turn on the hot tap. On the left side of his left hand, below the joint of his smallest finger, was a blue sticking plaster. While the hot tap ran, he peeled it off gingerly and looked underneath. A deep pink cut ran just under his knuckle, around to the palm of his hand on the other side. The white cotton pad of the sticking plaster was stained with blood, but the wound was no longer bleeding. He rolled the plaster up and dropped it in the bin under the sink, then washed his hands with soap and water, wincing as he rinsed the cut under the tap. Still sitting at the foot of the kitchen chair, the dog thumped her tail against the floor. Turning around to look down at her, drying his hands carefully on a clean dishcloth, he asked: Do you remember Alice? She’s been here a few times, you’ve met her. The dog got up from the floor and padded over to him. I don’t know if she’s allowed dogs at her house, he remarked. I’ll find out for you. He refilled the dog’s bowl with water then. While she was drinking, he went upstairs and changed his clothes, taking off the black running shoes he had worn to work and leaving them under his bed. A clean pair of black sweatpants, a white T-shirt, grey cotton pullover. Against the back of his bedroom door was a full-length mirror, in which he checked his reflection. His eyes travelling over the slim figure in the mirror, he shook his head, as if amused by some remembered idea. Down in the hall then, he sat on the staircase to lace up a pair of white sneakers. The dog came up from the kitchen and sat in front of him, prodding his knee with her long delicate jaw. You haven’t been cooped up in here the whole time, have you? he said. Gavin said he was going to take you out yesterday. She tried to lick his hand again and gently he pushed her muzzle away. Now you’re making me feel bad, he said. She let out a low whining noise and put her head down on the bottom step, looking up. Getting to his feet, he said: You have a lot in common with her, you know. You’re both in love with me. The dog followed him to the door, whimpering, and he patted her head once more before he left. God love you, he muttered. Then he shut the front door behind him and got in the car.
A warm still evening, blue showing softly through white cloud. Felix knocked on Alice’s front door once before opening it, calling out: Hey, it’s me. Inside, the lights were on. From upstairs, her voice answered: We’re up here. He shut the door behind him and jogged up the staircase. At the back of the landing, Simon was standing in the open doorway of Eileen’s room. He turned to greet Felix and they looked at one another a moment, Simon with a resigned expression, tired. Hello, handsome, Felix said. Simon smiled then, and gestured for Felix to enter the room ahead of him, saying: Nice to see you too. Inside, Eileen was sitting at the dressing table and Alice was leaning against it, unscrewing a tube of lipstick. Felix sat down on the end of the bed, watching Eileen put on make-up. His eyes moved over her shoulders, the back of her head, over her reflection in the mirror, the slightly rigid expression on her face, while Alice and Simon were talking about something that had been in the news that day. Brandishing a small plastic wand, Eileen met Felix’s eyes in the mirror and said: Would you like some? He got up and examined the object. What is it, mascara? he said. Go on, why not. She moved over on the little bench to let him sit beside her. He sat down with his back to the mirror, and Eileen said: Look up for a second. He obliged. She ran the brush over his left lower lid with a delicate gesture of her wrist.
Simon, how about you? said Alice.
From the doorway Simon replied peaceably: No, thanks.
He’s pretty enough already, Felix said.
Alice clicked her tongue, putting the cap back on the lipstick. Don’t make personal remarks, she said.
With his hand in his pocket Simon said: Don’t listen to her, Felix.
Eileen withdrew the mascara brush and Felix opened his eyes again. Turning around, he glanced at his own reflection in the mirror impassively and then rose from the seat. Can any of you sing, by the way? he asked. They all looked at him. Just sometimes these things involve a bit of singing, he said. You don’t have to if you really can’t, obviously. Alice said that Simon had been in a choir at Oxford, and Simon said he didn’t think anyone at the party would be in the mood to hear the bass part of the Miserere for fourteen minutes. What about you, Eileen? Felix said. Can you sing? She was screwing the cap back on the mascara. He looked at her but she avoided his eyes. No, I can’t, she answered. She rose to her feet then, smoothing her hands over her hips. I’m ready to go when everyone else is, she said.
