by Lynn, Stacey
I reach my condo late at night. Kicking off my shoes at the door and setting down my suitcase and purse, I look around and wish, for possibly the hundredth time since leaving L.A. I could hop on a plane and head straight back. Everything in my condo represents my life when I was afraid to move on. Knowing I have Zack waiting for me makes me want to pitch it all and leave without ever looking back at the person I was in my grief.
I still can’t believe how deeply Zack has become a part of me. But in times like this, it’s overwhelming in the best way possible to know how much he loves me. Just thinking of him brings a smile to my face.
I send a text to him.
Home safe. Miss you already. Luv you
He responds almost immediately. I giggle at the thought that he’s been sitting around doing nothing except waiting for me to send a message. I’m sure he wasn’t, but it still makes me smile.
I started missing you before your plane even took off. Hurry home.
Home. To Zack. My smile grows even bigger. But then I start feeling stupid smiling to myself all alone in my condo so I stop. And look around some more. It’s late, and the last thing I want to do is start packing.
Instead, I call my mom. She agrees to come over the next day and start helping me pack everything I will need to take to L.A. Since most of my stuff was furniture and bigger items, I have decided to just donate everything.
I make another mental note to call my realtor in the morning to see if there has been any interest on the showings lately. I doubt it. The housing market is still horrible and winter is the worst time to sell a house, especially a condo, in Minnesota. It doesn’t matter much, really. I’m using the same realtor I used just a few months ago when I bought the place so I’m familiar with her and trust her judgment. I won’t be surprised if the condo sits empty for several months, but that’s okay. I have the money to pay the mortgage even if I’m not living here.
She assures me activity will increase after the first of the year like it usually does. Due to the holiday week, we can’t find a donation store that’s available to pick up my furniture before Christmas, so my mom promises to handle it the following week. No big deal.
***
I stare at my living room, covered in packed boxes and Christmas wrapping paper and take a break from wrapping my last few remaining presents. I celebrated Christmas with my parents and Mia earlier, and tomorrow Mia and I are flying to California to celebrate Christmas with Zack and Chase. Zack’s mom and sister will be there and I can’t wait to see them. And then Mia is moving to New York.
I am leaving my parents, and my entire past life behind, in Minnesota. Sure I’ll come back to visit…obviously. But a new page is being turned and I am currently alone in my condo for the last time with a mixture of emotions flowing through me.
Thrilled beyond belief and scared beyond measure.
I take another sip of my wine and turn up the Christmas music. I need to get out of my funk and start counting down the hours until my plane lands in Los Angeles and I can be in Zack’s arms again because I know as soon as I see him smile and hold me, everything will be completely right.
I smile as I begin wrapping his Christmas present. It isn’t anything big, and I racked my head for weeks trying to find the perfect gift for him. It was finally delivered this morning from an online music dealer I found. It is a single vinyl record of the Rolling Stones song “Good times, bad times.” The gift itself isn’t anything particularly special or expensive, even if it was hard to find. But the song reminds Zack of his grandpa, and I love the lyrics about love and trust. He has an LP player in his playroom out in L.A. and I know he’ll love the original vinyl over a DVD or download.
I smile even larger when my phone starts ringing, the lyrics of Zack’s current number one hit Some Day, overpowers Joy to the World currently playing on my stereo.
I turn down the music and answer the phone. “Hey handsome, I was just thinking about you.” The sigh that comes through the other line is not him. I freeze instantly.
“Hello?” I ask slowly, hoping to disguise the instant shaking in my voice.
“Nicole?” It’s a woman. A female voice I don’t recognize. I say nothing.
But she does.
“It’s Rachel McAllister.”
My stomach drops to my knees. Thank god I’m already sitting down or I would probably fall over in shock. Why is she calling? Whatever the reason, there can be no good news for me. “Yes?” My voice instantly hard.
“It’s Zack.”
Oh god. What is going on? My living room starts to spin. “Why do you have his phone?”
“I’m sorry to call.”
“Sure you are. Why do you have Zack’s phone?” I repeat.
