by Debra Doxer
After all Jonah had done to me and my father, I was starting to forgive him because I was also starting to understand him, but he still didn’t understand me. Maybe he didn’t care enough to. Resentment toward Jonah won the war inside me today. It overpowered all my good feelings for him until they were nothing but a whisper.
“I just remembered I need to go to the pet store before you take me home,” I said, staring up at the same telephone lines the sparrows were resting on this morning.
Without a word of question, he turned onto the road that led to the center of town instead of the one that led to the street we both lived on.
Jonah drove to the shopping plaza where the pet store was, and rather than waiting in the Jeep like I thought he would, he silently followed me inside.
I went directly to the cat food aisle and grabbed a bag of food for Pumpkin. Then I went to the bird section and placed a large bag of birdseed in my shopping cart.
Jonah eyed me curiously. “Do you have a bird?”
“We have a feeder outside.” That was true six years ago, but I was pretty sure it was gone now.
After the pet store stop, the ride home was tense and quiet. Despite that, Jonah helped me bring everything inside, and then he hesitated in the doorway before leaving.
Now that the tension was ratcheted up again, I waited for an apology or another explanation. If he made it good, I might forgive him and not use the birdseed. I wanted him to apologize and use all the right words to win me over, because I hated the bitterness his words about me and Drew left behind. I hated how dirty they made me feel.
“Do you have everything you need?” he asked.
I nodded.
“And that doctor’s appointment?”
The mention of it made my stomach jump. “It’s tomorrow at three thirty.” I watched Jonah, wondering if he’d changed his mind about coming with me.
“We can go after school. You’ll ride with me again tomorrow.” He’d told me rather than asked, but there was no point in arguing because there was a good chance he’d change his mind about going with me to see the doctor by tomorrow.
“I’d rather drive myself to school, but you could pick me up here after.”
He hesitated before finally nodding. “Fine. I’ll see you in school tomorrow, Candy. You’ll be there, right?”
Because I ran off once, he kept worrying I might do it again. “I’ll be there.”
Then he left without offering an apology or pausing at all, and the heavy weight of the tension brewing between us lingered in his absence. It weighed down on me, bringing with it everything else Jonah had done.
The weight of it threatened to crush me.
The next morning, I sat in my father’s car in the school parking lot and waited. When I first arrived, there were a few other cars scattered throughout the lot, but now it was starting to fill up.
My heated gloves were sitting on the floor mat, covered in dust. I hoped they would clean up okay. I couldn’t have pulled this prank off without them, standing out in the freezing cold for so long before the sun came up this morning.
Yawning, I picked up the coffee I’d bought with the bagel at the Quick Mart and took a deep drink, nearly finishing it. The gloves transferred dust to the floor, and the bagel left crumbs on the seat, but my father wasn’t here to care. It was my car now, and I couldn’t be bothered to care either. I had other things on my mind.
Watching as each car drove into the lot, I looked at my watch. The first bell was going to ring in less than twenty minutes, and there was still no sign of Jonah. Sighing, I wondered if he’d decided not to come to school today.
I waited ten more minutes before grabbing my messenger bag and the extra pair of wool gloves I’d brought, which weren’t nearly as warm but also weren’t covered in evidence, and got out of the car.
Just as I reached the main doors of the school, I heard laughter from behind me. When I turned around, I saw everyone’s eyes trained on exactly what I’d been waiting for all morning. Jonah was driving in the parking lot, his Jeep completely covered in bird crap, because that was what happened when you dumped a whole bag of birdseed on a vehicle.
Giggles erupted around me, but I never cracked a smile as my eyes followed the Jeep.
Jonah parked in one of the only free spots at the far end of the parking lot, and I watched his progression as he threaded his way through the cars. The crowd began yelling taunts at him, but Jonah ignored them all as he walked swiftly with his head down. I couldn’t see his face until he’d cleared the lot and reached the main walkway. It was then that I realized Jonah was livid, his eyes shooting fire as he scanned the crowd, probably looking for me.
The relief I always sought when I took revenge was nowhere to be found as I spun on my heel and pushed through the main doors into the school. I would have gone right to first period but I didn’t have my book or my notebook, so I swung by my locker quickly to trade my things out, surprised by how my nerves were ping-ponging at the thought of an angry Jonah confronting me. It was a mistake to wait out in front for him. I should have already gotten my things and been sitting safely in English class when he arrived.
While I was worrying where Jonah was, my locker door slammed closed and a hand took hold of my upper arm and spun me around, just before Jonah pushed his considerable height deep into my personal space.
“So it’s come to this?” he asked, his eyes flashing.
Trying not to look like my stomach had dropped to the floor, I kept my face straight. “Come to what?”
“Your juvenile pranks. You’re pulling them on me now? That’s why you bought that bag of birdseed. The one I carried for you.”
I averted my eyes, watching the students walking past.
“Now I’m just like your ex and Parker, and everyone else you’ve written off after you were done torturing them. Do you feel better now that you’ve ruined the finish on the Jeep I spent years saving up for?”
That was news to me; I’d had no idea. “I don’t think it will ruin it. Not if you wash it off right away.”
