Michael couldn’t believe he was doing this. Who was it said love makes fools of us all? William Shakespeare? Or was it William Thackeray? Well neither of them was quite right. It might have made fools of most people, but it clearly made a complete idiot of him. There was no other explanation for why he was parked up outside Jessie’s house.
Her message to him last night couldn’t have been plainer. She didn’t want to see him.
Why couldn’t he just accept that and move on? Why had he decided it was a good idea to turn up unannounced at her house on a Sunday evening and have her tell him to his face instead? Plunge the knife in even deeper.
Gripping the steering wheel, he drew in a deep breath. He needed closure. Needed to know absolutely, once and for all, if there was any hope for them now his tour was coming to an end.
Bracing himself he climbed out of the car and walked up the gravel drive to her house. He could see her touches all around him. The messy but colourful flowerbed, the bright red door. The wooden sign stuffed haphazardly into a pot by the front door. Warning, footballers live here. Beware flying balls.
Standing on the step he tried to take another deep breath but his chest was too tight, his throat too constricted. His fingers shook as he pressed the doorbell.
It seemed like an eternity before she opened it.
As she stared at him in shock his eyes drunk her in; the jeans that hugged her glorious body, the soft pink cashmere jumper. He felt his heart opening, filling.
‘Michael.’ The shock was starting to recede from her face, confusion taking its place.
There were so many phrases he’d rehearsed. I love you. I miss you. Please give me another chance. But in that moment he felt so hurt, so angry, the words died on his tongue and instead he barked. ‘Why didn’t you come to the show last night?’
He watched her flinch, taking a step back, and he cursed himself. They hadn’t spoken for four months, and that was all he could come up with. Before she could say anything, he held up his hand. ‘Sorry, that was rude.’
‘No.’ She brought a hand to her mouth and he saw that he wasn’t the only one whose hands were trembling. ‘It’s a fair question. Truthfully, I…’ she hesitated, sucked in a breath. ‘I couldn’t bear to see you again.’
The heart that had started to open, shrivelled inside his chest and he turned, desperate to get away. What the hell had he expected, anyway?
But she reached out and gripped his arm. ‘Wait.’ He could feel the warmth of her hand through his jacket and it made his own blood heat. Stupid, instinctive reaction. His body didn’t understand what his mind now knew for certain. There was no hope for them.
He refused to turn around, refused to look at her. ‘I don’t want the it’s not you, it’s me speech.’
She started to laugh but there was no humour to it, no joy. ‘It’s not you or me, Michael. It’s beyond either of us. It’s circumstance. The different way we live our lives. I’m trying to move on.’
‘Is everything all right?’
Michael recoiled, lurching back as if he’d been shot as he saw John, flaming super coach, super boss, all round good egg John, step up behind Jessie. And put a protective arm around her shoulders.
Pain like he’d never experienced ripped through him and he staggered back down the drive towards his car. As he thrust open the door he glanced back at her. She looked horrified, anguished but he was hurting too much to feel any sympathy. This was her decision. ‘Have a good life, Jessie.’
Tears blinded his eyes as he tore off down the road.
Going round to see her? Stupid fucking decision.
By the time he reached his apartment his anger had fizzled out, leaving only a gut-wrenching sadness he knew nothing would soothe. Not the new kitchen and décor the insurance company had paid for. Not the view of Tower Bridge he looked out at, nor the beauty of the London skyline at night. Not the huge tumbler of whiskey he was about to down, though enough of it would at least numb it for a while.
His phone buzzed and he glanced down at the call ID, the tiny spark of hope dying as he saw Robert’s name.
He answered with two flatly spoken words. ‘It’s over.’
‘What? Even after you told her your decision?’
‘I didn’t get a chance to tell her anything.’ His mind flashed up the image of John with his arm around her. ‘Wouldn’t have a made a difference anyway. She’s moved on.’ He heard Robert’s deep breathing. No doubt the guy was trying to find the words to console him. ‘Stop thinking what to say to me. There aren’t enough words in the dictionary to help right now.’
