by Kate Stacy
Something must show in my expression because Holden’s brows furrow and he asks me what’s wrong.
“Nothing. It’s been a long day and I’m ready to get home,” I lie.
Fighting the jackhammer attempting to break through my skull, I manage to pull myself out of bed and wonder if this shit’s really worth it.
As I pull on some boxers, I look at the girl in my bed.
She’s the same as all the others. Girls eager to screw a hot bartender. They don’t give a fuck about me. It’s mutual. I don’t ask their names; I won’t remember their faces. The alcohol guarantees that. I barely remember getting off at all.
Last night’s memories are hazy at best.
No, definitely not worth it.
Guilt starts to set in—misplaced as it may be—and I know that I can’t keep doing this shit. It doesn’t help. I shouldn’t feel guilty. I’m not doing anything wrong. I still can’t help feeling like I’m doing something I shouldn’t. Like I’m cheating on Madalyn. Betraying her in some way. Impossible—I know—seeing as how we haven’t been together for a long time now.
My heart doesn’t care. It will always belong to her.
Sitting at the end of the bed, I hang my head and look at my hands.
These hands can’t touch another female without me thinking about Madalyn. Wishing it was her skin beneath my fingertips. Her body writhing beneath my touch.
Fuck. Will these feelings ever go away?
Two and a half years and she still has this hold on me.
What will it take for me to be able to move on?
Frustrated, I run my hand through my hair, tugging at the ends.
Lost in my head, I hadn’t realized last night’s hookup was awake. Her hands trail down the muscles in my back, but her touch feels wrong. Pulling away, I stand quickly, grab some clothes, and head for the bathroom.
“Last night was fun, Sugar, but it’s over. You need to be gone by the time I finish my shower.”
Not sparing her another glance, I close the bathroom door right before something hits it with a thud.
I’m an asshole, but I can’t find it in me this morning to give a fuck.
The apartment is empty by the time I’ve showered and dressed.
Following my normal routine, I clean up the apartment and head out. Normally I head home to nap and sleep off my hangover. Sometimes I go grab food or hang out with the guys. But I have a different destination in mind today.
The Sweet Spot.
I’m a glutton for punishment. Tell me something I don’t know.
I just need to see her. A single glimpse. That’s all.
Not wanting to bother with my truck, I decide to walk the few blocks to the bakery. The fresh air might do me some good, might help shake off the lingering effects of my hangover.
It only takes a few minutes to get there. When I do, I walk right in. To hell with pretenses. I want to see her, so I will. I don’t care if she ignores me, but I won’t hide in the shadows like a stalker. Her family was once my family too. I promised Grams I wouldn’t stay away.
The bakery is starting to slow down after the morning rush.
Grams is nowhere to be found. Neither is Madalyn.
There’s a new face behind the counter today. A face I don’t recognize at all.
She’s obviously a new hire, but I’m pretty sure she’s new to town as well. I’d remember her face had I seen it before. She’s beautiful, a short little brunette with killer curves. I’d bet money that Holden has tried to hook up with her.
Grinning at the thought, I step up to the counter and introduce myself.
“Morning, sweetheart. I’m Jaxson. Is Grams around?”
She returns my smile, “She had to step out for a few minutes, but she should be back soon. I can tell her you stopped by, if you’d like?”
“I think I’ll wait. Can I get a large coffee and two muffins, please...?” I trail off, waiting for her name.
“Hailee,” she says with a polite smile. “What flavors do you want?”
“Surprise me.”
With a small laugh and a shake of her head, she turns to get my coffee. It’s not until now that I notice the way her shirt stretches across her tiny stomach. She’s obviously pregnant and while I know it can be seen as rude to ask, I don’t let it stop me.
“Congratulations. How far along are you?”
Looking back over her shoulder, she says, “Not far enough.”
I chuckle, letting it go because despite her polite smiles, it’s obvious she’d rather not get personal.
