by Claire Raye
“What is it then?” she asks, her words quiet, a panic in her tone.
“I was raped,” I say, finally just blurting it out. “By that guy at the party. It’s how I ended up pregnant. It’s why I didn’t come home that night. I told you I stayed with him, but I was at the hospital.”
“Mila, why didn’t you tell me?” she asks, and each word comes out shaky and scared.
“Because I couldn’t even admit it to myself. You’re the first person besides my therapist that I said the words out loud to.”
Charlie reaches over, resting a hand on the side of my head, a silence falling over the room because no one really knows what to say when faced with something like this.
“I’m sorry,” she says.
“So am I. I should’ve told you.”
“No, Mila. Don’t apologize. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry you went through this alone. I’m sorry that you didn’t think you could tell me.”
“No more secrets, I promise,” I tell her, meaning it. I’m done with hiding things. I’m done with trying to act like I’m alright when inside I’m falling apart.
“No more secrets,” she says back, and I give her hand a squeeze. “Are you okay?” she now asks.
“No, but I will be.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Adam
The past week has flown by. Way faster than I expected or wanted it to. When I’d finally accepted that me going back with Josh was something I had to do, I’d been hoping that I wouldn’t be able to get a flight or that they’d be so crazy expensive that it just wouldn’t be an option. Anything to get out of doing this.
But of course, it had been easy. Josh had an open ticket and not only had we both booked the same return flight, it hadn’t blown through my savings either. And before I could even begin to start processing it, I had a ticket back to Australia and only a week to work out how the fuck I was supposed to do this.
“Are you all packed?” Mila asks, her voice low in the early morning quiet of her bedroom.
“No,” I reply, wrapping my arms around her as she slides closer.
“Should we get up then?”
I exhale, my eyes still closed as I lean closer, burying my face against her hair. “Can we just stay here for a bit longer?”
Mila’s arm wraps around my waist, her head resting on my shoulder. “Are you okay?” she asks.
Things have been a little better between us this past week, almost as though her telling me about seeing a therapist and me making the decision to go back, has somehow helped ease whatever burdens we carry. But as much as this is a starting point, we both know there’s still so much more to be said to each other. So many things we still need to talk about.
“I don’t want to go,” I eventually say, kissing the top of her head.
Mila squeezes me. “I know, but you know you need to.”
“I don’t want to leave you,” I tell her, knowing that as terrified as I am to go back home, leaving her scares me even more. I worry that something will happen while I’m gone, that she’ll think I’m not coming back, or that she’ll feel abandoned because I’ve left her when she so clearly needs me.
I don’t want to do that to her. Not again. Not after last time.
“Adam,” she murmurs, lifting her head to look at me, a mix of sadness and regret in her eyes.
I cup her jaw, my fingers curling around the back of her neck. “Come with me,” I blurt out, already knowing what her answer will be. Hell, it’s not fair of me to even ask.
“You know I can’t,” she whispers, propping herself up on my chest.
“I know,” I reply with a nod. “I just…” I pause, sucking in a deep breath. “I don’t want to go and…” I lean up to kiss her, pulling her closer as I do. “I’m coming back, you know that, right?”
Mila nods, but doesn’t say anything. This close, I can see the fear in her eyes, the worry that maybe I won’t, that I’ll change my mind or things will take longer than I think, or god knows what.
“Please tell me you believe me,” I whisper.
She meets my eyes, giving me a small nod, but still saying nothing.
“I’m not going until I know you believe me,” I say, cupping her face in my hands now, so she can’t look away. “I’m coming back, Mila, I promise. I love you and this is exactly where I want to be. Here, with you.”
She sighs. “I know, I believe you, Adam.”
“Promise?” I repeat, needing to hear her say it, even if it is only just words.
“I promise,” she says, finally giving me a small smile.
“I’ll be back as soon as I can,” I tell her. “And we can talk every day, whenever you want, just call me. And all my stuff is still here, so you know…Mila, I’m coming back, I promise you.” My words sound desperate, as though I’m trying to convince both of us.
I have every intention of coming back here as soon as possible, although my return ticket is open ended at this stage. But I also have no fucking idea how long this is all going to take or whether Rachel’s parents are going to make things harder than they need to be given how long it’s taken me to face all the things I ran from. I have no fucking clue what they think of me at all now, but my guess is it won’t be anything good.
Mila brushes her lips against mine. “I believe you, Adam,” she whispers again.
I kiss her back, pulling her closer as I whisper, “Come here,” needing her now more than ever.
The rest of the day passes quickly and before I know it, the four of us are in the car and on our way to LAX. Mila sits in the front passenger seat beside me, her hand in mine as I drive. Charlie and Josh sit in the back, none of us talking as an awkward silence fills the car.
“So how long is your flight?” Charlie suddenly asks.
“Fourteen hours to Sydney and then another five across to Perth,” Josh says.
I glance in the rearview mirror, meeting his gaze as he gives me a small smile. He knows how much I don’t want to do this, and I know he feels partly responsible. As though because he’s the one who told me about what’s going on back home, this is somehow all his fault.
