Sophie cackled. “I imagine he’s terrified. Just as he has been for the last four births. However, he’ll be fine once she’s delivered a healthy babe.” Sophie sobered. “I worry for Savannah. She’s desired a child for so many years, and I fear this will be difficult for her.”
Zylphia tapped the letter on her knee. “Oh, poor Sav. I know she’ll be happy for Rissa, but I imagine she’ll be wistful too.”
Sophie harrumphed and snatched her letter back from Zylphia. “Although you distracted me from our business at hand, there is more to discuss. I plan to escape this infernal heat. At the same time, I hope to pursue those who might be able to sway influential men to the vote. I need you to travel with me to Newport next week. New York is also having a referendum for the vote, and it should prove quite entertaining.”
Zylphia stared at the small bouquet of yellow roses on Sophie’s desk. “Returning to Newport would prove too painful.”
“I know you met your Theodore there two years ago, but you must know he’d want you to continue to live a full life. Confront that ghost, Zee.”
“He’s not dead,” she snapped.
“I know that. But the ghost of your regrets walks beside you every day. You must find a way to let it go.”
Zylphia nodded as she met Sophie’s concerned gaze. As the door to the parlor burst open, she turned her head to look over her shoulder. “P.T.!”
“About time you joined us,” Sophie said, her brusque words masking her concern.
“Are you still plotting ways to improve our chances of success in November?” Parthena asked, her cheeks flushed.
“Yes, of course. I’ve just invited Zylphia to travel to Newport with me next week.” She studied Parthena’s reaction. “Why don’t you join us?”
“I—We’re already planning to travel there in a few weeks. Mr. Wheeler is unable to travel any sooner due to business concerns.”
“Why don’t you come with us, and he can join you later?” Zylphia said with a broad smile. “That way you won’t miss any of the meetings, and we can have some time together, like before.”
“I’m uncertain Mr. Wheeler would be in agreement with such a plan,” Parthena said.
Sophie slapped her fan against the edge of the table, causing Zylphia and Parthena to jolt with surprise. “Stop acting the part of a meek, biddable wife. We know that’s not who you are. Show the man your spirit, and he’ll respect you for it.”
Parthena shook her head. “I doubt that to be true.” She leaned forward and helped herself to a biscuit. She smiled at Zylphia, teasing her. “You should have your cook spend a few days with Sophie’s. Maybe she’d learn important lessons.”
“I wouldn’t want Sophie’s cook to quit, claiming cruel treatment,” Zylphia said with a giggle, then turned to Sophie. “Have you invited Rowena to Newport with us?”
Sophie nodded. “Of course. Her father was hesitant to allow her into my care, but, when he heard you would be there, as would your parents for part of the time, he relented.”
“Why bother asking me if you already knew I had to come?” Zee asked.
“You always have a choice, darling Zee,” Sophie said with an indulgent smile. “If you prefer to stay in sweltering Boston, by all means, remain behind. I know your mother was looking forward to meeting patronesses who might aid her orphanage.”
“If Mother put one-tenth of her energy into fighting for the vote as she did in securing funds for the orphanage, we’d all have the vote by now,” Zylphia complained.
“We all have our callings, Zee, and that is your mother’s. It’s unbecoming to disparage it,” Sophie scolded.
Zylphia ducked her head in acknowledgment.
Sophie looked from Zylphia to Parthena and heaved herself to a standing position. She waved at Zylphia and Parthena to remain seated, and leaned heavily on her cane. “I must speak with my cook for a moment. If you’ll excuse me.” She thunked from the room.
“Not very subtle of her,” Parthena remarked.
“No, but I’m thankful she’s granting us this time together. Morgan doesn’t like me to call at your house.”
Parthena raised her eyebrows at this news. “I beg your pardon?”
“He advised Rowena and me, well, and Sophie too, that it would be better if we abstained from calling, as you were learning your new duties, and you didn’t have time for our incessant chatter about nonsensical topics.” Zylphia watched Parthena as she flushed, then paled, then flushed again.
