by Jo Raven
Instead, I rest my forehead on the cold window pane, staring at the trees, the buildings, the parked cars, the people and dogs and bicycles. We enter the campus, and normal college life unfolds around me, full of what-ifs and maybes. Teasing me. Mocking me.
Suck it up, I tell myself. Pull yourself together.
So I get off the bus and jog to the sports center. God, but I can barely lift my feet, and it’s cold. Too damn cold for this time of year. It’s like a storm is brewing.
Shaking off the foreboding, I tear through the double doors of the sports center and let them slam behind me. Inside it’s warm, but I still shiver.
Two women in dark suits talking outside an office stop and stare at me.
Ignoring them, I hurry down the familiar corridors of the center, turn the corner, and almost plow into Jeff and Tyson, from my football team. They stagger back, confused, then grab me, pat my back and start asking when I’m coming back to training.
Fuck. I escape with a few noncommittal answers and set off again, finally reaching Coach West’s office.
He’s standing outside, a frown on his face.
“Dylan.” His tone is as crisp as his white T-shirt. “You’re so late I thought you weren’t coming. Again.”
“The bus,” I pant. I wipe a hand over my mouth. “It was late.”
“And you’re out of shape,” he says, sounding disgusted. “Come on in.”
Bowing my head, I enter his office and sink into the plastic seat across from his desk. Warily I watch him as he circles the desk and sits behind it. Formal. Distant. Displeased. Coach West has always been chatty and friendly, and the change sends a trickle of ice down my spine.
Then again, what’s there to be afraid of? I’ve already failed the first year of college, lost my scholarship—and am about to tell Coach things haven’t changed. At least, not for the better.
“How is it going?” Coach gives me a long look from his steel-gray eyes. “I don’t see you much around here these days.”
“That’s because I’m not. I don’t have time for college and practice.”
“You need to fight for what’s important to you, Dylan. You’re star material. You’re wasting the opportunity of a lifetime, throwing away your talent.”
I shrug, suddenly defensive. It’s hard, letting down the people who believed in you, and there aren’t many like that in my life.
“I am fighting for what’s important to me.”
“And what’s that?”
Coach knows a bit of what has been going on at home, though not everything.
“My brothers,” I say. “I’m responsible for them and things haven’t been too good lately. Sorry, Coach, but my future career isn’t worth more than their wellbeing.”
His eyes turn somber. “I see. Many people still have faith in you, Dylan. They hope you will come back to college and resume practice.”
“I can’t afford it.”
“I can help you.” He folds his hands on the desk and leans forward, the ice in his gaze thawing. “It’s not gonna be easy, but I can find you a smaller scholarship, if only you promise you’ll come to practice regularly and attend classes.”
But that’s the whole point, and he isn’t getting it. “I can’t.”
“I’m sure family would help out if you asked. Aunts, uncles, cousins…” He trails off when I shake my head. “Your friends?”
“They work. They don’t have time to babysit for me every day.”
Besides… it’s not as if I was really there for them. When I think of how I treated Ash when he was down, because I was blind to anyone’s troubles but mine, I wince. As for Tyler and Zane… I was already too caught up in Dad’s comings and goings, Teo’s recurrent sickness and the ever-mounting bills to do much for them.
Payback is always a bitch. And talking about work and time… I glance at my watch and do a double take. Fuck.
“Coach, I have to go.” I rise from the creaking plastic chair. “I’m already late for work.”
“Okay, listen.” Coach rubs a big hand over his face. “Think about it. Do something about it. I really want to help you. You’ve shown great promise, and you’re a good person. Bear in mind, this offer won’t be open forever. Second chances exist, but you need to fight for them. This is it, Dylan. This is your second chance. Take it.”
Second chances. Why does my mind immediately flash to Tessa? Stupid, Dylan. That ship has sailed. And it was your doing.
“Dylan?” Coach is observing me. “Are we on the same page?”
I sigh, nod—because what the fuck can I say?—and hurry out.
