by Lindsey Iler
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Shit. I check the mirror again, running my fingers through my hair and smoothing down my outfit to work out the wrinkles. Skinny jeans and a flowy black tank top that dips low on the sides is my idea of simple. If I angle just right, a little side boob action may occur. Not that I’m stacked by any means, but I’m not lacking in the department either.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
The knob bangs against the drywall when I fling it open, and I jump from the sound.
“You look . . .” Dan sighs. “Damn.”
“Speechless, huh?” I twist my arm through his and lean my cheek on his bicep.
“I have all the words. I just don’t know how to say them.” His hand slips up my arm, bringing me closer.
“I’ll take that as a good sign.”
“Oh, these are for you.” Dan offers a small bouquet of flowers, and I gladly accept them. The scent is powerful but welcome. Somehow he’s found all of my favorites in a short amount of time. I won’t ask him how he pulled off the magic. I’ll embrace it and soak it in. That’s the spirit.
“So, where are you whisking me away to?” I set the flowers down on the sofa table as Dan guides us to the front door.
“It’s a surprise.”
I halt in my steps. Dan nearly trips over the area rug tucked under the sofas. He starts to laugh uncontrollably.
“You know I don’t like surprises.” I slug him in the arm and playfully laugh with him.
“This one will be worth the pain you feel from not being in control. You need to learn that you don’t need to supervise every aspect of your life. Sometimes others are capable of pulling it off without your two cents.” His arms pull me in closer, shielding me from any unknown threats.
Once again, his scent takes over my senses. His cologne reminds me of a better time, of the nights spent with my head on his chest. I inhale and feel myself relax into him.
Dan opens the truck door for me, a truck I was unaware he had here. It’s nice, but it isn’t his truck. When I ask him about it, he simply shrugs. If he’s not willing to share his secrets, then it’s fine by me. He doesn’t turn on the radio as I half expect. Instead, his hand finds mine, pulling our linked grasp onto his lap. I have to laugh. It’s something he used to do when we were in high school. You can do this. Allow him to prove you wrong. Be in the moment.
“Something funny?” he asks. His eyes slip over to me, then back to the winding road.
“Nothing’s funny.” I take a deep breath.
“Then why the adorable laugh?”
“This should feel awkward.” I hold up our hands and place them back down on his leg. “But it doesn’t. This morning, I was willing to walk away, leave you in the rearview mirror, and now I feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be.”
“That’s a good thing, Vi.”
I wonder if we’ll always find this comfort with each other, no matter how much time comes between us. We’re like putting on an old sweater. It fits in all the right places, but at what point do you throw it away?
Choosing to live in the moment instead of getting wrapped up in the what ifs, I shake all the bad thoughts away. A silence encompasses us, and I itch with anticipation of where Dan is taking me. I peer out the window, hoping to see something, anything, that will give me a clue.
“There’s nothing out there that will give my plans away, so you might as well do more talking and a little less snooping,” he says as he turns down a dirt road.
I huff and puff, crossing my arms over my chest.
“Fine,” I remark, pleased with how at ease I sound.
“You’ll survive the next five minutes, Vi. I promise.” Dan chuckles from beside me and wraps his hand over mine again.
And five minutes is correct. He pulls into a long driveway. Trees line both sides of the drive, casting shadows on the hood of the truck.
“Where are we?” I sit forward as we hit the break in the trees.
A middle-aged man walks up to the driver’s side, and Dan rolls his window down to greet him.
“Good evening,” he says. “You must be Dan and Violet.” He leans forward, offering me a smile.
“Yes, sir,” Dan answers politely. “Where should I park?” His eyes dance around the grounds.
“Around back is fine. We have everything set up for you. All you need is to accompany the beautiful girl.”
“I can’t thank you enough.” Dan shakes the stranger’s hand before following the pebbled pathway.
