by Curtis Bunn
He handed bottles of red and white wine to Daniel, who gave him a faint greeting. “Wasn’t sure what your mom cooked, so I bought one of each.”
Lucy came out of the downstairs bathroom, smiling and bubbly. “Hi, Elliott. Haven’t seen you in this house in a long time.”
“I know,” he said. “Good to be here again.”
Daniel went to the family room, where an NBA game was playing on the television. The sound was down while Ronnie Jordan’s The Antidote played from the iPod dock. Elliott looked around and it felt like home, with Danielle and Lucy in the kitchen and he in the family room with Daniel watching sports.
“Thanks for having me over,” he said to Lucy from the family room.
“Can we talk after dinner?” she said. Dinner was important to Lucy. When married, she insisted they eat together, as a family, most every night. She was lenient on Fridays and Saturdays, but Sunday through Thursday was dinner at the dining room table. It was where they stayed in touch with each other.
“If nothing else, I want to have a nice dinner,” she added.
Elliott did not respond. He turned to Daniel. “Hey, listen, you mind opening that bottle of Syrah? I could use a glass of wine. You could, too, right?”
Daniel did not answer, but he opened the wine and brought his father a glass.
“You know what my last memory of you is in this house—other than leaving that night?” Daniel said. “We were playing Scrabble—me, you and Danielle. And you put down the word, ‘proud.’ It was a triple-word score for you. And you said, ‘That’s a great word because I’m proud of you. And I’ll make sure you’re always proud of me.’ And the next day you were gone. And I can’t say I’ve been that proud of you since then.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way, son. I am,” Elliott said. “The good news is that I’m still alive, which means there is a chance to turn it around.”
Daniel looked at his father for a second or two and turned to watch the game. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Danielle announced, “You can wash your hands. It’s ready.”
Elliott looked around the house some more and it did not feel like home as much. The look of it changed with the paint colors. There were new art pieces and no family photos that included him. He looked at himself in the mirror as he washed his hands, and his task seemed more daunting.
They got through dinner with lighthearted banter and even a few jokes. “Daddy,” Danielle said, “I never realized how big your head is. Having that wrapping around it outlines it. It’s shaped like a tea kettle.”
He was fine with being the target and was glad to see that the tension was minimized. “The staples come out next week, I think,” he said. “I want to see how this thing heals, what kind of mark it leaves.”
The meal of sautéed shrimp with stir-fried vegetables and rice pilaf went down nicely. They consumed both bottles of wine.
“Can I help clean up?” he asked.
“Yes, you can do the dishes,” Lucy said. “No, don’t worry about it. I’ll get them later. Let’s talk. You came over her for the first time in three years for a reason.”
They moved to the family room, where Daniel turned off the music, but kept the game on the television.
“Can you turn that off?” Elliott asked.
“The sound is down; what’s the difference?” Daniel snapped.
“Turn it off,” Lucy said, and he did.
Then Elliott got right to it. “First of all, I’m doing better,” he said. “It’s disappointing no one asked, so I thought I’d tell you. Secondly, I want to say I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what?” Danielle said.
“To you and Daniel, I’m sorry for embarrassing you with Tamara,” Elliott answered. “I’ll explain to you as I explained to her. I used her as a way to try to fill a void in my life, the void I have felt ever since the day I walked out of that door.
“The void was big because there was the void of not having the three most important people in my life. You kids are an extension of your mother and me and I would stand in front of a firing squad for you. When you would barely communicate with me, I felt helpless and hopeless and that’s a very tough place to be for someone who loves his kids as much as I love you.
“Listen, I spoke to Henry this morning. Do you know today is the one-year anniversary of when Jarrod was killed? It was heartbreaking to hear him talk about how much he misses his son. Last thing he told me was to make it right with you. He helped me understand that our relationship is too important to let it flounder like it has.”
He blinked away tears. “I love you and I need you to be my kids again. I need that relationship. One reason why I enjoyed talking to Tamara so much was because she reminded me of you: the youthfulness, the energy.
“At the same time, I needed her to not make me think of your mother.”
Daniel was calm and it was evident that Elliott’s heartfelt words got to him. But he and Danielle remained puzzled by one thing.
“Dad, that sounds good,” he said. “It does and I’ll be honest and say I feel better, a little better.”
“Me, too,” Danielle chimed in.
“But,” Daniel continued, “if you loved Mom and us so much, how could you leave? How could you do what you did to break up this family? That’s important because it’s been traumatic. Danielle and I talk about it all the time.”
“You do?” Lucy asked.
“Yes, we do, Mom,” Danielle said. “And we think we’re doing well and then something happens that makes us get upset and angry all over again. Angry at you, Dad.”
“Angry also because you shut us out of everything,” Daniel added. “We wanted to know what happened, why you cheated on Mom—shoot, cheated on all of us—to cause all this mess.”
“You all aren’t kids, but the children should not be in the middle of something their parents go through,” Elliott said.
“You’ve been saying that for three years, Dad,” Daniel said. “Give it a rest. How can we ever let go of our anger if you treat us like we don’t matter? We are in the middle of it. You put us there when you cheated.”
