by Mary Monroe
“I wanted to have a child as much as you did, baby. But I couldn’t risk losing you by telling you I couldn’t,” Jesse Ray told me over a tall pitcher of mai tais on the balcony of our luxury beachfront hotel room. He wore a flowered, short-sleeved shirt and a pair of baggy shorts. Earlier that morning, before I woke up, he’d gone out and picked flowers, which he had pinned to my hair. He was doing every little thing he could to help me get over what he’d told me. I was enjoying all the extra attention, so I decided to “milk that cow” dry.
“But I found out, anyway,” I said, feeling light-headed. I had already had three drinks and was working my way through the fourth. Jesse Ray nodded and looked away. “If we want this marriage to work, we have to be open and honest,” I said. “About everything. I don’t care how small a situation seems to you, if it involves me, I want to know about it. And I want you to be one hundred percent honest. You can expect the same from me,” I stated, looking my husband in the eye so hard, he had to blink and look away again.
I was learning more and more about Jesse Ray each day. One thing that was clear to me now was that he was the kind of man who always said what he thought somebody wanted to hear. That had a lot to do with his success. However, I didn’t think that that was a good characteristic to apply to marriage.
It didn’t take me long to realize that I was going to do the same thing to Miss Rosetta. I knew she would continue to badger me about having a baby. And, I was all prepared to tell her one lie after another about why I didn’t get pregnant. The best one I could come up with was the one about me having a tilted womb. I had read about a woman with that same problem in one of Miss Odessa’s magazines years ago. It was the kind of lie that I could get a lot of mileage out of. And, since Miss Rosetta was already in her golden years, I didn’t think that I’d have to use it for too many more years. It saddened me to know that I could deliberately deceive someone I loved. But that’s exactly what Jesse Ray had done to me! I told myself that if Miss Rosetta made too much of a fuss about having more grandchildren, Jesse Ray and I could take in a few foster children. That way if they started acting a fool, like so many kids I knew, we weren’t obligated to keep them.
Jesse Ray coughed and cleared his throat, interrupting my thoughts. I was glad he did, because my mind was off on a tangent. “That’s the way it’ll be from now on. In that case …,” he said, then paused, scratched his neck, and gave me a mysterious look. His eyes roamed up and down the entire length of my body. “Please dispose of that sarong as soon as you can. It makes you look like a piñata.” I bolted from my seat and ran into one of the two spacious bathrooms in our suite. Behind the door was a full-length mirror. I didn’t agree with Jesse Ray’s assessment of my appearance, but I changed into some white shorts and a plain halter top, anyway.
The best thing about the sudden vacation was the fact that nobody knew where to reach us. Well, I had told Miss Odessa and Jeanette and Nita, but I’d made them promise not to call me unless it was a matter of life and death. At the last minute, before we left the house, I called and left the same information on the answering machine that I had bought for Mama and Daddy. But I wasn’t even sure that they’d use it, even if one of them died.
When Jeanette called me eight days into my vacation, the first thing I said to her was, “Woman, somebody better be dead.”
There was a long pause before she told me. “Your mother-in-law had a massive stroke last night.”
CHAPTER 44
One of the advantages of not having a lot of family or other loved ones is that you don’t have too many people to worry about losing to death, unlike people with large, close-knit families. I loved Miss Odessa. I loved my parents dearly despite their peculiarities. And, as ghoulish as it was, I often wondered how I was going to react to their passing. I had added Jesse Ray and Jeanette and Nita to that list because I loved them all dearly, too. I wasn’t particularly crazy about Adele and her clan, or Harvey and the Chinese woman he lived with, Flossie Ming Lee, but I had come to adore Miss Rosetta. She was as much a loving mother to me as she was to Jesse Ray and his two siblings. One of the first thoughts that had shot through my head after Jeanette’s call was the fact that I had cooked up that lie to feed to Miss Rosetta about me not having babies for her to fuss over. I felt worse than shit, and I wasn’t too far from it. Because right after I got off the telephone with Jeanette, I ran into the bathroom and I threw up from both ends.