He silently glared at me.
The hallway was clearing out. “We’re going to be late for class.”
“Should I watch my back now or are you done?”
The pressure in my chest was still there, but too late I realized a prank was unlikely to relieve it.
“You know, Candy, you could try handling your emotions the way other people do,” he said. “By just fucking dealing with them.” Then he stalked back toward the main doors and banged his way through them.
I hurried to the windows and watched him get into his Jeep and maneuver out of the lot. Jonah was furious, angrier than I’d ever seen him. Not only was the pressure inside me not gone, it was growing, turning to guilt and maybe shame too because I didn’t think he’d be this upset. I didn’t think about the consequences at all.
For the rest of the day, I looked for him, but Jonah didn’t come back to school. When lunchtime came around and I still hadn’t seen him, I decided to eat in the cafeteria because I didn’t feel like being alone. Malcolm, Parker, and Ashley were already sitting around the table when I arrived.
“Only two more days of school before Christmas break,” Ashley was saying, looking pleased.
“Three, actually,” Parker said, correcting her, “if you count what’s left of today.”
“I hope the snow lasts until Christmas. It looks so pretty,” Ashley said.
Parker wrinkled her nose. “I don’t. It’ll be all brown and dirty by then.”
Ashley turned to her. “You have a serious issue with negativity today.”
I eyed Parker, who was now denying being negative, and wondered if getting turned down by Jonah again was putting her in a bad mood, since I was fairly sure he had.
“Hey, Candy.” Malcolm smiled at me. I could always count on him to be friendly. “Did you see Jonah’s Jeep this morning? I heard the entire bird population of Glenn Valley declared war on it.” He chuckled as Ethan sli
d his tray onto the table beside me and sat down.
“We’re talking about Jonah’s Jeep,” Malcolm told him.
Ethan smirked. “Didn’t see it. Heard about it, though. Anyone get a picture?”
It seemed no one at the table had, and I was relieved for Jonah.
Lea arrived then, smiling at me and everyone else the way she always did. Two tiny braids wrapped around the crown of her head in an intricate style, keeping the hair back from her face.
Ashley glanced at me and said casually, “So I hear you and Jonah broke up.”
I tensed, feeling everyone’s gaze on me. “We were never really together, but I guess you could say that.”
“You guess?” Parker said. “It is over. Jonah told me so himself.”
My gaze met hers across the table.
“Did he dump you?” Ashley asked, looking smug.
“It was mutual,” Lea said, sticking up for me. “I already told you both that.”
Parker shrugged, giving me a pointed look. “I think maybe it wasn’t so mutual for Candy. She hasn’t moved on, and he clearly has.”
Malcolm glanced at her. “I think it’s none of your business.”
I angled a grateful look at him. Was Parker insinuating that Jonah was moving on with her? Wasn’t she tired of this? I certainly was. She was singing the same tune she always did, trying to make me believe a lie.
Parker turned to Malcolm. “You’re just in a bad mood because you’re in the doghouse with Marta.”
Ethan chuckled from across the table as Malcolm hunched his head down, looking like a turtle trying to disappear into its shell.
“Why is Marta mad at you?” I asked, happy for the distraction of asinine lunch talk today.
“He took her to the Tiki Theater,” Ethan said.
It took me a second to remember. “You’re still going there? The seedy place in Claymore that plays pornos?”
“They’re not just pornos,” Malcolm protested. “They’re funny too. Marta has a great sense of humor. I thought she’d like it.”
Ethan chuckled and shook his head.
“You can’t seriously be this dumb,” Ashley said. “You probably took her to the Burger Hut drive-through for dinner afterward.”
The rest of the girls laughed, including Lea.
“It will be fine,” I told him. “Just make it up to her.”
“Yeah, next time take her to the Pussycat Lounge,” Ethan said. “At least that place has some class.” He snorted, and everyone at the table laughed again.
Malcolm scowled in response, his cheeks turning red.
There was a little more ribbing of Malcolm, but eventually the conversation moved back to the upcoming Christmas break. I didn’t have much to contribute since I was likely spending it alone at home.
When lunch ended, I walked out with Lea the way I always did. I hadn’t realized Ethan was behind us until he spoke my name. Lea and I both turned around.
“Is Parker right? Are you and Jonah through?” he asked.
Lea and I glanced at each other. “It’s true,” I said.
“That’s too bad. Are you okay?”
I smiled at his concern and nodded, wondering if there was more to him than I initially thought, because in the beginning, I didn’t think much of Ethan. Maybe Lea’s taste in guys wasn’t so bad.
“So I hear you’re dating our class president,” I said to him, hoping to get information for Lea.
Ethan’s gaze flicked briefly to her before he shrugged. “Where did you hear that?”
Lea stilled beside me.
“The usual rumor mill,” I replied.
He shrugged. “Well, it got it half right.”
“Which half??” Lea asked.
“The dating part. It missed the breaking up part.”
“You’re already broken up?” I asked, noticing Lea’s lack of devastation over this news.
She saw where I live.” He smiled sadly. “I felt the need to take her on a tour of our double-wide when she complained that her folks were giving her a trip to Paris for graduation and making her fly coach. According to her, that’s practically child abuse.”
