Jillian cleared her throat, and Lisa realized she and Alan were standing there, holding hands, looking at each other, as if no one else in the world existed.
Turning toward the sofa, she broke eye contact and took a deep breath. “Alan, this is Jillian Logan, a close friend. Jillian, this is Alan Barrett.”
Not only had Jillian stopped eating, but she’d closed her container on the coffee table, picked up her purse and grabbed her jacket. “Nice to meet you, Alan,” she said as she approached them. “I was just on my way out.”
“You don’t have to run off on my account. Lisa wasn’t expecting me.”
With a knowing glance at her friend, Jillian responded, “Yes, I really do have to go. Perhaps we can get to know each other better another time.”
When she gave Lisa a hug, she whispered in her ear, “Go for it.”
Lisa knew Jillian meant she should reveal all, that she should hope for the best and keep hold of her dreams. Faced with the reality of what she had to do, she drew a deep breath.
As Jillian left with a wave and an encouraging smile, closing the door behind her, Lisa was ready to take the plunge and start somewhere, anywhere, to get her confession going. But then Alan took her into his arms and kissed her. She kissed him back, giving him everything. She couldn’t inhale enough of his woodsy aftershave as her hands burrowed under his suit jacket and she wrapped her arms around him. She couldn’t feel enough of his strength. She wanted to rip his clothes off, let him undress her, and make sweet love. It could be the last time. Yet she couldn’t deceive him in that way. She couldn’t make love and not give him the information he needed to freely love her. Right now, he was living under an illusion and she had to dispel that.
When she tore her lips from his and pulled away, he tried to bring her back. But she held firm and braced her palms on his chest. “Wait.”
“Wait?” His eyebrows quirked up sexily and she almost lost her resolve.
“What do you want me to wait for?” he teased. “For you to put on a sexy negligee? I’ll tell you right now you can just save yourself the trouble.”
He would have kissed her again then, but she evaded his mouth. She evaded his arms.
“You’re serious, aren’t you?” Now he wasn’t looking quite so happy or quite so relaxed, and she could see lines of fatigue around his eyes.
“Let’s sit on the sofa,” she invited, trying to keep her voice sounding natural, trying not to panic.
His expression changed and she could see him distancing himself.
“Just tell me what you have to say. If you’ve decided you’re not serious—”
“No, I am. That’s not it at all. Please, come sit with me.”
Frowning, he followed her to the sofa and lowered himself onto it. When she sat beside him, he leaned toward her. “Tell me what’s going on.”
Her mouth went dry as she gazed into his very blue eyes. Although she wanted to look away, she knew she couldn’t do that. This was about pure honesty, and that’s what she had to give him. “I’m not what I seem.”
At that opening statement, he actually relaxed, and a small smile turned up his lips. “Believe me, I know you’re not a hologram.”
“Alan, I’m being serious.”
Now he saw that she was. He just waited.
Better to show him than to tell him. Pulling up her sweater sleeves, she presented her tattoos. “I got these when I was staying with Aunt Edna…when I was rebelling.”
Taking both of her hands, he turned her arms, first examining her wrist with the peace sign and then her forearm with the upside-down mermaid.
He couldn’t keep the amusement from his voice as he suppressed a smile. “I like a woman with a sense of fun and adventure, and a bit of rebelliousness. You’ve kept these hidden since I’ve known you. Did you think I wouldn’t want to be seen with you if your tattoos were showing?”
“It’s not just the tattoos. It’s what I did after I got them. I wasn’t a virgin the first night we made love, and I think you thought I was.”
Still, he didn’t get upset. “You’re twenty-one, Lisa. I wouldn’t expect you to be a virgin. I thought you were because you didn’t seem experienced, unless you were faking the shyness and the vulnerability. Were you?”
She could see that idea did upset him. In essence she had been faking…even lying. “I wasn’t faking what I did or how I felt. I’m not experienced, Alan, not in the way you mean. I’ve only been with one other man—a boy, really. It was my senior year in high school.”