***
I leave work early, which earns me a major stink-eye from the gym manager, to pick my bros up from the bus stop. No way am I letting Miles get beaten up again. Putting aside the danger to my little brother’s life, which is my number one worry, child protective services could take him from my custody.
After Dad took off, I fought for the right to look after them, but I’m not their official guardian. That’s still Dad. If they find out Dad is gone and I can’t take good care of my brothers, then they might be put into foster care, and I…
I’d die before I let that happen. Over my dead body. This is what’s worth fighting for, much more than a scholarship and college.
Second chances. The words echo in my head, and I do my best to ignore them. Not now. Not important.
Priorities. Miles and Teo depend on me. They come first.
The school bus arrives, and I watch Teo climb down. I take his hand. He gives me a tiny smile, and I kneel to check his temperature. Not one hundred percent sure, but he seems okay.
I grin, elated, and together we wait for Miles who’s approaching us slowly.
“Okay, buddy?” I ask, and he nods.
“Will you always come get us?” he asks, hope in his voice, and man, I wish I could say yes.
“We’ll see,” I say carefully. Dammit.
His eyes shift away, but not before I see sadness flash through them.
“We gonna have hot chocolate and marshmallows?” Teo is tugging on my hand.
“After dinner,” I say automatically, waiting for Miles to take my other hand. He’s staring at it—at me—suspiciously. “What?”
“Did you lose your job? Is that you’re here?”
A snort escapes me. Christ. So not funny when your ten-year-old brother worries about money in the house.
“I didn’t lose my job. I just left a little early to pick you guys up.” I ruffle his blond crew cut and grab his smaller hand in mine. “Ready? That hot chocolate and marshmallows won’t wait forever.”
With a chorus of “hot chocolate” from both Teo and Miles, we cross the street and walk toward home. Teo is singing something over and over again—I can’t catch the words—and Miles is silent. When I squeeze his hand, he doesn’t squeeze back.
I open my mouth to ask what’s on his mind, when he lifts his other hand and points. Right at our house.
Someone is standing outside, a tall, broad-shouldered figure. He seems to be peering into the house through a window.
I frown. Who can that be? It’s not Dad. Is it one of his buddies, from this new church he’s joined? A drunk? A burglar?
Dark is gathering. I slow down, pull my brothers closer and wrap my arms around them as I try to think what to do.
Then the stranger turns around and lifts a hand in greeting. A second person appears from behind him—a woman.
“Dylan!” she calls and waves at us.
Audrey. And Asher.
After a few seconds spent gaping, my brothers squirming in my hold, trying to escape, I manage to shut my open mouth and start walking.
“What are you guys doing here?” I ask as we take the path up to the front door.
“Zane said you won’t make it to the concert tomorrow,” Audrey says and squats down, smiling at my brothers. “So we decided to come visit.” She winks. “We brought chocolate cake.”
Miles whoops, and Teo giggles. When
Audrey opens her arms, Teo wiggles out of my hold and goes to her.
Dammit. Both Miles and Teo are so young. They need their mother. Hell, they need both their parents, and I’m a poor substitute.
Ash nods at me, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans, and I nod back, a bit uneasy. I didn’t exactly treat Ash nicely when he was down.
Not sure how to feel about that. Not sure what he’s thinking. We both bear the dragon tattoo. We’re brothers in this weird little family Zane put together, but the three of them—Zane, Ash and Rafe—have always been closer. I can’t help feeling like an outsider looking in.
Yeah, great self-pity party, Dylan. Christ. If I’m an outsider, it’s nobody’s fault but mine.
I let go of Miles to unlock the front door, then nudge him inside. “Come in, then.”
We file into the living room, followed by Ash and then Audrey who’s holding Teo. He looks so damn happy in her arms. Maybe I should hold him more often. Maybe—
“Dylan?” Audrey is waving a hand in front of my face. “You okay?”
I nod automatically and wander into the kitchen, trying to decide if there’s anything I can offer them.
