by Claire Raye
I walk through the open door and she follows me in. The room is lit up by the open blinds allowing the sunlight to stream in. One wall is covered in bookshelves and filled with books of all shapes and sizes. There’s a small desk, a couch, a few chairs along with a coffee table and side tables. It looks like an office in someone’s house and again, I guess this wasn’t what I was expecting.
Throughout all of this, I’ve dealt with hospitals and doctors, nurses and sterile rooms. It’s felt so clinical and processed and formulaic, this feels different. This feels comforting.
I sit down on the couch, right in the center and I shift off to the side, feeling more closed in with the arm of the couch against my side. Liz sits down across from me, a pad of paper and a pen in her hand, and a small clock resting on the table next to her.
I have no idea why it happens, but before she can say anything, I burst into tears. One minute I’m totally fine and the next minute I’m sobbing uncontrollably.
“I’m sorry,” I blubber out, my words garbled and lost, but she obviously catches them as she nods her head.
“There are tissues next to you,” she adds, motioning with a tilt of her head. “This happens a lot.”
She waits a few seconds, letting me regroup and wipe at my tear-stained face, the tissue now a wadded, soggy mess.
“I’m sorry,” I repeat. “I have no idea why I’m crying like this. You don’t even know why I’m here and I’m already sitting here sobbing.” I sniff a few times, trying to get myself under control. I know this won’t be the last time this happens. Hell, it feels like it will probably be the norm for a while, and it may even happen again the next time I try to speak.
“Because you’ve held things in for so long,” Liz says, and she couldn’t be more right. I mean it is her job to know these things, but still.
“It was recommended that I see a therapist,” I tell her, finally saying something more than sobs or apologies.
“Okay, well I normally start with a few simple things,” Liz starts. “I try to keep it easy and light, allow you to get comfortable with sharing, but I’m also open to however you want to start.”
“Well, I guess me sobbing straightaway is an indication that I’m pretty fu…” I stop short of saying it, realizing I’m not chatting with a friend and I really need to get away from the shaming of myself. “That I’m in need of help,” I say instead.
“Most people who show up here are. I always say I’ll try my best, but I can’t fix you. That part comes from a lot of hard work on your part. I’m just here to guide you.”
“I’m in desperate need of a guide,” I admit, knowing I’ve been lost and wandering through my life as if I’m on autopilot. “I transferred schools this semester because I hoped it would help, but…”
“But it just feels like running away? The problems are still there, huh?” Liz says and I hate how right she really is.
“Everything came out in a really ugly way and almost ruined my relationship with my boyfriend, and he still doesn’t know it all,” I admit, and again, my nose begins to sting, the tears falling before I can stop them.
“But he’s still here?” she asks.
“He is,” I stutter out, my breathing ragged and my words broken.
“That’s a huge start.”
He came back. He came back to me despite all my lies, despite what he found out in that hospital, but he still doesn’t know how ugly it really got. I can’t help but wonder when he finds out the truth, will he really want someone as damaged as me?
“But he doesn’t know I was raped.”
My head falls into my hands, the tears burn my eyes as their warmth runs down my cheeks. I can’t say anything more, each sob strangles my words.
And when I finally calm down, I tell Liz everything. Every single detail of what happened to me and everything that has happened since.
Chapter Twenty
Adam
“So, you gonna tell me why you’re wearing that shit eating grin?” I ask, sliding a beer toward my brother.
Josh lets out a laugh, shaking his head as he smiles back at me. “Who says I am?”
I roll my eyes at him. “Please, you’ve been looking like that all day, spill it.”
He shakes his head at me as he lifts the bottle of beer to his mouth and takes a sip. The bar is busy tonight, which is hardly surprising given it’s a Friday. I wasn’t able to get out of my shift tonight, but we’d spent the day hanging out together, seeing the sights of Hawthorn and trying to come up with a plan for the rest of his time here.
“Not gonna tell me?” I prompt.
“Nothing to tell,” he replies, that same smug grin on his face.
“You’re an idiot,” I say, flicking my towel at him, just as Reid and Matt walk over. “Boys,” I say, nodding at them both.
Reid grins at us, leaning on the bar beside Josh, Matt next to him. I make the introductions before grabbing them two extra beers and wandering off to serve some more customers.
I don’t get much of a chance to hang out with the guys for the rest of the night, but Josh seems to be having fun with them, laughing as they knock back a few drinks. They all leave before I finish my shift and by the time I head home, it’s late.
I barely saw Mila today after she left early for class this morning. I’d hung around waiting for her to come back to the apartment, but in the end, she’d texted to say she was going to the counseling center to work, telling me to go hang out with Josh for the day and she’d see me later. By the time I had to go to work, she still hadn’t come home and a part of me couldn’t help but worry or wonder if she was okay.
When I get back to the apartment, I head straight over to Mila’s, grabbing a quick shower before quietly walking into her bedroom. She’s left a side lamp on for me, the room bathed in a soft glow and when I look at the bed, I can see she’s curled up on her side, fast asleep.
