by LJ Evans
And it did burst. It erupted in such a volatile way that before I could stop myself, I croaked out, “I’m so sorry,” and, to my utter horror, started to cry. I tried to hold them back, but the tears just wouldn’t stop. I was sobbing.
“What on earth do you have to be sorry for?” Mama squeezed my hand. And then she was crying too just because I was, and she didn’t even know why.
“I’m so sorry my kidney didn’t work,” I said so quietly I wasn’t sure they heard. But they did.
Mama wrapped her arm around me and held my head against her shoulder like it had been the night before. “Oh, my baby girl, please don’t say that. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t… Jake. God, he was almost as bad as Cam in doing things his own way.”
We were both crying.
“Damn, you two, knock it off or I’ll run us off the road,” Daddy said choking up himself but trying to tease us out of our tears.
And just like that, I didn’t know why I had been carrying this guilt around with me for so long. Because really, I hadn’t done anything but try to give my dying brother a chance at life. It hadn’t worked, but I’d still given everything that I could. It hadn’t been enough. But it was all I could have done.
THINKING OUT LOUD
Together
“Baby we found love right where we are.”
-Ed Sheeran
WHEN WE GOT HOME, it was late, and we just ate cereal and went to bed. We were all exhausted. I texted Derek, asked how the gig had gone, but was so tired that I fell asleep before I heard his answer.
The next day, I had nothing to pull me from my bed and hatred of mornings, so I found myself sleeping the day away. Mama came to check on me multiple times, but I just told her I was resting the way the doctor wanted me to. She let me.
I texted Derek several times, and got only a couple quick, short answers in return. He said the show had gone well, and they were finishing their caving ventures without me. I knew the next day that he would be on his way back to L.A. with the band in the motorhome they liked to call a tour bus. I tried not to wonder what would happen when he returned to the guesthouse and to Jane the Kitten and the Camaro because I didn’t even know if I should hope for anything. Or if I should just start trying to get over him, even though my heart felt like it never would. Like the hold Derek had on it was more than anyone had ever had on it in my entire life.
Good Girl Mia had gone quiet again after my confession in the cab of the truck the night before. I didn’t know if I’d banned her from my life, or if she was just keeping herself on a shelf in my mind’s closet, but I was glad that she was easing her hold on me once more.
I was hoping I could find some ground between old, guilty Mia and new, sassy Mia. A place where I could just be me and not have to think so much about what else I could’ve, should’ve, would’ve done if I had things to do over again.
Finally, in the late afternoon, I joined Mama in the kitchen to help with dinner like I always had. Somehow, tonight it felt more peaceful than it had since Jake had died. Not like it used too, but it felt right. I had told mama on the night of the fundraiser that everything would be okay. And I guess, I finally believed my own words. At least for my family.
For me and Derek? Who knew? I’d loved him. He’d loved me. If nothing else, it was a happy memory that I’d still have with me when I was old and gray.
Even though I’d rested most of the day, my sore body begged for sleep. I hadn’t had much rest on my venture with Derek and I flushed happily thinking of all the ways we’d kept each other awake, even before the Wooly Bison. So, after dinner, I headed up to the shower and stared in the mirror at the green and purple bruise on my cheek. It felt like this new scar somehow fit this version of Mia. It would fade, and what was left was going to be better than what was there before.
I pulled on a worn pair of yoga pants and an old t-shirt that had been too embarrassing to take with me on my trip with Derek. I missed my new clothes. I missed my new guy. I missed my new kitten. I missed us.
ME: Goodnight, moron, hope the guys are keeping the bus on the road. Meds are making me sleepy. I’ll talk to you in the morning.
No response.
I tried to stay awake waiting for the response that I hoped would come eventually. I was trying to have faith. I was trying not to give up as Derek had begged me not to, but it was all still a mystery to me how any of it would work out. It was a relief when I was pulled under into a dreamless, medicine induced sleep.
* * *
The next day, I went with Daddy to the dealership. We talked through some changes, and I met with Joe in the parts department to see that he’d straightened the mess out there all on his own.
It was good and bad not to be needed.
Daddy sent me home at midday saying I still needed to rest. And I did, but I also felt like he knew I was having trouble focusing on the work. I still had a lot to resolve in my world before I could concentrate again on everything the business needed of me.
I felt like I’d grown tremendously in a short amount of time. I’d closed the door on Hayden. I’d come to terms with my responsibility for Jake. But I’d also fallen in love when I knew I shouldn’t.
When I got home, I turned on the TV and the news was talking about the death of Hugo Brantly and how Hugo’s son was going to be taking over the business and the mansion. Ben Brantly planned on cleaning house and making the place over into something of a higher class. It hit me that Derek’s dad would probably no longer have a boss or a place to live. I wondered what that meant for Derek and his family. I wondered if Derek would go to the funeral.
I texted him, but I didn’t get a response until late, when I’d already curled up in bed.
DEREK: I’m so sorry. It’s been crazy here. I miss you.
ME: Are you okay?
DEREK: Better than I have been in a long time.
This of course made me both happy and sad. Was he better without me? I didn’t think so. I didn’t think that was what he meant.