She hands me the steaming cup of coffee and a plate with two muffins. Taking both, I thank her and go make myself comfortable at Grams’ favorite table in the back. I laugh to myself when I notice the muffins she gave me. Both are pumpkin spice.
Makes me wonder if Grams has shared my secret. Not likely, given the fact that the new girl is watching me like a hawk. I’m sure she did it as a joke. Give the big, tattooed guy the official favorite of basic white girls everywhere to see how he reacts. Joke’s on her. I love these fuckin’ things.
Looking directly at her, I remove the paper from one of the muffins and take a huge bite, winking at her as I chew. Her cheeks flame and she turns away, busying herself with something behind the counter. Smiling to myself, I chuckle and take another bite. This bite doesn’t go down so easily because a hand connects with the back of my head.
“Jaxson Jameson Blackwood, I sure as hell hope you aren’t sitting in my bakery flirting with my new baker!”
I look up to find Grams giving me a look that would scare the Devil himself.
“Never, Grams. You know there’s only one girl for me. I’d never disrespect her like that.”
Her expression softens and she joins me at the table.
“I love my granddaughter, but she’s a damn fool,” she mutters.
Not wanting to get into that particular topic, I ignore her comment and tell her about Hailee’s low-key sass.
“Pretty sure your new baker tried to be funny, but it backfired. I told her to surprise me and she gave me two pumpkin spice muffins.”
A sly smile crosses her face. “I knew that one had some sass hidden behind that shy personality. Maybe she’ll eventually come out of her shell. I bet she’s a real spitfire.”
“I’m sure you’re right.”
Grams has always been a good judge of character. She either likes someone or she doesn’t. Those she likes, she treats like family. I have a feeling that she’s already placed Hailee into that category, just as she did with me a long time ago.
“You finally decide to stop avoiding this place?”
“I promised I’d come in more, didn’t I?”
“You sure as shit did, but that was two months ago, and I haven’t seen you since.”
“I don’t want to make things any more difficult.”
“For you, or her?” she asks, already knowing the answer.
She sees right through me. Always has. Grams isn’t about bullshit, so she’ll always give it to you straight.
Huffing out a breath, I tell her what’s on my mind. “Is it ever going to get any better? Any easier? I swear, Grams. I can’t go a day without thinking of her. She doesn’t think of me at all anymore, but I can’t get her out of my head. That’s why I came here. She was on my mind all morning and I just wanted to see her. Even for a second. I’ve tried to move on, but it’s impossible when she’s the only one I want. It still feels wrong to think of being with someone else when my heart still belongs to her.”
With glistening eyes and a soft smile, she reaches across the table and takes my hand.
“I’m gonna let you in on a little secret, okay? Madalyn thinks of you more often than she’d like anyone to believe.”
The crease in my brows gives away my confusion.
“Did she—”
“No, but I know my granddaughter. The love she has for you is still in there somewhere. It’s just buried beneath the hurt and pain she was never ab
le to let go. Madalyn left too many things unresolved when she left town.”
“Maybe things would have been easier if we’d gotten closure. But she moved on easily enough.”
Grams stands, moving to wrap her arms around me. As she leans in, she whispers something that leaves me wondering.
“Things aren’t always what they appear to be, Jaxson. Remember that.”
“Baby girl! What the hell happened?”
Holden rushes into the room, not stopping until he’s at my side. Panting heavily, he starts looking me over, not giving me a chance to answer his barrage of questions. “Why are you here alone? How did you get here? Where’s David?”
He’s panicked. And worried. So worried. This is exactly what I didn’t want. The reason I didn’t call anyone.
“Relax, Holden. I’m fine. Take a minute to breathe and I’ll answer your questions.”
I don’t get the chance to give him the answers. The doctor comes in with my x-rays in his hands.
“It’s definitely broken, Mrs. Sterling.” He looks up, noticing the new person in the room and moves to shake Holden’s hand. “Hello, I’m Dr. Stephens.”