Just the sight of her makes my chest ache and I quickly pull on some boxers before crawling into bed beside her, pulling her into my arms.
She stirs a little, burrowing her face into my chest, but not waking up. Closing my eyes, I press a kiss to the top of her head, inhaling her scent as a feeling of calmness washes over me, reminding me that this is exactly where I belong.
I never thought I’d find this again and even though Josh coming over here and telling me about all the shit that’s going on with Rachel’s parents is the last thing I needed to hear, it all feels a million miles away as I lie here beside Mila. Far enough away that I can pretend it doesn’t exist.
“How was work?”
I smile, brushing the hair back from her face as I look down at her. “Busy,” I whisper. “Go back to sleep, baby.”
Mila sighs, her warm breath brushing across my chest and sending a shiver down my spine as she drifts off.
The next morning, I wake late to an empty bed and the muffled sound of voices somewhere in the apartment, punctured by my brother’s loud laugh. Groaning, I roll onto my back, shoving a hand through my hair as I blink my eyes awake.
I reach for my phone and see it’s almost ten, before rolling out of bed, pulling on some sweats and a t-shirt and heading out to the kitchen.
“Morning, sleepy,” my brother calls.
I grunt as I walk past, heading to the kitchen, but stopping by the couch to give Mila a kiss. “Hey, baby,” I whisper. “You good?”
“Uh huh,” she says, offering me a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes.
“Sure?” I ask, cupping her cheek.
Mila’s eyes flick to Charlie and Josh who are sitting on the other couch, before returning to me. “Yeah,” she says before changing the subject. “What are we going to do today?”
I kiss her again, not convinced she really is okay but not wanting to push it in front of the others. I’m not sure what’s changed or if something happened yesterday at the clinic again, but something feels off. “I don’t know, you have any ideas for what yo
u wanna do, bro?”
Josh looks over at me, that same smug grin he wore all day yesterday still on his face. “Dunno, you want to go see a movie or something?” he suggests.
I let out a laugh. “You come all the way to the States and you want to see a movie?”
Josh shrugs, his gaze briefly moving to Mila before turning back to me. “Yeah, why not?”
It takes me a second to realize he’s actually suggesting it as a way of helping Mila, knowing it’s harder for her to get around and us all going to see a movie means she doesn’t have to walk too much. “Okay, sounds good,” I quickly say, not wanting her to work it out. “Just let me grab some coffee first.”
I head into the kitchen to grab a cup, turning to find my brother has followed me in. He leans against the counter, watching me pour, his arms crossed over his chest.
“You want some?” I ask.
“Nope,” he replies, shaking his head. “Already had two. Have been up for hours.”
“Jet lag?” I ask, mirroring his position on the opposite counter.
A slow grin spreads across his face. “Something like that,” he says.
“Seriously, what the fuck is going on with you?” I ask. Josh turns and looks into the living area, which is now empty I guess because Mila and Charlie have gone to get changed, before glancing in the direction of Charlie’s bedroom. “Fuck, really?” I ask.
“What?”
“You hooked up with her, didn’t you?”
He chuckles. “Maybe, what if I did?”
“Fuck me,” I mutter, scrubbing a hand down my face. I am not awake enough for this conversation. “If you fuck with her, Josh, I will seriously cut your balls off.”
“Ugh,” he scoffs, holding a hand to his heart. “Brother, you wound me,” he says, mockingly. “Would I do something like that?”
I raise a brow. “You really want an answer to that?” I ask him. “I know your type.”
“Whatever,” he says, waving a hand as though to dismiss my comment. “It’s mutual and fun for both of us, don’t sweat it.”
“Don’t you fuck it up,” I say, pointing a finger at him. “She’s seriously great, okay and I do not need to be picking up the pieces when you leave and break her heart.”
Josh rolls his eyes at me, his smile fading. “Trust me, it won’t come to that,” he says, a touch of bitterness to his tone. “But enough about my situation, what are you going to do about yours?”
“What are you talking about?” I ask, stalling as I glance again at the living area to confirm we’re alone.
“Really,” he says sarcastically. “You can’t ignore this forever, Adam.”
“I’m not.”
“Yeah, dude, you are,” he says, crossing his ankles as he stares at me. “You know you need to face this and well…” he trails off as though trying to find the words. “With you being with Mila now and basically back to normal and—”
I scoff at his words. “You think I’m back to normal?”
“Aren’t you?” he asks.
I shake my head. “Hardly,” I murmur. “And in any case, with everything going on with Mila, all that other stuff.” I pause, waving my hand around. “I just don’t have time for it right now.”
“So, what,” he says, pushing off the bench and walking toward me. “You’re just gonna let them take over? Just gonna let them take away your choice, take away everything you and Rachel worked for?”
“Does it even matter?” I ask him, my jaw tight as I try to keep my voice down. “She’s gone, that life is gone. What’s the fucking point?”
Josh lets out a humorless laugh. “Right and I guess it meant nothing to you, then, did it?”
I put my coffee down before I do something I regret as I step closer, so we are face to face. “Are you fucking serious right now?”
