by Kate Stacy
I squeeze my eyes shut tighter. He reaches over, wiping the salty drops from my cheeks.
“You didn’t see his face, baby girl. He has no idea what’s going on. Not a single clue why you won’t let him in. Won’t let him comfort you. He blames himself for you being here, ya know? Now you blame him too?”
“Yes. He should feel guilty.” My eyes finally open, only to find my brother’s filled with disappointment.
“You’re hurt, physically and emotionally, but it’s not fair to assign blame to him, especially when he doesn’t know—”
“But—” I try to cut in.
“No, Madalyn. Listen to me.” The sharpness in his tone leaves no room for argument. “I know you. I know Jaxson. You two are better together, always have been. I forced him to leave because it’s what you want. What you think you need right now. That doesn’t mean I agree with your decision. I love you, but I think you’re making a big mistake. You’re going to regret this.”
Holden. Always the voice of reason. Never one to mince his words, even though his tone has softened some. My eyes dart to my parents, sitting silently in the corner of the room. I’m surprised they have nothing to say.
“Look at me.”
His demanding tone forces my eyes to his again.
“It wasn’t fair of you to ask me to do that, but I did without question because you’re my baby sister and I’ll do anything for you. I’m just trying to understand where your head is at. You’ve always leaned on Jax. Now you’re pushing him away at a time when you need him the most. I don’t get it. Please. Help me understand.”
He’s pleading now, eyes glistening. I’ve brought my big, bad brother to tears.
“Holden, maybe you should give her some room to breathe…” Oh, now my mom has something to say. She offers a gentle smile when I glance at her again. That’s better than the looks of pity I’ve gotten since I arrived at this godforsaken place. Family. Nurses. Doctors. Everyone with pity in their eyes. Everyone feeling sorry for me.
“No, mom. It’s okay. He’s right.”
He deserves to know. Jaxson is his friend and I just put him between the two of us, likely ruining their friendship.
“I wasn’t feeling well, for obvious reasons that I hadn’t shared with him yet. I didn’t want to go to the party, but Jax insisted. He already told everyone we’d be there, so it would be rude not to show up. He promised we wouldn’t stay long. Promised, Holden.” I pause, taking a deep, calming breath. “After a couple of hours, I lost my patience. I finally convinced him to leave, but not without argument. If we had left earlier, or never gone...we wouldn’t have been on that road. That car wouldn’t have had the chance to hit us. He should have listened to me. I wouldn’t have—”
Emotion takes over, choking me up. I can’t finish. I can’t bring myself to speak the words. Those awful fucking words that repeat over and over inside my head.
Holden gently slides me over, climbing into the hospital bed. Without speaking, he wraps his arms around me and tucks my head under his chin. He rocks me back and forth as I let out all of the tears I’ve been trying to hold back. My brother, my protector.
I faintly hear the door open again, the sounds of my sisters’ voices cause me to look up. They take in the scene, eyes glassy, before coming over to wrap their arms around us.
In my heart, I know I’m blessed to have such a close relationship with my siblings. They dropped everything to be here by my side. I can’t find it within myself to care right now. I’m numb. Their whispered apologies and sympathy are useless. They don’t make me feel better. They can’t change the events of this night. They only remind me of everything I’ve lost. I’m hollow.
The tears finally slow and we untangle from each other. I remain silent. I wouldn’t even know what to say. My dad makes his way over to sit on the edge of the bed. He tries to talk to me, but his words sound distorted. I hear the hushed whispers of my mom and siblings across the room. When my mind focuses, I realize that they’re discussing Jaxson. I turn away. I close my eyes, pretend to sleep. Maybe they’ll leave it alone.
Soft footsteps make their way around the bed. A hand gently pushes my hair from my face, but I remain still. I try to keep my breath steady, but I know I’m not fooling anyone. Especially when my sister speaks.
“I know you’re not asleep. Starlight.”
God, that nickname.
When we were little girls, we used special nicknames for each other. Starlight, Starbright, and Starshine. None of us have used them in years.
I groan and my eyes roll behind their lids, causing Camille to laugh.
“That’s what I thought. Please, talk to me.”
Opening my eyes, I look at my sister and take in the almost-mirror image of myself. I glance behind her, knowing that Presley is watching us. The only real difference between the three of us is our hair. Naturally, it’s a light, golden brown, but several months ago, Camille decided we needed a change. An easier way for people to tell us apart. Presley and I had no problem going along with it, so I bleached my hair and colored it a light, silverish-gray. Presley’s is a gorgeous rose-gold color. Cami chose a deep, midnight blue. Complete opposite of our lighter choices.
I realize my mind wandered and I still haven’t spoken. I’m such a fucking mess. But Camille can’t be ignored. Not when she stands before me with a look in her eyes telling me that she hurts deeply for me.
“What do you want me to say, Cami?”
“I want you to open up. Tell me what you’re feeling. It’s not healthy to keep this all inside.”
“It’s too soon. Hurts too much. I’ll talk when I’m ready.”
“Is that why you sent Jaxson away? Because it’s too soon?” Her voice has taken on a hard edge.
My frustration reveals itself in the form of a growl.