“Stop it,” Lucy said.
“Lucy, don’t,” Elliott interjected. “Don’t.”
“It’s time,” she said.
“What, Mommy?” Danielle asked.
“Lucy, we had an agreement,” Elliott said.
“See, you’re still trying to stop her from telling the truth,” Daniel said. “Why won’t you just admit it, Dad?”
“There’s nothing for him to admit,” Lucy said. “It wasn’t him. It was me. I cheated.”
Elliott dropped his head.
“What?” Danielle said. “Mommy…”
“It’s true,” Lucy said. “I can’t live with this eating away at me anymore. Your father was good to me. I cheated on him. I broke up the family.”
Elliott sat with his head in his hands. Tears slid down Danielle’s face. Daniel’s mouth was open. Lucy broke the silence.
“I was going through something and—”
“Lucy,” Elliott jumped in. “You don’t have to do this.”
“Thank you, Elliott, but I do,” she said. “You have protected me for three years. And I’m ashamed that I let your kids think the worst of you when I was the one who caused all this mess.”
“Mom, you had an affair? I can’t believe it,” Daniel said.
“Baby, it’s true,” she said. “I was in a bad place, even though we had a wonderful family. And I broke our vows.”
“Lucy, that’s enough,” Elliott said.
She had told her ex-husband the story at the time. “You were a good husband and a good father,” she said back, then added, “I was needy and insecure. You notice that whenever you spoke at an Innocence Project event I was trying to go? I wanted to see you and support you, yes. But I needed constant attention that showed I was loved and needed.
“You probably didn’t notice it because you were always there. We spent more time together than m
ost married couples. But there was a stretch of about a month when you were gone a lot and I couldn’t go because of work. Three weekends in a row. I met my sister and her friend at the St. Regis for dinner one night and when we were leaving, they jumped into their cars from the valet and I had them hold mine. I had to go to the bathroom.
“Well, it was upstairs and when I came out, I decided I wanted a drink at the bar. I get there, end up meeting a man and woman who were in town on business. She left me and the guy there and I got to drinking and he invited me to his room and…That was the only time I saw him.”
“But he called the house, Lucy,” Elliott responded. “That’s how I found out.”
“I had given him our number before I even finished my first drink,” she said. “There’s no excuse. I’m not gonna say it just happened. That would be an insult to you. It happened because I felt lonely but mostly because I was stupid.”
The details hurt Elliott even more, but he needed to hear them to assure it was not his fault.
“But why did you make Dad leave then?” Daniel said to his mother. “I was here. I heard you repeatedly tell him to leave.”
“Because I couldn’t face him,” Lucy said. “Because I didn’t deserve him. Seeing him would remind me of how awful a person I was.”
“I left at the time because I believed she needed to clear her head,” Elliott said.
“You were going to stay, knowing she—knowing what happened?” Daniel said.
“I’m not going to act like it was okay; it wasn’t,” Elliott said. “I was hurt and damaged. But we were a family, and if there was a way to get beyond it, I wanted to try.”
“I can’t believe this,” Danielle said. “Dad, you took all our shit—excuse my language—for all this time when you didn’t do anything? To protect Mom?”
“That’s your mother,” he said. “I made her promise that we’d not talk to you about it. Not lie to you, just not talk about it. I know how much your mom loves you and how much respect she deserves from you. I didn’t…I didn’t want that tarnished.”
“But you’d allow us to look at you in that way?” Daniel said.
“That’s love,” he said. “When you’re in love, truly in love, you’re programmed to protect.”
“I’m so sorry, first to Elliott; I never should have let you take that burden,” Lucy said. Then she sobbed. “Kids, I love you very much. I’m so sorry. I…I’m so ashamed. I’m so embarrassed.”
Her children hugged her. “I’m so glad to see this,” Elliott said. “This family has been through enough pain. We need to comfort each other.”
Elliott was not going to expose Lucy, no matter how the evening went. But Lucy admitting her infidelity lifted a burden off of him.
“Dad, I’m sorry, man,” Daniel said. “I have been so mad at you and treated you so crazy. I’m sorry.”
“Me, too, Daddy,” Danielle said, wiping away her tears. She moved over to Elliott and hugged him, resting her head on his chest. “I love you so much.”
Elliott closed his eyes and tears seeped through. He felt reconnected to his family again. Finally.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
We Be Clubbin’
The emotion of the revelation poured out for the next hour. Lucy did not face the wrath Elliott endured, mostly because the family could not transition more ill feelings to someone it loved so much. The kids were depleted of negative energy and overcome with love.
“Where does this leave us, Elliott?” Lucy said. “I mean, as I told you in the hospital, I do love you.”
“We should leave,” Daniel said. “We’re going upstairs.”
They left the room, but did not go to their rooms. They eavesdropped from the kitchen.
“Why are you telling me this now?” Elliott asked.
“Just like I couldn’t take not telling the kids the truth, I couldn’t take not letting you know how I feel,” she said. “I’m aware that what I did was unforgivable. But I can’t live any longer not telling the truth. Whatever you feel or say, I will deal with it. I feel so relieved just to say what’s on my heart.”
