“I am. It’s quite a change, but I’m happy to be home,” he said, his gaze flitting from one to the other. He looked at the red rose in Morgan’s lapel, Parthena’s yellow gown, and raised an eyebrow before shaking his head at his friend’s obstinacy.
Morgan attempted to ignore him. “Come,” Morgan said to Parthena. “I fear there’ll be some horrid piano playing. We should make our excuses before we are forced to suffer remaining in attendance.”
Parthena stiffened next to Morgan but bowed her head in obedience to his dictate and moved away with him.
Teddy remained to one side of the room, watching as those he’d called acquaintances, rarely friends, mingled and enjoyed themselves. He stiffened at the sound of a large crash of a plate of silverware falling to the ground. He stood still, breathing deeply as he searched the room for any sign of Zylphia. He continued to inhale slowly, attempting to envision anything that would hold the panic at bay.
“What’s the matter, Goff? Or is it that you’re as crazy as everyone whispers about, and we’ll finally see the show?” Owen Hubbard asked with a sneer as he sidled up to Teddy.
Teddy focused on Owen, his expertly coiffed hair, his scarless face, his apparent perfection. The panic receded as righteous anger filled him. “Wonderful to see you’re as welcoming of the war wounded as you have always been of those less fortunate than you,” Teddy gasped out.
“We don’t need your sarcasm or attempt at wit here,” Owen said as he flushed. He glanced around to ensure others weren’t listening to their conversation. They stood in a small alcove, largely hidden from the main parlor area, cooler than the main room as the windows to the back of the alcove allowed crisp evening air to seep in.
“No, but you might need my decency. One day, you could be called to fight for your country.” He clamped his jaw shut to prevent saying anything further.
“You’re such a woman, Goff, complaining about what you suffered. Take it like a man and quit whining about it. No one cares.” He raised his tumbler of whiskey and took a deep sip.
Teddy gripped Owen by the lapels and shoved him up against the side wall of the alcove, his movement hidden by a large bouquet of red roses. “Just as you believed no one would care that you attempted to abuse Miss McLeod last year when she denied your suit.” His anger gave his injured arm increased strength, and he held Owen in place. He held one forearm to Owen’s neck, effectively cutting off his airflow. “You are a letch who preys on those you believe weaker than you are. Fair warning, Hubbard. I’m not weak, and Zylphia McLeod isn’t either. Keep your distance.” He released Owen and stepped back a pace.
Owen gasped for breath but kept his arms lowered and refrained from attacking Teddy, his tumbler of whiskey spilled at his feet. “You’re insane to believe you can return and be the most-sought-after financial advisor again. I’ve become something of a savant, and I refuse to have you usurp my clients.”
Teddy chortled. “If you believe you’ll be able to match your financial acumen with mine, you are the delusional one. You will not best me,” he boasted.
“You will never be accepted into society. No one wants your advice or your fiancée’s reckless beliefs for women.”
Teddy’s smile was triumphant. “There you are wrong, Hubbard. I have formed a strong alliance with Aidan McLeod, and I believe the two of us will form a partnership to be envied. As for Zylphia and her beliefs for women, one day her cause will meet with success. And I will have great joy standing beside her as she waits to cast her first vote.”
Owen became so agitated at the news of Teddy’s partnership with Aidan McLeod that Owen looked as though he were going to have a heart attack. Teddy smiled, feeling relaxed for the first time since entering the mansion, and departed the alcove in search of Zylphia. He found her on the other side of the parlor, speaking with Rowena Clement.
“Miss Clement,” he said, bowing slightly in deference to her. She had changed little since he’d last seen her. A petite woman with somewhat plain features unless one focused on her remarkable brandy-colored eyes that failed to hide her intelligence.
“Mr. Goff. It’s a delight to see you in Boston again,” she said with a broad smile. “I’m thankful you have returned home healthy and whole.”
He quirked his head to one side at her comment while Zylphia squeezed his injured hand. “Thank you, Miss Clement.”
“Miss McLeod and I were discussing your wedding,” Rowena said. “It will be the highlight of the autumn social calendar.”
