by Lila Rose
A week before my twenty-first birthday, he came home with his brother, Oscar. He walked through the front door and ordered me to take the children out for the day. His brother had always freaked me out; I never liked the way his eyes sought me out. The gleam in them told me he wanted to do bad things, but I was protected, just, because I was his brother’s wife.
I didn’t know what went down that day. They both seemed edgy, yet excited about something. Still, I listened and left with the children.
It was one week later.
One week later, on my twenty-first birthday, I fell out of love with my husband.
Even though he was acting strangely, even though he was moody day after day, I never, not ever, thought my heart could shatter in all but a moment.
And my love for him would die.
But it did.
It did because the night of my twenty-first birthday, I had the children minded by our neighbour, Mrs Cliff. She was a dear old soul and would do anything for a person. So the children went there for the night. I ran around the house in a tizzy, wanting to make everything perfect, because even though it was my birthday, I wanted it special for us. We hadn’t bedded one another for at least a month, and I was more than ready.
I dressed in a garter, panties and a sexy hot-pink corset. I remember smiling to myself that night. I was giddy with excitement and thrilled as I thought of what the night would hold.
I was going to get a bit, and my lady bits were crying with glee. “Bow-Chica-Wow-Wow” kept playing over and over in my head.
Until, that was, he came through the front door drunk.
Standing just inside the front door after hearing the loud pipes of his Harley coming down the street, the smile soon flew from my mouth once I saw him staggering.
He took one look at me through hazy eyes and slurred with a vicious voice, “Who in the fuck are you dressed up for?” He took another step in and slammed the door closed. “You expecting your lover to come here?”
“What? No,” I cried, annoyed he could even think that. I had only ever been with one man and that man was standing swaying slightly in front of me.
“Bullshit,” he spat. He advanced toward me with hatred in his eyes, and for the first time, I backed away from my husband. “You look like a stupid, fat slut.”
“Tank, baby, I did this for you,” I said, pain lacing my voice. His words gutted me.
“Well, I don’t like my wife looking like the whores I fuck at the club.”
A tear ripped through my heart.
“Take it off, now!” he bellowed.
I didn’t even get a chance to move. He was on me in seconds and tore the clothes roughly from my body. I whimpered and cried as he hands groped hard, pulling all the clothes away.
“Fuck,” he hissed. “Even having you naked isn’t an improvement. Why in the hell did I marry such an ugly bird?”
My heart cracked open wider from his cruel words.
“Go and put your stupid fucking nightie on. Then I may fuck you. That’s if I can even get it up.”
“Please don’t talk to me like this,” I pleaded.
He got close, gripped my jaw in a tight squeeze and barked in my face, “I will talk to you how I want. I will do with you what I like. It’s time you learned how to act. You’re just a bitch I come home to, who keeps my house clean and takes care of my kids.”
“No,” I whispered to the ground. I closed my eyes and knew I couldn’t take it. I shouldn’t take it. With my left hand, I reached up, took hold of his wrist and pushed it from my face. I looked up, glared into his eyes and yelled, “No. You will not do this to me. To us. This isn’t you, Tank.”
He laughed without humour and slapped me across the face. “Learn your place, bitch. Never talk to me like that again and do as you’re fucking told.” With that, he shoved me to the ground and repeatedly planted his foot into my stomach, until I was spitting blood from my mouth. He leaned over and hit me twice more in the face. From there, he turned and walked toward the hall where our bedroom lay. Over his shoulder, he said, “Don’t bother coming to bed. I don’t want you in it. You deserve to sleep on the floor like the dog you are.”
I couldn’t have moved even if I tried.
That night I lay on the living room floor crying in agonising pain until I passed out.
But before I drifted into unconsciousness, I knew my heart bled more than what flowed from my mouth.
My heart was torn wide open, and from it, my love for the man I married poured out.
It flowed out leaving nothing but agony behind.
That was the day I fell out of love.
Some may think I was crazy to have stayed with him. Some would even understand why I did.
I had my own reasons.
And still, I never really understood them myself.
If I left, I would have lost so much: the house, the money, the safety.
They were ridiculous excuses.
The most ridiculous one was that I didn’t want to start over. I didn’t want to have to find another man, because what happened if I did and he was worse than Tank?
And really, I was a mother of two children…who would have wanted me?
So I stayed.
I stayed in hope that things would get better. That he would be the husband I knew he could be, had been. That he’d be the father that he could be and had been when Nary was born.
But he didn’t. He no longer was.
What also had me staying was because the next morning, when Tank came from the bedroom and spotted me naked, bruised and bloody on the floor, he swore and ran to me.
“Baby, fuck, baby. What happened? Who did this to you?”
He didn’t remember.
And when I whispered the words, “You.” I saw the pain in his eyes. I saw them widen in shock and regret filled him as everything he did came crashing into his mind.
Tears pooled in his eyes. He reached out to my face only to pull back and wince. “Fuck. Christ!” he yelled into the room. He got up from the floor dressed in only boxers and ran down the hall. He came back with a sheet and laid it over my cold body. “Please…fuck, baby. I didn’t mean it. I never meant anything I said or did. I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t stop myself. I was high, baby.”
