Being in the apartment again seemed strange. I hadn’t made any effort to find a new place, though. Not as if I’d had much time, but deep down I also couldn’t imagine being anywhere else yet. Marie’s spare room was fine. A place to try to sleep, and at least I wasn’t alone there. I couldn’t bring myself to think about starting over someplace new though.
I put my rent check on the counter for Sid. Out of habit, I started to clean up the small messes that had accumulated.
“You don’t need to do that.”
Cady walked out of Sid’s room in a long T-shirt that seemed to swallow her up. She looked tired and content as she padded into the kitchen to help me. Her spiky frosted blond hair was pushed every which way.
I turned to put some dishes in the sink, hiding a grin. Sid was making a girl tired and content. Go him.
“I don’t mind,” I said.
“I’m not sure how Sid would survive without someone taking care of him.” She laughed.
“No kidding. Guys…”
We made quick work of it and she picked up the rent check, glancing up at me.
“You plan on coming back sometime?”
I hesitated. Sure, she was Sid’s girlfriend, but she was also Blake’s assistant. I could almost guarantee that anything I said to her would make its way back to him.
“No plans to, but I haven’t found a new place yet.”
She gave me a sympathetic smile. “That’s too bad. I’m sure Sid will miss having you around.”
“Maybe. He has you now though.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t think he’s the only one who misses you.”
I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and drank some of it down, not acknowledging those last words.
“I know it’s not my place to say anything. Whatever happens with you and Blake is between you two, but for what it’s worth, I thought you two were great together. He seemed really happy. And I’ve known him a long time.”
“How’s he doing?”
I’m not sure why I asked. As if knowing more about Blake’s state of mind would make me feel any better about things.
She gave me a sympathetic look. “You should talk to him, Erica.”
* * *
I settled on a simple black strapless cocktail dress that hugged my curves and fell just below my knees. I pulled my hair into a loose twist and slipped on some black strappy heels and a light shawl in case the venue was cool.
When I arrived at the event, I found Risa and Max talking among a small group. Max flashed me his award-winning smile. The couple they were speaking to waved their goodbyes and walked off, leaving us alone.
“You look beautiful, Erica. Thanks for coming tonight.”
“Thanks, I’m glad I did. Risa told me a little bit, but how are you involved with the charity?”
“Angelcom has been a supporter for several years. We sponsor this event once a year to attract new donors and bring visibility to the cause.”
“That’s wonderful.”
I still hadn’t quite forgiven Max for pushing me into that last dance with Mark, but I couldn’t argue that he’d been incredibly helpful to the business since then. I wasn’t giving him the benefit of the doubt, but with Blake out of the picture now, I wasn’t going to write him off completely either. Times like these, I had a hard time believing the terrible things Blake assured me were true of him.
“We should probably find our table. They’ll be serving dinner shortly,” he said, interrupting my thoughts.
I followed Risa and Max to the table and quickly recognized the faces of the others who joined us. Heath rose when he saw me, but my gaze went immediately to Blake and the woman by his side.
Sophia.
I stopped short, frozen with the prospect of facing any of them right now. The man I loved next to a woman I despised. The pain of our separation became exponentially potent. The regret of every moment we’d spent apart hit me with full force, seizing my lungs. My breath left me in a rush.
As much as I’d hated Sophia and what she meant to his past, I wasn’t remotely prepared to see them together tonight, or ever for that matter. She looked impeccable in a silky red dress that contrasted beautifully with her sleek black hair falling over her shoulders. With Blake in his suit, the dark gray one that I loved, the two made a beautiful couple. The billionaire and the model. What a match.
“It’s good to see you, Erica.” Heath broke the silence and gave me a quick hug.
Blake held my gaze, as if he were waiting for me to react. But I couldn’t move. I literally couldn’t take a single step toward the table.
