by Bry Ann
Dana- 26 Years Old:
Sam had been gone for almost five years. Logan and I had moved on for the most part. We weren’t so much mad that she left. What infuriated us and broke our hearts was that she never contacted us again, never let us know she was okay. She just walked right out of our lives.
Logan was a whole different person now. Way smarter, way more serious and way more grown up. It really astounded me to see the man my brother was becoming. He was no longer immature and no longer oblivious to the power he held. He was well aware of his power and extremely smart about the way he handled it. He treated people well but demanded respect and did what he had to set himself up for success. The good thing was Logan and I had grown a lot closer. I had grown up and gotten over a lot of my issues, gotten feistier, and overall, we just got along a lot better. We were able to work out some old childhood stuff. I was extremely grateful for that.
A week later I was at our childhood home grabbing some stuff for my new apartment when my phone starting dinging. Slightly frustrated by the distraction I picked up my phone and immediately dropped it when I read the text.
Logan: I can’t call, or I’d tell you this via phone. Sam is here and Dana, she has a kid. Dana, it’s mine. We are on our way over.
WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL? That’s all that kept playing in my mind. I was so angry. So shocked. Fire was storming through my body. Why would he text me this information?! I decided to send him a low-key text back though, because I knew my brother was probably freaking out.
Me: I’ll be here. I love you. I'm here for you. It’ll be okay.
Logan: Thanks Day. I’m trying not to puke on them.
Me: Lol. Puke on Sam, not the kid.
Logan: ;)... Tempting.
I laughed and tossed my phone to the side. Holy shit, this was a plot twist. When Sam came over I thought I’d hate her guts, I wanted to, but the look of absolute shame on her face made it really hard to hate her. She clearly felt horrible. Anytime Logan came within a foot of her she would start shaking. We all entered the living room and then out from behind Sam’s leg came the most beautiful blonde little girl I’d ever seen. She looked so much like Logan but had Sam’s eyes. My eyes popped. It was the weirdest, most alarming thing I’d ever seen, but also the most heartwarming thing as well. I instantly loved her.
Logan and Sam had some kind of argument/date/rekindling thing to go do and in the moment, I could give two shits about them. All I wanted was to be with this adorable little girl who shared my name. She literally was the cutest thing. The whole two or so hours we were together she went on and on about this girl named Alexa, how big the buildings were here and how cool “LP”, aka Logan, was. It literally killed me that she called Logan LP. It was so funny! My brother was used to getting Mr. Prescott or if you were super close with him Logan, but he’s people gave nicknames to, making it all the funnier. I couldn’t stop my curiosity from getting the best of me. While I played with her I drilled her endlessly about Sam. I kept trying to find a fault in Sam. As bad as it sounds I wanted to find a fault in Sam’s parenting. I wanted a reason to be even more angry with her because I was so hurt, but other than lying and hurting my brother she sounded like she was an amazing mom to Jazmine. I mean the results were evident. Jazmine was an amazing little girl; fun, polite, religious and kind. It was hard for me to believe all the things Jazmine told me Sam did for her. She took her to church. She showed her how to have fun even though they struggled financially. She instilled a healthy relationship with food in her, not one based on restriction, but one based on how her body felt. She was confident and sure of herself. I found myself wanting to know all about what Sam went through these past five years to make her such an amazing mother.
Several hours later Sam and Logan came back. The second I laid eyes on Sam I found I was still so angry at her. I tried to scold her, threaten her, but Logan stopped me both times. I became super curious about what the hell they had discussed. Logan no longer seemed mad at Sam. He seemed… relaxed.
Once Sam went to bed Logan explained everything to me. He explained how Sam had a breakdown, how she said she hated herself, how she didn’t think she’d keep Jazmine and by the time she knew she would time so much time had passed, and she became scared he’d hate Jazmine like her father hated her. Instantly all the anger dissolved from my heart, the same way it had with Logan. We both knew scars. She screwed up big time but we both weren’t willing to hold it over her head. Especially because she seemed like she was too busy holding it over her own.
