by Jill Shalvis
“No, I don’t. As for a time frame, I simply don’t know. All I do know is that I’m not prepared to continue our…whatever you want to call it now. And naturally I don’t expect you to wait around until I figure out when I might be ready.”
Anger and hurt warred inside him. The determined look in her eyes made it clear there was no point in arguing further. “So that’s it. You don’t want us to see each other anymore.”
“It’s for the best.”
A humorless sound escaped him. Best for her, obviously. At least he hadn’t admitted the depth of his feelings to her. Hadn’t made that big an ass out of himself.
“I…I’m sorry, Brad. I hope you understand.”
“Don’t worry. You’ve made yourself perfectly clear.” Throat tight, he nodded toward the counter. “Guess you’d better get back to work, and I need to get to the station. Merry Christmas, Toni.” Yeah. Merry damn Christmas.
Without waiting for a reply, he pulled open the door and quickly strode toward his pickup, feeling…gutted. How was it possible to feel so angry and so numb at the same time? And how long would it take to repair a broken heart?
He already knew the answer. It was going to take a damn long time.
O N C HRISTMAS MORNING , Toni woke up in her old room at her parents’ house and stared at the skeins of sunlight peeking through the curtains. The muted sounds of breakfast filtered up the stairs, the coffee grinder humming, her mother’s and grandmother’s voices. Probably they were arguing over whether to brew decaf or regular. Or whether the eggs should be scrambled or fried. She pictured her dad, sitting in his favorite chair, working a crossword puzzle, oblivious to the disagreement taking place no more than ten feet away from him.
With a sigh, she sat up on the edge of the mattress then pushed back the tangle of flattened curls clinging to her face. She didn’t need a mirror to know she looked like roadkill. Which was really only fitting as she felt like roadkill. Actually, she felt like the potholed, weather-scarred, oil-stained street underneath the squashed, rotting roadkill.
Setting her elbows on her knees, she rested her dully aching head in her hands and closed her eyes. And found herself fighting to hold back the tears that had threatened to spill over ever since Brad had walked out of Blooming Pails and her life yesterday morning. For there was no doubt he was gone from her life for good. The look on his face when she’d told him she didn’t expect him to wait around for her was branded on her brain. That combination of anger and hurt made it clear he had no intention of waiting around. Or of bothering with her again.
Toni tried to summon annoyance at herself for feeling so weepy-it was ridiculous. She was glad he was gone. She’d wanted him to go. She’d made the right decision. The last thing she needed right now was a distracting man. He’d pressured her with invitations to meet his family and to put an end date on how much time she needed. Her concerns about her business and the potentially damaging mistake she’d made were reasonable and dammit, he’d been unreasonable. And to top it all off, he was a firefighter. Although she honestly hadn’t given much thought to his occupation over the last few days.
So, if she’d made the right decision, why did she feel so…wrong? So…numb?
So devastated.
Exhaustion, obviously. Yesterday, after fulfilling Saint Mary’s order-with an entire four minutes to spare before the church van arrived-she’d endured a hectic day at the shop. Yet in spite of the busy whirlwind, Brad had never left her thoughts. So that’s it. You don’t want us to see each other anymore. She’d never forget the shattering sense of loss that had hit her when he’d walked away. There could be no doubt he’d cared for her. And had wanted to continue their…whatever it was. Friendship. Relationship. Sexual escapades.
She squeezed her eyes tighter shut. She’d gone to their first “little dinner” anticipating one night of no-strings sex. But somehow, some way, in spite of her not wanting it to, their time together had turned into more than just sex. Are you prepared to look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t have any feelings for me…
She hadn’t been able to. Had admitted she liked him-
A bitter sound that was half laugh, half sob escaped her. Liked him? God, she should be handed an Academy Award for delivering that line with a straight face. Like was an incredibly tepid word to describe the maelstrom of feelings Brad inspired in her. Feelings that she wanted, needed to forget. Feelings she despaired of being able to forget. If only she’d met him six months, a year from now. Once Blooming Pails was established and her stomach wasn’t tied in knots over bank evaluations. Of course, she didn’t doubt for an instant that in six months he’d have someone else. Some other extremely lucky woman. A woman Toni already hated. The thought of him touching someone else filled her with a despair she could only describe as agonizing. And the thought of another man touching her simply didn’t compute.