‘The announcement’s gone to the press. Do you want me to retract it?’
‘No.’ His answer was sharp, instinctive. ‘Leave it. I can’t see me wanting to perform again anytime soon.’
‘Do you want me to come over?’
Michael shook his head. ‘You stay at home with your wife, daddy-to-be. I’ll be fine.’
He ended the call and swallowed half the tumbler, relishing the burn. He would be fine, he told himself. Maybe not for a while, but he would be fine. He’d got over Paula, he’d get over Jessie.
But he’d never risk his heart again.
As she’d watched Michael’s car tear off down the road, Jessie had sobbed so hard John hadn’t known what to do with her. He’d tried consoling her, putting his arms around her but Jessie had shaken her head, pushing him away.
They were the wrong arms.
Finally her tears calmed, though the ache in her chest was a ragged wound, seeping and raw.
‘You’re in love with him, aren’t you?’
John sat opposite her, leaning forward and hugging the mug of tea he’d made them both an hour ago.
Jessie’s remained untouched in front of her.
‘The boys…’ She lurched upright, then remembered Annabel had insisted on having them over. You and John have things to talk about she’d said in that unsubtle way of hers.
‘You told me they were with Annabel.’
‘Yes, yes, sorry.’ She sniffed, looking around for a tissue.
John smiled and pushed a big box under her nose. ‘I found these. It was at least one thing I thought I could do that was useful.’
Embarrassment flooded her. ‘I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t have to see me like this.’
He cocked his head. ‘We’re friends, aren’t we?’
‘I’d like to think so.’
He smiled. ‘I admit I’d hoped for more, but I can see your heart lies elsewhere.’
‘I’m sorry.’ She blew her nose. ‘I didn’t want you to find out this way. I should have told you as soon as you’d arrived, rather than waiting until after I’d fed you. I just worried you’d be offended and walk straight out, missing out on my amazing casserole.’
He laughed. ‘I never turn down a free meal, hurt feelings or not.’
She sighed, thinking how easy things would be if she loved John instead of Michael.
I don’t want easy, I want you.
Michael’s words when she’d posed him a similar proposition flashed back to her. The man she loved had wanted her so much he’d risked coming to her today. She knew how much he’d been hurt by Paula’s rejection of him. How much it must have cost him to come tonight after her own rejection of him yesterday.
Yet he’d still come.
A fresh avalanche of tears ran down her face as she realised how much she’d hurt him. And for what? Because she was afraid of giving them a chance? Afraid they wouldn’t work even though there was no way of knowing without taking that leap of faith.
‘Jessie?’ John’s softly spoken voice broke through her thoughts.
‘Sorry.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘I seem to be saying that a lot tonight, don’t I?’
He rose to his feet. ‘You don’t need to apologise. I’m here for you if you need me, but right now I think you probably want to be left alone for a while before the boys come home and shatter your peace.’
Jessie stood and walked wi
th him to the door. ‘Are you and I okay?’
‘We’re more than okay.’ He kissed her cheek. ‘We’re friends.’
He would make someone a great husband, Jessie thought as she watched him walk away. But it wouldn’t be her.
Monday afternoon and Jessie had a surprise visitor in the pharmacy.
Her friend looked so serious though, Jessie’s pulse notched up a gear. ‘Is everything okay? The boys, Phil…’
‘Everything is fine.’ Annabel raised her eyes to the ceiling. ‘Sorry, I didn’t think me coming in to see you would give you an attack of the worries.’
‘It didn’t. Not until I saw the expression on your face.’
Annabel gave her a wide, false grin. ‘Better? I didn’t know what expression I should have when I came to give you this news. It’s to do with Michael.’
Jessie swallowed. ‘What about him?’
‘I read this in the paper. I think you need to see it.’
With trembling hands, Jessie reached for the newspaper clipping Annabel was holding. Please don’t say he’s getting married. Or that he’s been in an accident.
Frantically she read the article, her body relaxing as none of her fears materialised.
