by Jillian Dodd
Jake: He hung out with her Friday night, don’t know if they did anything. Seems like not, no one saw them kiss, but who knows. They also were sitting together on Saturday at lunch, but Bryce thought they seemed awkward.
Me: So are they back together?
Jake: Don’t think so. You would think if they were it would be all lovey dovey right? And it doesn’t seem that way. He told Ace he screwed up letting you leave without him, and he was stupid for thinking he wanted her back. I think he kinda got an ego trip out of it. If I had an ex like her that wanted me back, I’d go back to her, screw her and then say, nawwww, I don’t think it’s gonna work.
Me: Bitter much? Take it you aren’t on team Peyton anymore?
Jake: No way, and hey there are posters like all over school all pink and black and scrolly. Like I mean they are EVERYWHERE and they even hung them down the halls in my dorm. Well, so maybe I helped :)
Me: Awww:) French weekend is going to be sooo fun. So did you hang with Vanessa?
Jake: Yep. Made out with her RIGHT in front of Peyton.
Me: naughty :)
Jake: But I don’t think I am going to ask her to HC.
Me: Why not?
Jake: Well me and Mags kinda bonded over posters.
Me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jake: Yeah, maybe. She’s cute. We kissed. Tell me she’s not all prude.
Me: She’s not all prude.
Jake: :D
Riley says, “I’m gonna text Dawes. See what he’s thinking.”
Riley: Headed back home, how did things turn out this weekend? You and P back together?
Dawson: This weekend sucked. And no we’re not.
Riley: My weekend was AWESOME!!! Kiki’s family is so cool, we flew on a brand new G6, drank Dom, partied, met a bunch of famous people on a movie set, had a dinner at this amazing place. Best food I have ever had in my life. Met her adorable little sisters, let them fix my hair, got invited a movie premiere in December, to France over maybe over Christmas, got closer to Kiki and Dallas, pretty much the best weekend of my life. <3 (Part of me wishes this could have happened <3)
Dawson: Has Keatie read my Facebook statuses?
Riley: Nope.
Dawson: Things weren’t the same with Peyton. Keatie changed me. And I didn’t even realize it. Peyton seems all black and white, compared to Keatie’s vivid color. I was so stupid. Has she said ANYTHING about me?
Riley: No, she forbid us to say your name.
Dawson: :( What should I do?
Riley: Try to talk to her I guess. You hurt her. You need to figure out a way to make it up to her.
“So sounds like things aren’t going to work out with Peyton and him. So what are you gonna do? You gonna take him back?”
“I don’t think so. At least not for a while.”
“Wanna make him suffer, huh?”
“No. That’s not it at all. I want to make sure I feel okay about us. And after what he did, I just don’t have much faith in him, in us, anymore. Riley, I also have a question.”
“Shoot.”
“You told me Aiden’s a player. Why did you say that?”
“I don’t know, just knew he’s dated a lot of different girls.”
“Is it because of how he looks that girls like crush on him?”
“Yeah, maybe.”
“Cuz he told me I’m the only girl he’s kissed so far this school year. That doesn’t sound like a player to me. I mean, geeze Riley, how many have you kissed?”
“Like a dozen or so?”
“My point exactly.”
“Are you thinking about Aiden?” (Yes!)
“No, I just have to keep tutoring him, but he bugs me, I can’t picture us together.”
Dallas says, “Actually I could totally see you together.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. You just seem to sparkle around him. And he seems to affect you in a way no one else does. You’re like obsessed with him, but yet you say you hate him. He flusters you in a way no one else does.” (Riley, I love you. You are so on target here!)
“I do hate him, most of the time. We might end up friends, but it’s too soon to say.”
“So what are you gonna do about Homecoming?”
“Well, I have a hot dress and amazing shoes. What more do I need?”
“Me on your arm?”
“Or me,” Riley chimes in.
“Riley, you already have date.”
“Yeah, but I could ditch her, or better yet, go all rap star and walk in with a girl on EACH arm. Now that’s what I’m talking about.”
I guess I can relate.
8:20 pm
I find Aiden in the library, sitting at our table, grinning at me.
“So...saw the video. Dawson had to be going crazy.”
“I doubt it. He’s into your sister now.”
“You looked very sexy, very naughty. Everyone has been talking about it all weekend. You know you have like over 500 views? Dawson looked miserable. Even when I saw him with my sister at the party, he looked miserable. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think he did just get wrapped up in the idea of my sister finally wanting him back. I thought they would have been like crazy happy, but he just looked like he regretted it. You can sorta understand though?”
“What? Now you're pro Dawson?”
“No. I just, I think it would suck to lose you. I guess I can relate.”
“You've lost someone you cared about because you’re stupid?”
“Yeah, you, I think. That night, with the Keats toast.”
