by Jeff Miller
She was a few inches taller than her husband, with equally yellowing teeth. It was for the best nobody could smell their breath, as outer-space dental hygiene was probably the first thing to go in a survival situation. They were both filthy, and Neil wished he knew what that kind of dirtiness felt like.
Neil and his fellow gamers watched the joyful hugs from the shocked astronauts. Biggs, Corinne, and even Trevor cried, although he tried to act like he hadn’t. It was like an emotional YouTube clip, where families were at long last brought back together. Except it was happening in real life, and it didn’t have a comments section.
“I knew you’d be here,” said Kip, her face soaked with tears. “I knew you’d make it.”
“I heard you on the TV!” said Edmond.
“We had a hunch that worked,” said Mrs. Minor.
“Once we realized radio transmissions were dead and that there was insufficient fuel for a return trip to Earth, we put our noggins together,” said Mr. Minor, playfully bouncing his head with his wife’s. “We knew where to find this volcano, and we created an underground lab at the base to get away from these storms and continue our mission.”
“And what was that?” asked Sam, enthralled. “And why the volcano?”
“Well, it’s something called Q-94.”
“Believe us, we know all about it,” said Sam.
“We tried to get in touch, but it sounds like they figured it out, then. So you’re aware that NASA’s predictions were incorrect?”
“Very.” The sounds of a massive dust storm raged on overhead.
“Our ship was designed to fire a special missile to harness and capture the asteroid, to be brought into our orbit to be studied,” said Mrs. Minor. “But the missiles malfunctioned, and we ended up here.”
“And as for the volcano, we’re critically low on chemical fuel. We’ve got some solar panels on the ship, but they can’t generate the power we need to break free of this atmosphere,” Mr. Minor explained.
“We did some testing, and this volcano is past due for serious seismic activity. The way these ships are designed, and the amount of heat their armor can withstand, we can activate the thrust of the ship once we—”
“Get it flying fast enough?” answered Sam. “Believe us, we know all about that.”
“So we drove the Golden Gecko up here, and we’ve been waiting patiently for the volcano to erupt, to dislodge our ship and help fire us into orbit,” said Mr. Minor.
“How long have we been gone?” asked Mrs. Minor.
“You were declared lost by NASA a year ago,” said Neil. “I saw the plaque dedicated to you both.”
“And what about the pancakes? And the slippy seals swimming through the air?” asked Mrs. Minor, batting at the open air a few feet around her head.
“Um, repeat that back?” said Neil, unsure if these were advanced astronaut terms he would never understand.
“The lumberjacks should be here any minute. Make sure all the kittens are gift-wrapped,” Mrs. Minor said, rapidly blinking her eyes and ending each sentence with a little whistling noise.
“Oh no,” Sam said. “Finch had us go over something like this in that SQUID medical training.”
As the crew’s medical specialist, she put a hand to the foreheads of the Minors and held her hand out, one finger pointed out.
“Follow the tip of my finger,” she said to Mr. and Mrs. Minor. Sam slowly moved her finger back and forth, fixated on their pupils. She looked serious, and she took her time diagnosing her patients.
“It’s just what I feared,” she said solemnly. “Advanced Space Silliness. Stage two, maybe even stage three.”
“What does that even mean?” asked Trevor.
“Their brains are loopy, especially Mrs. Minor’s,” Sam said. “A year in space all alone? The human mind isn’t meant for it. We need to get them back to Earth soon, before their condition gets worse. If it goes untreated, symptoms can be irreversible.”
Sam looked at Kip and Edmond, who listened with concerned faces.
“They’ll be okay; we just have to get them out of here.”
The news relieved the Minor children, and they once again hugged their parents tightly. Mrs. Minor looked at the group more closely, surprised.
“Why, you’re just a bunch of kids,” she said. “How did you even make it here?”
“Well, an old pilot hazing ritual,” Neil said.