“Holden. Madalyn’s brother.”
“Ah, yes. I’m glad the nurses were able to get ahold of you.”
“You called him?” I ask.
“I’m your emergency contact, sis.”
Well, shit. I guess I screwed myself with that one. I’ve never had anything changed. Not even my last name. Not legally. I’m not sure anyone even realizes that, not even David. That would require him to actually be home and pay attention to me.
Dr. Stephens clears his throat. Holding up one of the x-ray images, he points to a specific area. “Your arm is fractured here, but it’s a clean break. We should be able to set it and cast it without surgery, which is good news. How’s your pain level?”
“Only about a two right now. Whatever medicine the nurse gave me is starting to kick in.”
“Good. We’re going to give you a local anesthesia, so you shouldn’t feel any pain while we reset the bone. After that, we’ll splint your arm and go for another round of x-rays. If everything looks good, I’ll go ahead and cast it today and you’ll be able to go home. Any questions?”
The pain medicine isn’t letting me think clearly, so I can’t come up with anything to ask. I’ve never broken a bone before, but it all seems pretty straightforward.
“Not that I can think of,” I answer honestly.
“Perfect. I’ll be back shortly, and we’ll get you fixed up.”
“Thank you.”
I close my eyes, exhausted from the effects of the medicine and the stress of the day.
Lips touch my forehead and Holden tells me he’ll be back in a few minutes. In the back of my mind, I know that I still haven’t given him any explanation as to what happened. I’ll have to give him answers eventually, but I’ll put it off while I can.
I don’t want to lie to him. But I can’t tell him the truth.
I wake sometime later when the doctor comes back into the room, a nurse following close behind. Holden is sitting in the uncomfortable looking chair beside my bed. His expression is almost unreadable. I can’t tell what he’s thinking, but whatever it is has him looking worried, sad, and angry, all at the same time. I smile, trying to lessen his worry, but his expression doesn’t change.
By the time the doctor is finished setting and splinting my arm, Holden still hasn’t said a word. He’s asked to step outside while they take another x-ray, and he’s just as quiet when he returns. Dr. Stephens and the nurse—whose name I can’t remember—excuse themselves, promising to return shortly.
As soon as they’re gone, I turn to Holden to tell him what happened. The lies spill from my lips easily as I give him the same simple story I gave the doctor and nurses. I tripped coming down the stairs and my arm smacked against the railing on the way down. I couldn’t get ahold of David because he’s at work, so I drove myself to the emergency room.
The last part is the only truth.
I don’t tell him that David lost his temper. Grabbed my arms so hard I can feel the bruising down to my bones. Threw me down the stairs because for some reason he still thinks I’m unfaithful. How he continued to yell at me while I held my arm and cried in agony from the pain. After all that, he walked away like nothing happened. Got in his car and drove away. Left me lying there, bruised and broken.
No, Holden can’t know. I can’t tell him that David has hit me more than once. Left me with scars so deep I fear they’ll never heal. Every day I walk on glass, afraid something I do will set him off. And the worst part? I feel like I deserve it.
So I keep my lips sealed tightly. I lie and I deny while I pay my penance for the mistakes I’ve made. My selfish choices got me to where I am today, so I live in the hell I’ve created for myself while I suffer in silence.
“Mads?” His voice snaps me out of my thoughts. “You trailed off. You okay?”
Quickly blinking back tears before he sees them, I offer him a smile with a side of excuses. “Yeah, sorry. The medicine they gave me is messing with my head, I think. My arm still hurts a bit.”
Fiddling with a frayed string on the blanket beneath me, I look away, hiding my eyes from Holden. I hate lying, especially to him.
The bed shifts, and my big brother takes my hand.
“Baby girl, we need to talk.” He pauses, giving me a chance to look at him. I don’t. “I talked to the doctor while you were sleeping, Mads. I’m just gonna come out and say it. The doctor doesn’t think you fell down the stairs. He said there’s bruising on your arms that isn’t consistent with a fall like you described. He said he has his suspicions, and I definitely have some of my own, but the truth would be better coming from you. Can you please tell me what really happened?”