“I should hope not,” Zylphia said. “We want a quiet affair with only our closest friends.”
“I fear we’ll be disappointed as Miss McLeod’s mother is insistent we host a grand gathering for all our friends and acquaintances,” Teddy said.
“You’ll only marry once, Zee,” Rowena said. “You might as well have a huge bash and enjoy yourself.”
“I think I’d rather elope,” Zylphia said.
“Hush!” Rowena gasped. “That’s scandalous, and you know it. Everyone would wonder why, and you don’t need that sort of talk, not if you want to continue to sell commissions for your paintings.”
“And not if you wish to have influence among society for your suffragist activities,” Teddy said. “I don’t care what happens that day, except that you show up at the church and that we both say ‘I do.’”
Zylphia fought a snicker as she saw the wicked intent in his gaze.
“I think it’s wonderful you’re waiting until after the vote,” Rowena said. “It’s very considerate.”
Teddy laughed. “It’s not considerate at all. I want time alone with Zee, and I refuse to compete more than I have to with her causes.” He raised her hand and kissed her palm. He placed a hand to Zylphia’s back and led them to a smaller drawing room to hear a pianist perform. Lucas had declined, having whispered to Zee that he wanted patrons to attend his performances, not hear them for free in the Boston ballrooms. She smiled at him as he stood to one side of the room, awaiting the first notes from the man sweating profusely, sitting on the stool.
“I’d hoped you’d knock over that display of red roses when you were speaking with Owen,” Zylphia whispered to him.
Teddy choked back a laugh. “I was tempted, but I didn’t want to create any more of a scene.” He caressed her lower back, hidden from view from the other attendees. “He won’t bother you again, Zee.”
She leaned into his touch and turned so that only he would hear her. “He will, but we’ll face him together.” She schooled her face into one of polite interest as the man reached a crescendo finale with his piano piece. She clapped and sighed with relief as no one in the room called for an encore. She moved to leave the room and depart with Teddy, when she saw Lucas slip onto the piano stool. She gripped Teddy’s arm, silently signaling him to remain with her to listen to Lucas.
Lucas turned to face the crowd and nodded once. He then set his fingers atop the piano keys, stretching them a few times but not pressing them. After a few moments, he began to play. At first Zylphia didn’t recognize what he performed but was teased by the tune. Then she turned her face into Teddy’s lapel, as though she were fighting a coughing spell.
“Why are you laughing?” Teddy whispered. He extracted his handkerchief for her to promote the fallacy that she was ailing in some way.
“He’s playing a suffragist song. We call it ‘Marching to Victory and Freedom,’” she breathed into his ear. “It sounds proper, like the great Civil War song it’s styled after. But he knows that it’s one of our most important suffragist songs. And he’s taunting our hostess. Look at her.”
Teddy glanced across the room and saw the hostess, a devout Anti, red with ire. However, the majority of the guests merely recognized the song as the triumphant “Marching through Georgia,” which came to a resounding end. Lucas rose, bowed to the applause from the crowd, winked at Zylphia, and escaped the hostess who had murder in her eyes.
“Oh, he’s fantastic,” Zylphia said, as she fought another giggl
e, coughing into Teddy’s handkerchief. “This is the sort of thing he did when Clarissa was first interested in Gabe. He loved taunting her stepmother. The stories are legendary in our family.”
“That was fifteen years ago,” Teddy said.
“I know. And some would argue he hasn’t matured since then. I think it shows a steadfast commitment to our cause.” She gripped Teddy’s arm again, no longer as offended by the overflowing bouquets of red roses. “Come. Let’s sneak out to celebrate his triumphant act of defiance.” They shared a conspiratorial smile and slipped from the room and out of the stifling house.
Zylphia wandered Teddy’s study, nervous energy roiling through her as she awaited his arrival. She glared at the small folder set on his desk, filled with details surrounding their wedding day, and paced away from it. With their ceremony a few days after the vote, little calmed her mounting anxiety. She huffed out a sigh and strode toward Teddy’s desk, reaching for the folder. In her agitation, she knocked it and other papers to the floor. She knelt, separating the wedding information from Teddy’s correspondence. As she picked up an envelope, she glanced at it and stilled.
