by Drew Elyse
She stood gracefully, looking a little worn down. Turning her head to me, she said in a small, sweet voice, “Goodnight, Logan.”
For probably twenty minutes, I just sat at the piano blankly staring at the sheets she’d left behind. Looking at the curves of her writing, but not taking in a thing. Partially, that was because I had a hard on from the sight of Charlotte walking across the room in those shorts, but also because I was thinking about the amazing soul inside of that far too alluring body. So far, she was on a fast track to checking off every box on my list of qualities of the perfect woman, with the obvious exception of the fact that she was off limits. She was obviously gorgeous, but miraculously far from conceited. In fact, I thought she needed way more confidence, though that was a hell of a lot better than the manipulative women I’d gotten used to. She understood music in the same deeply emotional way that I did, she had a sense of humor, and a beautiful laugh, which I’d heard over dinner.
And yet, as much as I desired her, she could never be mine. It made the whole experience more grating. I had never really come across a woman that I wanted and couldn’t have, let alone a woman that I even wanted this badly. Usually, my desire was easily quenched, but a tryst with Aly had done nothing to curb the riotous reaction my body had to Charlotte.
When I finally collected myself enough to leave the bench, I grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and went back down the hall. I was stopped by the sight of her door halfway open, light spilling into the dark hall. She was still wide awake, sitting in bed with a book. I told myself repeatedly to ignore her, keep walking, and go back to my room. My self control still had a lot of developing to do.
“Still not going to sleep?” I called in to her.
“I don’t sleep well when I’ve been drinking. Well… unless I get really drunk,” she added with a shrug.
“I thought I was the only one that has issues with sleep and alcohol.”
She had a look on her face that was conflicted momentarily, and then she indicated the end of the bed, inviting me to sit. I immediately took her up on the offer. Her comforter was a deep shade of purple. She sat on top of it, her alluring legs exposed and calling to me. She pulled her knees up in front of her chest, and I had to control the urge to run my hands up the smooth skin.
As I sat at the foot of the bed facing her, I was hyper-aware of the fact that I was wearing cotton pajama pants. Her eyes fought for a moment, but she gave in and ran them across the exposed skin of my arms and torso. Still semi-hard, I needed to distract myself quickly from her perusal.
Forcing my eyes to leave her slight frame, I found the book she had been reading between us. It was… unrecognizable. At least one page was. On the left, I couldn’t read a word. The right side was in English.
“Spanish?” I asked, trying to decipher anything familiar.
“Italian,” she explained.
“You speak Italian?” I asked.
“Un poco,” she shrugged. “I studied it for a couple years, anyway. I got the opportunity to go to Italy before my first year of college. One of those study-abroad programs for high schoolers. I’m trying to read Dante’s Divine Comedy now, but it is slow going. Even though I’ve already read a translation and this copy having the side-by-side English and Italian, it’s still a struggle.”
Had I ever challenged myself to do something like that when it wasn’t an assignment? No, I was pretty certain that had never happened. “Where did you study in Italy?”
“Rome, Florence, and a week in Assisi. I studied Opera, Italian literature, and worked on my Italian.”
She was easily the most impressive person I had ever met. “That sounds amazing.”
“It was. I would have loved to see Venice, though… or the rest of Europe for that matter.”
“Is Italy the only place you’ve been?”
“Yes. I want to save up to spend some time going through the rest of Europe. I’ve always wanted to go to London and Belfast, but we’ll see.” There was a tone of regret to her voice. “Have you been?”
“Yeah. I’ve been all over. England, France, Germany, Italy, Spain. My parents hadn’t been able to go on a honeymoon when they first got married, so once my dad’s business really took off, we went on a family vacation through Europe one summer.”
“Wow. I wish I hadn’t been abroad alone. I would have loved to bring Eli with me. He worked so many extra shifts to send me, I wish he could have come. I got really lonely over there sometimes.”
