“Let’s go see if the table’s ready,” he murmured.
We left them and checked in with the hostess who sat us promptly. I was still reeling.
“What just happened?” My adrenaline was still pumping. I was thrilled for Alli, but my head was spinning from how this had come about so quickly.
“He’s back,” Blake answered simply.
“For good?”
“As long as he stays out of trouble.”
I looked across the restaurant to where the couple still stood. Alli was laughing and brushing tears away while Heath peppered her with kisses. They looked so incredibly happy. In a matter of moments, the cloud of doubt and misery hovering over my dearest friend had passed over. The joy I felt for her overwhelmed the concern that still lingered regarding their relationship.
“How was he able to leave so early?”
“I spoke to the judge and worked it all out. He got on the first plane back.”
They joined us then, their energy palpable. Alli seemed like a new person. They both did.
“Erica, it’s great to see you.”
I stood and gave Heath a hug. He hugged me back, hard, then stepped back and gave me a half smile, as if he were trying to communicate something to me without words. Maybe he was sorry for shredding Alli emotionally for the past few weeks. I smiled back, suddenly unable to entertain any emotional reservation in the presence of their contagious joy.
“How have you been?” I cringed inwardly. Was that the wrong question to ask someone fresh out of rehab?
“Awesome. Never better.”
The enthusiasm and confidence in his reply quelled my concern, and we all settled down at the table. He seemed so different. Not just healthy, but more real, more genuine somehow.
We ordered drinks and our meal. Heath stuck with water. I felt immediately guilty for wanting a second martini.
“Let’s toast,” Heath said as soon as the drinks arrived, true to form.
“Absolutely,” I agreed.
“What should we toast to?” Alli asked.
“To new beginnings…” His gaze shifted to Alli and she looked back at him, starry-eyed.
“To new beginnings,” she murmured.
That was it. Any question there may have been about their relationship status post-rehab had just been answered. I only knew two other people so hopelessly in love, and I didn’t even want to think about how destroyed I’d feel if I had to spend weeks away from Blake. I’d be a puddle of romantic goo just like these two.
“Well, this is timely,” I said. “Alli heads back to New York tomorrow. Maybe you could travel together.”
Heath coughed a little and rested his elbows on the table. He looked quickly to Blake and then to me.
“Actually, I’m going to be staying in Boston for a while.”
Alli paled again and looked to him.
“What? Why?”
“The court situation. Blake got me back early, but I need to stay here for the rest of the time I would have been at the center in L.A. so I can finish the treatment here.”
“But…” Alli cut herself off.
There were no “buts” about his options. He was lucky to be this close now.
“I didn’t realize that.” Alli faced forward, shifting her body away from him for the first time since they’d sat down together.
“We’ll figure it out, okay?” His voice was quiet as he reached for her hand and cradled it in his own.
After a moment she swallowed and nodded. “Okay.” Her spark came back with a small smile.
The rest of the evening passed without incident. We made small talk, catching up and sharing stories. Heath asked me questions about the business that revealed how much Blake had already told him. That he’d spoken of me to Heath, despite the distance and circumstances, meant something to me. That he’d made this whole reunion happen meant even more.
Weeks ago, the four of us sitting here had seemed impossible. Blake hadn’t wanted me associating with Alli, let alone Heath, with all the trouble he’d brought into her life. Now he’d gone out of his way to bring them back together. I couldn’t make sense of it, but I was genuinely happy he’d done it.
Alli and Heath walked ahead of us on the way home. Alli giggled and leaned into him. I was half expecting them to break out into a sprint toward the nearest bedroom. Last time I was with the two of them, I could barely stomach it. This was different. I wasn’t going through withdrawals from Blake like I had been in New York, and somehow their love just amplified ours. I leaned into Blake, and he circled my shoulders with his arm. I slid my hand around his waist and hooked my thumb on his belt loop, loving how we fit.
“Thank you,” I said.
Things weren’t perfect, but Alli was happy, I was happy, and Blake was the reason why.
* * *
I slipped far down into the tub. Another centimeter and my nose would have been submerged. I moaned into the warm water, letting waves of relaxation wash over me. Blake’s fingers kneaded the soles of my feet with expert care. I wasn’t sure what I’d done in a previous life to deserve this utterly perfect moment, but I was loving it.
When I’d been thoroughly massaged, I slipped out of his grasp. I repositioned myself on my knees, settling my legs snuggly on either side of his muscular thighs.
I followed the sharp line of his jaw with my fingers, appreciating every God-given feature that made me so impossibly attracted to him. “You’re too good to me.”
“No such thing,” he murmured, planting a soft kiss on my lips.
“But you spoil me.”
“You deserve to be spoiled.”
I softened at his words. His face was relaxed, happy, a reflection of the moment. I almost felt undeserving of it, though I wasn’t sure why.
Because of my mother’s inheritance, I’d been given opportunities that most people had only dreamed of. But I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt spoiled, doted on by someone who held such affection for me outside of Marie. A little part of me couldn’t completely accept it.
“How do you know if I deserve it?” I tried to read his beautiful hazel eyes. He flashed a megawatt smile, and my brain short-circuited.