Utter confusion keeps me silent. Where we are and why we’re here, isn’t information Dan wants me to know. Although it’s grating on my last nerve, I’m pushing back the urge to strangle him until he spills the beans. Some may call it progress.
Dan pulls off to the side and gets out of the cab. He runs to my side and opens my door. Always the gentleman. The small gesture makes me smile, and I gladly take his offered hand.
“It’s killing you, isn’t it?” He grins as my shoes hit the pebbles. I peek up at him, stiffening from the challenge, and stand to my full height.
“Not at all,” I lie. “Lead the way.”
Dan grips my hand and pulls me toward the back of the white two story with magnificent vines wrapping around the edges. The sight depicts every southern home I’ve ever envisioned.
“Oh my gosh,” I whisper.
We climb the steps to a vast backyard. A pond with a small dock edges of the property. Flowers are everywhere, but the greatest thing about this place is the lack of trees. In this mountain town, it seems like everything is surrounded and bombarded with trees. Not this house, though. It’s open and almost magical.
“Follow me,” Dan says. A fool’s grin is plastered on his face.
“Whose house is this?” I question. “We clearly aren’t trespassing by the greeting we received.”
“Old friend of the Black’s.” He peers over his shoulder and nods his head to the middle of the yard.
“What did you do?” My eyes narrow, just now noticing the giant screen in the middle of the yard.
“I figured I’d try to remind you of our past.” He sits down on the edge of a blanket, and I follow close behind him.
“You dragged me all the way to a stranger’s home to remind me of our past?” I bite at my fingernails, unsure of where the night is headed.
“That, and once it’s dark, you’ll see why this is the only place you’d want to be in the state of Tennessee right now.”
“Are there dolphins in the pond or something?” I point to the beautiful, clear body of water.
“Aren’t you a funny girl?” He tickles my side, and I laugh until I snort. The embarrassing reaction has my face heating.
“I’ve missed that.” Dan’s hand brushes over my pinked cheeks.
“Really?” My lack of confidence is evident as I stand. My feet have me frantic, pacing in front of the blanket.
I used to be ballsy and confident. And now? Well, now, I’m just a girl who can’t take a damn compliment for what it is. Why did I allow myself to become this person?
“Jesus, Violet. What happened to you?” I stand to be next to her. My hand brushes along her arm, and she jerks it away. Her back turns in an act of defiance. “Don’t do that. Talk to me.”
She starts to laugh, which, at this point, is about as confusing as an elephant walking through a shopping mall. When she can’t control the oddly-timed giggles, she blankets her mouth with her hand.
“Can we just sit back down and go back to five minutes ago?” Her emerald eyes give a silent plea, and if I want her to ever trust me again, I need to let her be this time.
“Sure,” I answer, pulling her back down to the blanket.
A picnic basket and cooler sit off to the side. I open the lid and hand Violet a can of Pepsi. She pops the top and takes a long sip.
“I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to kill the mood. You tried really hard on this, and all I’m doing is ruining it.” Her apology is sincere, mixed with uncertain
ty and even more anguish. What’s happened to my girl? Her confidence was once at an abundance, but now? Now she lacks what makes her, her.
“Don’t even worry about it. When you’re ready to talk, you will. I know how it goes. You’re stubborn as hell, Violet. No one can make you do anything you don’t want to.” Not even me.
A slow nod of her head tells me she knows I’m right.
“What about you, huh? You're kind of stubborn yourself, not letting me leave this morning when I wanted to,” she counters.
“I hardly held you against your own will.” I rest back on my palms.
Violet shifts until she’s nestled into the crook of my arm, but far enough away to show she still needs the distance. It’s a weird change from what happened in my bedroom. The kiss we’d shared had been magnetic, but at least all is not lost.
“What’s in the basket?” She nudges the lid with the toe of her shoe.
“Our past,” I answer. I pull the basket in front of us and lift the lid. Inside sits all the things that remind me of her.
“Red Vines?” Violet questions the familiar candy when I toss them on her lap.