I snorted at the same time Lea asked, “So she ended it because she saw your trailer? You’re being serious?”
He nodded. “Predictable.”
“But didn’t she know? I mean—”
“It’s no secret where I live. That’s true,” Ethan said, interrupting me. “But hearing about it and seeing it are two different things.”
“I’m sorry,” Lea said. “I didn’t know she was such a snob.”
Ethan looked at Lea. “You wouldn’t hold it against me, would you?”
“I don’t hold it against you,” she replied as if this was something they both already knew.
Ethan’s expression softened. “But you’re glad you don’t have to live there.”
“Ethan,” she whispered sadly.
“Don’t feel bad.” He nodded knowingly. “You live in a big house with a nice family. I’m glad you do.”
Lea took a step closer to him. “None of us earned what we have or lost what we don’t have. We were born into it. But this won’t always be our lives. The life you have now won’t define you. Only you get to define you.”
I stared at Lea, impressed. When I looked at Ethan, he seemed a little surprised.
The warmth remained in his eyes and he smiled at her. “You really believe that?”
Lea nodded as he reached out and touched her cheek. Her gaze turned dreamy, and I could practically see the butterflies fluttering inside her.
But Ethan only looked defeated. After a long moment, he dropped his hand and walked away. Once he was gone, Lea burst into tears.
I moved to her side and put my arm around her.
She released a heavy breath, shaking off whatever she was feeling. “He’s never going to feel the same way I do. He thinks I’m cute or something. That’s all.” She wiped at her eyes.
I didn’t know what to say. I was afraid she might be right. Ethan didn’t look at Lea the same way she looked at him, although he seemed to genuinely care about her. Just not that way.
Wanting to do something to help, I reached into my bag and pulled out a tissue, and then handed it to her. “All this time you’ve had your mind set on Ethan, you haven’t really gone out with anyone else, have you?” When she nodded reluctantly, apparently embarrassed by that fact, I said, “Maybe it’s time you did.”
Lea eyed me incredulously. “Give me a few days to bury the body, okay?”
I sighed. “No one died. You’re smart and pretty, and you deserve to know what it feels like when a guy appreciates you and shows you. Before you finish your high school career, you need to date a high school boy. Once you graduate it’s frowned upon, and in some cases illegal.”
She snorted out a laugh and covered her mouth.
“What about Drew’s friend, Dominic? You thought he was cute in a Prince Royce kind of way, whoever that is. Remember?”
Lea folded her arms and rolled her eyes. “I’m serious, Candy. I’m not in the mood to talk about other boys right now. Besides, Dominic Anthony isn’t going to ask me out.”
“Well, he’s friends with Drew, and I’m friends with Drew. Some hints could be dropped.”
“No, I don’t think so,” she muttered.
I rubbed her arm. “If you change your mind, let me know. I really think it would be good for you.”
“Does Dominic even know who I am?” she asked, not dropping it like I thought she would. “I mean, did he ever say anything? Because I don’t want to look desperate here.”
I smiled. She was actually considering this. “You’re not desperate. And if he doesn’t know you now, that can be remedied.”
Lea’s eyes narrowed on me with hesitant interest. Ethan was going to be sorry when he saw that Lea wasn’t waiting around for him anymore. Not that making Ethan jealous was the point, but if it was a fringe benefit, that would be okay. She’d made it easy for him
all this time, being free for him while he hooked up with half the girls in school. But if Ethan really liked Lea, and he saw her with another guy, he might change his tune.
If not, at least Lea would have some fun.
***
I filled Pumpkin’s food dish when I got home from school, and then I walked into my parents’ bedroom and sat down on the bed. I still thought of this room as theirs together, and not my father’s alone. My mother’s scent was long gone, but there was still a subtle smell lingering in the air that belonged to my father. It was a combination of soap, cologne, and shoe polish. I wondered when my mother’s essence started to fade, and whether my father’s would soon follow.
Scents and memories faded and time moved on, but a family once lived here. These walls had witnessed happy moments and devastating ones. Now there was only me and Pumpkin and the heavy weight of regret. I didn’t want this place to hold any more regrets. I didn’t want to look at my father’s things and miss him. He was supposed to be here. It was meant to be him and me, and I knew wherever my mother was now, if she could see us, she would be unbearably sad about how things had turned out.
My phone vibrated in my pocket, startling me from my dark thoughts. When I pulled it out, I was surprised to see a text from Jonah.
Jonah: What time is your appointment?
I read it twice. He still intended to take me?
Me: 3:30, but I can go by myself.
Jonah: I’ll be there by 3.
I stared at his texts as if rereading them would give me more insight into him. Wasn’t he upset with me? Maybe he felt obligated to take me since he’d already said he would.
Whatever his reasons, I had to admit I was relieved. If I couldn’t have my father with me, Jonah was the second person I wanted, even though it made no sense since we were pissed off at each other.
Jonah arrived right at three with his Jeep perfectly clean and shiny. I walked outside before he could come to the door to get me.
“Hi,” I said hesitantly because he’d been so angry at me before.
He gave me a single head nod.