In the car Alice sat in the front seat, carrying a sponge cake wrapped in clingfilm on a plate. Eileen and Simon sat in the back, the middle seat between them. Felix glanced at them in the rear-view mirror and then drummed his fingers cheerfully on the steering wheel. So what do you do in the gym? he asked. Like, rowing machine, or what. Simon met his eyes in the mirror, and Alice turned her face away, smiling, or trying not to laugh. I do a little bit on the rowing machine, yeah, Simon answered. Felix asked if he lifted weights at all and Simon said not a lot. Alice started laughing then and pretending to cough. What? said Eileen. Nothing, she answered. Felix hit the indicator as they approached the turn off the coast road into town. And what height are you? he asked. Out of curiosity. With a lazy smile Simon looked out the window. Shameless, Alice said. I don’t get it, said Eileen. Clearing his throat, Simon answered in a low voice: Six foot three. Felix was grinning then. See, it’s just a question, he said. Six foot three. And now I know. Tapping his fingers on the steering wheel again he added: I’m like five foot eight, by the way. Not that you care, just telling you. From the back seat Eileen said she was also five foot eight. Felix glanced at her over his shoulder and then back at the road again. Are you, he said. Interesting. For a girl it’s a good tall height. Still looking out the window at the passing facades of summer homes, Simon remarked: I think it’s a fine height for anyone. Felix laughed. Thanks, big guy, he said. They were driving down the main street then, past the turn-off for the amusements. We don’t have to stay that long or anything, he remarked. At this thing. I just said I’d swing by for a bit. Hitting the indicator once more, he added: And if you get talking to anyone who says anything bad about me, they’re lying. Simon started to laugh. Do people say bad things about you? Eileen asked. Felix glanced at her in the mirror again, waiting to turn right. Well, there’s nasty people out there in the world, Eileen, he answered.
And I’m not for everyone, let’s be honest. He took the right turn then, off the main road behind the church, and after a few minutes pulled in outside a bungalow, where several cars were parked already in the driveway. When he turned the engine off he said: Now just be normal, alright? Don’t go in there talking about like, world politics and shit like that. People will think you’re freaks. Alice turned around in her seat and said: His friends are very nice, don’t worry. Eileen said she didn’t know anything about world politics anyway.
Felix rang the doorbell and Danielle came to answer it. She was wearing a short blue summer dress and her hair was loose around her shoulders. Behind her, the house was bright and noisy. She welcomed them inside and Felix kissed her cheek, saying: Hey, happy birthday. You look great. She waved him away with her hand, pleased. Since when do you give compliments? she said. Alice introduced Eileen and Simon, and Danielle said: You’re all so glam, I’m jealous. Come on in. The kitchen was a tiled room behind the hallway, with a ceiling light over the table and a back door leading out onto the garden. Inside, seven or eight people were drinking from plastic cups and talking, and from the living room beside them came the sound of music and laughter. On the table were various cans and bottles, empty and unopened, a bowl of crisps, a corkscrew. A tall man standing by the fridge said: Felix Brady, where have you been this week? Another man who was standing at the back door smoking called out: He’s been off riding his new girlfriend. When the first man pointed his thumb at Alice, the second man made an apologetic face and stepped inside to say: I am so sorry, I didn’t see you there. Alice smiled and said not to worry. Eating a handful of crisps, Felix nodded over his shoulder and said: These are friends of hers. Be nice to them, they’re a bitteen odd. Looking at Eileen, Danielle shook her head. How do you put up with him? she said. Let me get you a drink. Alice had put the cake down on a kitchen counter and was peeling off the clingfilm. A woman came out from the living room holding a small child in her arms. Danielle, the woman said, we’re going to head off before this man falls asleep. Danielle put her hand on the child’s light curls and kissed his forehead. Eileen, she said, this is my precious nephew Ethan. What do you think, isn’t he an angel? The woman holding the child reached to untangle one of her earrings from the child’s fingers. Eileen asked what age he was and the woman answered: Two years two months. Felix’s housemate Gavin was standing with Alice at the countertop asking her if she had baked the cake herself. Felix took a rolled cigarette from his wallet and said casually to Simon: Come outside for one?
The back garden was cooler and quieter. A little way down the grass, a woman, a man and a little girl were playing an improvised game of football, using sweatshirts as goalposts. Felix leaned back against the garden wall, facing the grass, lighting a cigarette, and Simon stood beside him, watching the game in progress. Behind them the back of the house was hidden by the dark bulk of the garage. Energetically the little girl ran back and forth between the two adults, dribbling the ball awkwardly at her feet. Exhaling a mouthful of smoke, Felix said: Do you think Alice would be allowed have a dog in her house? Simon looked around attentively. Well, if she buys it, she can do what she likes, he said. Why, do you have a dog? Felix was frowning. Is she thinking of buying it? he asked. Simon paused. Oh, he said. I don’t know. I thought she told me that on the phone one night, but I might be wrong. With a curious expression, Felix glanced down at the lit tip of his cigarette before taking another drag. Then he answered: Yeah, I have a dog. I mean, she’s not really mine. The last people who were renting our place just left her behind when they moved, so we kind of ended up with her by accident. Simon watched him while he spoke. She was really skinny then, Felix added. Like, not healthy at all. And she had anxieties. Didn’t like anyone touching her or anything. She’d hide off somewhere while you were putting out food, and then when you were