“I don’t want to talk about this. That was my choice. The reasons don’t matter. I really wish everyone would stop questioning my decision. I’ve done that enough on my own.”
“So, you did question it.” It’s not a question. “At least there’s that.”
She looks at me pointedly, brow raised. “That alone should tell you that you probably didn’t make the right decision.”
“It was my decision to make!” I shout, not caring who can hear me. I already know I made the wrong choice, but it’s done. I won’t take it back because it’s better this way. It won’t matter soon.
“I couldn’t stand looking at him. It’s a constant reminder and I don’t want that right now. I don’t want to be reminded.”
Camille takes a step back, shaking her head in disappointment.
“I know you’re hurting, but you’re being so fucking selfish right now. Jaxson loves you. More than anything in this world, he loves you. He always puts you first. Always protects you. I would give anything to have a guy worship me the way he does you...and here you are...throwing it all away! You don’t deserve him. I can’t believe you haven’t told him. This isn’t just about you. He has the right to know! And putting Holden in the middle? What were you thinking? I can’t believe you. It’s like I don’t even know who you are.” She scoffs. “Call me when you remove your head from your ass.”
She turns, storming from the room. The door slams behind her.
I look around the room to the rest of my family.
“Anyone else feel the same?”
I meet every single set of eyes, so they can see the gravity of what I’m about to say.
“You’re my family and I love you, but if you can’t support me and my choices...you can follow her out the door.”
No one speaks. No one moves.
My parents remain in their seats in the corner. I’m not sure they know how to handle this situation any more than I do. Holden stands by the window, eyes boring through me. He knows. Aware that I’m barely holding it together. That my anger is just a shield to protect me. His lips press into a firm line, but he remains silent. He wants to call me out on my bullshit, but he won’t give me
a reason to make him leave. He won’t be the one to cause me to break. Not after the venom that spewed from Camille’s lips. I look to Presley. Calm, quiet Presley. The corner of her mouth tips to a small, comforting smile. She won’t judge me.
I have their attention, so there’s no better time than the present to drop another bomb.
“I’m really grateful you’re all here for me. I am. I’m gonna need some time to deal with this in my own way. Time to heal. I wasn’t planning on saying anything because my decision was made, but things have changed. I was accepted into the culinary program at a school in Charlotte. After everything that’s happened today—I think it’s exactly what I need.”
Mom stands quickly, coming to my side. “I’m so proud of you, honey. I’ll support whatever you want to do. You’re going to go?”
I nod, eyes watering again. “I think I should.”
Holden takes the opportunity to voice his concern.
“Are you sure you’re ready for that? You’re really going to leave? I’m not sure you should make that decision. You’re not in the frame of mind to be rational right now, baby girl.”
“Maybe I’m being irrational, but it doesn’t matter. This is what I need. To leave town. Leave him in order to heal. I can’t do that here.”
His eyes close as he sighs. I can only imagine the thoughts running through his head. He’s always looked out for the three of us, so the fact that there’s nothing he can do—that he can’t take away my pain—it must me killing him.
“Are you going to tell him?”
Jaxson. It always comes back to him. This is exactly why I have to go. I can’t stay in this town, knowing that I’ll see him. Everywhere I turn I’ll be reminded of the years we spent together. He’s intertwined in my entire life. So deeply twisted in my roots that leaving town is the only way.
I shake my head. “No, I’m not. Neither will you. I don’t want him to know where I’m going. It needs to be a clean break. No contact. It’s the best way. For both of us.”
“Mads…”
“Holden, please. I know I’m asking a lot from you. I know he’s your friend. You don’t agree with what I’m doing. I understand all of that, but I need it to be this way, please.”
He gives me a clipped nod. “As you wish, baby sister. I won’t tell him where you’re going.”
I can see the tension in his face. He wants to say more, but not at the risk of upsetting me. For the moment, I’m glad he’s treating me like I might shatter at any moment. I’ll tire of it, I’m sure, but I’ll be long gone before that happens.
“Thank you. I love you, big brother.”
“I love you too, Mads. Never doubt it.”
I grace him with a small smile. It’s all I can manage. Exhaustion takes over, so when a yawn slips out, everyone excuses themselves—except Holden. He’s not leaving my side unless I force him. Maybe not even then. I don’t mind him staying. I want to soak up the small bit of comfort his presence provides while I still can.
Once I leave town, I’ll be on my own. I’ve never been alone in my entire life. Always surrounded by family and friends. It’s something I’ll have to live without—comfort and familiarity. It’s not the only thing that’ll be missing from my life. Starting over away from this small town is the best chance I’ve got at healing from this.
Too bad you can’t run from memories and regrets.
This day might be the death of me.
It might shatter the remaining pieces of my already broken heart.
You won’t find my name on the guest list. I guess you could say I’m crashing, because I wasn’t invited. I shouldn’t be here.
Hell, I’m the last person that should be standing at the back of this church, hidden in the shadows, out of sight. Yet, here I am.
It’s torture, waiting here to watch the love of my life walk down the aisle. Waiting to see if she’s really going to go through with this. The man standing at the altar? He doesn’t belong there. He’s not good enough for her. No man is good enough for her—not even me. Doesn’t change the facts. It should be me standing in his place.