Risa found her seat next to Max, leaving one unoccupied place between her and Heath. I eyed it warily, uncertain how I could possibly survive this dinner with Blake and Sophia across from us. Maybe I could leave before the event really got underway—feign illness or something.
As if reading my thoughts, Sophia gave me a knowing smile that had me grinding with rage. “So glad you could come, Erica. Join us.”
Her words somehow broke the trance, and I needed to move. In the opposite direction.
“Risa, I’m going to grab a drink. Do you want anything?”
She shook her head. “I’m fine, thanks.”
Blake rose as I started to leave. I ignored him and carried on toward the bar, reminding myself that I couldn’t really sprint in my heels.
“Jack on the rocks,” I said to the bartender.
Blake came up next to me. “Same.”
We weren’t touching but we were close, inches apart. I remembered our first few weeks together when I tried in vain to ignore the palpable energy that pulsed between us, an undeniable attraction that had quickly turned into an addiction, an obsession.
“I didn’t know you’d be here.” His voice was quiet, laced with regret.
Or what? You wouldn’t have brought her?
I took in a slow breath, trying to get a handle on my emotions. He was being nice, and I should at least make an attempt at normal post-break up communications. But the silence that hung in the air between us seemed to be answer enough. I was miserable, work-obsessed, and had no idea how to reason with my power-crazed murdering father so that I could end all this.
Maybe it was too late for that anyway. Sophia had probably picked up right where I’d left off as soon as she realized I was out of the picture. She’d have been a fool not to, and I couldn’t blame Blake. I’d told him in no uncertain terms that I didn’t want to see him anymore. To let me go.
“How is Risa working out?” he finally asked in another attempt to get me talking.
“She’s very motivated. Closing a ton of accounts for us.”
“Seems like she’s warmed right up to Max.”
I glanced back at the table. Risa appeared to be her usual animated self, and Max’s attention was fixed on whatever she was saying. I hadn’t paid too much attention to how their connection had been evolving over the past few weeks. As she’d aptly noted, I had too many other things on my mind to care as long as she was doing her job and moving us forward.
“He’s been helping her connect with advertisers. Seems to be working out well. Revenues are up.” My focus shifted to Sophia, who caught me staring. I turned back, catching my reflection in the mirror behind the bar. “Sophia looks beautiful, as usual.”
Blake took a sip of his drink. “She’s in town for business.”
“You don’t need to make excuses to me, Blake. I’m…happy for you.” My jaw tightened at the complete lie that I’d just uttered in the name of being polite and allowing us to both move on. Then I let half the drink slide down my throat.
“You’re a terrible liar.”
* * *
I made my way back to the table and Blake followed without a word. I was grateful to be sitting next to Heath. Somehow at this table of colleagues and ex-lovers, he felt like an ally. We made small talk about the event and how work was going.
“Have you talked to Alli about moving yet?” I asked.
He shook his head.
“Any particular reason why?”
“I guess I’m a little scared of what she’ll say. I’m almost done with the program though, so I need to figure it out soon.”
“You should talk to her, Heath.”
“So should you.”
I nodded and made the mistake of looking at Sophia, who was taking every opportunity to touch Blake. Small touches, tracing the angles of his suit over his shoulder. Leaning into him as she spoke, her perky little tits brushing against him. I gritted my teeth.
“She’s really worried about you.”
I looked back to Heath, unable to relax. “I’ll call her soon. I’ve been really busy with work, you know. Haven’t had much time for anything else.”
“She’s not the only one who’s worried.”
My gaze darted back to Blake, who was leaning back in his chair, looking bored as he scanned the room. Sophia was murmuring in his ear and laughing quietly, as if they were sharing some private joke. When her hand disappeared under the table, I couldn’t take it anymore.
I pushed away from the table and made a beeline to the ladies’ room. I regretted eating anything when a wave of nausea hit me. Pushing Blake away had been less devastating when he still wanted me. I could entertain the fantasy that he’d wait for me until I figured things out with Daniel. But that moment had passed. Sophia had moved right in, picked up where I’d left off, and was very likely giving him everything he’d been craving during the time we’d been together.