“Shuttle Fury? It worked?” asked Mrs. Minor. “I didn’t even get past level two on that darned thing. Clint barely played two hours.”
“Ha! See?” said a defensive Neil, but no one paid attention—the sounds of the storm had stopped.
Clint stood at the top of the bunker and lifted the hatch to look outside. The worst of the storm was past.
“Clint, if we’re leaving, we need to get the research from the ship,” Elle said as they stepped outside.
“The Golden Gecko,” Sam said in awe. “I can’t believe it actually exists.”
“Oh, the old bird’s in tip-top shape, too,” said Clint. “Enough fuel for the warp drive back, but that’s about it.”
“Well, we won’t even need it if you all came in a new ship.”
“Well, Kip and Edmond did,” said Neil. “We came in the Fossil.”
“What?” Clint said, his face shocked. “That hunk of junk still works?”
“Complete with Boris the chimpanzee cosmonaut in the middeck,” said Neil.
“He’s come out of retirement? Draymond’s really shooting from the hip on this one, eh? We’ll go now to the Golden Gecko, and we can—”
And at that moment, the desolate ground of Mars began to shake. Neil saw a slim black plume of smoke drifting up from the top of the Martian volcano.
“My cats! The volcano!” said Mr. Minor. “We’ve no time to spare!”
“UH, DUDES? SHOULDN’T WE BE RUNNING AWAY FROM THE volcano?” shouted Biggs as he hoisted everyone aboard, nodding at the black smoke beginning to trickle out from the peak of the red-rock mountain. “We’ve got another way home, remember? Our ship isn’t that far away. Or is this how I find out you’re all alien robots?”
“We can’t leave our ship—not yet,” said Mr. Minor as Waffles drove the hot-wired rover up crumbling rocks. “The data on that ship could change life forever.”
“But Finch needs the Newt to stop the asteroid. He said it was Earth’s only chance,” said Neil.
The ground shook again, and a hissing sound came from a nearby ridge. The vehicle crawled over occasional alien rock formations, slipping but regaining traction quickly. It continued climbing over the untouched mountain, nearly to the peak.
“Draymond Finch? He told you that?” asked Mr. Minor, concerned.
The rover came to a halt, as they could see a battle-tested Whiptail wedged into the small summit of the volcano. The ship was cocked at a sixty-five-degree angle, and the door to the air lock was positioned just over a smoldering crater.
The haggard astronaut briskly maneuvered to the air lock and climbed inside. Neil and the rest followed, stepping through a thin curtain of black smoke.
“Is this thing gonna blow?” asked Jason 1. “Stepping onto a volcano is probably, like, thing number one we shouldn’t be doing right now.”
“This eruption is a million years in the making. I’m sure it’s got a few more hours in it,” said Mr. Minor.
The crew walked into the cabin of the Golden Gecko, which looked the same as the Fossil, just human sized. The whole ship had a distinct “not for chimpanzees” feel, which was a welcome change.
Grubby NASA jumpsuits hung from the chairs, and countless sealed plastic containers filled nearly every flat area.
“And what are all these plastic dealies everywhere?” said Biggs, grabbing a few of the cups, shaking them to make sure their lids were secure. “Some water conservation?”
Biggs held up a cup.
“Ah, wait one second there. I’m sorry, it was Big?” said Mr. Minor. “Mr. Big, those are sam
ples to be brought back to Earth for research.”
“Samples?” said Biggs, quickly bringing the plastic cup back down.
“Or to be refiltered and used again. It would be best if you just kept those covered,” said Mr. Minor.
“We go potty in those,” said Mrs. Minor, gesturing to the array of plastic receptacles strewn about the ship’s cabin. Biggs gagged and immediately replaced the cups he’d taken.
“That is disgusting,” said Sam. “Is this what you made us come back for?”
Mr. Minor smiled. “Yes! Plus we needed our soil samples.” He shook a large plastic container filled with dirt and stones.
“Science isn’t always pretty,” laughed Harris. “But I’m not exactly sure what kind of science this falls under.”