Josh smirks at me, knowing exactly what he’s doing as he pushes again. “Well if it did, you’d do the right thing and lay Rachel to rest, wouldn’t you? Sort things out with her family, with that part of your life.”
My hands clench into fists at my sides as I mentally tell myself to calm the fuck down and not take this somewhere I know I’ll only regret. I’ve never once in my life punched my brother in anger, but right now, I am struggling to hold back, my whole body vibrating with a furious energy.
“I can’t do it.”
“You have to,” he says, his face only inches from mine.
“I can’t,” I repeat.
Josh takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “You have to, Adam. For Rachel and for Mila.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I ask, stepping back. “What does this even have to do with Mila?”
Josh steps toward me again, his hand on my shoulder now. “How are you supposed to move on, truly move on like I know you want to, like I can see you’re trying to do, when you won’t lay the past to rest? You need to face what happened, Adam. You need to come home and sort things out because you’ll never truly be able to be with Mila if you don’t.”
My heart pounds in my chest at his words as I step away from him, shoving my hands into my hair and gripping it tightly. I don’t know why he thinks what happened back in Australia has anything to do with what’s happening now between me and Mila, but he couldn’t be more wrong.
They have nothing to fucking do with each other.
“Adam,” he says, his voice lower.
“What?” I snap.
“You know you need to do this,” he says. “You owe it to Rachel, and you owe it to yourself. It doesn’t have to be for long, just a couple of weeks.”
I’m shaking my head before he’s even finished. “I can’t leave her, Josh,” I say, my voice raw, the words catching in my throat. “Not now, not after everything.”
Josh offers me a sympathetic smile. “She’ll understand.”
“No,” I say, still shaking my head. “She won’t and I can’t…I can’t fucking do that to her again.”
Josh exhales in frustration, turning away from me, before suddenly freezing. I follow his gaze, turning to the living area and the space beyond, where Mila stands in her open bedroom door, watching us.
My stomach sinks, my heart pounding out in a hard rhythm in my ribcage as I wonder how much she heard just then.
“Hey,” I say, forcing a smile. “You okay?”
Mila smiles back at me but once again it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Yeah,” she says, the word barely audible. “I’m ready to go.”
I swallow back the lump in my throat as I glance at Josh, whose face is covered with regret as he turns to me and mouths, “Sorry.” Shaking my head, I reach for my coffee, before walking out of the kitchen and toward Mila.
Stopping in front of her, I brush her hair back, cupping her cheek as I tilt her face to mine and lean down and brush a soft kiss against her lips. “You sure?”
Mila nods, her tongue poking out to lick her bottom lip. “Are you okay?” she asks, her eyes wide as she stares up at me, searching my face.
I can tell from the look on her face that she’s heard what Josh and I were talking about, that she knows something’s going on back in Australia and that Josh is telling me I need to go back there. My chest aches with the worry I can see in her eyes, the fear she’s trying to bury, even though I can see right through her.
“Yeah, baby,” I whisper, forcing a smile as I lean in to kiss her again. “I’m good. I’ll just grab a quick shower and then we can get going. You guys wanna pick something to watch?”
Mila stares up at me, her eyes unblinking as she waits, watching me as though she’s trying to work out what I’m not saying. It feels like this has become our thing lately. The two of us are closer than ever before, but still somehow miles apart because of all the things we aren’t telling each other.
I know we both still carry secrets. Secrets that weigh us down, drowning us, even as we cling to each other, desperate to stay afloat.
Mila opens
her mouth as dread pools heavy in my stomach. “Okay,” she whispers, kissing me again before hobbling toward Josh.
Trying to ignore the fear that lingers, I make my way into her bedroom to get changed, praying to fucking god that Josh keeps his mouth shut about anything to do with Rachel or Australia or all the things that deep down I know I need to deal with.
Chapter Twenty-One
Mila
I look down at my arm, the brightly colored cast now a little duller and dirtier, but I don’t really care. I’m completely ready for this and my heavy boot to come off. I remember so little from the accident it feels like it was a lifetime ago. That evening and the next day slipping in and out of consciousness, it’s hard to even recall what it was like.
What I do remember like it was yesterday though, was what happened in the hospital when Adam found out about my abortion. But the abortion was just an underlying effect of what really occurred and I’m still lying to him. But he’s also still lying to me, too.
I’m staring up at the ceiling, the room still dark but I know my alarm will be going off any minute. Adam came in late and even though we’ve been sharing a bed for the better part of the last five months, I hate to wake him.
Today it’s more about not wanting to have to talk to him, to avoid any conversation that could lead to me admitting to him about what happened to me at that party or worse yet, admitting to him that I know he’s keeping things from me.
It’s hard not to want to push back at him, to not want to use what he’s hiding from me as an excuse to be angry or blame him or to push my own issues to the side. It’s childish and immature, and that’s something I’m working hard on not doing anymore. I need to stop running from my problems. I need to stop avoiding discussions about my own issues. Bringing up what I overheard Adam and Josh talking about would only be a deflection from what I really need to tell Adam.