ME: Are you going to the funeral?
DEREK: Yes, it’s on Friday.
ME: I’m sorry.
DEREK: Honestly, I’m good. I just miss you.
Then he sent me a picture of him and Jane the Kitten cuddled up in the bed that didn’t seem like him, especially without me in it too.
ME: You’re such a tease.
DEREK: Damn right. Keep you wanting me.
ME: I don’t think I’ll ever stop.
DEREK: Thank God.
ME: Goodnight.
DEREK: Night Little Bird.
And then he was gone, and I only had a picture to stare at of both the kitten and the man I loved. We hadn’t said we loved each other again. I didn’t know why. Maybe because we’d barely said it to each other in person before our magical bubble world had imploded into real life.
* * *
The next couple days went by in a blur. Derek and I texted and talked when we could, but we were back to leading our regular lives and our regular lives were far apart in more than just distance. On Friday, Derek texted me after the funeral to tell me that it was over, and it had been shit, but he was glad he’d gone. He said he had a few things to take care of and that it might be hard to get hold of him for the next couple days, but that he hoped to see me soon.
I just didn’t know how to respond to any of that.
* * *
Almost two days later, he’d been right. I’d only gotten a few one-line texts from him. And even though he’d told me that was going to happen, I had to wonder if this was the beginning of the end. I loved him. He loved me, but as we all know, love is just not enough sometimes.
So, I concentrated on reading my text books and working at the dealership, and just continuing the life that I’d led before it all. When I’d known I was a mess.
I didn’t feel like as much of a mess anymore because Derek and my adventure with Derek had helped heal the wounds inside me some. They were now just that scar that I’d been hoping for instead of the scab that
was ready to break open.
But, loving Derek and not having Derek… That was going to leave a new wound. Cam had once told me that living without Jake was like living without a limb. Like suddenly, your right arm was gone. I think I finally understood. She was still living a life without a body part. I was going to be missing two from now on, the one I gave to my brother and the one Derek took.
The sun was barely filtering in my windows Sunday morning when I opened my eyes. I felt like something had woken me, but I didn’t know what. I looked at my phone thinking maybe it had been that, but there was no text and no missed calls.
I took my grumpy, morning hating body down to the kitchen and made coffee. Then I decided I needed to bake. I hadn’t baked in so long that it felt like a skill that had gone rusty.
I turned on my Ed playlist on the phone, letting his love songs and life lessons wash over me as I went to work on the apple spice muffins that were a family favorite.
Mama came down ready for our lazy Sunday in jeans and a plaid shirt. She looked so country and so like home and so like Mama that it squeezed my heart with homesickness even though I was already home. She hugged me gently.
“Can I help?” she said as she eyed me struggling with my one good hand and a barely there one.
I shook my head. I needed to keep busy. She kissed my forehead, grabbed her own coffee, and headed to the granite bar to sit. I loved that bar. So many stories of our lives started there. The most important one being how Jake had rescued Cam from falling from the treehouse when he was seven and she was four even though there was no way for him to see the treehouse from where he’d been sitting. That had been the first of many ways that Jake and Cam had saved each other miraculously.
Over the last couple days, the thought of Jake and Cam hadn’t overwhelmed me with guilt. Instead, I was beginning to feel happy that they’d had those moments together. I was also happy that Cam now had her little baby and the joyful guy who loved her with all her broken parts. Like I thought that there was a guy who now loved all my broken parts.
The last set of muffins was in the oven and I was cleaning when the doorbell rang. Mama looked up at me. It was still early. Daddy, no more of a morning person than I was, was still sleeping.
Mama put down the iPad that she’d been reading on and went to the door. I kept cleaning. Sales people were pretty much the only ones who rang the doorbell, and they were about to get an earful from my mama about Sunday mornings and respect.
So I was surprised when Mama’s voice rang out with laughter, “Baby girl, I think it’s for you.”
I threw down the dish towel and headed towards the door. Then I stopped dead in the hallway.
There was Derek. My sexy BB was smiling at me in that cleft stretching way that made me turn to melted goo. And in his arms was Jane the Kitten. And out the door behind him, I could see the Camaro.
My heart leaped into my throat as if it might become its own entity and yet I was also frozen. Like I hadn’t been by the sight of him in so long. I was shocked and confused and happy.
And then, my body took over and I flew to his arms. Little Bird coming home. I was hugging him, and he was hugging me, and Jane was protesting with a loud mew. And he was kissing me even with Mama standing behind us, and Jane clawing to get down.
I’d been missing my heart all week, and here it was again. In this man. And for the first time since I came back to Tennessee, I felt truly and honestly home. No longer homesick. I was in the place I loved, with the man I loved, with the people I loved.
He pulled back and smiled again. “Miss Mia, did you miss me?”
“God, yes!” I said and pulled his fingers into mine as I went to shut the door, but then Lonnie appeared on the steps, smiling in his happy lumberjack way.
“Phillips!” he said and reached in to hug me.
“How are you both here?” I asked incredulously.
“Drove straight from L.A. after the funeral,” Lonnie said.
I looked at Derek in surprise.
“Wh-what?”