If this is truly the end of us...I have to see it for myself. No matter how much it hurts. I have to hear the words, “I do” come from her beautiful lips. Oh, it’s going to destroy me completely, but maybe that’s what it’ll take for me to be able to let her go. To be able to move on.
It’s not what I want. Not at all. What I want hasn’t mattered for the last two years. Not since the day she walked away from me without a word.
A throat clearing forces me to stop staring at the man standing in my place.
I look to my left to find Holden standing beside me, watching me with a curious expression.
“You really gonna do this to yourself, man?”
I answer with clipped words, “Have to.”
I look around the spacious chapel.
Rows and rows of her family and friends sit, waiting for her to appear through the doors. Oddly, I don’t see anyone here for him. I recognize every single person inside this church. Does he not have any family? Relatives? Friends? How odd.
Several people are watching me, looks of pity in their eyes. Others are curious, surely wondering what I’m doing here. Guess I’m not as out of sight as I thought.
Holden and I keep our conversation hushed. We might be seen, but I’d really rather not be heard. In this small town, people talk. I’ve been the subject of the gossip mill for far too long.
“Jax, it’s her wedding day. This has to be killing you, I know that. But I gotta ask you not to do anything to ruin this for her.”
I lower my head, turning it slightly to look at him from the corner of my eye.
“Was never my intention.”
His expression speaks the words he doesn’t—he doesn’t believe me.
Shame. Would think one of my best friends would know me better than that. I’d never do anything to intentionally hurt Madalyn.
“You have my word, Holden. It’s one of the few things I have left. If this...if he is what she wants—what will make her happy—I’ll walk out of this church without a word.” I almost choke on those syllables. It’s a hard thing to say, even though I mean it with every fiber of my being. “I won’t get in the way of her happiness. That’s all I have ever wanted for her—to be happy. She deserves that much.”
His head tilts as he judges the truth in my words. I’m nothing but honest. As soon as he realizes it—he nods, letting out a sigh of relief.
“You deserve to be happy too.”
“Yeah, well...my happiness is about to walk down the aisle to marry another man.”
“So, I’ll ask again. You really gonna do this to yourself?”
“I need this closure.” I sigh, looking at the asshole at the altar again.
I’m not sure what she sees in this guy.
He looks like a tool standing there. Black tux hanging loose on his thin frame, not quite fitting him right. On the short side for a guy. Dirty blonde hair. Slicked back, gelled to the point that it looks plastic. Toothpaste commercial smile.
He looks like one of those fake ass grooms that you see on the top of wedding cakes.
“Maybe this is what it’ll take. Maybe after this I’ll finally be able to move on. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve spent the last two years thinking that she was gonna come back to me.”
“I get it. I’m here for you, but you already know that.”
Holden squeezes my shoulder and shakes his head before walking away as the music begins to play.
He’s stuck between a rock and a hard place. Between his flesh and blood, and one of his best friends. I have to remind myself that I’m not the one that put him there—that’s not on me. I can’t imagine it’s a good place to be, not that my current position is any better.
Standing at the back of this church. Hands balled into fists at my sides. Entire body taut with tension. Teeth gritted. Waiting.
Internally battling with myself because part of me wants
to hightail it out of this church right now. But no. I have to see this through. I have to be here to witness the moment when all hope is lost.
Until then, I wait.
I watch as Madalyn’s sisters walk down the aisle, one at a time. Camille first. Presley close behind. Both look beautiful in their light pink dresses.
The music changes. It’s time.
I suck in a deep breath, holding it as my fingernails dig into my palms and my body vibrates with unspent tension.
And there she is.
A vision in white on the arm of her father.
My love. My heart. My soul.
My fucking everything.
Such a magnificent sight. She steals the breath from my lungs.
Step by step, she slowly makes her way down the aisle. Dazzling green eyes glistening with tears. Beautiful smile across her painted lips. My eyes stay locked on her the entire time.
Her father leans in when they reach the front of the church to whisper something in her ear. She nods, smiling brighter. With a kiss to her cheek, he gives her away. I release my breath, but my lungs won’t draw in air.
Madalyn turns to him, gracing him with that radiant smile once reserved for only me. She takes his hand and they turn to the minister. My heartbeat stutters.
I die a little inside as the ceremony begins. Every word spoken. Every second that passes. Absolute torture. They exchange vows. My heart splinters when she promises to love, cherish, honor, and obey him until death.
When they’re pronounced husband and wife, I start to lose my composure. The kiss is my breaking point.
The moment that his lips touch hers…
That moment.
My soul...it fucking shatters.
Done. I’m done.
I’ve seen all that I needed to see.
(Two years ago)
Denied, again.
I’ve tried every day, for three days, to see Madalyn.
This time they were nice enough to let me know she’s been discharged. I’m sure they only told me so I’d stop going up there. They’re probably beyond tired of seeing my face. I get it. I’m glad I won’t have to see their looks of pity. Those never stopped. At least they didn’t threaten to call security on me after that first day.
