by Kay Lyons
“Nothing,” she said with a nervous laugh. “I’m just not— I don’t usually plan that far in advance. I hadn’t thought of that when I put this together.”
“We have to set a date to tell people when they need to sign up, get the orders in. None of this will ever happen unless we have a target date to get it done.”
“I know that.” Her mouth twisted and she looked down at her carefully drawn plan, pushing the box of Chinese away.
Sensing more to her hesitation and remembering he’d never had that talk he’d promised the chief that he’d have with her, Bryan squatted down beside her, intent on getting an answer. “Why don’t you plan ahead?”
Chapter 12
BECAUSE I DON’T have a crystal ball?”
Bryan scowled at her, not liking her cynical expression. “Knock off the comedy act and tell me.”
Melissa lifted her shoulder in a shrug. “I used to make plans and then… Now I just don’t. That’s it, no big, dark secret.”
“Why?”
“Because. I don’t like to make plans I might not be able to keep, so I only ever schedule a week or so in advance.”
The reason tore through him and ripped out his heart. “Because of your cancer,” he murmured bluntly. “You won’t make plans because of a cancer diagnosis that happened over two years ago?”
She shoved herself to her feet and moved away from him, but he followed her, glaring down at her with all the anger and frustration he felt because he didn’t know whether to shake her or kiss her. Each held equal appeal.
“Don’t,” she warned, eyes blazing, one finger raised up in warning. “Don’t stand there and tell me how I should or shouldn’t live my life. I don’t make plans in advance. Big deal!”
“It is a big deal. That’s what your dad meant that day in the B and B isn’t it? About living with one foot in the grave? I thought he meant because you don’t date, but it’s way more than that. Melissa—”
“Don’t yell at me!”
He rubbed a hand over his mouth. She had to fight. It was too important and if she gave up… “Attitude is everything with that disease and if you don’t make plans, you’re giving it free rein to come back! You’re letting it win!”
“I’m doing no such thing!”
“Liar.”
Her chest rose and fell rapidly, her hands fisted at her sides. In that moment she’d never been more beautiful, but now, Melissa seemed to be more vulnerable than ever because she’d experienced the worst a hard-core illness had to offer and come through the other side living half a life.
“How can I not think about dying? I nearly did. My mother and grandmother did—and who knows how many women in my family lost the battle before a cancer gene was officially diagnosed? I can’t plan anything beyond my next test because I don’t know what’ll happen when I step foot into my oncologist’s office. I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep the plans I’ve made, or what shape I’ll be in when some future date comes around so why—” She shook her head, tears slipping from the corners of her eyes before she wiped them away. “Why put myself through that? I’d think you of all people would understand.”
“I understand how frightening—”
“Frightening? Oh, please. You and my father are too alike in a lot of ways. Good grief, how scary is that? You’re a doctor, Bryan. You know exactly what it’s like to watch someone die, but you still think I should have some Pollyanna outlook on life? It’s way more than ‘frightening.’ How can you stand there and blame me for being cautious?”
He stared at Melissa and thought of the way she’d told him about her mastectomy that day in the car, how brave she’d been. Now it was his turn. His heart thundered in his chest, but he had to get through to her, knew Rachel would want him to. “Melissa, I don’t blame you. You’re right, I do know what it’s like, because I performed my residency in a hospital specializing in cancer treatments and I saw…I saw a lot, okay? And I saw more when my ex-girlfriend showed up one day and I realized she was there for an appointment and not to see me.”
Melissa swallowed tightly. “She died.”
He nodded. “She died,” Bryan whispered huskily. “I worked with some of the best doctors in the country, but we couldn’t save her, couldn’t heal her. And after a particularly rough day, I couldn’t take it anymore. The moment she opened her eyes, I told her I was quitting medicine, giving up my career because I didn’t have what it took to be a doctor.” A smile crossed his lips. “She looked me straight in the eyes and called me a loser. She did,” he confirmed when Melissa glanced at him in surprise. “She said I couldn’t quit, because nothing would be gained if I did, and I owed it to her to be the doctor I’d always wanted to be. We’d broken things off because of the schedules we kept with jobs and school. She refused to let me make that sacrifice worthless.”
“She sounds like a strong, wonderful person.”
“She was. And so are you,” he told her firmly, holding her gaze for as long as she was able. When she looked away, he continued, determined. “The point I’m trying to make is that you can’t stop living, Melissa. If you do, nothing is gained even though you’ve sacrificed everything in the process.”
She blinked away tears but didn’t speak.
“I didn’t give up even though I wanted to, Melissa, and neither can you. I can argue with you about planning future events because you are still here. Taking precautions is one thing, but considering yourself cancer-postponed instead of cancer-free is no way to live. You’re healthy. You fought a horrendous battle, but you won. And you deserve to live life to the fullest no matter how the future plays out. Why shortchange yourself by living in fear?”
“You ask me why after losing her?”
“You got a second chance!”
“Maybe I did, but would you put someone through that if you could help it? Planning ahead or being with someone would only make dying that much more painful because I’d know I was hurting them, too!”
