by Anne Eliot
Because I do—love you. And I think you know that already too.
Either way, no matter what happens tomorrow—I'm not taking any of what is in this envelope back.
Love. Seriously. Love you. With all my heart.
See you tomorrow.
Gray
A second, rectangular shaped, light blue paper is still stuck inside the envelope.
My heart's pounding, and my eyes burn with tears, frustration, anger, and of course absolute longing.
How could I not be dying with that after reading what he'd written.
His words change everything.
Unfortunately, they also change nothing. As much as I wish I could accept his words and his love—neither can change me into someone else. Someone different. He has no idea whom he's asking to date. If he did know the real me, he wouldn't have asked in the first place.
A boyfriend, love, and any sort of normal relationship is not for me.
I'm not allowed to have that. If I were, I'd have cured myself long ago.
I pull out the paper and open it. It's a personal check.
From Gray Porter, make payable to: Jess Jordan, the sum of $4,000.00
On the bottom left hand corner, he'd scrawled “internship payback”. I grab my phone and text him, hoping that when he gets out of the hospital where the network can find him, he'd read it immediately.
WTF. No need to stay up all night wondering. My answer holds. No. No. No. NO. I'm not keeping this money. Thanks, but no. To all of it, no. I don't love you. You don't love me. You don't even know me. And you promised you wouldn't back out on the contract. I'll bring the check tomorrow.
###
It's not until much later that night while I'm staring endlessly at the ceiling fan going around and around in my room, that I finally receive Gray's reply: Home with Gran. All is well. Not taking ‘no’ as an answer from you until we talk. I do know you. And I do love you. You'll see this is right. Be there at 8AM, GF.
Before he can text me again, or worse, call me, I power down the phone without replying.
For the first time all summer, I'm easily able to stay awake all night long.
Because who could sleep when you have a letter like mine to read, again and again?
Chapter Thirty
Jess
“And who's driving, exactly?”
My mom's on a roll. She'd been plucking dead leaves off the houseplants and making up random conversations so she can haunt the front entryway while I wait for the gang to pick me up.
“Michelle. Michelle Hopkins. She's a good friend. She's driving her mom's new Honda minivan. It has airbags all over it. We'll be perfectly safe.”
“And what time do you plan to be home?”
“The place closes at 8, it's about a two hour drive. I won't be past my 11PM curfew. I promise. Plus I need to wake up early to help with the BBQ, right?” I add that in to keep her focused on the idea that she's going to get what she wants—tomorrow.
“Yes. Oh, I can't wait to meet your boyfriend. I just can't. I wish you'd invite him in this morning.”
“That would spoil the surprise,” I quip.
Kika wanders through on her way to the kitchen. She's heard my last line to Mom. She snorts, once, very loudly, and keeps walking as she tosses me her most scathing glare.
Mom shakes her head and whispers, “I think your sister's a bit jealous. She's been acting very much like a sullen teenager for two days.”
“I heard that!” Kika yells. “YOU BOTH SUCK! If you want to say something about me, then say it to my face.” Kika slams one of the cupboards.
Mom shoots me a knowing glance. “See?”
I grimace and break Mom's gaze. Thankfully, a very shiny black minivan pulls into the driveway. I bolt for the door. “This is me…oh great,” I mutter. Michelle has pulled all the way down the driveway to our porch. I'd texted her specifically to park out on the street. Teenagers—it's true—we never listen. Not even to each other.
“What's wrong?” Mom's followed me out the door. Of course she has.
“I…nothing. I hope Michelle knows how to back up without hitting your flowers. That's all,” I cover.
Corey Nash is sitting up front waving at me like an overly excited seven year old. “Let's go, Jordan! ThunderLand opens in exactly fifty-eight minutes. We ride the Super Splash Ride first.” I smile and wave back like I'm just dying in love.
“Is that him?” Mom whispers, smiling at Corey. “He seems very cute.”