“There’s been a car accident.”
And my world begins to end. An accident. Zack was in an accident. Not another accident. My breath instantly starts coming out in short little spurts. All I can think about and see are flashbacks to the pictures shown to me of Mark’s car the night of his accident. Flipped over and completely crushed by the final impact. Not a single window left intact. Andrew’s car seat flown from the vehicle.
I have to get a grip on myself. This is Zack. Not Mark. This isn’t happening to me again. It can’t be.
“Why do you have his phone, Rachel?” I don’t understand why this question is so damn important to me. But why isn’t she answering it?
“I’m sorry, Nicole. He was with me before. He’s hurt bad. You need to get here.”
Zack was with Rachel? That can’t be true. He promised me he wouldn’t see her. A mix of pure terror and doubt instantly flood me. She warned me he’d come back to her. He had promised to stay away, and he didn’t. And he was in an accident.
Not Zack, too. It’s all I can think. Please, not Zack, too.
I take a deep breath.
“I see.” What did I see? That he was with her? I could see that he was okay? My own sentence made no sense to me as it left my mouth. “Where is he?”
“Olympia Medical Center in L.A.,” she responds solemnly. “I’m sorry.”
I hang up the phone before I faint. I need Mia.
My fingers shake so badly I can barely hold the phone as I call her number. Fortunately she answers immediately. I am gasping for breath and barely hanging on when her perky voice comes on the line.
“Mia….” It’s all I can get out. My voice is raspy and barely audible even to my own ears. Before I can even ask for help I hear the sound of her keys jiggling.
“I’m on my way, now. I’ll be there in ten minutes. What’s going on?”
“Zack. Rachel called. Something about a car accident. I have to get L.A.” I’m surprised she can even understand me through the ragged breathing.
A curse flies threw her lips. “How bad?”
“I don’t know. She just said he was at the hospital and in bad shape. He was with Rachel, Mia.” She understands my fear. My pain. I love her for it.
“We’ll get it figured out. There has to be an explanation and it can’t be what you’re imagining right now.”
“You have no idea what I’m imagining.” If I could think hard enough to feel bad for snapping at my best friend, I would have, but I just can’t.
She takes a deep breath. Her voice is instantly calming and helps my own breathing slow down some. “Yeah, I do, Nic. He wouldn’t do anything with her. It’s Zack, the man who loves you, it will be okay. Pack a bag. I’ll come get you and we can get on a flight. I’ll call right now and see what we can do.”
“Call Chase.”
“I will. Hang in there, I’ll be to your place soon.”
Not even ten minutes later, Mia busts through the door to my condo and throws her arms around me. I drop the bag I somehow managed to pack, thankful I left most of my clothes out in L.A.
I fall to my knees once in her embrace and sob. I cry for fear of Zack, for my own personal hell being thrown back in my face all over again, and I cry out of terror that I had already lost
Zack, to Rachel of all people. He was with her. I can’t stop the thought from flying across my mind like a ticker on the bottom of the television during a natural disaster. Mia says nothing. She just holds me and lets me sob until I am able to think and breathe again. I wipe my tears minutes or hours later and slowly pull back, still sitting on the floor.
“Did you talk to Chase?” I ask quietly.
She nods and gives the slightest possible smile. “He’s in bad shape, but they think he’ll make it okay. He has a broken leg, some broken ribs, and some head trauma. They’ve put him in a medical induced coma until the swelling goes down and they’ll slowly bring him out of it.”
I stop hearing anything she said after the word ‘coma.’ I don’t even think I nod in response or look at her, or do anything, really.
“Did he know about Rachel?”
Mia’s sigh doesn’t help. “He had no clue, except that she was with him at the hospital. She left when Chase and Jake got there. Garrett and Chloe are on their way, too. There has to be an explanation, and we’ll figure it out, but we have to get going.”
I shrug my shoulders but still can’t look at her. I want to believe it too, but still, he lied. And why would he lie if he didn’t have anything to hide? We just talked a few hours earlier and he never said anything about seeing her. Was this the first time? Was it all an act when we were at Rue21? It couldn’t have been. His anger at her was real. I just don’t know what to think except I know I have to see him.
