by Mia Hoddell
“Please don’t tease me.”
I quirked an eyebrow at her and pressed my fingers against her harder, dipping into her through the material. “Take off your bra.”
She hurried to comply, hurling the garment blindly across the room. When she collapsed back against the mattress I lowered my mouth to her sex.
She writhed beneath me as I sucked on her through her panties.
“I want you inside me, Dustin.”
With a growl I drew myself up, my hands flying to my jeans. I dipped my hand into my pocket for my wallet and paused when I came up empty. All I had were my keys.
Damn it.
“Condom,” I hissed.
Tazia shook her head. “I don’t have any.”
“Are you on anything?” I was dangerously close to losing it.
Tazia shook her head again and I bit back my frustrated cry. It took all of my willpower to re-button my jeans and Tazia pouted up at me.
“I’ll be back in a second.” I literally ran from the room, hurrying back to my flat to grab a few from my bedside drawer—because one wasn’t going to cut it.
It took me less than a minute and when I returned Tazia was exactly where I left her, except for one difference.
She’d lost her panties.
I swallowed hard at the sight of her lean body spread out before me. She wasn’t posing for me, and still she oozed sexiness.
“Are you going to stare at me all night, or are you going to finish what you started?” Her eyes dropped to my groin and my cock jerked. I threw the condoms down on the bed beside her and tore off my jeans. Placing my knee between her legs I forced her to part them wider as I prowled up her body.
I tweaked her nipple, lowering my mouth to hers. “Finish? I’m just getting started and we’ve got all night, babe.”
Chapter
Twenty-Three
Tazia
Dustin hadn’t been kidding. I awoke to feather kisses trailing down my spine and a pleasurable ache between my legs. I inhaled deeply, stretching lazily, and shuffled back into Dustin’s chest.
His morning stubble grazed my shoulder and he draped an arm over my stomach to draw me even further into him. “Morning.”
I hummed sleepily and wiggled my ass against him. I could feel his morning erection nestled against me and he let out a guttural groan.
“Don’t, Taz.” His hand dropped to my hip to still me. Not that it stopped me from trying. I wriggled against him, eliciting another grunt.
“Seriously, babe. We don’t have any condoms left.” His husky and deep voice dampened his protest.
“Fine.” With a huff I stilled and Dustin chuckled into my neck.
“I promise I’ll go to the store later.”
I twisted in his arms until we were face-to-face. Reaching up, I brushed his hair from his forehead, studying it as it flopped back into place. “You’d better.”
“I’m a guy, Taz. If there’s one thing I’m not going to put off, it’s going to the store for condoms.”
I lowered my hand between us, glancing at him deviously as I circled his shaft. “That doesn’t mean we can’t do other things.”
He fell onto his back with a hiss. “Oh fuck.”
When I ran my thumb over the tip of his cock his hips jerked and his eyes rolled back into his head.
I ran my hand up and down his length, relishing in the fact his body was completely at my mercy.
I slid to my knees and crawled down the bed. Dustin’s eyes snapped open and his hand flew to grip my forearm.
“Don’t.” The word came out strained, like it had taken all of his willpower to force it out.
“Why not?”
“Because if you do that I’m not going to be able to hold back.”
I trailed a finger along the underside of his cock. “That’s kind of the point.”
“Christ,” he muttered, the sound muffled by the arm he’d thrown over his face.
I dipped my head, about to take him in my mouth when he hauled me up so I was level with him. Holding my chin between his thumb and forefinger he gazed at me lustfully. “When I come I want it to be in you.”
“You don’t look like you mean that.” I slanted my mouth over his. “And technically coming in my mouth is inside of me.”
His chest rose and fell rapidly beneath me. “Are you trying to kill me?”
“No, I’m trying to give you a blow job,” I deadpanned.
Faster than I thought possible Dustin slid out of bed. Grabbing my ankles, he hauled me to the edge of the mattress and picked me up. My legs circled him and my arms locked around his neck as he carried me into the bathroom.
“We’re having shower sex?” I giggled against his neck, feeling his groan more than hearing it.
“You seriously need to shut up.”
I pulled back to stare at him while he focused on switching on the water. “Why? We’re in the bathroom, both naked. It’s the only logical conclusion.”
“You’re insatiable. We’re not having shower sex. I told you we’re out of condoms.”
“Like you don’t want it too. You’re as bad as me.”
“Maybe, but I’m the one showing some restraint.”
I wriggled from his grasp, deliberately sliding down his body so he felt every one of my curves. “What are we doing then?”
“We’re both going to take a cold shower.”
I backed away shaking my head. “Oh hell no. No way are you getting me in there if it’s cold.”
“Want to bet?” Dustin reached for me, catching my wrist when I made an attempt to flee. He spun me back into him and squeezed my body against his chest. Tighter than a boa constrictor, his arms locked around me and he picked me up so my toes skimmed the floor.
He pulled open the shower door and I squealed. I endeavoured to push back against him, yet it was futile. I struggled in his grip in a last ditch attempt to free myself as he stepped into the cubicle.
The icy lashings of water cascaded down on top of me and I shrieked like a banshee.