“I know everything.”
I cocked my head to the side and studied him with a grin. “How could I forget? Master of the universe.”
He kissed my throat, taking advantage of the position. “Now you’re catching on.” His warm breath sent gooseflesh over my damp skin.
“Do you think they’ll be okay?”
I twisted a strand of his hair around my fingertip.
He nodded. We shared concern about Alli and Heath’s future, though they were probably disturbing the peace in Blake’s spare bedroom as we spoke.
“What will he do now?”
“He’ll stay with me for a little while to start, until we figure out his next move. In the meantime, I’ll be getting him more involved at work. He needs to finally take the business seriously. He’s been screwing around too long because I’ve let him. But responsibility is probably what he needs more than anything right now—something or someone to be accountable to other than his own superficial needs.”
“I can’t believe you did this for them. You didn’t seem very optimistic about things before.”
“I wasn’t.”
“What changed?”
He shifted beneath me and I sat back a little, sensing he needed space for what he wanted to say. He drenched the fine strands of his hair with the soapy bath water. I traced my hands over the hard curves of his pectorals. There was nothing sexier than wet Blake.
I tore myself away from the mental inventory of Blake’s sexiest qualities to press him. “Talk.”
He sighed. “I don’t know. I guess I became more sympathetic to his position. Not the drug thing. Obviously I can’t relate to that. But the desperation in his voice when he talked about Alli. Like he couldn’t breathe without her, like anything he had left in him that was keeping him going, which probabl
y wasn’t much, was draining by the day not being near her.”
He paused, dropped his hands into the water, and stroked my hips with his thumbs, tightening his hold possessively.
“He loves her.” I finished his thought, as convinced as ever of what they shared.
“I know he does. The way he sounds when they aren’t together, that’s how I feel every time you run away from me. And I couldn’t wish that on anyone else.”
My heart shattered. All the times I’d pushed him away, out of fear, self-preservation, and pure, justifiable rage. But every time I did, my heart ached for him, a bone-deep pain that weakened me at the very core. A part of me wanted to keep that line drawn between us, keep him at a safe distance from my professional life. But fighting it so hard left me in pieces.
“I’m sorry.” My voice was heavy with emotion.
He hushed me and pulled me closer so our bodies were flush. Wet, we slid against each other. His skin on mine, his arms wrapped around me, we were so close. Awareness simmered low in my belly, coiling slowly with every touch, but our motions were careful and deliberate as we caressed each other with infinite care. I was overwhelmed, racked by the potent emotions that had taken over in his presence.
Maybe Marie had been right. We’d passed the point of being the best we could be on our own. What we were together had become so much more powerful, a force that took my breath away and made everything secondary. As much as I hated to admit it, Blake Landon was fast becoming everything to me.
With every stroke of our tongues, roam of our hands, my heart swelled with love. With trust. As my touches became urgent, Blake’s became more controlled, gentler when they should have possessed me with the fierce craving that we shared for each other. I pulled back, determined tonight would be different.
“I want you to take control tonight.”
He leveled an even stare at me.
“Complete control. Whatever you need.” I kept my voice steady even as I worried what I was getting myself into.
His body tensed beneath me. “Erica, we’re not doing this, okay?”
“I love you and I want to do this for you. I trust you to take me as far as you think I can go. I… I can’t promise anything because I don’t know what you want exactly, but I want to try.”
“Stop.”
He shifted, giving me a little push to move back. A panic welled up in me.
“No, wait. Please.” I sighed and pressed my temples, hating what I was about to admit. “A part of me…even when I’m fighting you every step of the way, there’s a part of me that wants to give you control over everything. Real life submission.” I cringed inwardly at the words as they left me. “The thought of letting go… I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a tempting and intoxicating notion. I’ve been taking care of myself for so long.”
He brushed his knuckles over my cheek, and warmth washed over me. He was hearing me. I wanted to believe that he could somehow understand, sense the weight I carried with so few people to really rely on.
“You take care of people, and I know I could trust you with anything I gave you. I recognize that and I fight it, because it scares the hell out of me. I can’t give you that much control in my life. I just can’t. But I think with sex, I could give you the kind of control that you want.”
“How are you supposed to do that? Flip a switch?”
“I think I can. I—”
“What about everything you’ve been through? How can you possibly think the things I want are healthy for you?”
“I don’t know what you want. Show me and I’ll tell you.”
He sighed heavily. “Erica, you’re a strong, independent woman. Unlike anyone I’ve ever met. You prove it to me every day, no matter how difficult I make it for you. And I don’t want to try to take that away from you, to bend you to do things that you really don’t want to.”
“How do you know I don’t want it?”
He shook his head and looked away. “What if I take things too far, and it’s something we can’t come back from?”
“I trust you.”
I kissed him, reveling in the silken friction of our bodies beneath the water. He was hard. Maybe he already had plans. I’d show him I could be the right person for whatever he needed. Then a chilling thought crept into my mind.
Sophia.
I wasn’t sure I’d even said her name out loud until Blake’s expression turned cold. His lips tightened into a thin line.
“Don’t, baby. We’re not going there.”