“I was fine with the Keats toast. It just caught me off guard, but then when I told you why it did, you completely changed. Got mad at me or something. Didn’t talk to me. Made me feel like I’d done something wrong.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong. I was mad at myself. Kinda like Dawson feels, I think.”
“Yeah, I don’t think Dawson liked the video too much.”
“No. I heard he smashed his computer. Remind me never to break up with you.”
“We’re never going out.”
“Why's that?”
“I'm never going out with a boy again.”
Hell, I predicted it.
9:15 pm
Sitting on the brick wall outside my dorm, dealing with Dawson.
“Keatie,” he pleads. “Please tell me we’re not over. Give me another chance. Can I kiss you?”
“Uh, I don’t think so, not right now.”
He looks at me with puppy dog eyes, but then he glares at me slightly, gets that determined set to his jaw, pulls me into a hug, says, “I’m sorry.”
And I try to stay stiff against the hug. I’m mad at him, but I also sorta understand. Doesn’t mean I don’t hurt, or that I can forget, but I sorta understand. Hell, I called it. I knew it was going to happen. Screw the psychic panty hotline. I should maybe become a relationship physic. I foresaw the future. And yay for me, for ignoring what I saw and falling for him anyways. I can’t decide which one of us was stupider. And I sorta soften in his arms and hug him back. He looks miserable.
“Look, I forgive you. I understand what you did. Hell, I predicted it. I knew it would happen. Knew we’d get happy, and you’d become more attractive to her because of it. I planned your makeover. I was just as much at fault as you. I should’ve never believed you. But you made me feel amazing and loved and sexy, and I just didn’t listen to my head. I actually started to believe love could be a good thing.”
“Keatie, really, I was stupid too. I don’t know why I thought it would be like you with her. You are so different, so much fun, and I feel like equal with you.”
And he’s looking in my eyes, and he has like not tears really, but sorta they look moist. Like maybe he’s on the verge and little tears start falling from the corners of my eyes. I try not to blink, so they won’t come out, but I do and they fall. And Dawson sees them. He puts one hand up to my face, wiping away the tears from
one side and the other side he kisses them. And then he’s kissing my cheek.
He smiles at me. “Please go out with me again. Go to homecoming with me.”
“Oh yeah,” I say, and pull his class ring out of my pocket. “Here, I forgot to give you this back when I stormed out of your room. And I’ll get you the necklace back.”
“No. I want you to keep them. I bought you the necklace because I love you. You do have the key to my heart. I just thought for a second someone else did. And she used to, but I think you changed the lock because she just didn’t fit anymore.”
And then I think he thought that was all terribly romantic, and I should be falling into a puddle at his feet. But I’m not.
“I’ll keep the necklace, but you have to take your ring back. And we’re not going out.”
He looks defeated again. I hate him looking like that. It’s the same look he had that night at the cave, when I set out to make that gorgeous face smile again. And I have to say, I have made him happy. I know I have.
“Please tell me we’re not through.”
“I can’t say one way or another right now. I’m not trying to punish you or anything or make you feel bad. I can see you feel bad. But you know how parent’s are always preaching that there are consequences to the decisions you make? Your consequence to this is that what you did hurt me, and I just can’t forget it. You made me look like a fool, like a dumb freshman. Thinking I could get and keep a gorgeous, hot guy like you. I want us to be friends, to stay friends. I like you, probably love you, but if you want me back, I think we’re going to have to start over. I can’t start where we left off.”
“I don’t get it. You told me you thought Peyton was stupid for not forgiving me, now you’re doing the same thing.”
“I wish.”
“What do ya mean?”
“I wish you would have been drunk when you did this. Then I could’ve saved face. Coulda said, aw, well you know, he was drunk, it happens. But no. You chose her, stone cold sober, as you were supposed to be getting ready to go on a trip with me. Ego or not, it says a lot about whether or not you really loved me. You’re going to have to prove to me you do, if this is going to go anywhere. And more importantly, you need to prove it to yourself.”
“What about homecoming?”
“We’re not going.”
“But I helped you pick out your dress.”
“Yeah, and you did a lot of other stuff with me too, but it wasn’t enough to make you tell her no.” I back away from him and sit on the wall. (This makes me so sad. Although I want her with Aiden, I like Dawson, too. But . . . He should have deleted the baby, please text immediately and blocked her number.)
“I’m sorry.” he says again.
“You keep saying that. You’re like a freaking broken record. You should tell yourself you’re sorry. I thought things were good. You wanted to meet my family, we were having fun, you seemed happy, the sex was amazing, and then poof. A few texts from her, and I was history. I can’t just forget that because you think you’re sorry. Remember, you also thought you were in love with me.” (I like that she finally tells him off here.)