The next morning, I wanted to make up to Sam right off the bat, but she was still asleep. Logan was on the couch with his flipping daughter being so cute my heart melted. I immediately decided we needed kid food; pancakes, sandwiches, cookies. I grabbed Logan’s credit card and went to the store, humming as I bought every piece of crap food I could find. My goal was to have Sam kill me. Jazzy had no grandparents so I would have to do.
The second I got home I threw my arms around Sam, which totally threw her off guard, and put the groceries away. I told Sam I forgave her and I could literally feel how grateful she was by her body language. Her and Logan were laughing about something when I walked in the room. I asked Sam to help me carry some stuff out to the garage. Little did I know my whole life was about to change.
I shot Gunner a text telling him about Sam and Jazmine. He found it super amusing Logan was going to be a dad and I told him to go fuck himself. Logan would be a great dad. Way better than mine ever was.
I think I felt trouble before I entered the garage. I heard Sam’s voice, overly calm. I entered and came face to face with a room full of armed men. I felt my stomach fall through my throat. This was me. This was because of what I did.
“Gunner what the hell is wrong with you?! Why are you being such an asshole,” I snapped as we made our way through the wooded area by Logan’s house.
It had been a week or so since Gunner kissed me. It was fast and left us both confused. I’d had feelings for Gunner for a while and had been able to push them aside until that moment. Gunner said it could never happen between us, but I couldn’t help wondering whether he liked me too or if the kiss was just a mistake. Regardless the kiss made things weird. It made me want things. It made me wonder if Gunner wanted things too. This timing was all wrong though because Gunner had been increasingly disturbed lately and it had nothing to do with the kiss or the tension between us.
“Nothing okay? Just stay out of my fucking business for once!” he snapped
I sighed and grabbed his shoulders, gently turning him towards me. I didn’t let go of his giant frame once as I spoke.
“What. Is. Wrong?”
He sighed and ran a hand over his face.
“Sit down.”
We both took a seat right there in the dirt. I’m pretty sure I felt sticks digging into my butt, but I didn’t care. Gunner needed to talk and apparently, he needed to do it right there so who was I to argue. I’d dragged him to random places at random times loads of times when I was upset.
“I do what I have to do, always. I know who and what I am. I’m violent, I’m a criminal, I’m ruthless, all these things.”
I swallowed, but nodded reluctantly, encouraging him to keep going.
“But even I have my limits. Shit I won’t do. I’ve told you about how Tim is changing. Shit’s getting really real, but I’ve never told you how far it’s going. How far he’s taking things.”
I looked in his eyes and for the first time realized how deeply exhausted he looked. Dark circles surrounded his eyes. Although still massive, he had lost a lot of weight. He looked down right tired to the bone.
“Tim’s hurting girls. Like fucking torturing people. I’ve wanted out for a while. That’s shit I won’t do. I mean I’d torture a guy if necessary, but not for the thrill of it and certainly not a fucking woman. I’ve hit women I had to, but I’d only go so far. It’s part of the role I have to play to stay alive. I’ve thought about leaving, but I’ve been able to free some
of these girls and talk Tim out of the torture of a few others. I feed them when I can. If I leave they are fucked, but…. It’s taking a toll. His shit is so fucked up Dana. Not even I can handle this. I don’t know what to do.”
This is by far the most honest Gunner has ever been with me about his “business”. I was a little shocked, a lot triggered, but I had to be there for him.
“I don’t know what to say. We have to help them somehow. He can’t keep hurting people!”
“I know Dana. I know.”
“I mean I think it’s great you’re helping how you can but…”
“I’ll handle it. Okay?”
“Gunner don’t shut me out. I…”
“I said I’d handle it!” Gunner snapped
He stood up and extended his hand to help me to my feet. I knew I had to drop it. Gunner’s wall was back up. I was just grateful I’d even gotten it down that far.
After that hike I went straight to the police station and told them I knew where Tim was stationed. The police had been after that crew for a while. I said I’d only tell them if they gave a friend of mine full immunity. They asked for his name. I said not until they agreed so I didn’t implicate him. They said they could arrest me. I told them to go ahead, because I still wouldn’t talk. Eventually they agreed.