As she came to the end of it though, the implications began to sink in and she clutched at the counter for support. ‘This was his last tour.’ He was still going to produce albums and give the occasional live performance, but he no longer wanted to spend so much of his life on the road.
Annabel smiled hesitantly. ‘Do you think that’s why he came round last night? To tell you in person?’
‘I don’t know,’ Jessie replied falteringly, her mind in a daze. ‘I thought it was just his ego wanting to know why I hadn’t turned up.’ Liar, her inner self screamed. For all his beauty, his talent, Michael didn’t have an ego. In fact, he had very little sense of his own self-worth.
‘He knows you hate him touring, so now he’s giving that up.’
Shame surged through her. ‘He loves performing. He shouldn’t be giving it up, not for me, not for anyone.’
‘Perhaps he loves you more.’
‘What the hell have I done?’ she whispered. ‘I never even told him I loved him. I was always afraid of saying my feelings out loud, as if it could somehow protect me from being hurt.’
Annabel took hold of her hands. ‘You can rectify all this, if you want to.’
She smiled miserably. ‘Don’t tell me, you have a magic wand?’
‘Better than that. At considerable expense, and you can thank me later, I’ve bagged a ticket for his final performance at the Albert Hall this Saturday. Go. Send a note to him backstage, telling him you’d like to see him.’
‘Even if he read it, which I doubt because he’ll be inundated with requests like that, there’s no way he’d want to see me. Not after yesterday.’
‘Jessie, I love you, but sometimes you drive me nuts.’
A bell sounded, signalling the arrival of a customer, and Annabel leant across the counter. ‘Either you want to give this relationship with Michael one last chance,’ she hissed. ‘Or you want to live the rest of your life as a sad spinster thinking if only.’ She thumped the ticket onto the counter. ‘Your choice.’
Carefully Jessie picked up the ticket, her fingers tracing Michael’s name. ‘One last chance it is, then.’
Chapter Thirty-Five
Michael was back in his dressing room, wiping at the sweat a two-hour performance always left him with. He needed a shower, but he needed to get away from here more. He was exhausted, emotionally and physically. The tour had sucked a great deal from him, leaving him knackered.
And Jessie had sucked out the rest.
A tap on the door and Robert popped his head round the door. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘Like I can’t wait to get out of here.’ Robert winced and slipped inside, shutting the door behind him. Michael’s heart sank. ‘I did all the press interviews before the performance. You promised that was it.’
‘It is, from the media side of things at least.’
As Robert paused, taking a second to study the floor, then his hands, Michael frowned. ‘Should I worry that you’re twitching like a rabbit’s tail?’ Robert didn’t smile, which sent Michael’s panic radar rocketing. ‘For God’s sake, man, talk to me.’
‘Jessie is here. She’d like to see you.’
Michael froze. He could hear his heart thumping in his ears, see Robert’s look of concern but he couldn’t react, couldn’t speak.
‘What shall I tell her?’ Robert persisted. Obviously sensing his meltdown, he walked up to Michael and put a hand on either side of his face. ‘Breathe, you bugger. Breathe.’
Michael sucked in a breath, then recoiled as he realised how close Robert was standing. ‘Get away from me, you daft sod.’
Robert chuckled, holding up his hands and stepping back. ‘Just trying to bring you back to earth. So, what do I tell Jessie?’
As the shock began to leave him, the pain rushed in behind it. ‘Tell her if she wants an autograph she can write to me like everybody else.’
‘Seriously?’ Robert shook his head in disgust. ‘You’re not the teeniest bit interested in why she’s here? What she has to say?’
The image of John with his arm wrapped possessively around her shoulders was etched in his memory. ‘I don’t need her to tell me what I’ve seen with my own eyes.’
‘Maybe what you saw wasn’t quite the truth.’ Robert gave him a long, hard look. ‘She’s made the effort to come all the way here. Stop being a stubborn prick and see her.’
Michael wasn’t sure he had the emotional strength left to handle the encounter. Before he could tell Robert no, he wasn’t up to it, not tonight, his friend had gone.