The sound of dishes clanging and raised female voices intermixed with Italian words reached her ears and she groaned. How she was going to face another big family dinner today she didn’t know. Last night’s had just about done her in. In spite of her best efforts to act cheerfully, her mother, sister and Nana Rose all had zeroed in on her misery like wolves around a fresh kill. Her refusal to open her personal life for their examination had only increased their curiosity, which had led to the usual pattern of a bombardment of questions followed by the piling on of guilt-not only for not answering their nosy questions, but also for not getting married and having babies. All that fun was finished off by one of her mother’s hysterical outbursts that all this upset-which Toni had naturally caused by not offering up her personal life for the family’s consumption along with the Italian seafood feast-had cast a pall on the entire evening.
Yup, just another jolly holiday with the fam.
Normally she could handle it, but right now she just didn’t feel capable of doing anything save pulling the covers over her head and praying for this aching sense of loss clawing at her to go away. For the question that kept reverberating through her mind to cease its echoing. The question she was sickly afraid to ask herself.
Had she made a mistake?
Yes, her inner voice instantly answered. A big, fat whopper of a huge mistake. He’s a great guy and you’re an idiot for letting him go. So the timing’s bad-so what? Deal with it. A guy like Brad comes around once. And you’re an idiot.
“Argh!” Hoping to dislodge that stupid voice, she fisted her hands in her rat’s-nest hair and yanked. All she got was more dull throbbing in her head.
Not ready to go downstairs and face whatever drama was occurring there, she decided a shower was her best bet. She rose and was digging through her overnight bag for her shower gel when her cell phone rang, the ring tone indicating the caller was Jayne.
She briefly considered not answering it-Jayne had already given her hell yesterday for cutting Brad loose and she simply wasn’t up to another episode of Are You Crazy?
But ignoring the call on Christmas was too bah, humbug, so she picked up the phone from the night table.
“Merry Christmas,” she said, plopping back onto the edge of the bed. “Was Santa good to you?”
“Toni…have you seen the news?”
Something in Jayne’s voice made her tighten her grip on the phone. “No. I just woke up. What’s wrong?”
“I just saw it on TV. A fire. Late last night at a warehouse in Ocean Harbor Beach. Two firefighters were injured and taken by ambulance to the hospital.”
Toni’s heart lurched into her throat. “Brad?” she whispered, her entire body icy with sudden fear. Dear God, no. But she knew perfectly well how dangerous firefighting was. And how that danger could be increased if the mind and body weren’t totally focused on the task at hand. Brad had looked tired and had been upset about what had happened between them…had he lost his focus because of that? Had his mind wandered, leaving him vulnerable to mistakes? One that could have led to injury?
“I don’t know-their names haven’t been
released. I thought you’d want to know. Maybe call him.”
“Y-yes, of course. I’ll do that.”
“Call me and let me know if you find out anything.”
“I will. You, too.”
She snapped the phone shut and pressed her hands against her churning stomach. Dear God. He had to be all right. Had to be. Every time a firefighter was called to duty they risked injury and even death. But the rewards…helping people, saving lives, tipped the scales. Made the risks worthwhile. She understood all too well what drove Brad to be a firefighter. But the thought of him injured-or worse-rendered her unable to catch her breath.
She glanced at the clock-10:00 a.m. Brad’s shift had ended three hours ago. Murmuring fervent prayers that he was all right, she dialed his home phone which clicked immediately to voice mail. She listened to his recorded message and the sound of his voice brought tears to her eyes. Dear God, what if he was one of the injured firefighters? She couldn’t bring herself to carry that question any further. After leaving a brief message to please call her right away, she dialed his cell phone. Once again his voice mail came on and again she left a message.