The ground shuddered violently. It was the volcano, and the lava inside was getting impatient for an eruption.
Neil knew he had to get the Newt, but lava was a danger he wanted nowhere near his crew.
“Okay, team, the plan,” Neil said to the group. “Harris, can you do me a favor? You owe me one, right?”
“Sure thing, ManofNeil.”
“Make sure you guys go straight to Earth, okay?”
“Wait, Neil, you can’t leave us!” said Sam.
Neil turned to her and gave her a shrug, “Sam, we need to get the Newt back to Earth. I promise I’ll be right behind you.”
The outer door signaled it was safe to open, and Neil twisted the handle. The black smoke outside had grown thicker. Neil leaped across it to the waiting rover.
“Okay, Waffles, do I need to do anything special to hot-wire this thing?” Neil radioed back to his friends on the ship. He hopped on and adjusted the steering wheel and ignition.
“There’s a clear wire and a silver one. Cross those.”
Neil twisted the wires and struck them like kindling. The rover buzzed to life, and Neil looked out at the sun. It was weird thinking how it was the same burning star that kept him warm at home.
But as he gazed up at the hazy crimson sky, Neil felt vibrations furiously traveling through the metal vehicle. He turned back to see the Minors’ Whiptail shuddering in the mouth of the volcano. Plumes of dark smoke soon swallowed it. Neil could feel the ground begin to shift.
“Guys, you’ve got to get out of here,” Neil called into his radio.
There was a rumble as the ship jump-started, and he could feel the jets kick in.
Neil hopped back on the rover, doing his best to hold on with both his legs and feet as he started down the volcano, skidding over uneven rocks. He could feel the ground rumbling underneath the rubber tires, and he leaned right to avoid the splintering cracks of magma bursting up.
“Neil! Neil sch . . . it’s . . . going . . . ,” said Sam, her transmission crackling.
“What?” Neil shouted, looking back. The sky was drearier than normal.
“No . . . ghh . . . tsh . . . come back,” said Sam through more and more static. But her last words were hauntingly clear. “I’m sorry . . .”
Neil neared the volcano’s base and felt a bone-rattling blast. It sounded like a cannon fired from the bottom of a swimming pool. Neil turned to see the middle of the volcano explode in a spray of black, red, and neon orange.
Out from the chaos shot a blue streak, clearing the geyser of ash to venture out of the planet’s atmosphere. Neil knew it had to be the Golden Gecko, and he felt good knowing his friends were safe.
NEIL CLUTCHED THE MARS ROVER WITH EVERY OUNCE OF energy his body had left. The radio silence lingered. Neil knew the ship was probably already engaging double-warp drive, carefully using the little fuel that remained.
Neil floored the rover and headed back to the Fossil. He felt something deep inside his gut. Something beyond what was most likely an undigested gummy peach ring.
I’m the only person who can save the planet.
No one else could stop Q-94. As another dust storm began to sweep across the Mars landscape, Neil arrived back at the broken Fossil, which was completely unfit for flight. He was panting and full of adrenaline as he carefully climbed into the ship’s air lock.
“Boris! Boris, I’m back!”
Neil headed to the middeck of the ship, and, after dodging a few flying bananas, helped Boris put on his chimpanzee space suit. He did his best to explain that they had to leave, using only The Universal Biggs Language, hoping Boris would understand.
Neil’s watch read 14:24, and time was running out. They needed a plan. He gasped as a thought crossed his mind.
“Lars said there was an asteroid at the end of the game?” Neil said aloud. “He’s, like, the only person alive that’s made it that far.”
Neil realized there might just be one more person capable of stopping Q-94. He and Boris grabbed three bunches of bananas and sprinted into the sleek and spacious air lock of the Newt, headed for the moon.
The door stamped POD 12 was locked. Neil pounded his gloved fists against the metal.
“Lars! I know you’re in there!”