I answer only half of the question. “Corey's cuter than cute. It's his specialty. Bye, Mom!” I dash down the steps, knowing Mom would try to follow. I leap through the van side door and into one of the bucket seats, but the door keeps doing some electronic self-opening thing when I yank on it to close. WTF!?
“Drive already! Before my mom blocks the driveway,” I hiss, not caring that the dumb door is still open.
“I told her not to pull in,” Gray says, sounding as stressed as I feel. I shoot him look. He's lounged in the third, bench-like back seat. I'm careful not to let my gaze linger on his intense gaze. Michelle pushes a button up front and the door finally slides closed.
“See you tomorrow, Corey!” My mom is waving at the front of the van like a dork.
Corey, thankfully, just keeps waving back. “What did she mean about seeing me tomorrow?”
“Heck if I know. She's constantly confused these days,” I cover.
Michelle carefully backs the minivan into the street.
“Jess, don't buckle up there. Sit back here with me,” Gray calls out.
“God. So whipped. Move back there—cuddle buns. I like to make my seat go flat so I don't have to watch Michelle's lack of driving skills on the freeway.” Corey reclines his chair, almost crushing me. When I don't budge, he glances back with a questioning look. Unable to come up with a reason not to move, I weave back to the far bench and scoot next to Gray.
Corey pulls out his iPod and plugs it into the jack that connects it to the stereo. “Any requests back there?”
I try to buckle, but Gray is leaning in, apparently to scan my face. “Play something quiet. Soothing. If Jess is tired, she's going to need to nap.” He picks up my hand and clicks my buckle in place for me.
“I'm not tired.” I pull my hand away to adjust my strap.
“I can tell from your face that you didn't sleep last night. Don't deny it.”
“I've got you to thank for that.”
“Ha! It must have been that looooove letter.” Michelle pipes up from the driver's seat. “And what about your face, Gray Porter. I can tell you didn't sleep much, either!”
I give Gray an assessing glower. He does look tired. “Hard to sleep when your girlfriend won't text you back,” he says quietly.
I whisper, “I'm not going to be your—”
“Shhh. Don't start.”
My hand moves to my pocket. “Wait! Michelle, can you go back? I forgot my phone.” Panicking a little, I picture where I'd left the phone. I'd been meaning to plug it into the kitchen charger during breakfast, but then I forgot. Hopefully it's camouflaged within the clutter and magazines on the mail table and no one will spot it. If they do, Mom and Kika won't be able to resist messing with it.
“Heck no! We will not turn back. You can use one of ours if you need to.” Michelle insists.
“Dude. It's probably for the best. Last year I dropped my phone into the Lazy River. It freaking sucked,” says Corey.
“Dude. She's not a dude,” Gray grumbles.
“Whoa. Someone's cranky back there.” Michelle makes a face at Gray in the rearview mirror. Michelle continues, “Here's how this is going to go. Anyone who's tired had better catch up. I won't have people pooping out on me after lunch. We only get ThunderLand once a summer. So both of you whiners, snuggle up and nap it out. You know you want to.”
The strains of Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon album fills the van.
“How's this for mellow?” Corey calls out.
“I love this album,” Michelle's voice has faded, far to the front. “Turn it up, would-ya?”
“I bet you don't love this album as much as I love…Y. O. U.” Corey turns the volume knob until I can't hear their conversation.
Gray quirks a brow. “I could use a little shut eye, but if you want me to stay awake, and watch over you…”
“God. Don't you dare use that voice on me. It's not fair.”
“What?”
“You know how you sound when you talk all quiet like that! All low, sexy and rock star, brainwashing perfect. You do it on purpose to mess with my head.”
He laughs. “You have to know you're the only one who has ever spouted such ridiculousness. But I'm glad you like my voice.” He puts his arm around me. My back is ram-rod straight. I don't know if I can take him touching me like it's normal. But I also don't know if I can take it if he doesn't. “You read none of my text messages last night? None?” he asks, looking deeply into my eyes.
“Honest. I turned off my phone. Then the charge died because, yes, I slept some and forgot to deal with it. So I plugged it in the kitchen during breakfast.”