I wanted to scream or do something, but my words were caught in my throat. Sam didn’t seem afraid at all. Her stance was defensive and protective. She was strong and badass, unlike me. Then Tim started accusing her of turning them in. I tried to open my mouth, but before I could get any words she looked at me. She knew. She knew about Gunner. She knew I loved him. She knew what I did. Sam didn’t even hesitate. She took the blame. She said she did it. I tried to stop her, but I was so freaking scared. I was afraid like that coward I was. They grabbed me, and my heart was beating so fast in my chest I wasn’t even thinking of Sam. When we got outside I saw the dead bodyguards and my breath caught in my throat. They were able to kill Logan’s guards. Those were good men, with families. Then I saw my brother run out. I was so selfish I just wanted him to save me, to save us. I felt my whole body shaking. I couldn’t think, only feel, and I felt like a selfish bitch when Jazmine came running out. I was only thinking of myself but what if they took Jazzy? Sam was a mom. What if Jazzy lost her mom? Holy shit. I wanted to kill myself, my self-hatred and fear ran so deep.
Sam was able to talk Tim into keeping Jazmine safe. Of course. I couldn’t even look at Logan. I couldn’t see his pain, pain I caused. Sam and I were stuffed in a car and I shook like a leaf. Sam tried to comfort me and then fought with Tim relentlessly to get me released. I think they made a deal to get me out in twenty-four hours, but I couldn’t process anything they were saying. How was Sam so brave? I was dizzy with fear. When the car stopped I was able to temporarily get out of my haze. I had to stop Sam from taking the blame. This was my fault!
“Sam” I said desperately once we were alone, “I can’t let you do this. They’ll hurt you. Torture you. They’ve changed. Gunner told me awful…”
Sam cut me off, looking tired and resolute in her fate.
“Dana… Shhh… It’s okay. Keep your mouth shut. When you are out make sure Logan does right by my baby, okay?”
My heart seized as we were pulled away from each other. I heard Sam screaming for me from down the hallway. How could I ever have been mad at her? She was loyal to a fault. God let her live!
I was thrown into a room that looked like a jail cell. I fell to the floor and shook profusely. I curled myself into a ball and begged God not to have them rape me. One of the guards laughed when he saw me on the floor.
“Don’t worry kid. We can’t touch you. Your snitch of a friend made a deal and is watching you on an iPad. We need her cooperation. So long as she takes what Tim has comin’ then you’re safe.”
All the blood drained from my body.
“No Sam. No.”
My voice was hollow. I was so paralyzed with emotion. Something weird happened after that. I just shut down. They were gonna hurt Sam, possibly worse, BECAUSE OF ME! I looked around the room for something to slit my wrist with, anything. I saw the gun in the guard's holster, but I couldn’t get it from him without him hurting me. I knew he wouldn’t kill me. Not without an order. I knew how these things worked.
Two hours or so I sat on the floor shaking. Frozen. Guilt ridden to the point of immeasurable pain. I heard commotion behind me but didn’t move. Didn’t bother. I was frozen. I closed my eyes wishing I was dead. What if they killed Sam and were coming for me?
I felt a hand touch my shoulder and I shot back shaking and crying. I shut my eyes tighter.
“No,” I screeched.
“Dana, it’s me. It’s me.”
I recognized that voice. It couldn’t be. I opened my eyes slowly. It was Gunner! He came for me?
“We have to go. Now! I’m going to pick you up.”
He didn’t ask. He effortlessly picked me up and ran me out of the building to safety. To Logan. I stayed in shock for a little while then snapped out of it enough to remember Sam. Logan kept asking about her, but I couldn’t think initially. When I came to I turned to Gunner who was watching me carefully, concerned.
“You have to save her!” I screamed out of nowhere, causing them both to jump back. “Sam. Please Gunner! Please. I’m begging you.”
“Did they touch you?” Gunner gritted out, ignoring my question.
“No, and none of that matters… Sam. They are gonna hurt Sam.”