“Wow, that really is the other side of the world, huh,” Charlie says.
I glance at Mila, who sits silently beside me, her eyes watching the road in front of us. Squeezing her hand, I lift it to my mouth and kiss her knuckles, hating every single thing about this.
When we finally reach the airport, I pull into one of the parking spots in front of departures. Switching off the engine, Charlie and Josh hop out, their doors shutting and leaving Mila and I alone in the car for a few minutes.
“You okay?” I ask.
Mila nods, biting her bottom lip as she turns to me. “Yeah,” she whispers. “You?”
I shake my head, tugging her closer. “I miss you already.”
I kiss her, slowly, gently, wanting to savor everything about her, as though to remind myself of what I have waiting here for me. Mila kisses me back, as though she’s doing the same thing and I hate that we are both so terrified at this moment.
“We should get going,” she eventually says, her lips against mine.
I nod, resting my forehead against hers. “We’re going to get through this,” I say.
Mila smiles, her hand resting on my cheek. “Come on.”
We get out of the car, grabbing the bags from the back as we all stand awkwardly beside the car. I step toward Charlie first, pulling her into a tight hug as I whisper, “Please look after my girl and call me if anything happens.”
“I will,” she murmurs, her arms wrapping around my waist.
“I’m coming back, make sure she remembers that.”
“I will,” she repeats, squeezing me, before stepping back.
I turn to Mila now, leaving my brother to say his goodbyes to Charlie, as I reach for my girl and pull her into a tight embrace, burying my face against the crook of her neck. I suck in a deep brea
th, inhaling her scent as I try to memorize everything about her.
“I love you so fucking much, Mila,” I whisper, my mouth at her ear. “I love you and I’m coming back; I promise.”
Mila turns so her mouth is against my ear. “I love you too and I’ll be right here waiting for you.”
I nod, biting the inside of my cheek as tears suddenly threaten to fill my eyes. I have to swallow hard before I pull back to look at her.
“You’re so beautiful,” I whisper before I lean in and kiss her, slow and deep this time.
When I eventually pull back, I watch as Mila slowly opens her eyes, her lips swollen and a light flush on her cheeks. I smile, trailing my fingers down her neck to the necklace I gave her for her birthday, my fingers tracing the chain as she smiles up at me.
“I’ll see you soon, baby.”
“Okay.”
I give her one more quick hard kiss before I grab my backpack and start walking inside, knowing that if I don’t go now, I never will.
Josh runs to catch up with me, his hand on my shoulder as he asks, “You okay?”
I shake my head. “Nope.”
He gives it a squeeze but says nothing more as we make our way to the check-in counter.
Once we’re through the check-in process, we head toward our gate, Josh scanning the space before nudging me with his elbow and leading me toward a bar. I follow in silence, feeling torn in two at this point and wondering how Mila really is now that this is all actually happening.
Josh takes a seat at the bar, ordering us a couple of beers as I sit beside him. “You wanna talk about it?” he asks as the bartender slides our drinks toward us.
“Not really,” I reply, taking a sip as I change the subject. “What about you, how are you doing?” I glance sideways, raising a brow in question. He and I haven’t really talked about what was going on with him and Charlie, but I kind of get the feeling he was really into her, and not just because of the sex.
Josh shrugs. “I don’t know that there’s much to say,” he says.
“You like her though?” I ask.
Josh nods. “I do, yeah, but I get the feeling Charlie is okay with me going. Like she wasn’t looking for anything more.”
“Well, to be fair, she always knew there was an end date on things. That you were leaving.”
Josh shrugs. “I guess.”
I slap him on the back, trying to lighten the mood a little. “You can always come visit me again,” I say. “I mean, have you thought about what you’re gonna do now you’ve finished uni?”
He turns to me, an unreadable expression on his face. “You’re really coming back here, huh?”
“Yes,” I reply immediately. “I am.”
“You love her that much?” Josh asks.
“More than anything,” I tell him.
“More than Rachel?”
His question feels like a hard punch to the gut, as though he’s somehow judging me and what I have with Mila or what Rachel and I had before. “Seriously?” I ask, the word coming out harsher than I intend.
“Sorry,” he says, regret written all over his face.
I exhale, scrubbing a hand down my face as I try to work out how to explain it. Or why I even have to. “It’s different with Mila,” I start, my eyes on the TV screen hanging behind the bar. “I love her in ways that are different to what I had with Rachel. But she means everything to me, Josh and after I nearly lost her once, I can’t go through it again.”
From the corner of my eye, I see him nod, but he doesn’t say anything more and instead, we sit side by side, silently sipping our beers.
The flight home is long and boring. All around me, I hear the familiar sounds of the Australian accent, from passengers and the flight crew. It feels weird and overwhelming, having been away from it for so long.
Josh and I share a row of seats, but I spend most of my time half watching movies or looking through my phone, re-reading old messages with Mila or looking at photos of her and us.