“And?” He raises a brow.
“And because I didn't want to talk to you—or read any more of your writing. That letter was difficult enough for me to handle.”
“You aren't making this very easy on me. Do you want to read what I said on my phone? Now?” he offers, holding up his cell. “Or are you going to make me repeat everything?”
“No matter what you texted me, I won't budge. We're at an impasse. I also brought back your check,” I say. But my resolve is weakening and I am unable to resist settling back against his too comfortable arm.
He sighs, looking frustrated. “Keep the check. For today. Let's just try to hang out minus the money hanging between us. It will be just us. Two people, on a date, at an amusement park. One step at a time. You read the whole letter though. Every word of it?”
“Yes. Every misguided word.” I wonder if he can tell by looking at my face that I read it three thousand, nine hundred and ninety times.
“And you do, don't you? Love me just a little? Because I'll say it again. Right now, to your face. I straight up love you, Jess Jordan. I'll shout it if it will help plead my case. But I have to at least get that point across before one more minute passes.”
My face grows hot as he continues, “Answer. Please. It's important. Everything aside. What's in your heart—how do you feel about me?”
I meet his gaze. “I've had a crush on you from the time you told me about your Star Wars bedroom. And now I love you so much it scares me. Okay?”
“Yes! I'm so happy right now—”
“No. Don't be. It makes me feel terrible, and it doesn't change anything. I won't go out with you. I can't. I can't, and I won't.”
“But you will go out with me today?”
“Yes. But today is in the contract. It's just part of the deal.”
“It's good enough for me.”
“I'm serious. When today's over…we are over. It has to be that way.” I look away from the hurt simmering in his eyes but I soften my tone. “It's too much for me. No matter how much you want it, and even if there are real feelings between us, I can't want this. Yes, I've fallen for you this summer, but I need to un-fall and so do you.”
“Why?”
“We've fallen for something that doesn't exist.”
“Jess…is that what you really believe?”
The sound of his ragged breathing crumbles the rest of my resolve. “No. I don't know what I mean. Let's just get through today, and we'll see,” I say.
He tightens his grip on my shoulders and I cling to him, soaking up his warmth.
“Thank you,” he says, and again his voice sends shivers down my spine.
Chapter Thirty-One
Gray
As Jess sleeps I spend my time going through the various ideas on how I should come clean. My fingers have trailed through her long blonde hair and down the pale warmth of her cheeks until my imagination has gone mad with the smooth feel of her skin. I can't take my eyes off the little twist at the edges of her lips that make her look like she's smiling even when she's asleep.
I long to kiss this girl. I'm drunk on cinnamon and sunshine. On her…on the possibilities of us truly working something out. I've also decided to take my own advice. I will not bring up anything serious until the end of the day.
Us, being together or not, is going on hold for a few hours. When she pulls away and shuts down, it scares the crap out of me. I have this day to make her see, no feel, that we're right together. That breaking apart is the last option.
We pull into the parking lot of ThunderLand and Corey launches his battle cry of summer: “Honey….I'm home!”
Michelle laughs and I roll my eyes. Jess wakes up in my arms and smiles so sweetly, I think I might die. First, from wanting to kiss her even more, and second, from knowing there's a terrible possibility looming over me that I might never have the chance.
I push that second thought aside and stare at her mouth, vowing to kiss this girl at least once today no matter what happens.
“That was fast.” Her sleepy, soft eyes alight with excitement when her gaze takes in the coasters.
“You okay?” I ask, remembering the last time she woke up in front of me.
She grimaces. “Stop fretting over me like an old lady. I don't have bad dreams all the time. I feel great, actually. Let's go!”
We pour out of the van. “My girlfriend rocks for getting us tickets,” Corey shouts, as we head for the gate.