He stalked away from her, blinking rapidly to combat the burning in his eyes. He couldn’t picture Melissa like that. Wouldn’t. “You shouldn’t think that way. Shouldn’t be that way when you have—”
“Oh, please.” She followed the comment up with a laugh, the sound full of unshed tears. “Don’t stand there and tell me how I should be. Not when you just told me a heartbreaking story that has me thinking your grandfather is right.”
He swung around to face her. “Right about what?”
Melissa lifted her chin, her posture defensive. “He has a theory about why you sleep around.”
Bryan ran a hand through his hair. “For the love of— I’ve made some mistakes, but everyone knew the score. There’s no theory behind that.”
Her cheeks took on a pretty blush. “Really? Some people might look at those ‘mistakes’ and think they were made because you’re still mourning the woman you loved.”
“That was a long time ago. We’d been broken up for a long time, too. I…I cared for her once, thought I was in love, but it was little more than a college crush.”
“That makes it worse, Bryan, don’t you see? You only cared for this girl and yet you were ready to give up your life’s calling, your livelihood, because of what happened.” Melissa narrowed her eyes. “It scared you that badly. I understand that.”
No doubt she did, but— “Why would Granddad say something like that to you?”
Melissa ducked her head and turned away. “That’s not important. What is important is that before you examine my life, you need to look at yours. You sleep around, keep things casual. Why, Bryan? Do you really not know? Your grandfather thinks you want to forget her, but I think it’s because you don’t want to get hurt again and you’re trying to put salve on a wound.”
“We weren’t a couple,” he argued. “We weren’t even in love.”
“I understand that. You didn’t love her, but her death affected you more than you realized it would. What would happen if the woman you loved got sick? How would you
feel then? I think that’s why you keep everyone at arm’s length.”
“We’re not discussing me.”
“What’s amazing is that you’re still a wonderful doctor with a great bedside manner, but I’ve noticed something,” she drawled. “You don’t make eye contact with your patients. You study their charts, you listen to their symptoms. But you don’t look at them.”
“I look at them.” He winced at his excusatory tone.
“You don’t, not really. Oh, a cursory glance and a smile, sure, lots of teasing if they’re fairly healthy, which most of your patients are, but the others—” she shook her head “—you don’t. You see them, but you don’t connect.” She fingered a book on a shelf, the latest bestseller he hadn’t had time to read. “Bryan, I’m not judging you. I—I understand that need to keep some distance. I—I even envy your ability to keep things casual and pull away before things get serious.” She closed her eyes briefly. “Sometimes I think if I were normal…”
That brought him out of his stupor. “What do you mean, if you were normal?”
Chapter 13
WHAT DO YOU mean by ‘normal’?” he asked again when she didn’t answer.
Melissa turned to look at him, her expression battle-weary and proud, vulnerable but determined. “Nothing. It’s just that the normal part of me who planned ahead died like your friend. With every needle and cut of the scalpel, with every single hair that fell out of my head, I stopped believing in tomorrow and I live in the now. Bryan, don’t you see? All I could handle was the day, that day, and sometimes I couldn’t handle those! I had to live moment by moment because it was all I could manage, and if I refuse to put someone else through that, that’s my right. You and my father need to respect that.”
Bryan braced his hands on the edge of the sofa table, gripping it tight to keep from grabbing her and shaking her. She kept running away from her inability to see herself as healthy by shifting the subject to him.
Melissa picked up her purse and he bit back an order to stay. They had a lot more to say to each other. He wanted her to fight. To live. But moments later he heard the soft snick of the door being closed, and her rapid descent on the stairs. Her car started and pulled away and still he stood there, his hands locked onto the table.
Finally he got his anger under control and lifted his head to survey the remains of what had been another wonderful evening with Melissa until it had degenerated into a fight.
He prowled the room, went downstairs to lock up and set the security alarm, then headed upstairs again where he sat down and stared at the papers Melissa had left behind in her rush to get away from him.
In that instant he wanted her back, wanted to redo the night and erase the argument. Sit down beside her and make her laugh so he could see the way her eyes crinkled at the corners, the cute way her nose wrinkled up when she made a face. Watch the soft fullness of her lips when they curled into a smile or, better yet, feel them beneath his.
Dear God above, he wanted her to fight for her life. He wanted her to live and love, and he wanted her— He wanted her.
He wanted her not to be so right.
* * *
ASHLEY OPENED the door, her smile revealing her confusion. “Bryan? It’s late. Is something wrong?”
“Is Joe up?”
“No, he’s asleep, but I can go get—”
“No, that’s okay.” Ashley looked as muddled as Bryan felt, and he shook his head at himself. “Actually you might be the person I need to talk to.”
“Okay.” She bounced the fussy baby in her arms. “Come on in.”
Bryan entered the remodeled kitchen and paced across the floor. “I’m sorry for coming so late. I was out driving around and I thought I’d take a walk around the pond, but then I saw the light come on—”
“It’s fine. As you can see Issy is hungry. Would you like something to drink? Some coffee? Water?”
“No, thanks.”
“Bryan? Bryan? What did Melissa do?”