I clung to Dustin, stealing as much of his body heat as possible. “I hate you.”
His chest rumbled with his laugh. “Want me to wash your back?”
“N-n-no.” My teeth started chattering. I had a lot less body fat and muscle than Dustin so the cold penetrated my skin to reach my bones faster.
“Still feel like fucking me?”
“Don’t be a jerk,” I snapped, pulling away and crossing my arms over my breasts. Goosebumps prickled my skin and I shivered.
“Come here.” Dustin drew me to him with one hand; the other reached behind him and twisted the temperature gauge. Gradually the water warmed and when I finally stopped trembling he let me go.
“Better?”
I glowered. “You’re still an ass, but yes that’s better.”
“Good. Now turn around so I can wash your hair.”
* * *
I finally made the decision to let Dustin in while he washed my hair. His touch must have had some kind of magical power because as he ran his fingers over my scalp and massaged in the shampoo everything seemed clearer.
Maybe it had been the sex.
I felt connected to Dustin more than I ever had, and the feelings I had for him were stronger than anything I’d felt for anyone else.
By the time he began washing away the suds, I knew I couldn’t postpone revealing Janie to him any longer. He had the right to know what he was getting himself into if he wanted to take a chance on me.
I thought it better to get everything out in the open early on now we’d reached a new level of intimacy. Talking to Max had been the first step of fixing everything inside my head; telling Dustin was the next. We couldn’t make any progress with secrets hanging between us so I needed to put my fear of his reaction to rest. The only way to do that was by confronting it.
Dustin headed home to change with the promise of coming straight back. I used the time to do the same and was sitting on the arm of the sofa when he
returned. Something in my expression must have revealed my change in mood because Dustin walked over to me and settled between my legs.
“What’s wrong? You’re not regretting anything are you?” He ran his hands up and down my arms.
My eyes widened. “No, of course not. I don’t regret a single thing.”
“Then what is it?” He trailed a finger over my cheek bone, tracing the curvature. When he reached my lashes I shut them. “Taz?”
“I want to take you somewhere.” I kept my eyes shut, so they couldn’t betray me by revealing how much his reaction worried me.
“Okay, where?”
I ran my tongue over my bottom lip. “Can we just go and you can see for yourself?”
He kissed my forehead and my muscles relaxed. “Anything you want, babe.”
Opening my eyes, I took his hand in mine and led him from the building. He must have sensed I was deep in thought because for the entire drive he remained silent. My body drove on auto-pilot, the route a muscle memory I’d frequented the location so often.
It only took half an hour to reach, and finally I slowed the car and parked in front of a quaint village church.
I remained fixated on the crumbling grey stonework. My hands tightened around the wheel and I inhaled deeply.
I bit down on my tongue, hoping the pain would counter the tears threatening to spill.
Without looking at Dustin, I slid from the car. His door clicked shut and his feet crunched on the gritty ground. I kept staring at the rows of headstones in the graveyard.
Dustin placed his arm around my waist, holding me close. “Are you okay?”
I sniffed. “Yeah, come on.”
I guided him round to the back of the church without a word. At some point I’d taken his hand in mine, but I didn’t remember doing it. It surprised me that he hadn’t pulled it away or made a comment since I squeezed it unbearably tight. With every step my pressure on his hand increased until, finally, I stopped.
“You wanted to know what I was keeping from you, well…” I pointed at the headstone, allowing the gold engraving on the granite to finish the sentence I couldn’t.
“Janie Marie Nixon.” Dustin read the name aloud, his gaze darting between me and the headstone in confusion. Every thought travelled across his face until things eventually clicked into place. Dustin opened his mouth to speak, though no words came out.
“She’s my daughter,” I whispered to the ground. I didn’t want to see any accusations flood his eyes; it would hurt too much.
What I didn’t expect was for him to wrap his arms around me in a tight hug. When he spoke his voice came out low and pained. “Oh, Taz.”
“I didn’t have an abortion. I’m not like her,” I blurted into his chest.
Dustin lifted his hand to my head, holding me against him tighter. His warm breath swept through my hair. “I know that. I never thought you did.”
Rather than relief, disbelief flowed through me and settled in my stomach. I pressed back against his grip until he dropped his arms. Wiping the back of my hand over my eyes, I peered up at him through my lashes.
“You didn’t?” I sniffed.
Dustin trailed his knuckles over my jaw. “It never even crossed my mind.”
“Why?”
“People who have abortions don’t generally bury their baby, Taz. And I know you’re nothing like Elora.”
“It’s my fault, though.” I gazed down at Janie’s grave as I spoke, noticing the fresh lilies for the first time. Warmth fluttered through me at the sight and the remnant slivers of guilt seeped into the damp grass. Without a doubt I knew they were from Max.
“Tazia, look at me.”
I lifted my head.
“Come here.”
I stepped into his embrace without hesitation. Wrapping my arms around his waist I drew solace from his strength and allowed the scent of spice and sandalwood to soothe me.
When I stepped back I could see the questions he wanted to ask swirling.
“You can ask me.”