Jesse Ray and I immediately cancelled the rest of our vacation and booked a reservation on the first available plane back to California. Neither one of us ate or drank anything during the five-hour flight. We must have looked like pallbearers, sitting there, with our long faces and tear-stained eyes. It seemed like I was taking it harder than Jesse Ray. I couldn’t stop crying. By the time the plane landed, I looked like a Panda bear, the dark circles around my eyes were so profound.
“She don’t know nobody. She can’t even speak or move,” Harvey told us in the car on the way from the airport. There was so much traffic that the freeway looked like a parking lot. I had so many knots in my stomach, and the inside of my nose was so dry, I had to breathe through my mouth. Even though I knew that Miss Rosetta would not know if I was there or not, I didn’t want to be in the same room with her until I could get a grip on myself.
“What does the doctor say?” Jesse Ray asked in a weak and tired voice, looking straight ahead. He was in the front passenger seat of the new Altima that he’d cosigned for Harvey to get last year.
I was huddled in a corner in the backseat, directly behind Jesse Ray. I knew that it was not the time and place, but I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about the fact that Harvey had defaulted on his loan after the first two payments. When the bank didn’t receive the third payment three weeks after its due date, they promptly called Jesse Ray. When Jesse Ray confronted Harvey about the past-due payment, Harvey offered up some sob story about losing his wallet and trying to borrow the money. He eventually did find somebody fool enough to lend him enough money to make the delinquent car payment, plus pay the late charges: Jesse Ray. Six months and six payments into the loan, Jesse Ray was still the one making the payments.
“Mama ain’t never going to be the same,” Harvey said in a shaky voice. For a brief moment, I thought he was going to burst into tears. And, from the way he looked, I guessed that he’d already shed quite a few tears. His eyes were red and swollen. But that was nothing new. His heavy drinking and the late hours that he and Flossie Ming Lee kept hanging out in the casinos in Reno were usually responsible for his haggard appearance. “The doctor done already told us that she’ll probably need round-the-clock attention from now on. She won’t be able to live on her own no more,” Harvey reported, his voice cracking.
I loved my mother-in-law, and I knew that I was going to jump in and do whatever I had to do to make the rest of her days comfortable. And, when Harvey announced that she would no longer be able to live on her own, my first thought was that he would jump at the chance to move himself and Flossie in with her so they could live rent free. They had attempted to move in with Miss Rosetta before, but she had vigorously opposed it. Harvey didn’t waste any time removing that idea from my mind.
“Me, I can’t see myself moving up in there with Mama to take care of her. Not with my bad back and high blood pressure. Flossie Ming’s mama is over there in San Francisco, driving everybody in Chinatown up and down the wall. She’s been flat on her back for six years. I hope I don’t live long enough to be that kind of a burden to nobody,” Harvey said, with a heavy sigh.
“Well, we’ve got to come up with some kind of a plan,” I offered, wringing my hands. “Baby, what about a live-in nurse?” I suggested, gently tapping Jesse Ray on the shoulder.
“I’ll look into that right away. But in the meantime, we all got to do what we have to do,” Jesse Ray said. He turned around and gave me a pleading look.
“Christine, you are the only one home all day, doing nothing. All the rest of us got
jobs,” Harvey stated. I didn’t know where this conversation was going, and at the time I didn’t care. My main concern was my beloved mother-in-law. “I hope you don’t mind keeping an eye on Mama until we come up with a better plan. She’s crazy about you, and I know she’d appreciate you doing that for her. And, God’ll bless you for it, too. I tell my brother all the time what a good woman he married.” Harvey paused and glanced at me through the rearview mirror. There was a pleading look on his face, which would have been more than enough to back me into a corner of submission. But it wasn’t even necessary.
“I’ll do whatever I can to help out,” I stated. I didn’t know what else to say. The last thing I wanted to do was make Jesse Ray feel even worse by saying something stupid or something that sounded selfish and uncaring. But in the back of my mind, I had to ask myself, Girl, what are you getting yourself into now?
CHAPTER 45
There were also some disadvantages to not having much of a family. I knew that if I outlived my parents, one day I would probably have to provide some level of caretaking services to them. The entire responsibility would land smack-dab on my shoulders.