“Shit, I just spent thirty hours in a car with this smelly beast, and the girl I love asks me why I did it?” Derek laughed.
“Moron!”
The timer on the oven went off, and Mama said she’d grab it as I led the boys into the kitchen. We put Jane down, and she immediately followed Mama to where the food smells were coming from.
Mama took the muffins out and then bent to pick up the little fur ball. “Poor tailless kitty! What did these meanies decide to name you?”
“That is Jane,” Derek said with all his charm. “Jane Austen, but your daughter refuses to call her that. She’s just Jane the Kitten to her.”
“Jane Austen, hmm? I kind of like that,” Mama said, and I rolled my eyes, which earned me a quick peck from Derek.
I debated rolling them repeatedly to ensure several more kisses, but with Lonnie and Mama present, I wasn’t sure, even with Good Girl Mia gone, I could be that outrageously open about my love for this man whose hand I still held tightly in my own.
“And who’s your friend?” Mama asked, referring to our tall lumberjack.
It was funny that Mama didn’t know him. I felt like I’d spent a year of my life with the band. “This is Lonnie. Lonnie, this is my mama, Marina.”
“Mama!” Lonnie said and squished her in a hug that made her yelp.
“Unhand my woman, you maniac,” Daddy’s teasing voice said from behind us all.
I jumped and turned as Daddy entered the kitchen.
Daddy stuck his hand out for Derek’s. “Good to see you again.”
Derek shook his hand. “I’m surprised your wife let me in the house after seeing Mia the way she is.”
“She’s okay. I’m sure that has a lot to do with how you took care of her after it all,” Daddy said. I was surprised that he and Mama weren’t shooting daggers at him.
“Lonnie, why don’t you help me take these muffins and coffee out to the patio. It’s a beautiful morning for August,” Mama said, and they soon were all headed out to the backyard.
Derek sat on the barstool and drew me so that I was half on his lap in between his legs. “I missed you,” he said and kissed me properly. And it hit me all the way to the depths of my toes and back like it had each time and every time and probably always would.
“I missed you too,” I said, pulling back and smiling. “But seriously, George must be going bezerk.”
“Have I forgot to mention? I fired George.”
“What?”
Derek shrugged. “He doesn’t want what I want. Wants the band to be more commercial, less authentic.”
“Wow.”
“And Rob quit.”
I stared, mouth open.
“He said he couldn’t stand being away from Trista anymore. I can’t blame him, I kind of understand where he’s coming from,” Derek said, and this time, his smile was full of unspoken promises.
“What are you going to do?” I asked, still snug and happy tucked up against him.
“Well, did you notice that house around the corner that’s for sale?”
He was talking about Jake’s old girlfriend, Brittney’s house. Or at least her parent’s house. They had retired to Florida, and the house had been left empty and on the market most of the summer.
“Yes?” I said hesitantly.
“I’ve already placed a call to the realtor.”
“How did you do that?”
“From the driveway when we pulled up. It’s a sign from God, you know?”
“You’re a moron.”
“You keep saying that, but soon I’ll be a house-owning moron. And I’m going to need someone to help me keep house. Jane the Kitten demands a mother.”
“I’m not moving in with you. And you’re not seriously buying that house. You have to go back to L.A., fix your band, make more music, and put out your bonus album. You know, be the sexy musician you are.”
“Sex musician, huh?”
I eye-rolled him and
got a quick kiss.
“I’m hiring an agent in Nashville. Blake is already working on getting us into a studio there to finish the album. I’m sure he’ll have a drummer connection for me too. Mitch and Owen have already agreed that we can record here. Lonnie’s decided he’s moving with me. So we might have company for a couple weeks till he gets his own place.”
I was stunned at his words again. Unsure how to respond as was so often the case with him. Finally, I breathed out, “Are you really saying that you’re going to come live here?”
“Little Bird, you’re here.”
“Yes.”
“So wherever you are, that’s where I’ll be.”
“But you have a life and family in L.A.”
“I have a brother and a niece in L.A. That’s it.”
“You love them.”
“Yes, but they aren’t my whole world. You, you’re my whole world.”
Words. Words that embedded into my soul, but I still shook my head.
“Derek, I can’t…”
“You can.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say,” I fussed.
“You were going to say that you couldn’t let me give up everything to come live in some backwater with a girl who wears pantsuits and runs a car dealership.”
I flushed.
“I guess I don’t wear pantsuits anymore,” I said with a grimace.
“Thank God!” he smirked. “Although it would have been fun to rid you of them every time you tried to wear them.”
Eye-roll. Kiss.
“Derek, be serious.”
“I am very, very serious. I love everything about Tennessee, remember? Sweet tea, porch swings, and especially one beautiful woman.”
I started to protest again, but he put his fingers on my lips to silence me. “Besides, as of this morning, I don’t even have a place to live in L.A.”
“Why’s that?” I asked breathless.
“Dad’s moving into the guesthouse, and even though he and I had a heart to heart, I sure as hell am not living with him.”
“You and your dad talked?”
“Sort of. It was a start at least. Someone showed me that shoving a door closed and trying to forget it was there every time you walked past it wasn’t quite the same as not giving it energy or time or space.”