But will he want to see me?
Mia continues softly. “Chase called some pilots. We have a chartered plane waiting for us whenever we can get to the airport. I wasn’t able to get a commercial flight out tonight.”
I simply nod and let her help me stand and follow her out of the condo, locking it behind me. It doesn’t even occur to me at that moment that the Christmas gifts for him and his mom and sister are still sitting on my living room floor.
***
The flight takes forever. Maybe only about three hours, in reality, but it feels like I will never hear the pilot come over the speakers saying we’re beginning our descent into LAX. I haven’t said a word the entire flight. Mia sits next to me while I stare out the window with her hand firmly holding onto mine.
I spend the flight lost in my thoughts that move from fear, terror, pain, rage, doubt, disbelief, and several others. All I can think of and replay are all the memories I have of Zack since I met him. The first night at the restaurant when I didn’t understand how I could even begin to be interested in looking at a handsome man, the way he refused to let me go when I left Philly, his warmth surrounding me at the cemetery when I introduced him to Mark and Andrew. I had let someone in.
I think of how, when I look at him and he smiles at me, the entire world seems to disappear, and how his hand on my lower back is the most comforting feeling to me. It always makes me feel safe and protected and loved. He makes me feel protected and loved. Is it all coming to an end?
I don’t notice the tears falling down my cheeks until Mia wipes them away with a tissue. She says nothing as she watches me stare out the window into the pitch black sky. It’s exactly how I feel right now. Completely darkened.
It can’t all be over. How did I let myself fall in love again only to have it end in lies or another accident? My forehead presses against the glass as more sobs escape my throat. A car accident. I try to close my eyes and wish this pain all away. The fear, the doubt, the worry, but it won’t leave.
Instead all I see are images of broken cars and blankets covering those I love most. I’m confused and I’m scared, but Zack has to be okay. I can’t lose someone else I love like this.
Pain and fear grip me at the thought that I will lose him, or that I already have. He may come out of the accident okay, but will we? I want to trust him, trust in us, and what we have together but I also know we moved so fast. And I of all people, know that forever doesn’t always mean, forever.
Mia’s quiet voice breaks my thoughts once the plane lands and begins its taxi down the runway. “Jake is meeting us. Chase wanted to stay at the hospital in case anything happens.”
I nod, but keep my gaze out the window, seeing only the flashing lights along the runways in the night sky. I have no clue what time it is. It was seven o’clock, I think, when Rachel called me. Three hours on a plane, plus a time difference – my brain is too exhausted to do the math. But I try to focus on random math thoughts and guessing the time to prevent myself from looking at Mia. I know if I do, I will completely breakdown and I’m not ready to fully give in to all the thoughts and worries crushing my chest.
“He wouldn’t cheat on you,” her quiet voice says again. I know she’s trying to be reassuring, I also know I don’t want to keep talking about this. I ignore her and let my lack of response be a response in itself.
For the first time since I have met him, Jake isn’t wearing a smile the size of Texas when he greets us as we step off the plane. His firm hug brings minimal comfort. I stand in his arms, but can’t find the energy to return his hug.
His strong but solemn voice whispers into my hair as he holds me. “He’s going to be just fine, Nic. He really is.”
I nod and pull back just enough to look up at him. “Is there any news?”
“His leg is going to be okay, he broke his fibula, the smaller bone, on his left leg. He’ll get it casted tomorrow, and he has a few broken ribs on his left side that should heal on their own. He got done with a CAT scan and MRI a couple hours ago. There’s swelling on his brain from….” His voice breaks and drifts off and I realize I’m not the only one hurting and scared. I may love Zack, but Jake and the other guys have known him for years. They are his friends; his brothers. Jake is just as scared as me.
I squeeze Jake’s hand trying to give him the courage to continue. He shakes his head trying to clear his own horrible thoughts, and sighs deeply before finishing.
“He was at Rachel’s house. She tricked him into going there, and had scheduled some paparazzi to show up to catch him leaving.”