“Hospital,” I managed to gasp out.
“Right, of course, fuck.”
He got me to the hospital; I had two broken ribs, a fractured cheekbone, and bruises all over. Of course, they questioned how it happened. I used what most women would use in that type of situation—I had fallen down some stairs. Without any witnesses, they couldn’t do anything but patch me up and release me.
Tank then went next-door and asked Mrs Cliff to have the children again. He told her I had fallen and hurt myself, and that he needed to take care of me. She did, because there wasn’t much Mrs Cliff wouldn’t do. She may have been a bit eccentric, but she was sweet, and she had a safe place for the children to stay.
After that day, Tank was different once again. He wasn’t his normal self, like he was when we met. He wasn’t that mean, cranky man either. Instead, he was quiet, cold and lifeless. I knew he regretted what he had done to me. Even though he didn’t say it, I saw the pain in his eyes, but I couldn’t come to forgive him, so I couldn’t reassure him.
We lived with each other and that was all.
Still, we slept in the same bed. Long gone were the light caresses, the touches of love. He slept on his side and me on mine.
We talked calmly to one another, but there were no smiles, no laughter and no love any longer between the two of us.
It had been like that until the day he died.
His body was discovered in bushland. A gunshot wound to the chest, which went straight through his heart. Someone had meant to kill him. I knew this; the police knew this, and I was sure his biker brothers knew this.
What we didn’t know was why.
Hope.
That was all I could do was hope that whatever and whoever had c
aused his death, didn’t find its way back to me, to the house and my children.
“Mum?”
Glancing over my shoulder from the front window, to Nary, my sixteen-year-old daughter, I smiled. She looked so much like me. Standing in the kitchen doorway, she had her mobile to her ear.
“Yes, honey?” I smiled.
Should I be smiling? I wasn’t sure. I was going crazy with thoughts of how I should act. What would a normal woman do if she lost her husband? I screwed up my face, causing Nary to raise her eyebrows at me. Damn, I just looked weird, so I wiped my face clear and waited to see what she wanted.
“Can I go to Mitch’s?”
Closing my eyes, I turned my head back to the window and took a deep breath. I knew the situation would need my full attention so I spun my whole body around. “No, honey. We just buried your dad. I think it’s good to stay home, yeah?”
She rolled her eyes. “It’s not like it’s that big a’ deal. He didn’t really care about us. Why should we care about him?” said the girl who cried her eyes out in the church.
“Nary, please, just stay home tonight.”
“Jesus Christ, Mum.”
“Nary!” I yelled. “Watch your mouth.” The little shit was getting attitude, just like I had at that age and I knew how much of a terrible teen I was, so that thought left me cringing.
She glared at me. “Whatever.” Then she spun around and said into the phone, “Sorry, Mitch, I have to stay home and pretend I cared about my loser father who treated us all like we were lepers.” She snorted. “The warden will let me out tomorrow.”
“No,” I called. She stomped back into the living room. “We’re going to see your father’s friends.”
“I’m not going,” she whined.
She had to. I wanted both Nary and Josh close to me in case anything did arise after their father’s death.
“You are, and I don’t want to hear more about it. You either do this or no phone for a month,” I said.
She gasped. “You wouldn’t.”
“I would, honey. You know this.”
“Why are you being so mean after we buried Dad?”
Oh, God.
Did she not see how funny her saying that was? When only moments ago she said she didn’t care.
I knew she did. She knew she did, and we both knew Josh did.
Tonight was for my children. We would reminisce on good times…even if they were few and far.
Chapter Three
Malinda
Standing out the front of a biker’s compound on a warm sunny day was not my favourite thing to do. Even being there wasn’t on my top one hundred things to do. Yet, there we were, and all I had to do was walk in there with my children and pretend everything was okay.
Instead, I wanted to pee myself.
Or throw up chunks.
However, I knew I could do this. I’d had many moments of acting, pretending everything was okay. And people who hardly knew me bought the act easily.
Still, something told me these people, the bikers’ women would be able to see through my act and want to help with the problems that lay beneath my fake.
Another reason I wanted to pee myself.
“Mum,” Josh whined. “Can we get this over and done with? I was playing an awesome game on the Xbox with Dave, and I want to get back to it.”
My brows drew together and I looked down at my boy. “How were you playing this game when Dave wasn’t at our house?”
Nary snorted. “Jesus, Mum, how dumb are you?”
Glaring at my daughter, I warned, “You use that language toward me one more time, Nary, you will be grounded,”
Josh took hold of my wrist and explained, “It’s wireless. We can join games over the net connection.”
“Oh,” I said and looked back to the compound.
It wasn’t what I expected a compound to look like. It was big, scary in a way, but clean, seeming safe. To the side of it was a mechanics business.
Why couldn’t I take that final step toward it and enter?
Because I was still scared. Hence, the peeing and chucking thoughts.
Tank had been a biker and he had warned me about other bikers. They were rough, loud and brutal. I had asked him why he joined. His explanation was because he felt he had a family in them when he didn’t have one when he was growing up.