“You don’t remember?” I snicker. “Fifth grade. You were eating them in class and got yelled at because we weren’t allowed to bring treats unless we had enough for everyone. You snuck me a piece before Mrs. Willis confiscated them.”
“You remember that?” She laughs at the memory. “What else do you have in there?” She brings it onto her lap, eager to unlock the time capsule I’ve created for her. “Salt and vinegar chips?”
“Freshman year. You had a whole semester where you got them at lunch.”
“Candy buttons?” She offers me the disgusting candy.
“Fourth grade, you were a candy button for Halloween. Weirdest costume ever, by the way.”
“I’ll give you that.” She grins as she pulls out a can of silly string. “Let me guess this one. Sixth-grade camp. Us girls, well, mainly me because I was the only one not too chicken shit to sneak over to the boys’ cabin, and spray all of you with this stuff.”
“And this,” I pull out a tub of popcorn, “is for the movie we are about to watch. This,” I hand her a carton of chocolate milk, “because weirdly enough, it’s your favorite combination.”
“Aren’t you adorable?” She pinches my cheeks, mocking me.
Please stay this carefree. Don’t go back to the girl with the thick armor.
“I am actually very much adorable.” I pop a few pieces of popcorn in my mouth and wiggle my eyebrows.
“So, what movie are we watching?” she asks, shimmying in place. Her curiosity getting the best of her.
“Only your favorite.” I stand and head toward the house, leaving Violet in the dusk of the night, and push play on the projector. The familiar music begins, and when I turn the corner, Violet’s shoulders are shaking with laughter. Beautiful. Something I’m willing to sacrifice a lot for just to get a small glimpse of.
She faces me and grins. When she points to the screen, I shrug. If only this girl could understand I’d do anything for her. Even sit through this movie.
“Footloose. It’s still your favorite, right?” I sit back down beside her.
“Yes.” She shoves her shoulder into me. “I know you think it’s stupid.”
“I don’t think it’s stupid. I think it’s ironic that you make fun of Kennedy for loving Dirty Dancing and Pretty Woman, all while you love this.” I point to the screen.
“This is a classic.” Her argument is utterly useless. She doesn’t need to convince me of anything.
“It’s her red boots, isn’t it?” I grin at the mental image of Violet in a pair, perhaps with nothing else on.
“I do love those boots. Do you know I’ve searched and searched for a pair just like those, and I never have any luck?” She shakes her head, throwing popcorn in her mouth. Her eyes never leave the screen. “When I was younger, I always remember thinking how confident and strong she looked wearing them. I wanted to be her.”
“You are her. Sans the boots, at least.”
“You had to go and remind me I don’t have those damn boots, now, didn’t you?” Violet flutters her feet as though silently wishing for them to magically appear.
We sit, dancing rhythmically around each other. When I grab the popcorn, she reaches for the Red Vines. When I need a drink, she hands it to me. Somehow, even after all this time, we still work like a well-oiled machine.
Her profile shines from the movie screen. She smiles and laughs at her favorite parts. I watch her. She feels my presence but never confirms her suspicion. Unable to keep my hands to myself, I skate the back of my fingers down her cheek. She’s slow to turn, but when she does, her eyes dart around my face.
Kiss her. Touch her. Do something. Don’t just sit here like a pussy.
“Well, are you going to do it or not?” she asks, biting her pink bottom lip.
“Do what?” I challenge.
She throws her leg over me, straddling my lap.
Calm yourself. You aren’t a seventh grader. There will be no premature anything tonight.
My lips brush against hers as I say, “This?”
“Just do it already.” Violet’s hands grip the sides of my face. There’s a sense of urgency behind the movement. She aches for me to touch her.
I roll her underneath me, tucked away, hidden from anyone who may be watching. My hand glides down her ribcage, and at my touch, she surrenders completely.
Our lips ignite. Violet’s tongue brushes over my bottom lip, and I gently nibble on hers. She opens up for me, and our tongues dance with a familiarity I wish I could bottle, just as they always have.
