by Jo Raven
“Did you tell the police?” She stops rocking and straightens. “Did you talk to a counsellor?”
“My parents wouldn’t believe me. You think the police would? Sean’s the Anholt heir.” I sigh. “I was scared and ashamed to talk about it. It still isn’t easy.” This is the first time I openly discuss it with anyone. Truth is, I thought it’s be even harder. “I guess it’s a good thing I was quite drunk. The details are fuzzy. I know it hurt, and that I was terrified. That I’ve been afraid of going out with guys since then.”
Big fat tears roll down her cheeks. “Oh, Tess… I’m so sorry.”
Yeah, me too. “The only guy I feel safe with is Dylan.”
And while I’m wondering why I let that slip out, Audrey shoots up from the sofa and shakes a finger at me. “No. You said you were done with him. Don’t, Tess.”
Oh crap. “I’m only saying it’s different—”
“I want you to be happy. To find someone who appreciates you. Oh shit.” She turns her back to me, and she’s crying again, her shoulders shaking. “This is so stupid.”
Cautiously, I get up and put a hand on her back. “Aud… What’s going on? Why are you like this?”
“Like what?” Muffled. Followed by sniffling.
“Like that. Crying and stuff.”
A stillness falls in the room. Wheels start spinning in my head just as Audrey turns to face me and throws herself into my arms.
“Are you…?” I whisper, holding her slight frame close.
“Yeah,” she breathes, nodding on my shoulder. “I’m pregnant.”
“Oh my God.” I squeeze her, laughter bubbling up my throat. “Oh holy crap, this is so awesome. Congrats!” I pull back, suddenly concerned. “Aren’t you happy?”
“Happy? I’m over the moon.” She laughs, still crying. What an emotional rollercoaster this seems to be for her. “I mean, it wasn’t planned or anything, but… Oh God, I’ll start showing soon. I’m freaking out! I’ve been dying to tell everyone for weeks now, but we wanted to wait until after the first trimester.”
“And Ash?”
“He’s very happy. A bit scared he won’t be a good dad, because of his own father, but still. In fact…” She lifts her hand for me to see, and I notice what I didn’t notice in all the hubbub. A slender golden ring.
“He proposed?” I squeak. All my woes forgotten, I grab her in my arms. “Of course he did. This is crazy.”
“It’s not expensive,” she squeaks. “The ring, I mean. It’s just—”
“Christ, who cares? Who the hell cares how expensive it is? Jesus.” I shake her lightly. “You said yes?”
“Of course I said yes. I love him so much, how could I not? Jesus, Tess, I’m going to be Mrs. Devlin.”
Now we’re laughing together, and we sort of fall back on the sofa to stare up at the ceiling.
“That’s amazing,” I whisper after a while. “I mean it. I’m so fucking happy for you both.”
She turns and gives me a sweet smile. “Thank you.”
This is what she wants for me, this happiness. And I want it, too, but the one man I want it with doesn’t feel the same way.
Sadness returns to roost in my thoughts, and by the time Asher deems it safe to return to the living room, accepts my congratulations and tells me we should get ready to head to the police station and request a restraining order for Sean, I’m somberly trying to imagine a future that doesn’t include Dylan.
Chapter Ten
Dylan
Damn, why won’t Tessa tell me where she is? Let me go to her and make sure she’s okay? I feel like my skull is about to burst from the worry. I dig my thumbs into my eyes, as if that can make the headache go away.
I try calling her back, but no reply. Shit. I’m gonna kill that fucker for hurting her again. For scaring her.
“Dylan?” Teo is standing at the kitchen door, clutching Gino, his teddy.
“Go to bed, little man,” I bite out and struggle for control because I want to punch something and now is not the time. “I’m coming to tuck you in.”
As soon as he’s out of the room, I kick the table leg and bend over, bracing my hands on the scarred surface, trying to calm down. She doesn’t want me there with her. This sucks.
No. I’m not gonna lose Tessa. Not gonna happen.