Dustin glanced to the side, clearly uncomfortable. “What…um…how…”
“Ask whatever you want, Dustin. I’ll answer anything, I don’t want there to be secrets anymore.”
He exhaled loudly. “Was she a still birth?”
I shook my head, my eyes downcast. “She shouldn’t have been.”
Dustin took my hand in his and squeezed gently. “Whatever it is, you can tell me, Taz. I’m not going anywhere.”
I steeled myself for the torrent of words about to spill from my lips. I needed to get them out as quickly as possible or else I never would. “I was twenty-six weeks and I slipped and fell down the stairs. By the time we reached the hospital there was nothing they could do. I miscarried, but I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t fallen.”
I watched Dustin carefully, yet he kept his emotions and thoughts guarded. “Did you really fall?”
My heart stopped for a second and my mouth became dry.
He didn’t believe me.
He thought I was to blame.
My eyes burned, and I had to blink away the tears fuelled by his disbelief.
“Why would I say I had if I didn’t?”
He cupped my jaw, swiping away the lone tear cooling on my cheek. “Babe, no. I don’t think it was your fault. I meant, did you really slip or did Max…”
I gasped. The last thing I ever thought he’d assume was domestic violence, though with his background it shouldn’t have been a surprise. “No, Max didn’t hurt me. I really did slip. I was carrying some shopping in from the car and I didn’t see a leaflet on the stairs. It was how I broke my leg too.”
“Are you sure? You can tell me if it was him. I know what the feeling of not being able to talk is like, and you can trust me.”
The familiar burning encroached on my sight as tears welled in my eyes. “Thank you, but it really wasn’t him.”
Dustin opened his mouth to say something else and I cut him off. “Can we talk about the rest back the flats?”
He snapped his mouth shut and nodded. When he started to head back to the car and realised I wasn’t following him, he glanced over his shoulder in question.
“I’ll be there in a minute.” I peered down at my daughter’s headstone and understanding shone in his gaze.
“I’ll wait in the car.”
I crouched down. Tracing the numbers of her birth and death date I held back the sob. “I love you, baby girl. I’m so sorry.”
I raised my fingers to my lips, kissing them, then pressed them against the frigid stone.
Rising to my feet, I clutched the winged pendant in my fist tightly. It was my way of carrying Janie with me wherever I went. “I’ll visit again soon. I promise.”
Chapter
Twenty-Four
Dustin
I didn’t know what I’d been expecting, but it hadn’t been that. I’d built my own assumptions on what had happened to her, though never that.
Fuck, twenty-six weeks.
I couldn’t imagine what Tazia had gone through, even with my own experiences to draw on. I’d had five weeks to come to terms with the fact that I was going to be a father before it Elora ripped it away. Tazia had twenty-six. She’d have seen her baby, felt it move, and then she lost her. She even knew the gender and had a name picked out.
Obviously she held herself responsible. I could see from the way she carried herself when she talked about it that the guilt still weighed upon her. However, I didn’t blame her. Nothing she told me changed any of my feelings for her, except for making me realise she was stronger than I realised.
Our stories were so similar, yet they also weren’t.
Despite having both lost our babies, nothing felt the same. Tazia’s situation was far worse.
Even though I never got a funeral, and I didn’t have a grave to visit, what I’d been through felt like a minor blip in my life. I loved my baby with all of my heart, and I hated I’d never get to see it, but when I compared the two
, nothing in my life had changed. I hadn’t experienced what Tazia had, and I hadn’t formed a bond. When I grieved it was over someone I never knew and despite hurting like hell, now it was only a minute sting.
People say it’s hard to miss what you’ve never know and it’s partially true. I would forever wonder what could have been and look back in anger, yet over time I knew it would fade.
It already was.
I was beginning to move on, but Taz didn’t have it that easy.
She approached the car with tight steps, her shoulders hunched and her fist at her neck. When she slid into the driver’s seat I wanted to hold her and tell her how sorry I was, though it didn’t feel right.
Sorry didn’t feel strong enough.
The last thing I had wanted was people to tell me they were sorry.
Condolences didn’t bring the life lost back.
It didn’t ease the pain.
It did fuck all.
Without a word, Taz started the engine and pulled out of the car park. Neither of us spoke on the journey despite the hundreds of questions whirling around inside my mind. I chose to ignore them, giving Tazia the time to herself she needed. She’d shared more than I expected sooner than I thought she would, and it hadn’t been easy. She kept sniffing and blinking, battling to keep her emotions at bay.
When we reached our building I rounded the car and pulled her under my arm immediately. Her body quivered against me.
Leading Taz out of the lift, I guided her into my flat and over to the sofa. I drew her down onto my lap, pulling off her jacket then cradling her against my chest.
“Do you hate me?” The words were barely audible. At first I thought I’d misheard, only the anguish in her eyes told me everything I needed to know.
“Of course not. Why would you even think that?”
“I killed my baby and Elora—”
I silenced her with a kiss. I barely grazed her lips, yet it was enough to cause her to melt into me and shut up.
I cradled her jaw. “No, babe. You’re nothing alike. What happened to you was an accident. What she did was intentional.”