If my heart hadn’t already been broken, seeing him with her had mashed it into an unrecognizable pulp.
I found the ladies’ room mercifully abandoned. I looked at myself in the mirror. Despite being an epic emotional wreck, I looked okay. Makeup hid the dark circles under my eyes, at least. I was no runway model, but I’d been good enough for Blake. Once upon a time, I had been the one he wanted. I scolded myself for caring. I could get through this, somehow. I’d been through worse, right?
Before I could answer myself, the door swung open and I caught Sophia’s reflection walking toward me. Her lithe runway-ready body sauntered up to the vanity counter where I was trying to pull myself together.
“Everything okay? You seem upset, Erica.”
Her voice was the usual sultry laced with bitch that I’d remembered from our first meeting in New York.
I turned to face her. “What do you want?”
She leaned back against the wall casually, crossing her arms in front of her. “I thought we could catch up. I was sorry to hear things didn’t work out with you and Blake.”
My lips pulled into a tight line. I wouldn’t take her bait. “I bet.”
“Wasn’t a good fit, I guess.”
“How would you know?”
“I’m a friend, Erica. He talks to me. I’m sure it was all pretty overwhelming for you, being with him.”
“What are you talking about?”
“The sex, of course. Let’s not pretend we don’t know that he likes it rough.” She gave me a full smile and leaned her hip on the counter, cocking her head as if she were sizing me up. “You never struck me as the kind of girl who could get whipped.”
I struggled for a breath, unable to hide my reaction. “You don’t know a fucking thing about me, Sophia.”
She laughed. The sound stung, as if she’d slapped me in the face.
“Oh, I think I know plenty.”
I fisted my hands by my sides. What I wouldn’t do to smack that look off her face. And Blake. A sickness spread through me. He’d told her personal things about us. Jealousy and betrayal was a lethal cocktail of emotions, and I’d had about all I could take.
“Laugh all you want, Sophia, but I’m not the one pining after a man who wrote me off years ago. Then again, maybe you’ll get lucky and he’ll take you back. Either way, I couldn’t care less.”
I pushed through the doors and returned to the table to grab my shawl. Feigning illness wasn’t too difficult, because I literally felt sick. I said some quick goodbyes to Risa and Heath, ignoring Blake, even though I could feel the heat of his gaze on me. I couldn’t face him now. That our memories meant so little to him that he’d share them with Sophia cut me far deeper than I’d ever thought possible.
The city lights flew by as the cab headed back to Marie’s. The sparsely lit towers disappeared behind me, along with any hope I’d held for being with Blake again. Something felt devastatingly final about all this. The urge to cry and the gut-wrenching despair was replaced by a cold, emotionless finality. Blake was gone. I’d finally lost him.
I’d lost people before. I knew how to say goodbye, forever. But I couldn’t remember anything hurting like this before. My reason for living, for waking up in the morning, anything that had kept me hoping before had been stripped from me. But I knew I’d survived this kind of devastation before.
Somewhere in the depths of my soul, I stopped bleeding. The relentless pulsing pain slowed, and the memory of who we’d been together became another scar.
I knew how to live with scars.
I wiped away the last tear, swallowing down the urge to cry until I went numb, my body’s natural reaction when faced with unrelenting emotional pain. My love for Blake had changed, becoming a dark and bittersweet memory forever imprinted on my past. My greatest love had become my greatest loss.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
“You staying late again?”
James took a seat across from my desk. It was the end of the day and we were the only ones left. More and more days were ending this way. I couldn’t stop myself.
“Thinking about it,” I said.
“I don’t know what the numbers are, but I’m pretty sure you don’t need to be pushing yourself this hard.”