He looked up and found Ashley watching him, curiosity clear on her pretty features. “Why do you think this is about Melissa?”
Ashley shot him an amused look before she grabbed the bottle she’d already prepared. She settled herself in a chair and gently inserted the nipple into Issy’s searching mouth. “Because I’ve seen you watching her. You don’t look at her like a boss, Bryan. You never have. Not from the moment I met you and saw the two of you together.”
He shook his head. “You’re wrong. When I moved here she had already been diagnosed with cancer and was undergoing treatment.”
“I know.”
“How do you— What do you think you know?”
She smiled at him, one of those tolerant, humoring smiles he used to see his grandmother give his granddad. “Do you remember when you invited me to the book-club discussion at the library?”
He nodded.
“Well, I was getting Max out of the car seat and had just turned around when Melissa walked by. You two were aware of each other even then. She blushed after receiving a single look from you, and you…you told me she was sick and you could barely get the words out. You couldn’t stand the thought of her being ill and left the room after I asked about her.”
“That was rude.”
Ashley’s rich laughter warmed the room. “I’m not telling you this to give you a hard time about your manners. You had a connection to Melissa back then, and I imagine it’s become stronger since you started working with her.”
“It’s there,” he admitted reluctantly. “A long time ago I spent a few summers here as a kid and Melissa and I played together a lot.” He smiled, remembering. “The Popsicle Gang,” he said with a laugh. “That was our club. Stupid name, huh?”
“I think it’s sweet.”
“But that’s not— Ashley, I know more than I care to know about the ravages of cancer. I have a connection to her because I know what’s been done to her. I know what might— I understand what she’s been through, that’s all.”
“Not quite. Empathy is one thing, but it doesn’t explain why you’re out wandering around at midnight.”
No, it didn’t. “We were working on the fund-raiser tonight and needed to set the dates for the events she’s come up with. When she wouldn’t give me an answer, I confronted her.” He’d resumed pacing while he spoke, but stopped to ask, “Did you know she doesn’t plan ahead?”
Ashley looked thoughtful. “I’ve noticed a time or two that she’s been leery of accepting invitations until right before the date. Why?”
“It’s more than that. It’s…it’s why she does it. Melissa doesn’t accept invitations because she doesn’t think she’ll be here or else she’ll be undergoing treatment or something. She’s cancer-free now and yet she lives day to day because she’s that scared of believing in the future.”
“And that angers you?”
“Of course it does!” His loud declaration startled the baby and Isabella released the bottle with a whimpering cry. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare her.”
“She’s fine.” Ashley soothed the baby and she was eating again within seconds. “Bryan, it sounds to me like Melissa is afraid and she has good reason to be. You can’t argue that.”
He raked his fingers through his hair. “I’m not. I understand that, but she can’t— What was it you said Mac’s motto was?” he asked, referring to her first husband, who’d died and left Ashley a single mother. “Something about attitude being everything? Well, that’s true of cancer. Attitude is everything with the disease, with winning the battle. If you think you’re going to die, your body feels it and it responds accordingly. Patients have to fight with everything they’ve got and even then it doesn’t always work, but if they don’t believe it from the beginning… Melissa has separated herself from life and built a wall to protect herself.”
“Do you blame her?”
“No, but, Ashley, you need to talk to her. If the cancer does return, she can’t go through it alone. She needs t
o find someone who’ll help her, and with her dad marrying Ellen, Melissa’s going to need someone to be with her.”
“I agree,” Ashley murmured, her expression shrewd. “So why not you?”
* * *
WHY NOT HIM?
Bryan pretended not to hear her. “All I’m saying is that it’s a waste of her life,” he said. “Anyone who can get Mr. Mason to laugh out loud has got a great sense of humor. And you wouldn’t believe the fund-raising ideas she came up with. Have you heard about the argument she had here with her dad in the dining room?”
“Yeah. Dara told me.”
“Well, I never thought I’d agree with the chief, but he’s right. Melissa survived her cancer diagnosis physically, but emotionally she’s… She’s not living the second chance she’s been given and she refuses to try!” He shook his head. “What is she afraid of? It’s more than just the cancer and her prognosis. Ashley, something else is going on here and I can’t figure out what it is.”
“Figure out what?” a low voice growled.
Bryan turned and found Joe leaning against the door frame. He looked tired, but wide-awake and angry, like a bear wakened early from hibernation.
“Why are you yelling at my wife?”
“Sorry we woke you,” Ashley murmured, her smile tender. “Bryan’s upset and frustrated, but not with me. He came to talk about Melissa.”
Joe blinked. “Frustrated, huh?” He shoved himself away from the wall and stepped deeper into the kitchen, barely disguising a yawn, his bare feet making no noise as he padded across the floor. Standing by Ashley’s chair, he palmed the tiny head of his daughter and leaned over to give Ashley a quick kiss on the lips. “You were supposed to wake me up and let me take care of her.”
“You’ve fed her every night since we got home, and then gotten up and worked all day. I figured I could take this one. Besides,” she added, “if I hadn’t, I would’ve missed Bryan’s revelations about Melissa.”