Isn’t it too late to worry about that? a snide voice in my head whispers, and I let out a long breath.
I need to see her. To hell with it.
So I arrange for Charlie to keep an eye on the boys until I’m back. I tuck Teo in and promise to read him his favorite book another time, make sure Miles knows what to do if anything happens, that he has my number and won’t open the door to stranglers, all the while feeling like I’m slogging through quicksand.
Fuck, I can’t afford this now, this bone-deep exhaustion that’s hounding me. It feels like forever until I organize everything and call a cab to take me to Tessa.
Sitting in the back seat, I allow myself to lean back and close my eyes for one brief minute. I keep hearing her frightened voice telling me she found her creepy ex-boyfriend waiting for her at her apartment, and I wanna wring the motherfucker’s neck.
Fuck, fuck. If I’d known…
My anger rouses me, and I look out the cab window as we arrive at Audrey and Asher’s place. I pay and step outside. The cold bores into my bones, making my joins ache and creak. I ring the bell and shift from foot to foot, clenching my frozen hands inside my pockets. Feels like snow.
Feels like darkness and despair.
I shake my head to dispel the morose thoughts and ring again. Shit, it’s cold.
“Who is it?” Asher’s voice comes through the intercom.
“It’s me, Dylan. Can I come up?” He says nothing, so I say through chattering teeth, “I’m here to see Tessa.”
“We’re about to leave for the police station,” he says evenly, and I close my eyes, because that probably means I should leave. Damn. But then he says, “Come on up.”
He buzzes me in, and I enter the building, shivering so hard I think my joints will shake loose.
Of course there’s no elevator, and I start up the stairs. It takes me forever to reach the third floor. I’m actually seeing black stars floating around me by the time I knock on the door and a scowling Ash opens it.
I look past him, and I spot Tessa immediately, standing by the window. The light from the lamp in the room corner catches on her pale hair that’s gathered up in a ponytail, loose strands framing her face. My breath catches and my heart stops, like every time I see her.
The fear of anything happening to her has brought what I feel into sharp focus. I shouldn’t have let her go. I need her like nobody else in the world.
As if sensing me, she looks up, and for a second her shoulders relax. Her full mouth tilts into a faint smile.
Then it falls, and she hunches over. “Dylan? What are you doing here?”
I’m by her side in two strides. I open my arms and pull her to me. She’s rigid for a moment, then she clutches the back of my neck, burying her face in my shoulder. She’s trembling, and I tighten my hold on her.
Mine. She’s mine.
I shake my head to clear it. “Tess, did he hit you? Did he hurt you?”
“He didn’t.” She pulls back a little to lift her face. Her eyes are red-rimmed but dry. “I kneed him.”
My jaw slackens. “You what?”
“He was holding me against the wall. I couldn’t escape.” A shudder wracks her. “So I kneed him where it hurts most.”
A chuckle escapes me despite my best intentions, and she snorts, too, but the sound turns into a sob, and my anger returns.
Anger at the asshole who hurt her. Anger at myself for not being there to protect her. For not being a part of her life.
“I’ll kill the fucker,” I mutter. “I swear I will.”
She suddenly squirms and pushes off me. “Why did you come?” A shadow of pain goes through her eyes. “You should go.”
“Dylan, it’s too late,” she says softly, stepping away, and each word turns into a bullet to my chest. “You left me long ago.”
Fuck. She’s right. But that was a mistake I don’t plan on making again.
***
Ignoring the dark looks Audrey and Ash are sending my way, I follow them to the police station. Tessa doesn’t look at me. She doesn’t acknowledge my presence at all, even though I sit in Audrey’s car right next to her. She keeps her hands clasped in her lap, and I tamp down on the urge to reach for her.
Once at the station, I stand by her side as she answers questions, explaining what happened with her ex today and other times and fills out a form.
Fury rises in me, its heat intense, lifting off the fog that seems to shroud my mind these days. I pace restlessly, hands in my pockets, listening as she speaks softly, relating how this Sean Anholt treated her—like dirt under his shoe, like his property.