“Oh my,” she whispered. She glanced at the door and then hefted herself up to sit in the seat behind his desk, the wedding folder forgotten on the floor. Frowning at the envelope, she extracted the letter and began to read.
When she finished reading the letter, she sat, dumbstruck, with it lightly clasped between two fingers. Tears absently rolled down her cheeks as she stared at the fireplace. She jolted as the door burst open.
“Darling,” Teddy said with a broad smile before stilling as his sharp gaze took in the chaos around his desk and Zylphia’s devastated expression. “What’s the matter?” He moved to her side and knelt by her. He held out a hand to touch her but frowned when she cringed away from his touch. “Zee?”
“How long did you expect to keep her a secret?” Zylphia demanded. At his blank stare, Zylphia waved the letter in front of him. “Do you profess to love her as much as you love me?”
Teddy blanched when he saw the letter in her hand before flushing red with indignation. “How dare you go through my private papers.”
“They couldn’t have been very private if you left them on top of your desk! I set the folder with our wedding plans on top of your desk.” Zylphia paused as she fought a sob. “Our wedding, Teddy.” She arched away from him as he attempted to swipe the tears off her face. “And when I knocked the folder to the ground, along with some of your papers, this is what I found.” She waved the envelope in front of his face again.
“Zee …” Teddy whispered. “It’s not like it seems.”
“How can you say that?” She ripped the letter from the envelope. “I miss you more every day. I dream of your return. I can’t wait to feel your … touch again.” At this point Zylphia’s voice broke, and she was unable to forestall sobbing. She bent over at her waist, holding herself as though she were preventing any further pain.
Teddy rose and moved away, toward the fireplace. He ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath. “Will you let me explain?”
Zylphia raised her head, his calm demeanor in the midst of her sorrow enraging her. She rose, striding to him. “What is there to explain?” She pushed at his shoulders. “I waited for you. I stayed true to you! How could you?”
He gripped her shoulders, and she saw a reflection of her grief and despair in his eyes. “Please, Zee, let me explain.”
She nodded, backing up a few steps to collapse onto a hassock. He pulled over a chair and sat on it, leaning forward so that he could grasp her hands and meet her gaze.
“Maud, Miss Stephens, was a nurse. Is a nurse.” He closed his eyes for a moment. “They told you how I was missing in late 1914. I was, for a short time, before I was found, patched up and sent back to fight again. I never realized my letter to you, explaining that I was alive and well, hadn’t reached you. I didn’t write my family as I was sent back to fight much more quickly than expected. In my letter, I’d asked you to inform them I was alive.
“The second time, a month or so later, I was badly injured, Zee. You’ve seen the scars. You may imagine what that entailed, but you can never know what living through those injuries was truly like. The fear that I’d suffer an infection and lose more than parts of my fingers. The terror of undergoing the treatments. The horror of hearing those around me suffer. The bitter reality of waking up to new tentmates, aware that the previous ones had died.”
He opened his eyes and met her gaze. “I lived in an agony of hope and despair, determined to live but terrified of returning to fight.” He broke eye contact and glanced at the navy fabric of her dress.
“Tell me, Teddy,” Zylphia urged.
“The first time I was injured, they were desperate for men to fight. I was deemed strong enough, even though I still required the occasional bandage. But I was healing well. I returned to the front quickly. That was the worst. The truck ride back to the front, knowing what awaited. Miles of trenches, the whistle harkening the arrival of another barrage of bombs, the never-ending death. When I was out there fighting, my sole focus became making it through each time increment. An hour. A night. The latest shelling. It didn’t matter. Nothing did but survival. When I was injured again, my last thought was that I’d failed.
“When I first awoke, I thought Maud was an angel, and I fought like a demon. They told me later that it took three orderlies to hold me down before they could sedate me again.”
After a long moment of silence, she asked, “Why?”