“I had hoped your absence from my life was merely to grant me time to adjust to my new circumstances. Not a reflection of your disdain for my acquiescence to my father’s wishes,” Parthena whispered. “I know I hurt Lucas, and I feared you were angry with me.”
“P.T., you have to know how worried we all are for you. If we’d been able to, we’d have been present on the morning after your wedding to give you support.”
Parthena laughed, although it was more sorrowful than mirthful. “I wish you’d been there.”
“Was it horrible?” Zylphia asked, reaching forward to grip her hand.
“Horribly embarrassing.” She flushed from her neckline to hairline, accenting her straw-blond hair and hazel-colored eyes. “I didn’t want to be with him. Not after …” She broke off and bit her lip.
“Not after you’d been with Lucas?” Zylphia asked in a soft voice.
P.T. nodded. “The entire time, it was as though he suspected I wasn’t a virgin, and he was angry.”
“Did he hurt you?” Zylphia clasped Parthena’s hand.
“No, that’s the worst of it. It was as though he was even gentler, more solicitous of my enjoyment. Every time since, it’s as though he’s taunting me with his touch to show how I enjoy it. Daring me to like it more than Lucas’s.” She raised hands to her face as she blushed beet red.
“How does it compare?” Zylphia asked, unable to battle her curiosity.
Parthena looked down, her hands now clasped together in her lap. “Lucas touched me with a reverence. As though he believed I were special and wanted me to believe it too. However, I feel like Morgan’s goading me to reveal my feelings. And I feel disloyal to Lucas every time I feel any pleasure from Morgan’s touch.” She again covered her reddened cheeks with her hands. “I can’t believe I’m talking about this with you, my unmarried friend. It’s not proper.”
“Why would you be embarrassed, P.T.? It’s something almost everyone will do at some point in their lives.” Zylphia flushed before whispering, “I’m not as innocent as I look.”
P.T.’s eyes bulged. “You and Teddy?” At Zee’s nod, P.T. shook her head in confusion. “Then why’d he leave? Why’d he go to war?”
“I said hurtful, hateful things and pushed him away. To the point he wouldn’t listen to my apology. He refused to read any of the letters I wrote him until he’d enlisted and was on his way to France.”
P.T. squeezed Zylphia’s hand, still clasped in hers. “What was it like? When you were with Teddy?”
“Wonderful,” Zylphia breathed. “It was uncomfortable and awkward and strange, but Teddy made it all better.”
Parthena blinked rapidly, battling tears. “That’s what I don’t have with Morgan. I worry that I could be any woman to him.”
“Did you have that special bond with Lucas?” Zylphia whispered.
Parthena lost her battle with tears as she swiped at her cheeks. “Yes. I felt like I mattered to him.”
Zylphia sat in silence a moment. “What confuses me is that I don’t understand if you want to be with Morgan or not.” At Parthena’s determined silence, Zylphia asked softly, “Is it because he doesn’t affect you, or that you won’t allow him to affect you?”
P.T. stiffened. “That’s not fair.”
“Isn’t it?” Zylphia asked. “I see how he watches you. It’s as though he’s constantly trying to figure out a way to reach you. Every time I see you together, he grows a bit gruffer, a bit more desperate to provoke a reaction from you. You’re always so cool
and emotionless around him.”
“That’s not because he cares for me.”
“I wouldn’t be so certain,” Zylphia said, running a soothing hand down her friend’s arm.
“If he truly cared for me, he’d not forbid me from performing, speaking with Lucas, or participating in any suffragist activities.”
Zylphia smiled at the irony of what Parthena said. “You can’t expect your husband to be overjoyed in his wife speaking with her lover. No man, if he cares at all for his wife, is that understanding.”
“Nothing untoward has happened between Lucas and me since my marriage. I’m trying to abide by my vows. The more I give in to Morgan’s demands, the more he expects me to change.” She rubbed a few tears off her cheeks again.
“Your husband understands you have a close bond to Lucas forged by your love of music. Something he’ll never be able to share with you. That would terrify most men.”
“Do you know what it’s like to have the one thing you are most proud of constantly ridiculed?”