And she doesn’t find it strange, or so it sounds from the way she’s telling the story. Like she’s used to it. I remember suddenly the bruises on her arms and how she said some were her dad’s doing.
Red mist fills my vision. I swear under my breath when she explains how he cornered her and told her that her dad had given him the card and the okay to enter her building.
I kick the wall and curse out loud.
“Please, sir.” The police officer on duty sends me an unfriendly look. “Have a seat, this won’t take long.”
Ash and Audrey are sitting in the back of the room. But how can I settle down? I want to grab Tess and leave, take her home and keep her close to me. Make sure she knows she’s safe now. That I won’t let her go.
She shows the police officer fading bruises on her wrists and tells the story of how she kept her cool and managed to break the guy’s hold. Pride fills me at how strong she is, how level-headed her reaction was. For a girl pretty as a doll, she sure has balls of brass.
A wave of fierce protectiveness washes over me, followed by a tide of need so strong it makes every muscle in my body clench and my dick harden.
Fuck me, I want this girl. I want her for myself, wanted her all along. All my reasons for letting her go those years back seem weak and stupid now. Nothing can be more important than being with her. Nothing feels as good, as right. Funny how I was scared of losing her—when I was the one pushing her away, never giving this thing between us a chance.
Tessa stands up, hands tucked under her armpits, her gaze dark. “Thank you,” she tells the officer in her soft voice that sends thrills down my spine and makes my heart beat just a little bit faster.
“Tess…” I try to catch her gaze. “Come home with me.”
“Home.” Her voice goes even softer, and her expression closes down, turning her small face into an impassive mask. She keeps her arms wrapped around herself, as if she’s cold, although it’s warm inside the station.
“Please tell me what’s wrong. Is it because of that fucker?” My hand falls to my side, clenching into a fist. “Did he hurt you in some other way?”
“No, Dylan, it’s not that.” She sighs. “I’m tired of this, of being in your arms one second and out in the cold the next. I can’t trust that any good moment with you will last.”
I want to kick the wall again and again, until I break through it, through this dead-end.
“Tess… I shouldn’t love you, you know?” I scrub a hand over my face, wondering if I even make sense at this point. “So many things I shouldn’t do.”
“What do you mean?” she whispers.
Fuck. I’m wracking my brain for a reply, when Ash and Audrey step between us.
“Ready to roll, girl?” he asks, and a glint in his eye tells me I should stand down now or find myself flat on my back.
“I’m ready,” Tessa says.
“Then let’s go,” Audrey says, lacing her arm through Tessa’s and drawing her away from me.
Tessa can’t trust me anymore. I can see why. But I have to change her mind, although I sure as hell don’t know how.
She glances back over her shoulder as they reach the door. “I’ll pick up Miles,” she says. “I’m not letting him down.”
Like I let her down.
I kick the wall once again, for good measure, glare at the police officer, who looks about to say something, and stalk out of the room.
Dammit. That was a royal screw up, Dylan. Great job. Took years in the making.
Now pick up the fucking pieces, if you can.
***
A leaden blanket is draped on my shoulders, pressing down, and the fog is back, making thoughts sluggish. My joints hurt like an old guy’s, and I pop another Advil. I wonder, as I move around the gym, checking that everyone is doing their exercises correctly and nobody is injured, why the hell I feel so shitty.
But I don’t have time to spend feeling sorry for myself. After work, I promised Coach West I’d talk to him again, and then I need to go home and make dinner, make sure my brothers bathe and get their ice cream and watch their cartoons… The work is never over.
Tessa…
I haven’t seen her in two days—ever since that night at the police station. Ever since she walked away with Audrey and Ash, after telling me she couldn’t follow me.
I respect her for not just taking me back like that. For not taking whatever scraps I finally threw her way. She deserves so much better than that. So much better than me.
Things could go south once again. Teo gets sick quite often. Miles might get bullied again, or Dad needs attention whenever he returns home. I might run out of money or lose my job. I’m not who she needs.