He kicked the bottom, and the low gravity made Neil feel like he was in a kung fu movie. Boris, at Neil’s side, pounded the doorframe with his strong fists.
“I need you to teach me how to destroy the asteroid in the final level,” Neil shouted into the door. He stepped back after hearing the scraping metal of the lock system. Lars opened the door a few inches, like a person inspecting a pizza delivery driver before forking over their cash.
“Why should I do that? You guys tricked me into not hanging out. You used smells against me,” Lars screamed. “I can’t sniff baked goods without thinking it’s going to smell like animal feces. You know what that does to a guy?”
“Lars, you put us in a tough situation. You were trying to take us prisoner there for a while,” Neil defended.
“Everyone’s always in such a hurry to leave. I’ve got nobody. I’m sick of it,” Lars said. “I even beat that game after you guys left.”
“Shuttle Fury? Lars, I’m not going to lie. I need to know what happens,” Neil said. “I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll even come back and play with you. We can play online. I’ll be your best friend forever.”
Lars’s face lit up.
“Forever? You promise?” he asked.
Maybe forever was strong language. But forever might only be a few more hours if he didn’t get Lars to help him.
Neil swallowed hard.
“Promise.”
Seeing full glasses of space punch just sitting out, Boris somersaulted into Lars’s house. He gave a playful squeal.
“Hey there, buddy!” Lars exclaimed.
“Or . . . ,” Neil said, a plan brewing. “I don’t think Boris here will get along with my pet ostrich. How would you like a roommate and new space Ping-Pong partner?”
“Really?”
“He’s been retired in Florida for years; he’ll fit right in at your nudist colony,” Neil said. “Just treat him well. He’s my friend.”
“Wow, thanks, Neil,” Lars said.
“And the game?”
“Oh right,” Lars replied. “Here’s what you do. . . .”
Neil headed straight for the asteroid, following the coordinates mapped by Astronaut Clint Minor, clutching the controls of the Newt. It was the pinnacle of NASA engineering, and piloting the ship felt like controlling the future. Where the Fossil was clunky and smelled like moldy bananas, the Newt was clean and streamlined.
As Neil rocketed through deep space, his thoughts returned to his friends and the recently reunited Minor family.
At least they got to see their parents again, even if it was just for a few hours.
Neil wondered what his family was doing. He figured they were probably watching Janey kick a local youth in the shin. His welling emotions were paused by the sound of a low beeping.
Neil watched the ship’s radar come to life. The blip on the screen was moving fast, and Neil steered right for it.
The asteroid came into view. Neil angled toward the ro
ck. It was terrifying, spinning like a pitcher’s curveball and the size of a small planet. He tried to match its slight curve and pace.
Neil gazed at the distant speck of Earth and realized it was like a dangling piñata, and this thing was about to tear through it. It was unlike a papier-mâché donkey, though, in that there was going to be 100 percent less candy.
“Remember what Lars said,” Neil said to himself. It felt reassuring to talk to someone, even if it was himself.
The instructions Lars provided offered Neil two separate steps for asteroid destruction. If one didn’t work, he needed to move on to the next. If both didn’t work, well, then it was game over. Officially.
Neil started in on Lars’s first line of defense, directing the muzzle of the pulse cannon at the asteroid. It had its own separate joystick and screen in the middle of the control dashboard. If fired at its maximum energy level, it could potentially knock the asteroid off its path.
Neil powered the cannon and guided the joystick like a stuffed-animal crane game, gently tapping the black control. Below a picture of a lightning bolt was a black knob. Neil cranked it to full power and fired away, sending a crackling ball of energy toward the projectile.
He watched it collide smack-dab in the center of the asteroid, but the spiraling rock continued unfazed.
“This is like trying to stop an elephant with confetti!” Neil yelled as the second pulse cannon’s shot exploded in a harmless blue puff. Neil did his best not to panic, but the cards seemed stacked against him.
Okay, Lars, really wish we had more than two options right now.