Unclasping her locket from around her neck, she handed it to him. “Open it.”
“You still keep a picture of him? What happened to him? Was he in an accident or something?”
She nodded toward the locket. “Open it.”
With his thumbnail, Alan popped the small catch and stared down at the baby picture and the lock of hair, surprise and shock on his face.
“I got pregnant,” she told him. “Thad wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. Neither did Aunt Edna. So I ran. I returned to Portland. At first things weren’t too bad. I found a job waitressing and I had a room at a boardinghouse. But I seemed to get sicker each day of my pregnancy. I think part of the problem was I wasn’t eating right. So I couldn’t keep the job, and I lost the room. I ended up homeless, on the streets. I met Ariel, who was homeless, too, and we looked out for each other. We mostly stayed in abandoned buildings. The guy I went to lunch with that first day I met you worked at a deli. They throw so much stuff away. When Craig found Ariel and me rummaging one time, he told us we didn’t have to do that. He’d make sure we got good food to eat. He often gave us handouts and brought food to the buildings we stayed in, and the homeless shelter. I don’t know what we would have done without him.”
“You were homeless, with no job, no money and no place to live.” Alan was repeating it as if he didn’t believe it, as if he was trying to understand it somehow.
“No place to live until I met Carrie. I was eight months pregnant when that happened.”
“You told me you met her at the hospital.” His tone was even, as if he was trying to keep his cool…as if he was trying not to accuse her of lying to him.
“I met her at the Children’s Connection. It’s an annex to Portland General. I passed out one day on the streets. Ariel called an ambulance. A nurse in the emergency room, Nancy Allen—she’s Nancy Logan now—called in a social worker from the Children’s Connection. I was going to go back to a shelter—that’s where Ariel and I had been staying at that point. But Brian and Carrie had applied to be adoptive parents, and the social worker matched me up with them. I didn’t know what to expect when I met Carrie, but we kind of hit it off, and she was exactly the mother I’d choose for my child.”
The realization of precisely what had happened dawned in Alan’s eyes. “Timothy. Timothy is your son!” He looked down at the locket. “This is Timothy.”
“Yes. Timothy is…” She corrected herself. “Timothy was my son. I went to live with Brian and Carrie, and after he was born, I gave him to them.”
“In exchange for an education?” Alan looked appalled.
“Oh, no, nothing like that. I mean, after I lived with Brian and Carrie for a little while, I decided on them as the parents I wanted to give Timothy to. So much happened so fast. At first Brian and I didn’t hit it off at all, but then somehow we became like a family. He offered to pay for me to go to college, to get me on my feet for the future. He even gave Ariel a job in his offices.”
Taking a deep breath, seeing Alan was trying to make sense of everything she was telling him, Lisa kept going. “After Timothy was born, he was kidnapped from the hospital. We spent a few months not knowing if he was alive or dead. Finally, he was returned to Brian and Carrie. A black market baby ring had tried to take him. It’s a really long story. But during the time he was gone, someone who loved babies cared for him and he was well looked after. I don’t think he suffered any trauma from it, thank God, or at least none that we
can see.”
“None that we can see,” Alan repeated. “He calls you Lisa. What kind of setup do you have?”
She could hear the remoteness in Alan’s voice now. What she suspected was true. He didn’t love her unconditionally. He might not really love her at all.
It was time for her to finish the story and face Alan’s verdict. “When Timothy was missing, Brian and Carrie and I got even closer. We made flyers. We took phone calls. We cried together. When he was returned, we went back to plan A. I knew I could never sever my ties completely with him, and Carrie and Brian knew it, too. When he’s old enough, we’ll tell him the truth. But I’m their backup, Alan. If anything ever happened to Carrie and Brian, I’d be responsible for Timothy. Most of the time, I’m okay with being more of a sister than anything else to him. Other times, it hurts. Yet being in his life is better than not being in his life. I can understand if you don’t want to see me again. I can understand if this ends everything between us. I think I knew it would, and it’s why I put off telling you. I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.”