“I thought I’d died, and I didn’t want to be separated from you. I kept screaming your name as though by sheer force of will I could bring you with me to wherever I was.”
“Oh, Teddy,” she whispered, tears coursing down her cheeks again.
“By the time my wounds had mostly healed, I was still more beast than man. I started at any little sound. A door slamming shut would make me cower in a corner for an hour.” He swallowed. “I received no letters and thought … thought it better that no one knew of my shame.”
“Teddy, there is no shame. None. I would have rejoiced at any word from you.”
He barreled on, ignoring her soft words. “I didn’t want anyone to know I was alive. I was ashamed to be as I was, and I thought it better if no one knew that I’d lived.”
Zylphia hit him on the shoulder again. “How dare you put me through months of misery! Your family and I, we had every right to know how you were.”
Teddy grabbed her hand and held it to his chest. “I know now that you are right. However, back then, I was merely trying to survive. I couldn’t have handled it if you or my cousin had shown up. I couldn’t have borne the indignity of you seeing me like that.”
“I love you, Teddy. I wouldn’t have loved you any less,” Zylphia whispered. At his subtle nod, she asked, “How does that nurse play into this tale?”
“Maud worked with the doctor who seemed to understand what I was suffering. She never looked at me as though I were damaged or pathetic.” He flinched when he saw Zylphia’s hurt expression. “Everyone else did. I heard their whispers. That I wasn’t manly enough to handle what had occurred. That I needed to quit complaining and be strong.” He shuddered. “I didn’t understand …” His voice trailed away.
“What?” Zylphia whispered in an attempt to coax him into speaking further.
“I didn’t understand why others couldn’t see the corpses of the men I’d gutted. Why they couldn’t hear their screams of agony like I did. Why they didn’t shy away from the incoming bombs.” He shuddered again and shook his head and smiled forlornly. “There were no corpses or bombs. It was all in my head.”
“What happened between you and that nurse?” she whispered.
“I can’t lie to you, Zee.” He reached forward and grasped her by her forearms to prevent her from fleeing. “I did come to care for her. Very much. She helped bring me back from the brink.” He tilted up Zylphia’s chin with his fingers, forcing
her to meet his gaze. “I kissed her. Once.”
“Once?”
“I thought I’d overcome the visions, the torment, whatever you want to call them. And then someone dropped a bag of tools onto the cement floor. I grabbed a metal pole, what I thought was my bayonet, and battled the men attacking me. Except no one was there, and I was hurting those trying to help me. I sent three to the operating room that day and concussed another.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose. “When I finally snapped out of it, the shame was overwhelming. I … There are no words to describe how weak and unmanly I felt. My mind betrayed me. I no longer knew what to trust. What was real. What was a figment of my imagination. There was no one and nothing that could ground me in reality.
“I needed to feel like a man, Zee. So I kissed her. I kissed her—and would have done more if we hadn’t been found out. I nearly caused her to lose her position. And I’m ashamed.”
“Why?”
“Because I didn’t think of you when I was doing it.” He met Zylphia’s bleak stare. “I didn’t really think of her either. I only thought of myself. Of what I needed. Of how I needed to feel.”
“Would you rather her than me?” Zylphia’s eyes shone with anger, pain, and fear. “If the two of us were side by side, in this room, right now, who would you want?”
Teddy smiled as he beheld her, his stress easing for the first time since he began speaking about the war. “You. Always you, Zee. No one compares to you.” He clasped her hand. “When I finally emerged from the stupor that enveloped me after the attack, I was appalled at what I’d done. Who I was becoming.”
“Why does she write you such letters?”
“She’s lonely, surrounded by death and the carnage of war. She wants more. She wants the dream of more.”
Zylphia sat in silence a few minutes. “Did you encourage her?”
“I left the hospital not long after that incident, it having been determined I should convalesce at my grandfather’s estate. I dissuaded her from writing me, but I answered her letters when she eventually did write. In that sense I encouraged her.”
Unrelenting Love: Banished Saga, Book Five Page 20