In my mind, I could see her. Her big brown eyes bright and that slightly awed face she’d had when admiring the piano earlier on her face. She could rival any masterpiece I’d seen in Italy, or anywhere else in the world. Suddenly, it was clear to me why I had allowed myself to come in and sit with her.
“Look, I wanted to apologize for earlier,” I began awkwardly, “at the club. And… after.”
God Almighty, the blush that crept into her cheeks nearly killed me. When she peeked up at me, her head still down-turned as her sparkling eyes came up to meet mine, I had to count backward from ten to calm my body’s reaction.
“I want you to know that I’m not…” she swallowed and squirmed a bit. “I’m not a danger to myself. I didn’t get to say that earlier, but you should know that. You don’t have to worry about me… making an attempt. I wouldn’t burden you that way.” The shame in her last statement was stifling, and would likely have knocked me on my ass if I had been standing. Her head hung low and she seemed to physically shrink in front of me.
I reached out and gently grazed one of her hands, both of which were wrapped protectively around her legs. “Hey,” I said, and she just barely peered up at me again. “I would be far too concerned about you to feel ‘burdened’ in that situation. And, I don’t judge you for this,” I slowly approached the thin scar with my index finger, though stopped short of actually touching it. I wasn’t sure how she would react to that and I didn’t want her pushing me out now. “I can only imagine what it is like when pain makes you feel that desperate.” I didn’t plan my next words, but they came tumbling out anyway, surprising us both, “But just so you know, I think this world is a better place with you in it than it would be without.”
Now the blush on her cheeks was bright crimson, but her eyes stayed locked on mine. I was glad, because as embarrassed as I was by my own words, I wanted her to see that they were earnest. I may have just met her, but I knew with absolute confidence that she made everything brighter with her presence alone. In the less than twelve hours since she’d moved in, and I already felt that she would impact my life for the better.
Her voice was a hushed whisper when she replied, “Thank you.”
She needed to know that she had not scared me off, but more than that, she deserved a warning to stay away. “I didn’t run off tonight because of your scar, and I hate that I might have made you think that, even for a moment. We all have scars, Charlotte, and I would never fault you for that. ”
A few moments of silence lapsed between us. I hoped my words were sinking in. I hoped she knew I was telling the truth. I wouldn’t admit that I’d left because she had me so worked up I was ready to burst, but I would not let her believe it had been her fault. If I could control myself, none of it would have happened.
She shifted uneasily; I assumed it was in anticipation of her next words, “The blonde… Is she your girlfriend?”
“Aly? No. She’s not.” I shook my head and took a deep breath. I did not want to elaborate on the state of my love life to this dazzling girl that seemed so innocent and pure, but I knew that the magnetism I felt toward her was not entirely one-sided, and she needed to know the truth.
“So you’re like… friends with benefits?”
“No. She’s not my friend, either. It’s just sex. And she isn’t... there are others. Not just her.” I had never, before that moment, been embarrassed by my sex life. But in Charlotte’s presence, I felt completely mortified. I didn’t deserve to be so near to her, let alone to be the object
of any desire from her. My actions tonight made me too dirty to be sitting on her soft bedding, to touch her satin skin.
“I don’t want to be an ass, or anything, but that’s the reality of it. You deserve to know that now, before you get any false ideas about an ‘us’ that should not exist.” I took a deep breath. “You are so brilliant, and sweet, and mind-blowingly gorgeous, and you deserve someone that can treat you like the treasure that you are. I want nothing more than to be close to you, to be your friend, if you’ll let me. But I don’t want you to think for a minute that I could be worthy of you. It’s just not true.”
There it was, all on the table for her. She was too smart to ignore the warning when I gave it to her myself. As badly as I already wanted her, I knew that this was for the best. She didn’t need me in her life that way.
“I’m sorry, about everything. But you needed to know. I’ll get out of your way and let you relax.” I stood, and her wide eyes followed me. “I had a great night, Charlotte. Thank you for the dance. You should get some sleep; it’s been a long day.” I couldn’t control myself; I reached down to her hand that lay atop the sheet at her. I placed a feather-light kiss on the back of it, a sign that I wanted to treat her with proper respect. To do that, I had to walk away. “Goodnight, Charlotte.”