I gasp in horror. She did what? It’s absolutely unbelievable. I knew she was evil, but purposefully tricking him?
“Yeah, she’s a piece of work. Anyway, according to her, she thought if she could get photos of him leaving her place that you’d find out, and well, leave him.” He looks completely broken and ashamed that he’s the one who has to tell me this story. I don’t blame him one bit.
I drop my hands and clench them into fists so tightly I can feel my nails breaking the skin on my palms. My entire body starts shaking with rage at the lengths this wretched woman will go to.
“What else?” I’m too furious to say any more, but I have to know what happened.
“He figured it out and left as the photographers were pulling up to her place, he took off and they chased him. He took a curve too fast, slammed into a guardrail and flipped his car.”
I hold up my hand to stop him. I don’t need, or want, to hear anything more. Rachel caused this. Surprisingly, I am not relieved yet at all, to learn that Zack was not in fact cheating on me with her. But now, I am much – much – too pissed at this woman and what her selfishness has done. I don’t realize Mia’s hand is grasping my arm until I feel her pulling me into the car. I say nothing on the way to the hospital, I’m not sure if they do either, but if Mia and Jake speak I am too lost in my visions of how to torture Rachel with my own bare hands to hear anything they say.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Once at the hospital, Jake ushers us up to the waiting room on the second floor. I fall into Melody’s arms and begin sobbing immediately. All the emotions I have held in for hours are released as his mom’s arms comfort me just like my own mom’s would have. We say nothing as she holds me tightly and just rocks me in her arms.
“He’s going to be okay.” Her words soothe me like no one else’s could have in this moment. She is strong. I want to be strong, but I can’t. Not yet. She has no idea the hell I am re-living thinking a
nother car accident.
“I can’t lose him, too. Not like this.” I continue to sob into the woman’s shoulder as she slowly guides me down into a chair never loosening her grip around me.
“I know,” she soothes into my ear, “but he’ll make it.”
I slowly pull back from her and wipe my tears. Jake sits next to me, his arms resting on his knees, his head dropped down. Garrett holds much the same position across from me, with Chloe next to him, one arm wrapped around him, holding him close. I can’t even smile at her, although I’m glad she’s here, too. She nods slightly at me as if she knows what I’m thinking. I look up to Sammy and smile pathetically. She looks completely lost just standing there, her pixy-like bright personality replaced with utter worry. I slowly walk to her, hugging her when I reach her. I know how much Zack means to her. He’s the most important guy in her life, and I realize we’re all hurting and scared in our own ways. This isn’t just about me and my own fear, and I have to be stronger than I currently feel.
“Hi,” I say meekly as we wrap our arms each other. I sit back down by Melody as Sammy takes the chair on the other side. I lift my eyes to Mia who sits directly across from me. Chase’s arm wraps protectively around her. With his head leaning against her temple, I can tell he is whispering something but I hear nothing. Her tired eyes are focused directly on me filled with worry about how I am handling all this.
I lean back and close my eyes and let the events of the last several hours flood through me. I grip the arms of my chair as visions of Mark and Andrew’s accident flash into my mind. It’s all I have seen and relived so painfully since I hung up on Rachel but I can’t stop them. Sobs break through me again but I can’t stop the memories and terror I felt not too long ago. I fall forward into Mia’s arms. “I can’t do this again. Mark…”
“Zack isn’t Mark,” she whispers to me assuredly. “This is different, Nic. Just keep telling yourself. This is different. He’ll be okay.”
Jake moves his arm and rests it strongly across my shoulders. I don’t move from either of them. They love me, like I love Zack and I don’t want to turn away from the warmth and comfort their arms provide me. All conversation stops as we sit huddled in the stark white waiting room sitting in uncomfortable plastic chairs. You’d really think hospitals would at least make these rooms comfortable for the scared and tired people who spent so many hours in them. They remind me of the uncomfortable plastic egg chair in Zack’s studio lounge room and I choke back another sob as I remember everything that happened that day. The day he asked me to move in with him.