“I can't believe Jess has never been here,” Michelle says as we pick our way through the cars in the giant parking lot. “You're going to love this place. The Funhouse is awesome. And when we're sick of rides we can do the boardwalk games. Corey! I won't rest until these girls are the proud owners of some cheap, over-large, horribly ugly, random stuffed animal. Last year they had giant dragons. Remember?” I ask Corey.
He nods. “Two giant softies for the ladies. I will not fail them.” Corey grins.
“I'll be winning my girl her own hideous animal,” I add.
Michelle hands the tickets to the gate guy. She and Corey are already holding hands, so I take Jess's hand too. I hold it firm in case she tries to pull away. Encouraged when she doesn't, I stop just inside the gate.
“Guys, do you two mind if we split up until lunch? We can meet in the Blue Atrium at noon. You know, the one by the bigger Ferris wheel?” I shoot Jess a wink. “I'm going to trick Jess into going on the couples rides. Alone.”
Corey shoots me a knowing wink. “Heck yes, because I have my own plans. Remember the kiddy Dinosaur Planet Train? Sooner than later, huh Michelle?” He wiggles his eyebrows.
Michelle laughs. “If you don't eat three pounds of Fire Hot Wings first, like you always do, I'm in.”
“You know you love me spicy,” he jokes. “Jess, watch out for Porter. The Fairy Garden is where he leads the ladies into trouble.”
“Nash. No need to give her the game beta. What's wrong with you?”
Jess shoots me a funny look. “Where's that ride?”
“It's not a ride at all. It's a contrived nature trail with all kinds of hidden make-out benches,” Michelle says and jumps on Corey's back. “Now come on, we're wasting ride time.”
Corey grabs onto her legs, keeping her there piggyback. “My woman much cute. Light as feather. Hot like volcano.” He spins her a few times until she cracks up.
“Oh, sexy caveman…do you know where I can find the nearest dinosaur viewing area?”
“Ugga. Buga. Score! No need to ask me twice. See you two at lunch!” He lopes off, Michelle in tow.
Their sudden exit has somehow paralyzed us both. We watch people enter the turnstiles and walk past us. It seems we can't look at each other, but at least she hasn't dropped my hand yet.
“Well—wow. This is supremely awkward, huh?” Jess says, finally.
I swallow. “I didn
't mean it about getting you on the couples rides. I was just trying to get rid of them.”
“Oh, I know that. I know. Yeah.”
“Unless you want to?” I offer with a small, teasing smile. Only I'm not teasing.
That did it…she dropped my hand. I'm an idiot. I wonder if she'll finally punch me like I deserve.
Instead, she looks me straight in the eyes without a blink and says, “Let's start with some rides first.”
Chapter Thirty-Two
Jess
The coaster roars past our place in line and we watch the people scream as they're dropped down a small set of hills and dips.
“Girl, do you ever make up for lost time. After that last ride, I'm not at all psyched to get on this again.”
I laugh at Gray's pained expression. “Last time. Swear. Then I'll do the Pirate Boat, even though it's just a big, fancy, baby swing. Deal?”
“Done. But stop making fun of my favorite ride.” He steps closer from behind and grabs me around the waist gently.
I smile and lean back against him, loving the way he feels so strong and solid.
We'd ridden all the bigger rides in the park and every coaster at least twice. ThunderRoad, the one we're lined up for now, is best because of the creaking sound the wood structure makes as the cars fly down the tracks.
My least favorite ride so far is the Chicken Drop. A three story, rectangular metal coop that draws about twenty-five riders up and up in a metal cage.
Up means, two hundred feet WAY up. All while chickens cluck in the speakers by your ears every second.
At the top, a whiny farmer voice screeches, “Everyone knows chicken's can't fly! Good luck cluckers!” The entire coop is then released into a free fall device that catches all the screaming, half dead, heart attacked chickens back down at the bottom. But not until it's flipped you upside down and dropped hay on your head.
Gray, who'd known full well how terrible that ride was, had laughed at my pasty faced, unable-to-walk reaction afterwards. But he'd also taken me to a bench and held me, wrapped in his arms until I stopped threatening to murder him.