“No, wait. Was she on board for all this submissive stuff that turns you on so much?”
He hesitated.
“Just tell me,” I snapped. I didn’t want to dance around this with him.
He paused for a long moment. He nodded slowly, avoiding my eyes.
As quickly as he’d acknowledged the question, I wished he hadn’t. Fucking Sophia. I hated her now more than I had before. The jealousy nearly paralyzed me. Being physically compared to Blake’s model ex-girlfriend was hard enough. To know she’d been what he wanted sexually was almost more than I could take. I shrank back to my side of the tub. The water was becoming uncomfortably cool.
He eyed me. “It wasn’t a matter of her ‘getting on board’ with things. She wanted to be submissive with me. It was her goddamn idea. Needless to say, taking a dominant role with her wasn’t much of a challenge. But she always wanted to push things further. The things she wanted me to do bordered on dangerous at times. That’s not what I want with you. But being in that kind of relationship for as long as we were…”
“It’s what you crave now.” I finished his thought, knowing it was true before he could confirm it.
“Sometimes, yes.”
“The things we’ve done, were you testing me, to see what I could take?”
“In a way. I’ve pushed you. I think we both realize that.”
“And the times when I’ve taken control…”
He leaned his head back against the tub. “It’s been difficult for me. I’ve tried to be so careful with you, Erica. You have no idea.”
“Tell me what you want, Blake.”
“It really doesn’t matter at this point.”
“I deserve to know.” I held my breath, waiting for him to speak.
“Total submission. Total control over your pleasure and pain.” His voice was flat, matter-of-fact, as if he were negotiating a business deal and those were his terms.
My breath left me in a sharp exhale as the reality of his words hit me. Was that something I could give? A different kind of panic gripped me. I wrapped my arms around my knees, trying to stave off the chill that had now deepened. I couldn’t lose Blake.
“Fine, I’ll do it,” I rushed before I could really think it through.
A deep groove marked his brow and his eyes widened slightly, as if my concession truly scared him. He sat up out of the water, leaning his arms on his knees. “Why would you do that?”
“Because you mean more to me than anyone ever has. I need to at least try.”
“This isn’t about pleasing me.”
“You’re right. This is about me loving you enough to take a chance. I think I’m finally getting used to that.”
I stood up and toweled off on my way to the bedroom. I was trembling now, shivering. The water hadn’t been that cool. I was terrified. Why? Blake had never really hurt me. He’d never hurt me. I stood at the edge of the bed, unsure what to do.
Blake came up behind me. I fisted my hands into the terry cloth of the towel that was bunched around between my breasts. I took a deep breath to quell the quiet tremors that staggered through me.
“This isn’t what I want. What you’re feeling now. We haven’t even done anything and you’re scared to death.”
I turned to face him. “Tell me what to do. I’m nervous. I’m afraid I’ll do something wrong.”
“No, you’re afraid I’m going to hurt you.”
I clenched my jaw and hated that he’d given voice to my fea
rs—fears that were so deeply a part of me. They’d followed me around for years. I wanted to cry at the thought that I’d never be free from them. “I know you won’t hurt me.”
“If you’re so sure, why are you scared?”
I swallowed hard. “You know why.”
He lifted my chin, angling my face to his. His eyes brewed with emotion in the soft light of the room. He was deciding. I could see the calculations taking place. He was weighing the pull of his desire against the very real chance that I could freak out if he did something too far outside of my comfort zone.
I dropped my towel and pressed my body against his. His skin burned against mine. My body began to unwind at the warmth of the contact.
He palmed my breast and took my nipple between his fingertips, twisting the hardened tip gently. “What if I just want to toss you on the bed and fuck you senseless? Vanilla. Missionary. Hard.”
I bit my lip. His words washed over me like a heat wave. That sounded very appealing, but he was dodging me. “I’m sure you can come up with something more creative than that.”
He silenced me with a hard kiss. “Slow. We’re going to go slow. I’m going to make love to you, baby.”
His words sounded more like an affirmation than an expression of what he really wanted, deep down. His hands were restless, carefully grasping and releasing me as if he were at war with his own body. His urgency lit the fire in me. A warm glow built in my core and shot through my limbs until my skin was as fevered as his.
I kissed him back, swallowing the affirmations that would sell us both short on what we wanted, craved. I gripped his shoulders, tangling my fingers in his hair. I couldn’t get close enough. I wanted to coax out the animal that wanted to come at me with everything he had. I wasn’t scared anymore. I needed him.
“Take me how you want me. Do anything you want. God, please. I need it, need you,” I moaned, rubbing myself helplessly against him.
“No.” He uttered the refusal through gritted teeth. His body was taut, frozen, as if a single movement would break his resolve.
I licked my lips, nearly wild with the sensation of his erection against my belly. I wanted him so badly I thought I would go mad. I couldn’t wait anymore. In an instant, I lowered to my knees and caressed his length gently in my palms. I’d figure out how to be submissive with or without his help. I slid my mouth over the tip and sucked, swirling my tongue around the sensitive tip. I moaned, loving the taste of him, the subtle scent of his body.
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