Even though he had been a biker, to start with, he was nothing like he explained bikers to be; until that was, he changed to this club.
Another reason I was apprehensive to enter.
I was worried I’d find something out and want to cut any mothertrucker who ended what had been a blissful marriage and changed it to hell on earth.
Though, what I couldn’t understand was how could this biker club, the club that drove my husband to the mean man he had been, allowed the likes of Julian around?
It had been interesting meeting Zara, Deanna, Clary and Ivy. They tried to get me to warm to them, but having their men watching from a distance had my back up. I thought it was some trick for some stupid reason, so I didn’t want to trust them. They had seemed nice enough…Deanna, I wasn’t too sure of though; her potty mouth was less to be desired in front of my children. Even if I swore under my breath or in my head just as much.
So then, when Julian had come strolling on up, it became even more interesting. He’d made Josh and Nary laugh, even on a day that held misery, and I was thankful for that. From the first second he was in our presence, I was comfortable around him while he talked about nonsense. Then he told me he was a part of the gang of bikers. I was shocked to say the least.
The question that played on my mind was if having Julian as a comfort blanket was going to be enough to walk into a biker’s compound when I swore black and blue that I would never step foot in one?
Nope, it wasn’t.
I couldn’t do it. If that made me a chicken, then so be it.
“Um…I think we should go,” I started to say when someone from behind called out, “Hi.” I turned around, as did Josh and Nary to see a handsome man, about twenty-one or two, walk across the road.
“Hi,” I said back cautiously.
He came to a stop beside us and smiled. “Are you Malinda?”
My eyes widened in surprise. “Yes.” Was he a clairvoyant?
“I’m Mattie. My partner told me you were coming today. He’s already in there.”
Oh. “He?” I asked.
“Yeah.” He grinned. “Julian, I believe you met him yesterday.”
That time I smiled. “Yes, he, um, invited us here today.”
“Great, then what are you doing out here?” he asked, shifting from one foot to another.
“I…ah, I—”
“They’re a good group of people, Malinda.”
I studied him. He was serious. I wanted to believe him. I did. But I was still a cautious person, beside the fact that I was freaking the fuck out on the inside.
“Hey.” Mattie gave a chin lift to Nary and Josh.
“Sorry, this is Nary and Josh,” I said.
“Nice to meet you both. Could I, um, have a word with your mum quickly?” Mattie asked. Both children looked at me. I gave a small nod and they stepped away. I rolled my eyes when they both took out their phones and started playing with them.
“Malinda.” I looked back to Mattie. “I can’t honestly know how you’re feeling, but I give you my word no harm will come to you and your family from those people in there,” He pointed to the compound. “My sister is married to their president. She’s a smart woman. She wouldn’t risk her own children’s life. If you don’t feel safe at any time, come and get me or Julian. Even any of the women, we will have your back.” He smiled. “But I can tell you, the men in there, they are good guys. They don’t deal in any bad things.” He took a breath and ran a hand through his hair. He met my eyes with concern showing in their depths. With his voice low, he continued, “I’m so sorry for your loss, but I know, whatever your husband was involved in has n
othing to do with this club. Talon runs a tight, clean ship. If he didn’t, he would lose his wife, his brothers’ wives and his family. He wouldn’t want that.” He reached out and took my hand. “You’ll be safe in there. Your children will be safe. I know it will be hard to understand, but my Julian said from the look in your eyes yesterday, you didn’t trust bikers, even though your husband was one. But the men in there are different from your husband. I’m sorry to say that, honey.”
I nodded. It was so much to take in. He truly believed they were the good guys. I supposed there was only one way to find out for myself. I had to go into the lion’s den and see for myself.
“He…my husband, he changed…he was a good man until he joined this club,” I explained.
Mattie looked startled. “That doesn’t make sense to me. I’ve known these men for two years, Malinda, and I know they are decent people who would do anything for those they care for. They would even lay their lives down for those they care for. Some even have. Thankfully, they survived. So I’m sorry, but I can’t see this club being the cause of how your husband changed.”
Wow. They sounded amazing. They sounded like a good group of people to get to know. My stomach lurched. I fought it back, wishing Tank had shown us this when he had joined. But he didn’t. He kept that part of his life separate and I didn’t understand why.
“Okay,” I whispered. “I have a feeling I can trust you and Julian, but if I see anything else I don’t like, for me or my children, then I’m leaving and I’m sorry, but I won’t want anything to do with anyone involved in this club.”
“I can understand that.” He grinned.
He had faith. I could see it. I just wasn’t sure I could believe it. I was about to find out.
Calling to Nary and Josh, I turned with Mattie to the compound and took a deep breath.
Stoke
Sitting out the back of the compound shooting the shit on a sunny afternoon was something I didn’t mind doing. It sucked we’d lost a brother, but what was worse was what we learned in our meeting. Tank had been involved in some heavy shit, and Talon, no not just him, but all of us were fuckin’ pissed a member of our brotherhood would even think to deal in coke behind our backs. Our club didn’t stand for that shit. Our club was clean and safe. But he took it upon himself to be a shady cunt and deal in Goddamn coke with some mean motherfuckers, and that was what got him shot.