gone away she’d come out and eat it. And actually she had some aggression problems as well. You know, if you went too close to her and she didn’t like it, she might snap at you, that kind of thing. Simon was nodding his head slowly. He asked Felix if he thought something traumatic had happened to the dog in the past. Hard to know, Felix said. Maybe the last crowd kind of neglected her. She definitely had problems anyway, wherever she got them from. He tapped some ash off his cigarette and let it float down slowly toward the grass. But she relaxed a bit in the end, he said. Just got used to being fed, and nothing bad happening, and eventually she didn’t mind us going near her. She still doesn’t like strangers touching her too much, but with me she likes it. Simon was smiling. That’s nice, he said. I’m glad. Felix exhaled again, with a grimace. But it did take a good while, he replied. The other lads actually wanted to get rid of her at one stage, because the behaviour was so bad and she didn’t really seem to be calming down at all. And not to make myself out to be the hero, but I was the one who said we should keep her. With a laugh Simon said: You can be the hero, I don’t mind. Thoughtfully Felix went on smoking. I was just wondering would I be allowed bring her up to Alice’s house, he added. Some landlords, they won’t let you. But if she’s going to buy the place it’s different. I didn’t know she was thinking about that. Down the garden, the little girl had managed to kick the ball between the goalposts, and the man had lifted her up on his shoulders, cheering. Simon watched them, saying nothing. Felix scraped the last of his cigarette along the wall beside him until it went out. Then he dropped the end down in the grass. So what happened last night? he asked. Simon looked around at him. What do you mean? he said. Felix gave a short cough from his chest. I mean between you and Eileen, he said. You don’t have to tell me, but you might as well. The little girl was coming back down the garden toward the house, the man and woman walking behind her, talking. As they passed, the man nodded and said: How’s life, Brady? Felix answered: Yeah, not bad, thanks. They went inside, pulling the door behind them. The garden was empty then except for Simon and Felix, standing on the grass together behind the garage. After a long silence, Simon dropped his gaze down to his feet and said: I don’t really know what happened. Felix gave a laugh at that. Okay, he said. I’ll fill you in. You went into her room after we got home, right? And then a bit later, you went back to your room, and today you’re both depressed. I don’t know anything more than that, so you tell me. You had sex with her, or what? Simon passed his hand down over his face, looking tired. Right, he said. No further remark followed, and Felix prompted: Not for the first time, I would guess. Simon gave a wan smile. No, he agreed. Not quite. Felix put his hands in his pockets, watching Simon’s face. And then what? he said. You had a fight. Not that I could hear you, by the way. It must have been a quiet kind of fight if it was one. Simon was rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. It wasn’t, he said. We just talked. She said she’d prefer to stay friends. That’s all. We didn’t fight about it. With his eyebrows raised, Felix was staring. Fuck’s sake, he said. She said that to you after you just had sex with her? What kind of behaviour is that? Simon gave an awkward laugh, dropped his hand, looked away. Well, we all do things we shouldn’t do, he said. I think she’s just unhappy. Felix frowned at him for a second or two. There you go, he said. Trying to be like Jesus again. Simon gave another strained laugh. No, he answered, Jesus actually resisted temptation, as I recall. Smiling now, Felix reached to touch Simon’s hand, and Simon let him. Down the inside of his wrist, down toward his palm, Felix brushed the back of his fingers slowly. A few seconds passed in silence. Quietly Simon said: She’s a very dear friend of mine. Alice. Felix started laughing then, and let go of his hand. That’s cute of you to say, he said. What do you mean? Simon stood there looking calm, tired. I just mean, I’m extremely fond of her, he answered. I admire her. Felix gave another cough, shaking his head. You mean like, if I do anything bad to her you’ll kick my head in, he said. Simon was touching his own wrist then where Felix had touched it before, circling it in his hand as if it hurt. No, he said, I actually didn’t mean that at all. Felix gave a yawn, stretching his arms. You could, though, he said. Kick
my head in. Easily. He straightened up and turned to look out at the garden. If she’s such a good friend of yours, he asked, how come you’ve never been to see her all this time she’s been living here? Surprised, Simon said he had been trying to arrange to come and see Alice since February, and that she had always told him she was away or that it didn’t suit. I also invited her to come and stay with me, he added. But she said she was busy. The impression I got was that she didn’t want to see me. I’m not saying that in an accusatory way, I thought maybe she just wanted a break. We had been seeing quite a lot of each other, you know, before she left Dublin. Felix was nodding to himself. When she was in hospital, was it? he asked. Simon looked at him for a time, and answered: Yes. Felix put his hands in his pockets and walked away for a moment, aimlessly, before returning to the wall, facing Simon. So all this time you’ve been on at her, saying you want to see her, and she’s been saying, no, I’m busy? he asked. Simon replied: Sure, but as I say, there’s nothing wrong with that. Felix grinned. It didn’t hurt your feelings? he said. Simon smiled back at him. No, no, he replied. I’m very grown-up about these things. Kicking the toe of his shoe against the wall, Felix asked: What was she like in hospital? In a bad way, was she? Simon seemed to think about the question, and then answered: She seems much better now. Felix wandered away again, far enough beyond the garage to look back at the house. Well, he said, if you see her in there, tell her I want to talk to her. Simon nodded his head and for a few seconds said nothing, did nothing. Then he stood up straight and went back inside.