Come dawn, all I really wanted was to go running. A morning run had become habitual for me over the last couple of years. It started while I was an undergraduate. I had taken to morning walks along Lake Michigan to clear my head when I was stressed. The walks became a daily occurrence, and on one particularly bad morning, I decided I needed more intense activity to really let loose. I found that the exertion gave me time to escape my troubles and just sweat to the music. Sitting in my room after my long and tumultuous night with Logan, all I wanted was to escape. I did not know Seattle well enough yet to go running alone. I was not sure where there was a descent park nearby, and if I just ran in the neighborhood, I wasn’t confident that I would be able to find my way back.
I settled on an hour of sunrise yoga instead. It never relaxed me quite as much as hitting the pavement for a few miles did, but it was better than sitting restlessly in bed. Since it was a nice morning, I decided to do it on the balcony. It surprised me how pliant my muscles were after a long night of drinking and dancing in heels, but the positions came easily enough.
An hour was all it took to make each breath come easier into my lungs. With my center back in place, I realized just how much anxiety and stress had built up. My head was still a little hazy, but alcohol will do that to you. I felt far more prepared to face Logan again, at least.
Or so I thought.
Perhaps it was the surprise of how soon I was facing him, or my mistake of underestimating his incredible looks again, but when I came back inside and found myself face-to-face with him, I was shell-shocked. He stood in the kitchen holding a mug, and the smell of coffee permeated through the space. Still shirtless, he leaned forward against the island, not hiding the fact that he had probably been watching me for a while.
I tried to appear unaffected. “Good morning.”
“That it is,” he replied with a slight smirk. “Is this part of your normal morning routine? If so, early mornings might be easier to face.”
His flirting made it that much harder to reign in my confusion. My brain attempted to plow through the overwhelming mess, anyway. All I could conclude was that Logan had me all messed up. Last night he had made it very clear that nothing would happen between us, and yet there he was blatantly flirting with me before we even had breakfast.
“Usually, I run. Yoga is more of a secondary thing.”
“Well, by all means, feel free to do yoga around here anytime, particularly if that is what you usually wear. Though, if it is, I may have to put up a screen so the neighbors don’t get the view, too.” His grin was devilish and incredibly enticing. It made me feel far less self-conscious about my sports bra and tight shorts. Typically, I would be far too shy to be seen in so little, but Logan’s unabashed approval of my appearance made me feel sexy. It was an unfamiliar and powerful feeling.
I approached the island and sat on one of the stools across from him. “Coffee?”
“Yeah,” he said, lifting his cup in a mock toast before taking a drink. “I just turned on that electric kettle of yours. Eli said you usually go for tea in the morning.”
Eyeing the kettle that was already up to heat for me, I moved around the island to the cabinet where my teas had been unpacked. I measured some English Breakfast into my small ceramic teapot and poured in the steaming water. While it steeped, I grabbed a cup and turned to Logan. “You wouldn’t happen to have cream would you?”
“Oh, yeah,” he said, instantly moving to the fridge.
I prepared a cup, lightening the brown-grey liquid with a splash of cream, before returning to my stool.
“My mom liked to have tea at least once a day when I was growing up,” Logan told me. “I never really got the taste for it.”
In truth, I found him far more attractive standing around in the kitchen like that having a normal conversation, or the night before when we’d chatted like friends over Chinese, than I did any other way. Relaxed and at home Logan was more alluring to me than the variable sex god I had danced with the night before. Don’t get me wrong, the serious amounts heated desire he could draw from me were unparalleled, but it made me uneasy. I was far more comfortable with him when we both just relaxed.
Of course, it was simpler for me to be at ease when I knew I couldn’t land him. There was nothing to be nervous about when he flat-out told me that he was not going to end up with me. No, he has relationship hang-ups that have nothing to do with you. It had been the same all night, having to continually remind myself that the issue was not me. It was an old habit that I found nearly impossible to break.