And a few seconds later it was Jessie knocking lightly on the door. Jessie walking through, looking absolutely gorgeous in her snug black trousers and bright red jacket.
She smiled tentatively. ‘Robert said it was okay to come in?’
‘Robert’s a meddling git,’ he muttered to himself before finally looking her in the eyes. Those eloquent hazel eyes that even now, even when he wanted to hate her, he felt himself drowning in. ‘We’ve said all we need to say to each other.’
Jessie raised her chin, meeting his gaze. ‘That’s where you’re wrong. I have a few things I need to say to you.’
She looked so calm, so damn collected, while he felt like a mass of knotted gut, shredded nerves and shattered heart.
‘Would you like to change first?’ She waved a hand towards the suit he hadn’t managed to get out of yet.
That’s when he noticed it shake, before she quickly clasped it with her other hand. So he wasn’t the only one unhinged by this, after all. Good. ‘I was going to go home and shower.’
‘Oh.’ Her eyes slid away from his and his bubbly, chatty Jessie seemed to be at a loss as to what to say next.
She’s not your Jessie.
‘If John won’t mind you can come back with me and we can talk there. It isn’t far.’
Her eyes met and held his. ‘John won’t mind in the least.’ She hesitated, seemingly ready to say more, but then sighed. ‘I’ll wait outside for you.’
It didn’t take him long to change out of his suit – the shower could wait but getting out of his sweat soaked shirt couldn’t – and gather his essentials. A crowd of autograph hunters met him at the back door and he dutifully stopped and signed. Usually he took pleasure from the task but today it was a chore he needed to get done, finished, so he could go home and let Jessie have her few words… consolation words, pity words.
Then he could get on with the rest of his life.
He’d like to bet part of what Jessie had to say included the dreaded I hope we can still be friends. Paula had once tried to fob him off with that, as if it could ever happen. He didn’t know how Jessie managed it with Phil. Michael didn’t have that strength. If he couldn’t have all of her, he didn’t want any of her. Being friends, seeing but no
t touching, would just about kill him off.
Jessie sat in the passenger seat of Michael’s sleek black Jaguar and watched the images of London flash by as they drove in silence towards his place. How unreal that she’d slept with him, dated him, visited him abroad but didn’t even know where he lived.
She kept her hands clasped in her lap so he wouldn’t see how much they shook. Inside her stomach was churning so much she thought she was going to be sick. If only he’d smiled at her, shown some degree of affection, of warmth. Right now all this seemed like a terrible idea. Maybe she hadn’t hurt him as much as she’d thought. Just because he’d been angry to see her with someone else, didn’t automatically mean he still wanted her.
A quick glance at his face and she was no nearer understanding how he was feeling. When she’d first met him she’d thought him arrogant, until she’d come to understand the aloofness was a mask he wore to protect himself. He’d once trusted her enough to let his mask slip. She just had to find a way to get him to trust her again.
‘I didn’t know you had a place in London,’ she remarked as they sped along the Embankment, the London lights shimmering on the river.
Michael glanced over at her. ‘As I recall, you weren’t prepared to hang around for long enough to find out.’
His curt words stung and she kept quiet for the rest of the journey.
He pulled up outside a tall, glass-fronted building overlooking the Thames. At a push of a button the gates opened and he drove down into the underground car park. Without uttering a word, he parked, opened his door and then hers, and led her to a lift. He took out a key, turned it in the lock and pressed for the ninth floor.
The lift stopped and he allowed her out first before moving past and opening the door to his apartment. As he reached to turn on the lights she gasped. Beyond the hallway was a contemporary living room, set against the stunning backdrop of London by night. There were no curtains, just wall-to-wall glass. It shrieked class, style. Money.
‘Stop it, Jessie,’ Michael said quietly, watching her as she fidgeted on the spot, all her previous insecurities coming to the surface. What was she doing here? What could this rich, sexy, talented man possibly want with her?
Reach for a Star Page 28