Alan continued to stare at the locket. Finally he handed it back to her. “I need time to think about all this.”
Unfortunately, she had a feeling time wasn’t going to help at all.
Alan was staring at her, appraising her, searching for something he couldn’t seem to find. “I have one question for you. We had unprotected sex. If you find out you’re pregnant again, would you give up this baby, too?”
Deep down inside, Lisa had always known this was a doubt that a man like Alan would have about her. Tears welled in her eyes that she couldn’t blink away. “I could never give up another child. There are so many days and nights I wish I hadn’t given up Timothy.”
Although Alan didn’t say anything, she could read his expression. She could see the doubts there, the lack of faith. He thought that if she was in a jam again, she’d cut and run. She’d abdicate responsibility. She’d give another baby away. Maybe he wouldn’t have had doubts if she’d been honest with him from the beginning. But it was too late for that now. It was too late for them.
When Alan shifted away from her, she saw the anguish in his eyes. She gave it one last try. “Try to put yourself in my shoes.”
“I was in your shoes,” he replied gruffly.
She shook her head. “I don’t mean about being pregnant. I know you never had any doubts about being a father, but I’m talking about right now…us. I fell for you hard. It happened so fast I hardly even knew what was going on. The minute I realized it, I just wanted— I just wanted a dream. I wanted to love you and have you love me without reality crashing in. But when you called and we talked and you said you were serious, I knew I had to tell you about Timothy.”
“Lisa, I can’t tell you that it would have made any difference if you’d told me up front. The fact that you gave up your baby… It’s just hard for me to get past.”
Her pride kept her silent. Her pride kept her strong. Her pride told her she could watch him walk away and she’d still survive.
He said again, “I need some time.”
She just nodded.
Then he stood, walked out of her apartment and closed the door behind him. She knew he was never coming back.
Crumpling against the corner of the sofa, she dropped her face into her hands and cried. Her world had shattered around her once again, and somehow she had to figure out how to pick up the pieces.
The ring of the phone awakened Lisa the following morning. She’d been up most of the night, switching on the TV, making herself a cup of tea, eating a few spoonfuls of ice cream. No matter what she did, she couldn’t numb herself to what had happened. She couldn’t forget the look on Alan’s face, the judgment in his voice.
Checking the alarm, she groaned. Who would be calling at 6:30 a.m.? She rubbed her eyes. They felt sandy and rough. She could use a few more hours of sleep. Her alarm hadn’t even gone off yet.
Then reality broke over her. Something could be wrong with Timothy! She snatched up the phone.
“Lisa, it’s Brian. Are you up?”
“Has something happened to Timothy?”
There were a few interminable moments of silence, then Brian answered, “No, Timothy’s fine. You get the Portland Gazette, don’t you?”
The Portland Gazette? Why was Brian calling to see if she read the newspaper? “Yes, I get it. Why?”
“Bring it in and read it.”
Thad’s threat echoed in her mind—I want fifty thousand dollars from you or I’ll go to the press.
Sliding out of bed, she ran to the back door and down the steps. Snatching up the paper, she quickly she unbanded it and carried it back inside, the cordless phone in one hand, the newspaper in the other. Sinking down on the sofa, she stared at the front page disbelievingly. The story took up the bottom half. The headline read Young Dad Forced to Give Up Baby.
She heard Brian’s voice coming from the phone. In shock, she lifted it to her ear.
“Don’t panic,” he ordered her.
Don’t panic? She began to read.
“Eighteen-year-old Thad Preston never had the chance to be a father. When he discovered his girlfriend, Lisa Sanders, was pregnant, he attempted to make things right. He wanted to marry her, to form a family, raise his child. But Miss Sanders wanted no part of that. She ran away from Seattle, coming here to Portland. Mr. Preston says Miss Sanders had another life in mind. ‘She wanted to live with other punk rockers and do her own thing. She didn’t want to take care of a baby. She lived in an abandoned building until she collapsed and had to be taken to the hospital. That’s when she hooked up with the Children’s Connection. That’s when everything went downhill for me.’”