And with every kilometer the plane puts between me and her, the more my chest aches with wanting to go back to her, with wondering how she’s doing or if she’s okay.
When we eventually land in Sydney, I try calling her, but the call rings out and eventually goes through to voicemail. When I check the time difference, I realize she’s probably sleeping and had it on silent like she usually does. I leave her a message though, counting down the hours until she’s awake and I can try again.
By the time we land in Perth, I’m mentally and physically exhausted, wanting nothing more than a shower and to sleep for a couple of hours.
“Who’s picking us up?” I ask as Josh and I stand from our seats, waiting to get off the plane.
“Both of them is my guess,” he says, glancing over his shoulder at me.
I nod, sucking in a deep breath as I try and prepare myself to see my parents for the first time in over a year.
I spot them as soon as we walk into the airport, the two of them standing side by side, an anxious look on my mum’s face as she scans the people coming off the plane. My dad sees us first, being the taller of the two and he holds up a hand in a silent wave as Josh and I make our way toward them.
“Hey,” I say awkwardly as I stop in front of them, suddenly nervous about the reaction I’m going to get from them.
My mum immediately bursts into tears as she steps closer and wraps her arms around me, my dad meeting my eyes as I pull her into a hug. She doesn’t let go and eventually he gives up waiting, stepping toward us as he pulls us both into a bear hug and says, “Welcome home.”
My eyes close as that crack in my chest widens, knowing my home is actually thousands of miles away with a girl I miss now more than ever.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Mila
I feel this weird sense of relief and guilt pulsing throughout my body as I watch Adam walk through the automatic doors leading to the airport. I have an appointment with Liz in an hour and for once I don’t have to try to hide what is happening. Even after I admitted to Adam that I was seeing a therapist, I still didn’t tell him why. It’s starting to feel like manipulation, like I’m keeping him waiting intentionally, which is not the case at all, but I imagine he’s starting to feel that way.
I need to work with Liz on how to go about telling Adam, because this can’t go on. Not when he’s dealing with Rachel’s estate and the stress of going back home after all this time.
“You okay?” Charlie asks, as I take the ramp onto the freeway. She already knows the answer to this question, but she’s struggling with the silence that fills the car.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Are you really? Because I’m pretty sure you’re lying.”
“I’m trying to be okay with it. I understand that there’s a possibility he won’t come back, and I would understand if he didn’t. He has a life there. His family and friends are there, and I’m just a girl carrying a whole lot of baggage that he only met six months ago.”
“Stop it. You’re being really shitty to yourself right now,” Charlie barks, her voice loud in the confines of the car. “You aren’t just some girl with baggage, Mila. His life changed when he met you and if you can’t see that then you…” She doesn’t finish her thought and I smirk a little, shaking my head.
“Then I need therapy,” I say, jokingly finishing her sentence.
“I was going to say that, but I didn’t want to insult you,” she replies, sheepishly.
“But I was the first girl he had any interest in since Rachel passed. There are plenty of other girls—”
Charlie instantly cuts me off. “You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to play the martyr and act like you’re not something special to him. Stop setting yourself up for him to not come back. Stop trying to convince yourself he’s just like every other guy so you won’t get hurt.”
I quickly glance over at her. I hate that she knows me so well, so well in fact th
at it feels like she’s inside my head. If I separate myself from the situation with Adam leaving, then I won’t get hurt when he doesn’t come back.
“He’s coming back, Mila,” she says quietly and my heart clenches, my chest tightening at her words. A part of me is still struggling with wondering if I even deserve someone like Adam. That after everything I’ve been through, maybe I should just learn to be alone.
I look ahead, the road a point of mindlessness because I have no idea how to respond to Charlie. I want Adam to come back, desperately. So desperately that my entire body aches. It feels like I lost the last piece of me I had left and without him I’ll never be whole again.
Before Charlie can say anything more and before my waterworks start again, I hit her with a question there’s no way she didn’t see coming. “How do you feel about Josh leaving?”
“I knew he was leaving,” she replies casually. “It’s why what we were doing wasn’t a thing. It was for fun. He’s a nice guy, great in bed, good to look at, but it was never going to be anything.”
“Did you want it to be something more?”
“No, Mila, I didn’t,” she says flatly, and I can tell she’s getting annoyed.
I want to tell her I know why she picked Josh, but I keep my thoughts to myself. I’m not one to dish out advice when my life is as fucked up as it is. She picked Josh because he wasn’t real and real would mean getting too close, and Charlie doesn’t do close.
“Plus, I realized I really don’t like sharing a bed with a guy. His sticky, sweaty body was always pressed against mine. Like how do people sleep like that?” Charlie shudders dramatically and it makes me laugh. “I had to peel him off me when I snuck out of there in the morning.”
“You get used to it,” I say, trying to mimic her indifference, but what I really want to tell her, is that when you find the right person, that body wrapped around yours is like safety and love, guidance and peace all in one place and there’s nothing you want more than it.