“Me, too,” Elliott said. “I hoped the kids would stop asking. It was hard phrasing my answers so I wasn’t lying to them.”
“This whole thing has been a nightmare,” Lucy said. “I’m sorry, Elliott. If you could find it in your heart to forgive me, it would mean the world to me.”
“I forgave you a long time ago,” Elliott said. “But I’m not different from most men. We have a double standard about cheating. We want you to forgive us, but if you cheat on us, well, it’s the end of the world. I went through that stage. As much as I was trying to save the marriage, I was torn up inside and I felt stupid, too. And maybe if my life before you was different, I would never have forgiven you. But I needed to let go of that burden to be able to live any kind of life, and I have.
“Also, I’m not crazy; I knew you very well and I knew—maybe from being sexually assaulted—that you needed to feel loved. That’s why there were times when I blamed myself because I knew, and yet I still glossed over it, thinking you’d be fine.
“I don’t blame myself anymore. But I do know that I could have been better about that part of it.”
“I’m so much better now,” Lucy said. “I have been in therapy and addressed it. Just so you know, I would never, ever hurt you again. My punishment is that I have to live with knowing I betrayed the love of my life.”
Lucy was losing her composure when Elliott slid next to her on the couch. He put his hand on her left knee. Touching her warmed his body.
“We’ve been through a lot,” he said. “All of it self-inflicted. I don’t know where this will go, but I know where it has the potential to go. We’ve cleared a big hurdle—my kids don’t hate me anymore.”
Danielle and Daniel could not take it anymore. They came from around the corner.
“Can we be a family again?” Danielle asked.
“I’ll say this,” Elliott began. “I never stopped loving your mother.”
“And I never stopped loving your father,” Lucy added.
“And so, we have a chance to at least do family things to try to build back what was lost,” Elliott said.
“I can’t ask for any more than that,” Lucy said. She hugged Elliott, and he felt at home again.
“I have an idea for our first family outing,” he said.
“What?” the three of them said in unison.
“There’s a party on Saturday at Bottle Bar in Buckhead,” Elliott interjected.
“Dad, no way,” Daniel said.
“A party, Daddy?” Danielle said. “Really?”
“What can I say?” Elliott cracked. “Once the old man in the club, always the old man in the club.”
He was only half-joking.
Ω
The Craft
I was fifty-two at the conclusion of writing this book—not quite old enough in theory to be an old man in the club. Still, I stopped clubbing several years ago. I liked to dance as much as the next guy. But it was just too loud in there, which may be a sign that I was too old for the club scene.
My preference for lounges and relative quiet took over in my early-40s. But, like you, I always wondered why the guy who was obviously two or three generations older than me would roam the nightclub as if he were hanging with his peers. That curiosity spawned this book.
As an author, I like to address situations—and confront questions—that we all consider, but sometimes never receive an answer. In many cases, there is no answer. It is what it is. In the case of the old man in the club, I created a multi-level answer in Elliott Thomas.
Without even trying, we pass judgment on someone in a nanosecond. Almost instantly we assess a person’s values, motives and character. We do this without even saying a word to the person. Most of the time it is an involuntary reaction. We just do it.
But is it fair?
To my way of thinking, a man sixty-one years old who hangs out with young adults
his children’s age does it for reasons beyond being the proverbial “dirty old man,” although those characters certainly exist. In the case of this book, Elliott was more complex. He had his reasons—real and imagined—and that’s what made writing this book so much fun and so challenging.
To explore his psyche, address his demons, examine his hang-ups and dive into his heart took me on a literary journey that was fulfilling. I did not always agree with Elliott on this journey. But I empathized with him. I admired his strength, his commitment—to himself, his ex-wife, his kids and his friend, Henry.
And by the time I was done, I understood his actions, even if I did not agree with all of them. Above all, I came to a conclusion about myself: No more judging of people from a distance.
We have no idea what has happened in people’s lives that impact how they act, what they do, who they are. After Elliott Thomas, I look at the old man in the club differently. He could be there because he’s a pervert. I choose to believe he’s there for reasons far more complicated than I could imagine. And since this is a free country, why not do the things that make you feel your best?
I do not expect to be the old man in the club one day. But if you see me out there in a decade or so, don’t judge me. I would have my reasons. Just offer me a drink and point me toward the exit.
Curtis Bunn
Discussion Questions
1) What was your impression of “old men in the club” before the book and did it change after reading it?
2) What would make a young woman attracted to a man her father’s age and did you understand Tamara’s interest in Elliott?
3) Did you approve/understand Danielle’s and Daniel’s disenchantment with and treatment of their father? Why?
4) What did you think of Elliott’s commitment to keeping the secret he kept, even though it impacted the way his children felt about him?
5) What did you make of Lucy’s confession? Should she have said something earlier?
6) How did you take Elliott remaining friends with Henry after learning about his lifestyle?
7) Did you have any empathy for Henry or were you mortified by his actions? Is there any room to forgive him?