The instant she clicked her phone shut, Toni began tossing her things into her overnight bag. She needed answers. Now. And they weren’t here in Santa Barbara.
10
I NSISTENT POUNDING and buzzing sounds roused Brad from a deep sleep. With a groan he lifted one heavy eyelid. Bright sunshine filtered through the blinds, slipping over his bed where he sprawled facedown-in the exact position he’d fallen after he’d dragged his exhausted ass home after a long, tension-fraught shift.
He tried to ignore the noise, but it quickly became apparent whoever was banging on his door and leaning on the doorbell wasn’t going to give up.
With a muttered curse and a herculean effort he pushed himself up, wincing at the stiffness in his neck. Since he’d only managed to toe off his sneakers before collapsing onto the bed, he was already fully dressed. Good thing, because he wasn’t operating on enough cylinders to do anything as complicated as pulling on a pair of jeans.
“All right, all right,” he grumbled, making his way to the foyer. “I’m coming.” More than a little annoyed, he yanked open the door. “What do you…” His voice trailed off at the sight of Toni. Toni, who sported a wicked case of bedhead, no makeup and tear-streaked cheeks.
Damn, but she was gorgeous.
She stepped into the foyer, teasing his senses with the scent of flowers that always came with her. He closed the door and turned to face her. One look at her and all the anger he’d felt the day before faded away. He wasn’t sure why she was here, but whatever the reason, he was damn glad for it. Her gaze zoomed over him, then her bottom lip trembled and two fat tears dripped from her huge eyes. “You’re okay,” she said in a shaky voice.
“I’m glad you think so. I think you’re okay, too. Better than okay actually, but-”
“I mean, you’re not hurt. You weren’t injured in the fire last night.”
Understanding dawned. “No. It was two other guys. But they’re both fine-treated and released.”
She briefly closed her eyes. “Thank God. I called the hospital but they wouldn’t tell me anything, so I came here. I can’t tell you how relieved I was to see your pickup in the driveway.” She pulled in an unsteady breath. “When I heard about the injured firefighters I thought…” She swallowed and another pair of tears dribbled downward. “I had a terrible feeling it was you. I was so afraid.”
“I’m fine. But I appreciate the concern.” The fact that she was here, had been worried about him, ignited hope that only hours ago had been dead. Reaching out, he brushed his fingers over her wet cheeks, a gesture that only served to bring on a fresh onslaught of tears. “Hey,” he said, feeling masculine panic edging in. “No crying. Seriously. House rules.”
A sob escaped her, followed by another. “Ah, hell, Toni, don’t do that.” But clearly it was too late because in a heartbeat she was crying in earnest. An anguished sound escaped her and she erased the distance between them. Her arms went around his waist and she buried her head against his chest and cried as if her heart were breaking.
Feeling utterly helpless, but glad for any excuse to hold her, he drew her tighter into his embrace and gently rubbed her back.
“Shh,” he murmured against her wildly messed hair. “I’m fine. Completely fine. All in one piece.” Several minutes passed, then, unable to take it anymore, he cupped her face in his hands and leaned back. “Toni, sweetheart, please stop crying. You’re killing me.”
She looked up him with those big wet brown eyes, and whatever tiny piece of his heart she hadn’t already owned was instantly deeded to her.
She gave a big sniffle then said, “I’m an idiot.”
He couldn’t stop the quick laugh that escaped him. “You are not.”
“I am. I pushed you away and that makes me an idiot. A miserable idiot. I didn’t know it was possible to hurt so much until you walked away yesterday morning. And then again this morning-when I thought you were hurt. That’s when I realized it.”
“Realized what?”
“That I’m an idiot.” She framed his face between her palms. “I’m sorry. So sorry. I do care about you. So much it scares me. In the interest of full disclosure, I need to tell you I’ve never felt this way about anyone. Ever.”
Brad closed his eyes for several seconds, letting the relief rushing through him wash away the pain and hurt that had been crushing his chest. “In the interest of full disclosure, I can only say I’m really glad and relieved that it’s not just me.”