I heard Logan let out a sound that sounded awfully like a whimper. He stood up from crouching in front of me and paced around, clearly not sure what to do.
“I can’t Dana. It’s risky,” he said as he ran his hand through his hair. “These are my people. I’ll lose everything.”
I stood up and held Gunner’s gaze.
“If you’ve ever cared about me, if I was ever really your friend, you will go save Sam.”
Gunner stared at me for a second and then turned around, heading for that door.
“Logan meet me by the fucking car. She’ll need you. Dana prep the hospital. Logan’s probably already called the police and probably the whole goddamn army.”
Then he bolted for the car. I knew he was mad I’d gotten involved in his mess, but he’d just confirmed something I’d long hoped was true. I couldn’t think of that then. I was far too busy scrambling for the phone, pleading with God Sam was alive and unharmed.
I had a feeling she was alive, because Sam is a survivor, but I knew…. I knew she was not unharmed and nothing would ever be the same.
Present day: Chapter 11:
I groaned and pulled my hands above my head to stretch. As soon as I lifted my arms I felt a body underneath me.
“What the…” I looked up and saw Gunner smirking at me. Holy shit, last night. We kissed. I asked him to rub my hair. I must have fallen asleep. In his lap. Shit. I sat up immediately.
“I’m so sorry. I trapped you on the couch. You could have woken me up!”
“You were so peaceful,” he shrugged, “but Alexa is leaving soon, Rex texted me, so go get dressed so you can say bye and all that.”
Without saying a word, I started to walk out to head towards my room. Once I saw Gunner head for the bedroom in my peripheral vision I turned around.
“Gunner?” I called.
“Yep.”
“Are we still friends? Are... you angry with me?”
I felt like a vulnerable ten-year-old in the moment. Gunner knew all sides of me. We’d been friends forever, but usually around him I was feisty and argumentative. He was definitely not used to seeing my more vulnerable side aimed at him. I could see in his eyes he understood how vulnerable I felt. He took several steps towards me until he was holding both of my arms gently. I tried to hold back my tears, but I knew my eyes were watery. My whole body was shaking. The second Gunner touched me he felt it and frowned. He tightened his grip on my arms.
“You’re shaking?”
&nb
sp; “I’m scared.”
He just nodded. Understanding. Always understanding.
“I thought about what you said. About my parents’ killers being dead, about having immunity for what I’ve done, about being done with Tim. You are right. I’ve been a coward and hurt a lot of people because of it. I’m just... I’m not sure I’m ready to give that security up Dana. That’s what it all comes down to, what it’s always been about. Security from being broken again like I was when I was fucking seventeen.”
“You’re stronger now,” I grabbed his hand. “Way stronger. You’ve saved me. So many times. You don’t even realize your strength.”
“I’m still a coward,” he said sadly. He shook his head and backed away.
“Get help,” I squeaked out. “Therapy. It can really help.”
“I’m not getting fucking therapy Dana. I’m not seeing a shrink!”
I pulled out of his grip and crossed my arms over my chest. “Why?”
“Because… Fuck Dana, don’t make me say it.”
“No… please go on. I’m waiting.”
“I’m a guy. I don’t want to seem like a pussy.”
I felt my eyes turn dark and I stepped up right into his face.
“Seeing a therapist would be the bravest fucking you’ve ever done. The people who are truly brave are the ones who know they have issues and face them head on verses hiding behind a life of crime and hurting other people to avoid their fucking feelings!” I stomped over to the door and swung it open. “I’m leaving! Tell Alexa I’m on my way.”
“Don’t be mad Dana. Please.”
“I’m not mad. Honestly, I’m not, but if this is your choice we are better off as friends.”
Then I slammed the door and walked back to my room. I bit back my tears and my feelings. I was done crying. I threw on a purple t-shirt. Fuck my scars people could deal with them, even the new gash on my bicep. Then I put on a pair of jeans and an obscene number of necklaces. They always made me feel better. God only knows why. Apparently stuffed pigs and necklaces were what I would die alone with. I let out a bitter laugh.