The fact that Mama and Daddy rarely showed me any affection didn’t matter. I cared about them. I was proud of myself for being able to say this and mean it. I used to know people who despised their parents. And, one of the boys I used to sleep around with used to beat up his own mother.
Since Mama and Daddy were the only blood relatives I had, this issue was especially important to me. Especially now that I knew I’d never have a child of my own—at least not with Jesse Ray. They were still my parents, and I was still going to be there for them. They had both been in their forties when they conceived me, so the chances of them falling apart not that far into the future were pretty high. The last time I visited the apartment on Prince Street, Daddy looked like he was about to keel over at any minute. He’d lost most of his hair and was losing the vision in one eye. Mama complained about dizzy spells and an assortment of other ailments. Despite all of these obstacles, they both continued to work for Mr. Bloom.
Miss Odessa had one foot in the grave, and had for years, for that matter. Her days of independence were numbered. She was losing her memory and was using a walker to get around with now. But she had children and other relatives who I was sure would step up to the plate should she have some serious physical setback. As much as I loved this sweet old sister, I was thankful that I didn’t have to worry about her well-being, too. But never in my wildest imagination did I think I’d end up taking care of an elderly invalid, anyway. And that’s exactly what happened!
I could not believe how Jesse Ray and the in-laws ganged up on me. Instead of hiring a full-time live-in nurse to take care of Miss Rosetta in the house that Jesse Ray had bought for her, they insisted on moving her in with Jesse Ray and me so that it would be easier for me to attend to her needs. The only thing that kept me from screaming was the fact that this was supposed to be a temporary solution. Every single one of my in-laws (some in other states, whom I’d never met) constantly justified this decision by reminding me that I was the only one who had nothing to do, anyway, but lie around the house all day, watching Jerry Springer and Oprah, and getting fat.
It didn’t take long for Jesse Ray to use that same “excuse” to lock me into a responsibility that I did not deserve. Miss Rosetta had to be fed, bathed, and clothed like a baby. It was so ironic, and it seemed so unfair, that I even had to diaper her like a baby, too. Just like I would have done for the baby I would never have with Jesse Ray. As much as I loved Miss Rosetta, by the end of the first week, I was ready to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.
I thanked God for the well-timed visit from Jeanette and Nita that following Monday morning. It derailed my plan to commit suicide. Jesse Ray had already left to go to work. I loved my man dearly, and he was a good man by anybody’s standards, but he often did things that made no sense to me. He didn’t open for business until ten each morning. And he kept all three of the video stores open every night until eleven, seven nights a week, 365 days a year. Several times a week, he spent a couple of hours at the main store after closing time, tying up loose ends that he never explained. When I tried to pry more information about these “loose ends,” they became “this and that.”
Anyway, since the man didn’t open until ten and he took care of the loose ends at night, I could not understand why he went to work every morning before dawn. This was something that I discussed with Jeanette and Nita on a regular basis. This Monday morning was no different.
“Maybe he’s got him a chick on the side,” Jeanette said, with a laugh.
“That’s the least of my worries,” I told her, leading her and Nita into the kitchen, where I’d already put on a pot of fresh coffee. “And speaking of work, why aren’t you at yours?” I asked Jeanette. “And what is your story?” I asked Nita. “Shouldn’t you be at home, baking cookies, little mama?”
“This is about you,” Nita told me, touching my hand. I sat down hard at the table. Jeanette and Nita helped themselves to a cup of coffee, then joined me at the table.
“So do you two hens want to tell me what this surprise visit is all about?” I asked, looking from one to the other. Jeanette, with her smooth dark skin and almond-shaped eyes, looked like Naomi Campbell and was dressed like her, too. She wore a white silk blouse, a brown suede skirt, and boots that matched her skirt. Nita, shorter, heavier, and much lighter skinned than Jeanette and me, had on a muumuu under a yellow Windbreaker. A yellow scarf hid some of the pink sponge rollers covering her head. She had on a pair of men’s house shoes that had seen better days. Both she and Jeanette carried Gucci purses.