Her legs spread, and my body slumps closer. My arm encircles her, one hand on the small of her back. She breathes heavily through our kiss. When my fingers dig into the bare skin above her jeans, she groans. Her hand rests on my chest, and she pushes me back an inch.
“Wow!” She gasps for air. “Can we take a breather?” She slides out from underneath me and sits up. The absence of her warmth has me craving more.
“Do we really need to?” I lean forward to kiss her again, but she pulls away. I hold up my hands in submission. “Okay, we’ll take a breather.”
“This is all so sweet. All of this.” Violet’s stare shifts around the vast backyard. Her eyes dance over the pond with wonder. She skims her hands over the manicured grass. I’d sell my soul to the devil to know what she has going on in her pretty little head.
“So, what’s the problem?” I brush the strand of hair that always seems to escape, away from the side of her face. The only side she’ll allow me to see.
“I don’t deserve you,” she whispers.
“And maybe that’s true, on paper, but I don’t care. So, you got scared and pushed me away. If the criteria for a healthy relationship is never to second guess the other, the divorce rate would be much higher.”
“Why are you so willing to take a bet on me? You put all your eggs in my basket, hoping to find the golden one to make you rich. I hate to break it to you, but it won’t be there. I’m broken.”
Violet once had the world by the balls. A life where she doesn’t feel the strength she holds isn’t one worth living in my eyes. Her weakness, or at least the weakness she believes, is nothing but a lie. An illusion. Nothing about her is fragile.
“Will you stop talking and just look up?” I point to the sky. She needs the distraction. This is the part of the night I’ve been waiting for.
The Tennessee sky. A poor man’s riches.
Nothing is more spectacular to observe with your eyes, unless you’re lucky enough to be sitting next to Violet Jones.
“Oh my god!” She gasps, covering her mouth. “I almost forgot what it feels like to look at this sky. Isn’t it funny how it’s the same sky, no matter where you are, but different at the same time?” Her words are poetic, a far stretch from the uncertainty she gushed earlier.
“It’s your perspective that changes, i
s all. For instance, when I look up at this exact sky in Maryland, it isn’t as clear and vibrant, but now, with you beside me, it seems to be painted by the hands of someone who knows what true beauty is.”
“You’ve always been quite the wordsmith.” She smiles.
“I don’t want to look at any sky without you with me. I don’t want to walk out my back door and look up to see this, and not know you aren’t thinking about me. Don’t you get it?” My words are an offering, a chance for us to feel whole again, even after all the heartache.
“I do.” She nods, but sadness plagues the movement. Her eyes dance to everything but me. Her unwillingness to face me and inability to turn away confuses me. She feels our connection, but her mind is telling her to push me away.
We stay quiet for the remainder of the movie. We don’t touch, but we still feel each other’s presence.
*****
Neither of us speaks again until we thank the owners for allowing us to trespass. Their oasis is the perfect hot spot. A little after midnight, we pull back into the driveway of the cabin. The uneasiness in the air is suffocating me, and I’d do anything to take the awkwardness away.
I unlock the door and hold it open for Violet. She steps in, turning on the side-table light, illuminating the entryway.
“I’m tired,” she says, almost ashamed. “I can stay up if you’d like.”
“No, you should head to bed. I’ll be fine,” I lie.
In all reality, I won’t be fine. Although it’s unspoken, her uncertainty is there, right in front of us. When we wake in the morning, everything that has happened won’t matter, as if it never occurred. Violet may love me, but loving me doesn’t mean she can be with me right now. She’ll never ask me to wait for her, but she’s also afraid that, if the day comes when she’s ready, I may not be there. Just as I’d promised five months ago.
“Good night, Dan,” she whispers. As she passes, her fingers graze my hand. When she reaches the top landing, she glances down at me. “Being together, it would just confuse things. Kissing you again, it confuses things.”