Logan broke my train of thought. “Do you have plans today?”
“I’m supposed to go to Eli’s. See their place. Knowing Alex, she’s probably going to want to drag me out somewhere tonight,” I sighed a bit melodramatically. “But, if I indulge her now, she won’t be as much of a nightmare once I’m working and say no.”
“I can take you over there if you want.”
“That would be great. It’ll be a few days before I get a handle on the transit system here.”
“Transit?” he asked, clearly unhappy with my transportation choice.
“It’s convenient. That’s how I got everywhere in Chicago.”
“It’s gross, loud, unreliable, and God only knows who might be on it.”
“You sound so uppity right now,” I said, only half teasing.
He rolled his eyes at me. “I’ll drive you wherever you need to go. Just stay off the damn bus.”
“Okay,” I conceded. I wasn’t sure why I was doing anything to accommodate his weird issue with public transit, but I got the distinct impression that it would be a bigger headache if I didn’t. “I’m going to shower.”
“Alright. I’ll be ready whenever you want to go.”
With a nod, I stood to put my cup in the sink, but Logan reached out to take it from me.
“You don’t have to do things for me. You make me feel like a guest,” I explained. “I live here, we’re roommates; I can clean my own messes.”
“My mother raised me to be a gentleman. I’m already closer to the sink, and I need to clean mine anyway. I’ll take care of it.”
I eyed him, wanting to remark that fucking women that one barely knows and has no intention of being with is hardly gentlemanly behavior. Instead, I swallowed my pride and my catty remark. He did not have to let me live here, he wasn’t charging me rent when he rightfully could, and now he was saving me the trouble of cleaning up my cup. What had I done in return? I’d spent all night judging him for having sex with another consenting adult in his own home, for making choices he had every right to make, and made him feel he had to apologize and warn me off because I was somehow superior to him. I was being self-righ
teous and it made me sick.
Without thinking it through, without considering if it would be awkward, I moved around the island and wrapped my arms around him. He seemed hesitant to hug me back, and it was not until his hands rested on the exposed skin of my back that I realized why. In the course of our conversation, it had slipped my mind that I was still in my rather skimpy workout clothes. For an instant, I thought about recoiling, but I realized how strangely comfortable I was with his hands on my skin. Even dressed the way that I was, I was at ease with being close to him.
"I'm sorry," I said, pulling back from him. It struck me how deeply I felt the absence of his arms around me. "Thank you for being so nice to me."
He seemed like he was still surprised by what was happening, but he quickly shifted to a grin. "I'm a pain in the ass to live with. I know that, so I'm trying to be... less so."
Retreating to my room to shower, I felt as though he was still watching me. When I peeked through the corner of my eye, I was sure I saw him adjust himself through his jeans. My face heated, but a small grin spread across my face at the sight.
Eli lived about thirty minutes away in North Queen Anne. As expected, he was lounging in a t-shirt and basketball shorts when we arrived. Alex, done up as always, immediately swept Charlotte into a tour of their third-floor walk-up. The apartment was a nice space. From the moment I had first seen it, I thought it was incredibly welcoming. The walls housed several framed copies of old concert posters. The couches were a plush light grey, which contrasted with the dark brown entertainment center and coffee table. Candles and flowers were scattered throughout the space. It was a well executed balance of masculine and feminine, and it was warm, just as Alex wanted it.
Alex and I had never had any in-depth conversations about the past, but over the last few years, I came to grasp some pieces of her story. She’d had a rough upbringing, one she didn’t feel the need to talk about often. Despite the issues in her past, she was naturally caring and nurturing to everyone around her. The type of person that was fiercely committed to the people she cares about. She was admittedly extremely attractive, which I gathered had not helped her situation. Still, despite any struggle she had, she was one of the most personable people I had ever known. It was, besides her obvious skill in the area, very important for her as a beautician.
