by B. N. Toler
You were like an angel that day, he mumbled against my lips, his eyes hooded as he fought the exhaustion he was feeling.
I kept my face in front of his, so he could see me, even though he seemed to be staring off. I didn’t know what he was talking about, but I wanted him to keep talking. If he was talking, he was living. What day? I managed.
The day I got out. It was like walking straight out of hell and finding an angel waiting for me on the other side. He let out a wet cough and winced from the pain. My redemption. I didn’t use to believe in that shit, ya know? He managed after a second.
What shit?
Angels and shit. But I know he sent you for me. I know he thought I deserved something special like you. He was looking out for me.
More tears, they just wouldn’t stop. He was telling me he believed Blake sent me for him. That Blake was looking out for him.
He didn’t just send me for you, I whispered. He sent us to each other.
He closed his eyes for a moment. His mouth curving into subtlest of smiles. Then, I’ll never forget it as long as I live. Connor turned his head and pointed his dark gaze right at me. You, he said in a soft, but hoarse voice. Always you, Demi.
Then . . . he flat lined.
“Thank you, Mrs. Stevens. I know that was difficult to share,” Mr. Milton says, as I wipe my face, multiple balled up tissues in my lap. Several people in the courtroom are sniffling with me, wiping their noses with tissues.
“No further questions your honor,” Mr. Milton bellows out.
“You may step down, Mrs. Stevens,” the judge permits.
As I step down, I look over to Mrs. Jenson. She’s staring off into space, really working hard to appear insane. I want to run up to her and throttle her.
“We’ll take a recess. Court is adjourned until 9:00 am tomorrow.” The judge announces as he bangs his gavel.
Mr. Milton places a soft hand on my shoulder as I approach and squeezes gently. “You did great,” he confirms. “I know that wasn’t easy, but making the jury feel your pain makes it all the more likely to get a guilty verdict.” We watch as Mrs. Jenson is cuffed and led out of the courtroom.
“Will I need to testify again?”
“No, I don’t think so, but I’ll let you know if we need you again.”
“Thank you, Mr. Milton.”
I walk briskly out of the courtroom, desperate for a familiar face, a hug from someone I love, and fresh air. My eyes feel puffy, and I know I probably have mascara spread everywhere, but I don’t care. I was just forced to relive the worst day of my life, and all I want right now is to forget about it. I just want to submerge myself in the things in my life that are good right now. When I fly out the doors, Lexi, Wendy, Jeff, Dusty, and McKenzie practically jump out of their seats and surround me. Wendy and Lexi hug me tightly.
“Are you okay?” Wendy asks.
I pull away and wipe under my eyes once again. “I think so,” I murmur. But I’m not. I’m not okay. Because I need to see him. I should see Connor right now. I need to touch him and feel him. But he’s not here.
Looking around, I ask, “Where . . .”
“Right here, mommy,” his deep voice calls causing me to turn. “Someone needed a diaper change.”
Connor is walking down the hall toward us, diaper bag hanging off one shoulder. He’s hunched over as he walks, holding our daughter’s hand, who is just started walking in the last few months. The sight nearly takes my breath away.
When he looks up and meets my gaze he stops. Then he lets the diaper bag drop to the floor and picks up the baby, handing her to Wendy, who takes her and grabs the diaper bag.
“We’ll meet you outside,” she calls as she shoos everyone toward the exit.
Connor slides his hands in his pockets as he approaches me, his gaze never leaving mine. When he’s right in front of me, he leans down and presses his forehead to mine. “I’m here, baby. I’m right here.”
I close my eyes and inhale deeply. I lost Connor Stevens not once, but twice in that ambulance. After he flat lined the first time, he didn’t regain consciousness. He was in a coma for a week while he underwent surgeries. It was the second time in my life that I had to stand by, powerless, and watch a man I love suffer. I can’t even begin to describe what a horrible feeling that is. And I can’t deny that day has left some pretty severe scars for me. I wake up panicked sometimes, frantically reaching out for him in the night, convinced he’s not there. But he always is. And he always presses his forehead to mine and tells me, I’m here, baby. I’m right here.
“I’m sorry,” I weep just before he pulls me in his arms.
“Don’t be,” he says, before kissing my head. “The thought of losing you makes me feel the same way.”
“I know you have to be getting tired of it, though. I’m so clingy and panicked all the time. I just . . . love you,” I admit. “So fiercely that the thought of losing you terrifies me.”
His hands find the sides of my head, and he pulls me back so that I meet his gaze. “I’ll never complain about being loved too fiercely, especially by someone as amazing as you. I’m here, baby. Whatever you need, I’m right here.”
Then, he leans down and kisses me. When he pulls away, he looks down at me and smiles before sliding his hand down and resting it on my belly. I’m only two months along. We haven’t told anyone yet, and he’s chomping at the bit to announce it to everyone.