Get off your high horse, I can almost hear Asher’s voice in my head. You don’t know what she needs. What she’ll do.
Mom walked away. Doesn’t mean Tessa will. Take a risk. For Tessa. For yourself. Trust her, and make her trust you. Give it a try.
I haven’t let myself hope in so long I’ve almost forgotten how it feels to close your eyes and jump in with both feet.
Tessa is worth it. So what if the timing sucks? What if I feel like something the cat dragged in, and I don’t even have time to shave on most days? I’ll make time. I’ll find the energy.
For her. For me. If she still wants me. And shit, that’s not a given.
After six grueling hours, I still haven’t found a solution as to how to earn back Tessa’s trust, and I’m getting ready to leave—when I get ambushed by a redhead in a skimpy skirt.
“Dylan? Remember me? I’m Faith. I wanted you to be my personal trainer.”
“And I told you I don’t work mornings.”
The hue of her hair has to come from a bottle, as it’s red like blood, and it matches her lipstick. The color reminds me of the bruises on Tessa’s arms, and I scowl.
Not that my scowl would deter her. She’s been after me for weeks now. She’s obviously immune.
She bats her lashes, which are long and black and weird-looking. Dyed with something, too. “Come on, Dylan, please…”
Jesus. I can’t swear at her, as she’s a customer at the gym. How fucked up is that? “I said I can’t.”
She pouts, and my fists itch to do damage, so I grab my stuff and turn to go. Two more girls are now trailing after me, and I glare at them, hopefully looking forbidding enough for them to stay where they are and not attempt to engage me into any sort of conversation.
I never minded the flirting so much before. As I settle the straps of my backpack more securely over my shoulders and set out toward the campus and the sports department, I wonder about that.
Then again, before I wasn’t seeing Tessa’s face on every girl, didn’t hear her voice in their chatter. I also didn’t have this headache from hell pounding at the back of my eyes, like Thor’s hammer. It’s a miracle my eyeballs haven’t popped out of my head yet.
Normally I’d jog to the sports center. I’m a trained athlete. Up until a
couple of months ago, I’d wake up early and go running, then train a couple more hours on campus. Now the only exercise I do is some machines at the gym when it’s quiet and running like crazy when my brothers are sick or in trouble.
Trained athlete or not, by the time I reach the sports center I have black spots swimming in my vision, and I’m panting like a dog. Sweat is trickling down my back and into my eyes despite the cold, and I wipe a hand over my wet face as I enter.
“Dylan.” Coach West looks up from a folder he’s been studying, and he frowns. “Is it raining outside? You’re soaking wet.”
“Nope. Not—” I crash into a chair, fighting to catch my breath. “Not raining.”
Dammit.
Coach West’s eyes narrow, their pale gray echoing the overcast sky outside. “You okay, kid? You don’t look too hot.”
“I’m okay.”
“Are you sick? Maybe the—”
“I’m not sick.” Impatiently, I glance at my watch. Miles has to be home by now. “You said you had some forms for me to fill out?”
“Yeah.” He swivels in his chair and digs through the folders stacked on a shelf under the window. “How’s your little brother?”
“He’s better.”
“And the other one? Mike, is it?”
“Miles. He’s okay.”
“So now you have more time for your studies. For yourself.”
“Not really.” I fight the urge to drum my fingers. “Look, Coach, I have to go. I’m late.”
He swivels back around, a bunch of papers in his hand. “Do you want to have another scholarship, Dylan? Do you want to continue your studies, or are you here because I asked you to? Let me know, so I don’t waste your time or mine. Getting you back into the program isn’t simple. I had to call in favors.”
I hunch forward and close my eyes, the pain behind my eyes spiking. “Sorry, Coach.” I press the heels of my hands into my forehead. “You know I used to live for this. For football, for the team. For a chance to make this my career.”
“I know,” he says quietly.
I fix my gaze on the far wall. “I do want this. I’ll…” I’ll what? Ditch my brothers and win the lottery? Make a wish on a falling star? “I’ll fill these out.”