He reaches over, moving to lift the sleeve of my shirt. I pull away before he can. If Holden sees the bruising on my arms...it’s all over. He’ll know exactly what happened without me saying a word. He’ll end up in jail because he will literally kill David. I lie again. This time to protect my brother.
“I told you what happened, Holden. I was clumsy and fell down the stairs. It would be a miracle if I didn’t have bruises from that. I have no idea what the doctor is talking about.”
He watches me, silently scrutinizing my words and actions. I have to stop him from pushing this.
Giving him a sad little pout, I try to convince him. “You know I’d come to you if anything was wrong. My big, bad brother is always there when I need him.” Throwing in a wink and giggle for good measure, I nudge his shoulder with mine.
He lets out a hesitant laugh, then a heavy sigh. He scrubs his hand down his face and looks over at me again. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah, okay. If you’re sure there’s nothing you need to tell me, I’ll let it go. I am always here for you, though.”
He is always there for me, but it’s my turn to protect him. That’s exactly why I turn into his embrace, ignoring the need to wince when his arms tighten on my bruises. I wait for the doctor in the loving arms of my brother. The one place that still gives me a sense of safety.
Trying to bake with my arm in a cast is damn near impossible. I came into work early because I knew things were going to be more difficult, but I’ve had a lot more trouble than I thought.
Hailee comes in the door right as I make it to the front with the first tray of the morning.
“Good morning, Madalyn!” She says, coming around the counter. There’s an instant change in her composure when she sees me. “Oh! Here, let me help! What happened to your arm?”
“I’ve got it but thank you.” I set the tray on the counter and open the display case. “I’m surprised you haven’t heard. Rumors are already flying, and it hasn’t even been a full day.”
She rolls her eyes as she puts her things under the counter. “Did you forget I don’t know anyone? If I’m not here, I’m at home. Can’t hear rumors if I’m at home bei
ng antisocial.”
“True,” I say with a laugh. “Well, long story short—I fell down the stairs and hit my arm on the way down. I’ll be in a cast for at least six weeks.”
Hailee doesn’t respond, so I look over to see her gaze locked on my arm. My good arm. My sleeve has risen, so I know what she sees, and I can’t drop my arm fast enough to hide them.
“Hails.” —her eyes flicker to mine— “It’s not what you think.”
Her mouth opens and there’s a slight hesitation before she closes it again, taking her lower lip between her teeth.
“Seriously, It’s not a big dea—”
She interrupts, holding up her hand. “I know you haven’t known me long, and I won’t pretend to know what goes on in your life outside of this bakery. But I do know that those bruises aren’t from falling down the stairs.”
My lips part, an argument already forming.
“Nope, let me finish. Whatever you’re dealing with...you don’t deserve that,” she says, nodding toward my arm. “I’m in no position to judge, or lecture. I’m just saying that there’s never a reason for that to be acceptable. I’m here if you need to talk, and my door is always open if you need a safe place to stay.”
My eyes well with tears.
I’m so tired of fighting. Tired of dealing with everything on my own. But there’s no way I’ll put any of this on Hailee’s shoulders. Stress isn’t good for her, or the baby, and she has enough of her own crap to deal with. I won’t be an extra burden.
“Thanks, Hails. I’m glad to have you in my life.”
As the owners of Blackwood Brewhouse, Holden and I don’t work together often. We try to make sure one of us is always here, so we’re always here at different times. It’s Noah’s scheduled night off, and our other bartender, Zane, couldn’t come in because his little girl is sick.
So tonight, it’s Holden and I running this place and having a good time.
Nights like this remind me of the first few weeks we were open, back when it was still just the two of us. Those days, we spent practically every waking moment in the bar. He taught me everything he learned through the certification course he took. His instructor turned friend, James, stopped by a few times to help out.