“Christine, I want to take you to lunch. I want to do something good for you because I know you need a break,” Jeanette informed me.
“I can’t go today,” I said, holding up my hand. “You know my situation. I can’t just up and leave the house like I used to,” I said, nodding toward the living room, where Miss Rosetta was propped up in the wheelchair that Jesse Ray had purchased for her. “I have to find somebody to stay with Miss Rosetta every time I leave the house.”
“And that’s a damn shame,” Nita shouted.
“It’s just during the day. At night, when Jesse Ray comes home, he takes care of her,” I explained in a weak voice, still looking toward the room where Miss Rosetta was withering away like a dying plant. I didn’t bother to tell my friends that my husband’s idea of “taking care” of his own mother meant him inspecting her from head to toe to make sure I’d cleaned her properly. All he had to do was help me haul her to bed.
“And what’s there for you to do that time of day, or night? Everything is closed except the strip clubs by the time Jesse Ray unhooks himself from his precious video store,” Jeanette wailed. “Girlfriend, we know what you are going through, and there is not a whole lot we can do about it. But you don’t have to be in this situation if you don’t want to be.”
“I know I don’t, and I won’t be as soon as … as soon as …” I couldn’t even finish that sentence, because I didn’t have a backup plan. “Jesse Ray keeps putting off hiring someone to come to the house to take care of his mother, and Adele and Harvey scream like hyenas every time I mention putting her in a nursing home. I can’t go to lunch with you heifers today,” I said, blinking hard and shaking my head. “I can’t leave Miss Rosetta alone, and I can’t take her with me.”
“That’s why I’m here,” Nita told me. “Miss Thing is going to take you to lunch and a movie if you feel up to it. I’m going to stay here and keep Miss Rosetta company.”
Tears immediately formed in my eyes. “I can’t do that to you,” I hollered, blinking hard to hold back my tears. “Miss Rosetta has to be watched like a baby. I have to move her around, from her bed to her wheelchair, and then turn her over so she won’t get sores. I have to change her … underwear, too. I couldn’t do that to you.”
“But you’re letting your husband and the rest of those motherfu
ckers do it to you!” Nita shouted. “Look, Christine, I grew up in a house with both sets of my grandparents and my great-grandmother living with us—all at the same time. There was never a time when there wasn’t some old crow interfering with my plans. Especially during my teen years. You are not doing anything now that I didn’t do then. And this time, I’m offering to do it. Back then I didn’t have a choice. Mama made us all help out.”
“I haven’t been to lunch during the day in … since Miss Rosetta got sick,” I said, staring at the wall.
“Well, you are going to lunch during the day today with me. Even if I have to carry you on my back. Case closed,” Jeanette said, waving a threatening finger in my face.
Nita, with her short but stout arms, removed Miss Rosetta from her wheelchair and transferred her to her bed in one of the downstairs bedrooms like it was the most natural thing in the world. I took a shower, pulled my hair into a ponytail, and put on a pair of slacks that were still on the hanger, with the price tag still pinned to the waistband. I had dozens of new outfits that I had not worn.
Jeanette let me pick the restaurant. There were a lot of places for me to choose from, but Giovanni’s was closer, and it was one of my favorite spots. I had spent a lot of evenings at Giovanni’s, nibbling on pizzas and garlic bread with some of the wild crowd I used to hang out with. It was a favorite spot for a lot of people. I had forgotten that it was one of the places where Wade used to hang out back in the day before he moved to L.A.
Our friendly waiter, an Asian woman with a waist-length ponytail, escorted us to a booth in the back, facing the fireplace. If we had come a minute later, it would have made all the difference in the world. Wade was on his way out, leaving a table just a few feet away from us.
“Christine? Girl, look at you. I’m scared of you! I heard you got married,” he said, rushing over to me. I didn’t recognize the tall, lanky, sad-faced man with him, and Wade suddenly seemed like he’d forgotten him. I almost collapsed when Wade leaned over and wrapped me in his arms, covering my face with lip-smacking, loud, hungry little kisses. For a moment I almost forgot where I was. I had to squeeze my thighs together to keep my crotch from itching. Wade’s touch was still enough to arouse me!