“Hot chocolate and marshmallows!” Teo chants.
“That should go nicely with the chocolate cake,” Audrey says, a smile in her voice, and I shake my head.
The fridge contains bread, cheese, ham and lettuce for sandwiches, juice, milk, a few wrinkled apples. And beer.
Hey, look at that. I didn’t even remember I had any.
“Beer?” I ask Ash, who’s leaning against the counter, arms folded over his chest, his face unreadable.
“Sure.”
“Audrey likes kids, huh?”
His face softens. His mouth crooks up in a lopsided grin. “She does.”
I follow his gaze to where Audrey’s humming and turning in a circle, a giggling Teo on her hip.
For a moment, I see another face on my old friend’s face—blue eyes, a wide mouth, golden hair.
Tess.
I blink, and it’s again Audrey, green-eyed and freckled, her wild red curls bouncing.
“Need help with that?” Ash says, and I realize I’ve been standing there, a beer in one hand, staring at his girlfriend.
Fucking hell.
“Sorry, man. Here.” I hand him the beer and fish two more from the fridge. “Can you open them? I’ll make the hot chocolate for the kids, and I’ll order a pizza or something.”
“I’ve got this,” Ash says. “My treat.” And he turns away, pulling out his cell.
I say nothing, instead swallowing hard. My chest is tight with a funny feeling—part relief because money is tight, part embarrassment, and part anger. Whether it’s directed at Ash for showing up to feed us all dinner, when I failed him so spectacularly in the past, or at myself, is anybody’s guess.
I open the cupboard to get the marshmallows and chocolate powder and find a scrap of paper taped inside the door. Something is written on it, in Dad’s hieroglyphic scrawl.
‘Cleanse this house with fire.’
What, now he decided to take issue with my cleaning abilities? Not up to his standards, are they?
Disgusted, and also relieved to be distracted from my previous thoughts, I grab the ingredients I need and pour milk in a pan to heat. I work on auto-pilot, the stress of the day catching up on me. Coach West’s words about second chances won’t stop echoing in my head.
Great. Just what I need. Doubts. Confusion. Hope.
I carry the mugs into the living room and find Ash playing a game of Risk with Miles, and Audrey tickling Teo. His chubby cheeks are flushed, and panic grips me for a moment. Is he running a fever again? Then again, would he be laughing like that if he were sick?
“Anyone want hot chocolate, or should I have it?” I mutter, wincing when my stomach grumbles, reminding me I haven’t eaten all day as I ran from home to college to work and back.
Predictably, Teo escapes Audrey’s clutches with a cry of “Me, me!” and lunges for his mug, which I barely catch in time before it crashes to the floor.
Miles rolls his eyes at me, reminding me he’s almost a teenager, and ow, that’s gonna hurt in the next couple of years. He gets up and grabs his mug nevertheless. Still likes his hot chocolate, and when I reach out to ruffle his hair, he ducks only half-heartedly.
The doorbell rings, and Ash shoots to his feet. He heads for the door before I can blink. I hear him talk to the delivery boy, and then he’s back, carrying a stack of pizzas.
“Dammit, Ash, we can’t eat all that.” Heat climbs my neck, more unease and embarrassment than anything else. “Look, I’ll pay for it.”
“No way.” He holds my gaze. His eyes are the palest I’ve ever seen—the color of arctic ice.
I swear under my breath and go to look for paper napkins and curry ketchup. Miles never eats pizza without it, and Teo does whatever Miles does, so… I guess I’ll be washing curry ketchup out of the carpet tomorrow.
Then again, what’s new? Clean the house, buy groceries, help Teo shower, help Miles with homework, make lunch, then work. Rinse and repeat. A usual Saturday for me, a routine I’ve fallen into this past year. At least it’s not as hectic as weekdays.
“We would’ve visited sooner,” Audrey says as I distribute the napkins and arrange the kids at the coffee table to keep the spillover on the carpet to a certain minimum. “But life has been sort of crazy these past months.”