“I don’t mind long hours. Keeps me out of trouble.” I was only half-joking. I wasn’t exactly resigned to the new life Daniel wanted for me yet. Not that he’d given me a choice, but I had agreed to meet with his team in a few days. I’d been dissecting their marketing plan in the meantime and trying to game plan strategies that would allow me to contribute in a capacity that would satisfy Daniel without writing off my own business.
“You’re going to burn out. Do you realize that?” James leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and bringing his hands to his chin.
“Why do you care, James? Honestly. I’m not putting it off on you guys.”
“I wouldn’t mind it if you did. Sometimes you just don’t seem very happy.”
I sighed. “Does it really matter? Happy or not, I’m here and we’re getting things done.” Who cares if I wanted to work myself into the ground? That was my prerogative.
“Actually I don’t think it’s good for you or the business. If you break down, who do we have? The team’s not big enough to sustain without you. If you keep going like this, you’re going to be worthless in another week or two. Then what? What if something goes down and we really need you?”
“You’re making a big deal out of nothing,” I muttered, wondering what I could say for him to ease up.
As closely as I was working with Risa, I definitely had a better connection with James. When it came to work, he seemed to understand what I was looking for without really asking. A silent rapport that builds between two people who work closely for a long time already seemed to exist between us, and somehow that made this line of questioning more tolerable. But he couldn’t possibly begin to understand my life right now.
“All right, will you at least take a break? Let me take you out for something to eat.”
“I’m not hungry.” I wasn’t. I rarely was these days. I’d probably be waif thin like Sophia in no time, but not by choice. I simply had no appetite for food, or much else, for that matter.
“Okay, how about a walk. Just give me an hour and then I’ll leave you alone, I promise.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Please?”
He gave me an innocent but determined look that was hard to resist. I couldn’t fath
om why he cared so much, but I couldn’t deny that it pulled at my heartstrings a bit.
I pushed away from my desk. “Fine. One hour. I have to finish edits on these contracts tonight.” I didn’t, but if pretending like I was fine for an hour meant getting out from under his relentless interrogation into my mental health, I would do it.
We walked down the block and James stopped in front of his motorcycle. He unhooked a helmet and handed a second one to me from a different compartment.
“Uh, no. I don’t do motorcycles.”
“I’ve been riding since I was a teenager. I promise you’ll be safe. I’ll go slow.”
“This wasn’t part of our deal.”
“There were no clauses about motorcycles. Jesus, Erica, you’ve been writing too many contracts.” He gave me a little smirk that melted my anger. “You gave me an hour. Relax, okay? It’ll be fun.”
I reluctantly put on the helmet, feeling a little ridiculous. He helped me buckle it and gave me a little pat on the top of the head that only added to my self-consciousness. I carefully took the seat behind him and we started moving.
The engine roared to life. He grabbed my hand and wrapped my arm around his waist.
“Hold on!”
I did, not caring how unprofessionally close it meant we’d be. I was suddenly and perhaps irrationally petrified of flying off as he eased out onto the street and propelled us ahead. I held on tight, trying not to totally freak out. He covered my hand with his own and gave it a squeeze.
I had no idea where we were going and didn’t bother asking. I finally relaxed a little, not enough to loosen my hold on him but enough to feel the thrill of the speed. We zipped through the busy city streets and past the cars that were still stuck in the rush hour traffic heading home after work.
We drove until we were riding along the ocean. The beach was mostly empty, dotted with a few runners and people kite surfing farther away from the shore. James parked and helped me off. We walked down to the beach together, slipping off our shoes at the end of the path.
The air was perfectly warm with the ocean breeze blowing over us. The waves crashed gently onto the shore. I didn’t come to the ocean much, but whenever I did, I had a really hard time worrying about anything. Something about the hypnotic and soothing motion of the waves and the endless horizon of the sea washed away the noise and the stress that had taken up residence in my mind. Even now, with everything I was dealing with, I felt a rare sense of peace.
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