Zylphia paled. “He truly doesn’t understand you, does he?” She watched her friend, the vibrancy leaching from her little by little. “What if you continued to play the piano with the goal of performing?”
“He threatened to inform my father of my inability to honor both my father’s and my husband’s wishes to give up the piano. If I perform again, my father will happily marry Genevieve off to an onerous suitor.” She and Zylphia shared a grimace as they contemplated Mr. Carlisle and other such men of their acquaintance who’d enjoy having someone as young and innocent as Genevieve at their mercy. “And I had hoped to play one song with Lucas at his performance at Steinert Hall in the fall.”
“When did Morgan deny you this?”
“At breakfast this morning. We’ve barely spoken for the past week. After a disastrous evening out at the Beaupres’ home last week. You might have heard about it. I played a duet with Lucas.” Tears coursed down her cheeks.
“Oh my,” Zylphia breathed. “You taunted your husband with your lover, in front of a roomful of the worst gossips ever created?” At Parthena’s guilty nod, Zylphia shook her head in shock. “How could you? Why would you?”
“Do you know what it’s like to have this talent, this desire to shine, in front of your peers? I’m so tired of living in the shadows and acting as though the most important thing I can do is parrot whatever my father or husband believes.” Her mouth turned down mutinously.
“Parthena, I appreciate that you have a tremendous ability and that you are tired of hiding it. But it was folly, absolute folly, to act as you did. How could you expect your husband to rejoice in you performing when that makes him feel a fool?” Zylphia studied her. “How would you feel if he walked through a ballroom with his lover on his arm?”
“He doesn’t have one,” Parthena protested.
“It would hurt, wouldn’t it? And, more important, you would care,” Zylphia said, watching her friend closely. “You don’t live an isolated life where your actions have no effect on those around you. I thought, after you acted to save your sister Genevieve, that you understood that.”
Parthena closed her eyes and tilted her head back, as though reliving a memory. “You don’t know what it’s like to play with Lucas. It’s intoxicating to match my skill with his. His is superior, but I can see my improvement every time I play with him.”
“Do you desire Lucas because of his piano prowess or because of himself?” Zylphia clenched her jaw as she fought against saying anything more.
Parthena blinked in shock. “That’s patently unfair.” At Zylphia’s implacable stare, she blushed. “I don’t know. I love how he makes me feel when I play the piano. How he gives me confidence.”
“If he never kissed or touched you again, would you mourn their loss?” Zylphia bit her lip, unable to hide her concern from her gaze.
“Yes. I can’t imagine never being in his arms again. Morgan thinks his demand that I not perform is the greatest sacrifice he is asking of me. He doesn’t realize that means I never see Lucas again. Giving up Lucas will always be my greatest sacrifice,” Parthena whispered.
“But you will give him up?” Zylphia asked, her brow furrowed in confusion.
“I have to. I’m not a woman who thrives on deceit. I like to believe I have some honor, thus an affair is out of the question. Plus I can’t divorce as I have no real cause.” Parthena lowered her head in shame. “I’m not strong enough, Zee, to live with the notoriety or to live outside of society. I know playing in public with Lucas was reckless, and I know Morgan blames Lucas for that decision.” She closed her eyes. “It’s unfair of Morgan to blame him when I derived such joy from it and Lucas fulfilled one of my long-held dreams.”
“Will his blaming Lucas help Genevieve at all?” Zylphia asked.
“I think so. Morgan thinks I was overpowered and had no real say in the matter.” She shared a rueful smile with Zylphia.
“They don’t know you well,” Zylphia said with a wry smile.
Parthena smiled her agreement. “As it is now, Lucas is the villain, I’m the poor woman who was taken advantage of, and Viv is still safe because I’m being exonerated due to the events being out of my control. My father is angry, but Morgan was able to talk him out of announcing Viv’s betrothal.” She sighed and clenched her hands together. “I must now attempt to act as though I am docile and in agreement with my husband’s dictates. I hate that I need Morgan to contain my father’s idiotic plans.”
“Oh, P.T.” Zylphia clasped her hand. “I still don’t understand.”
“This is the world I was born to, and I want to live in it.” She brushed away a tear. “I will always love Lucas. But it’s a love that was never meant to be.”