I nod. I know. First Ash almost died from his dad’s fists, and then was knifed and left in the cold, because the underground fighting ring he worked for thought he’d betrayed them. His dad died, and then his long lost brother, Tyler, returned, and healing that relationship took time. Then, just when things had calmed down a little, Zane’s sister died, and Zane went off the deep end, drinking himself into a coma and barely coming out of it alive.
Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover it.
“It’s not like I’ve been around much, either,” I offer by way of apology, and it does nothing to lift the weight of guilt off my shoulders.
Audrey puts down her slice of pizza. Her eyes are very bright. “It’s okay, Dyl. We understand.”
Do they? I glance at Ash, but he’s busy sipping from his beer, a frown on his face. Maybe Audrey does, but Ash?
I should apologize to him, I think, and not for the first time. Yet, like every time, I hold my tongue and grab my own beer instead, taking a long swig.
Damn. “So what’s new?”
“There’s a chance Ash might get a sports scholarship for college,” Audrey says, her eyes shining. She looks so proud of him.
Ash’s cheeks color. “It’s not sure yet. But if I do get it, I’m keeping my job at the sports center. It could work out.”
“That’s excellent, man. Fucking awesome. So pleased for you.” And I mean it. I hope he can hear it in my voice.
It seems he does, because he smiles and nods.
We eat in silence for a while. The pizza is good, and I inhale mine in record time. I catch Audrey’s eyes on me and force myself to slow down, my ears burning. But then I see that Ash has also demolished his, and it makes me feel better.
A glance at Teo shows his face covered in ketchup. He’s drawing designs on the table top with the sauce, and I swallow a sigh. Miles is munching thoughtfully, and the look is too old for his small face.
How do I get a stubborn ten-year-old to open up and tell me who’s bullying him? Miles changed a lot over this past year. Since Dad left, he became more distant. I get why, but I also need to take care of him—and not knowing what’s going on isn’t helping.
“You know, Dyl,” Audrey says quietly. “Tessa would have liked to help out, but—”
“No,” I snap. The word cracks like a gunshot. Even Teo looks at me, his mouth open. “No,” I say more calmly. “She won’t know what to do.”
“Seriously, man?” Ash throws me a disgusted look. “How long will you stay on your high horse, judging people?”
; “My high horse?”
“Yeah. You don’t know her. You should see her with Jax. She’s a fucking natural. Having money doesn’t mean she’s useless, you know.”
Fuck. Ash is right. Besides… That’s not the real reason I don’t want Tessa to come over, and I’m well aware of that. I just can’t invite her here. Not only because of the comparisons she’ll draw—this hovel against her high-end apartment—but also because I can’t trust myself around her. I try and keep away, avoid looking at her whenever she’s around, but it’s hard. Having her here… My control is weakening in each and every way.
“Did she say she wanted to visit?” I ask.
“Should she fucking beg for the privilege?” Ash drawls, his hand tightening around the beer can until it starts to crunch.
“Ash…” Audrey puts a hand on his arm. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?” His gaze nails me, cold and angry.
Fuck. I guess there’s no putting off my apology any longer.
“Listen, Ash.” I glance at my brothers, and I’m glad to see they seem more interested in the pizza than my confessions. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, well, that’s good,” he cuts in before I get another word out. “But, right now, it’s not me you should be apologizing to.”
I grimace. “Right.”
He shrugs and looks away. “I’m not… not really mad at you, man. Not like I used to be, at least. I know you have a lot going on. Just remember others do too, yeah?”
“Yeah.” I nod, relieved and discouraged all at once. “I get it.”
“I mean it about the high horse, though,” he goes on, his eyes narrowing on me. “You hurt Tessa, I’ll tan your hide.”
He doesn’t see that not inviting her over is the only way not to hurt her, but it’s all too complicated to explain, and I’m not sure it makes sense. So I just nod, knowing that, although Ash says he’s not really mad at me, I still have lots of amends to make.