Lisa couldn’t believe her eyes as she kept reading, fascinated by the concocted story. Thad claimed he’d been coerced by the Children’s Connection into terminating his parental rights. He set the blame on Lisa as well as the Children’s Connection, saying they’d colluded to take his infant from him and give the baby to a wealthy couple, Brian and Carrie Summers. It insinuated that Lisa might even have turned tricks on the streets when she first arrived in Portland.
“Oh…my…gosh!”
In her ear, Brian warned her, “It’s just a newspaper article. It will be yesterday’s news tomorrow.”
“Not before all of my friends and your friends see it. Not before all our business associates see it. Oh, Brian, I’m so sorry.”
“I want you to listen to me, Lisa. You have nothing to be sorry for. This isn’t your fault. Thad Preston is to blame…and whoever the editor was on the story. I can’t believe they didn’t try to get your side of this. You’d better call Alan and give him a heads-up.”
She went still. If she’d harbored even the tiniest kernel of hope that Alan would understand and eventually come to tell her they could try to make their relationship work, this article was a death knell for it.
“Alan isn’t going to want to hear from me.”
“Why?”
“I told him everything last night…about everything but Thad’s blackmail attempts. I told him about Timothy. He…he couldn’t accept it. Now there’s this publicity, too. He’ll believe for sure I’m a horrible person. Oh, Brian.”
“I think I should put Carrie on.”
Brian obviously thought Lisa was going to fall apart into little pieces. And she just might do that later, but not right now. “I’m fine, Brian. I’m not going to get hysterical. What good would that do?”
“Do you want me to call Alan?”
“No. If he comes to you, say what you want.”
“I’ll tell him the truth.”
“I already told him the truth, but I’m not sure he believed me. His family would be absolutely mortified at all this.”
“Families stand up for each other.”
“Yes, well, I’m not going to be part of his family. I’d never fit in.” She felt her throat tightening.
“I called Marian Novak.”
“At th
is time of the morning?”
“We have to keep on top of this, and she didn’t seem to mind me phoning her this early when I told her what was in the newspaper. The Children’s Connection has had enough problems with scandal. We’re going to meet with her at one o’clock this afternoon. Do you want me to pick you up?”
“No. I’ll meet you there. It might be better for you if I don’t come into the office. It will be a three-ring circus if I do.”
“No, Lisa, it won’t. The people who work with me know better than to read and believe this kind of garbage. I’m amazed the Portland Gazette even published this. Whoever the editor was who put this through should be fired. We’ll probably never find out.”
“It doesn’t really matter, Brian. The damage is done. Firing someone isn’t going to change that.”
“Are you sure you don’t want Carrie to come over?”
“No. I’m going to get dressed and come in to work. But prepare yourself, Brian. Believe it or not, most people do believe what they read in the newspaper.”
She would just have to brace herself for the ruckus to come. If Brian was willing to stand beside her, she wouldn’t let him down. She would put in a good morning’s work no matter what anybody said.
She thought again about Alan. Was he reading the newspaper at this moment? Was he thinking that it confirmed everything he believed about her?
When she couldn’t swallow past the lump in her throat, she said goodbye to Brian and hung up. As she headed for the shower, she resolved to get Alan out of her head…and out of her heart. But she didn’t have a clue how she was going to do that.
Lisa’s pulse should have raced as she stared into Jordan Hall’s brown eyes outside the conference room door. He was a handsome, high-powered lawyer, and most single women in Portland wanted to date him.
Not her.
He’d directed the meeting that Marian Novak had called and Jillian, Brian, Carrie and Lisa had attended. Now he was reassuring her again, as he’d done in the course of the meeting. “Thad Preston doesn’t have a legal leg to stand on. I’m not sure what he’s trying to do. You know him better than anyone. Why do you think he went public?”
Falling for the Texas Tycoon Page 16