Zylphia shook her head in disappointment. “Wealth and standing mean more to you than love? I know what it is to be poor, Parthena. But not to have love? That is true poverty.”
Parthena swiped at her cheeks. “My father advised me on the morning of my wedding that, if I acted in a shameless manner or caused any scandals, he’d happily consent to a marriage between Genevieve and Mr. Carlisle. He’s more than willing to earn money off his remaining unwed daughters. Only Morgan is able to talk him down out of one of his vengeful moods.”
Zylphia clasped her hands together to prevent herself from throwing one of Sophie’s knickknacks. “You can’t continue to allow your father to control you.”
“I can’t leave Viv to such a fate, Zee. She’s young and has her whole life ahead of her. She should never be exposed to a man like him.” She lowered her head.
“So you make three of you miserable to protect her?”
Parthena sighed. “My hope is that, one day, Morgan and I won’t be miserable, and that Lucas finds a love worthy of him.”
“Oh, my poor Parthena,” Zylphia whispered, brushing away a tear. “And poor Lucas.”
“I didn’t use him,” she protested. At Zylphia’s incredulous snort, she protested again. “I didn’t. He knew … I hope he knew what we were to each other.”
Zylphia leaned against her seat back, exhaustion and disappointment evident. “Now that we’ve ascertained you’ll not struggle for a future with Lucas, what do you feel for Morgan? The man you’ve married.”
“I don’t want to appreciate his touch. I don’t want to feel anything when he’s near.”
Zylphia smiled with sympathy. “And yet you do.”
“I’ve always known, for years, when he entered a room. When he was looking at me.” She shuddered. “It’s a thousand times worse living with him. Sharing a life with him.” She paused. “I pushed him away last week. Froze him away would be more accurate. And he slept on the floor that night, and every night since, in the adjoining room, rather than provoke gossip for the servants.”
“That’s chivalrous of him,” Zylphia said with a raised eyebrow.
“It spares him gossip as well as me. What I realized, as the week has passed and he’s become even more remote and cold, is
that he doesn’t want to know who I am. He wants to change me into who he imagines I should be. And that’s not who I want to be.”
“Would he ever hurt you?”
“Every day that he refuses to acknowledge who I am and what I like hurts me.” She met her friend’s worried gaze. “No, he’d never harm me physically. Even when I yelled at him this morning about his threat to tell my father if I performed again, he refrained from raising his voice. He’s a very controlled man.”
Zylphia was silent a moment as she thought about what her friend said. She then smiled wickedly. “What would happen if he lost control? If you took it from him?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
She held up her hand as P.T. opened her mouth to interrupt her. “It’s been a week since things have worsened between you, correct?”
Parthena nodded.
“How has that changed him?”
“He’s more short-tempered. He acts as though he’ll touch me, then snatches his hand away. He watches me but now with a glower.”
Zylphia smiled as she shook her head. “I’m no expert in men. If I were, Teddy would be here with me. Anyway it seems to me that your husband is frustrated he can’t have the marital relationship he wants.”
“Why should he? He’s taking away everything I want!” Parthena crossed her arms over her chest, like a petulant child.
“Parthena, you have to decide—now—what you want in your marriage. Do you want a cold, distant marriage where you come to loathe each other? You’re on the path to just that sort of marriage. Do you want a marriage where you sneak away to be with your lover? Or do you want to forge a good relationship with your husband?”
“I can’t imagine never seeing Lucas again. Never playing with him. Never hearing him tease me.” Parthena closed her eyes. “I barely know Lucas. We spent a few short weeks together before that blasted announcement. Yet it was as though everything changed in my life.”
“You had your chance to marry him,” Zylphia said. “You declined him. You must own your decisions as they are yours and no one else’s. You chose to protect your sister Genevieve from a perceived threat. You can’t be certain it would ever have come to fruition, but you did what you thought was necessary. You choose to refrain from causing any scandal now. Is it fair to continue to keep Lucas in such turmoil? Or to mar your marriage forever?”
Unrelenting Love: Banished Saga, Book Five Page 8