She rested one hand on his chest, right over the spot where his heart thudded hard and fast. “When I made the mistake with the order…I felt everything I’d been fighting for and working so hard for slipping away and I panicked. I believed the only solution was to push you away. So I did. And nothing, ever, made me more unhappy.”
He brushed his thumbs over her wet cheeks then leaned down and kissed her very gently. “I’m glad.”
“That I was unhappy?”
“Yes. Because if you’d been happy, then you wouldn’t be here right now.”
She considered, then nodded. “True. In that case I’ll forgive you for being glad I was sad.”
His lips twitched. “Thank you.” Then Brad sobered. “I owe you an apology, too. I know I was rushing things, pushing you, and I’m sorry. I tried not to, but Toni…everything with you just felt so…right. But I can back off. We’ll take things as slowly as you want. And you can have as much time as you need. You’re worth the wait.”
She laid her hand against his cheek. “Thank you. But I’ve realized I don’t want or need time. Yesterday, when you asked me what I wanted for my life outside Blooming Pails-the question startled me. Made me realize I hadn’t allowed myself to think about anything other than my business. So I took some time and thought about it. And I realized I want companionship. With someone honest and kind. I want someone to share my life and hopes and dreams with. Someone to laugh with. Someone who makes me feel needed. Wanted. Who I need and want.” She stroked her fingers over his stubbled jaw. “Turns out that except for the firefighter thing, you are exactly what I want. And it turns out, I can live with the firefighter thing.”
Heat, and something else, something deeper, glowed in his eyes. “You have no idea how glad I am to hear that.”
“And I want you to know that I would have come to my senses eventually-like by the end of the day. I was halfway there already. But when I heard about the injured firefighters, it made me realize right then and there that I’d been-”
“An idiot?”
“Yes.” She narrowed her eyes. “Are you going to rub my nose in that?”
He smiled at her disgruntled expression. “Nah. I’m just glad you figured it out sooner rather than later.” He leaned in for another kiss, one he meant to be light, but that quickly turned into a passionate, tongue-dancing exchange. When he lifted his head, they were both breathi
ng hard.
“Brad…what would you say if I asked if it’s possible to fall in love in a week?”
Happiness filled all the spaces inside him that only yesterday had been rendered numb. “I’d say that since you’re asking a guy who fell in love three months ago in the span of about one minute, yeah, a week is definitely possible.”
Her gaze searched his. “If the invitation is still open, I’d like to join you and your family for Christmas dinner.”
His heart performed a somersault-like maneuver. “The invitation is still open,” he assured her. “But they’re going to think you’re my girlfriend.”
“Which is better than what you’d get from my family. You’d be interrogated by my mother, sister and Nana like a murder suspect, and be on the receiving end of multiple death stares from my brothers.”
“No problem. I don’t scare easily.”
“So I’ve noticed. Just one of the things I love about you.” She smiled. “One of the many things. And about your family thinking I’m your girlfriend…I’d like to be. If you’ll have me, in spite of the crazy hours I’ll need to put in at Blooming Pails until who-knows-when.”
“If I’ll have you? If I’ll have you?” He picked her up and twirled her around until she squealed. After setting her back on her feet, he grabbed her hand and led her into the kitchen. “If I’ll have you?” he repeated, shaking his head. “Crazy woman.” He opened the drawer where he kept his receipts and sifted through several pieces of paper before finding what he wanted.
“Take a look at this, Miss If-You’ll-Have-Me.”
“What is it?”
“Something I wrote after our first ‘one little dinner.’ I’d mentioned my Christmas list, so the next day, I actually wrote one.” He handed her the paper.
“‘My Grown-up Christmas List,’” she read. Then her eyes widened. “The only thing on this list is my name.”
“Twenty times,” he agreed. “’Cause all I wanted for Christmas was you.”
A smile bloomed across her face. “Be careful what you wish for, Mr. December. Looks like you’re getting it.”