“I did tell Blake and Grams today when I visited them this morning,” I admit.
Connor smiles softly. “Grams would have been stoked.” Meryl passed away two months after our daughter was born. We named her Eloise, Gram’s middle name, but we call her Elle. Gram’s cried like a baby when she held her for the first time. I think she knew Connor had finally found some peace and happiness in his life. That’s all Grams ever wanted for him.
“Sometimes I think I did die, that day in the ambulance, and all of this . . . is heaven,” Connor adds.
I smile as I place my hand over his where it rests on my belly. “Heaven is your psychotic wife clinging to you like a leech because she’s terrified of losing you?”
He chuckles before giving me a chaste kiss. “No,” he says, thoughtfully. “Heaven is having the love of the best person I know,” he answers. “It’s being loved so deeply I feel it in my bones. Heaven is a woman that is way out of my league choosing me to spend her life with. Not only choosing me but gifting me with children. You are heaven Demi. You’re my heaven.”
“Wow,” someone says, jerking us from an incredibly romantic moment. No surprise . . . it’s Lexi.
“You’re so getting laid tonight with lines like that Connor,” she jests as she fans herself.
I roll my eyes as Connor chuckles.
“Baby Connor is getting angry and crying for Daddy,” Lexi tells us. Lexi calls Elle, Baby Connor because the child looks as if he spit her right out of his mouth. The first time Lexi held her she said we needed a maternity test to prove I’m her mother because she looks nothing like me. Connor’s face lights up with a smile. Here he is my big, burly, mechanic man, dressed in a white button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up exposing his tattoos, smiling like the Cheshire Cat. It’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.
“Can’t keep our girl waiting,” he beams his beautiful grin at me.
“Daddy’s girl,” I sigh. He takes my hand and pulls me with him as we follow Lexi out.
I let out a long breath and shed some of the worries I’ve been carrying.
Right now, he’s here.
I’m here.
We’re happy.
That’s all that matters.
First and foremost, thank you to my readers. You guys are amazing, and you have no idea how much your support, kind words, reviews, and sharing mean to me. There was a time not very long ago that I was begging people to read my work. It still humbles me every time one of you post on my page or send me an email. Thank you so much for everything.
Dreama Boo, I l
ove you! Thanks for being my bestest friend and always having my back in both the real world and the literary one, too! I’m sorry I talk so much on the phone, but it’s not going to change anytime soon.
Meg Collett, thanks for looking at Taking Connor at the last minute and for giving me a kick-ass critique. I truly value our friendship and our working relationship. And I am soooooo excited for the projects we will work on in the future.
Legion of Moist, you ladies make me . . .
Kim and Clare, I love you ladies to the moon and back. Thank you so much for your advice.
Amy Donnelly, thank you for editing and working with me in a tight timeframe. You really came through for me, and I am so grateful. I heart you hard.
J, thank you for your encouragement and for always pushing me. Your optimism and move on attitude is inspiring. I’ve really needed that in my life. I love when you find the best things, and you weren’t even looking for them. Ti amo!
Kari with Cover to Cover Design. Yesss!!!! Love this cover. You did an amazing job! Thank you a million times over.
Tami from Integrity Formatting. Dude. You are awesome, mate. Thank you for pushing this one through on the heels of your vacation. I am so grateful!
And to the bloggers. Yes, you lovely, lovely bloggers. What would we authors do without you? People think writing the book is the hard part. Nope. Getting people to buy it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Thank you for reading, promoting, and sharing my work. I am forever grateful.
Gracey, a.k.a, middle spawn. Little girl, you amaze me every day. I hope by sharing some of what we went through together it might help another family take a closer look at their own child and maybe catch the signs of autism early. It’s been a long road, and you’re only five right now, but we’ve got this. I will fight with you and for you every step of the way, because you, countless times, have shown me no one can set limitations on you. Autism does not define you in any way. Sometimes, I wish I could see the world through your eyes. Sometimes, you look so in awe of something, and I just want to know what you see or how you see it. I love you a million times over, Popeye. Thank you for teaching me what real determination is.
To my eldest spawn and youngest spawn, Jackson and Brey. Dudes. You’re awesome, and I’m so grateful for your love and understanding. I know it’s hard when Mommy is working, and you want to play, but you guys are champs and let me get it done. I love you both to the moon and back.
B N Toler lives in Virginia with her three rowdy children. She enjoys warm weather, beaches, reading, and music.
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GOODREADS ~ https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7150768.B_N_Toler
The Healer Series
Healer
Hybrid
Savage
The Holly Springs Series
The Suit
The Anchor
Stand Alones
Wrecking Ball
Where One Goes
Table of Contents
Dedication
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Acknowledgements
About the Author
Connect Online
Other books by B.N. Toler