He hangs his head. “Shit. Everything you’re saying is true.” He runs his hand through his hair, leaving it sticking up on the sides. “Come here.” Then he pulls me close to him, holds my face like he does after sex, when he’s the sweetest. Then he kisses me. And I can’t tell if these sweet kisses are makeup kisses or goodbye kisses.
“I gotta go.” I tell him, go to my room, collapse into a heap on my bed. Then decide I don’t want to face my friends yet, sneak out the back door of the dorm and over to Riley’s room.
Riley’s dorm room
9:45pm
Laying on Riley’s bed on my side. He’s sitting on his wheeled desk chair rolling around, not able to sit still.
“So you talked to my brother, and you’re not back together, right?”
“Right. And I’ve been thinking.”
“Oh, no.”
“Shut up. NOW is NOT the time to make fun of me!”
“Sorry,” he throws a pencil toward me and winks at me.
“This is serious. Talk to me about hooking up.”
“Well, see there’s your problem. Hooking up is not supposed to be serious. It’s about fun.”
“Well, I’m trying to decide which way I'm gonna go, I'm leaning toward bad girl, slutty, carefree, emotionless. You know, a girl version of you.”
“I'm not emotionless.”
“Oh I know that, but you can have meaningless sex. That's what I want. Who should be my first target? I'm thinking Jake.”
“Jake? Why not me?”
“I had sex with your brother. Your my bff, I have feelings for you. Plus Jake’s hot. When I was in detention, we made a list of the top five hotties at school. I think I'm gonna go through that list. I mean, I already did it with your brother. One down, four to go. Then I may have to lower my standards.”
“Who else was on the list?”
“Well Dawson, Jake, Aiden, Logan, and well, you.”
“Really!!?? I was on the list? Who put me on the list?”
“Uh, I don’t remember. So anyways, Logan is cute, but I don't know much about him. Me and Jake are kinda friends and Peyton supposedly likes him and is trying to get back together with him. So it would have the added bonus of revenge sex.”
“Baby.”
“What?”
“You deserve more than that.”
“Oh I know, I just don't want it. I'm done with boys toying with my emotions. I am an independent woman.”
“I don't think you should.”
“Why?”
“Guys don't like sluts.”
“You like sluts.”
“Yeah short term, but not long term.”
“Exactly! I want short term. The shorter the better. Uh, and when I say short, I’m referring the length of the relationship, not the length of his, you know.” I smile at him and raise up my eyebrows. (LOL, K.)
“What am I gonna do with you?”
“Just what you've been doing. Picking up the pieces of what's left of me.”
“Dawson wants you back. Aiden is drooling at your heels, wants a relationship with you.”
“Well this is about what I want. And tonight I wanna get fucked up. In more ways than one. You in?”
“I'm always in.”
“Good, tonight’s gonna be fun.”
Monday, September 26th
Maybe it was a lot of puke.
7:45 am
Last night was fun.
What I remember of it.
I was the life of the party, I think. I mean, I felt like it.
I remember asking Bryce to go get the good stuff out of his room, doing shots, dancing with Jake and Bryce in front of both Peyton and Dawson. Kissing them both. Dawson getting mad at me and leaving.
Then I was dancing with just Jake, then we were making out. Then he pulled me into a chair with him. We were making out, I was telling him I wanted to go to his room, he agreed, but we never left. At some point, I think I must have given him a lap dance of some kind. I remember Dallas trying to put a dollar in my shorts.
I was feeling groovy, as Brooklyn's dad would say.
Well, I was, until I wasn't.
All of a sudden, the alcohol I'd consumed hit me. Like I'd run into a brick wall on my bike, flipping me off into the hard concrete.
I remember telling Jake I didn't feel so good when we were on the chair kissing, but he ignored that and just pulled me in tight, and then I’m sure I pretty sure I threw up all over Aiden’s room.
Then it gets blurry.
Riley holding me.
Riley taking me to his room, Riley holding my hair while I puked, Riley waking me up this morning at four, sneaking me behind the dorms and then through my window, and then this morning, now, coming to my room with revive smart water, pumpkin bread, and Advil, walking me to history class.
“So I’m thinking breakups and s
hots are not a good mix for you.”
“No shit,” I say. “Do I need to die now of embarrassment now or not?”
“Not. But you have ceramics with Jake, oughtta be interesting.” Then he says quietly, but with a big grin, “I think maybe you got a little puke on him last night.”
“Oh, God.”
“Okay, well, maybe it was a lot of puke.”
“Kill me now, Riley. What would be a fun way to die?” (This is a fun scene, and I love that Riley took care of her. Held her hair while she puked, changed her clothes, got her home, and listened to her cry. He’s a good friend!)
He tosses his arm around me, pulls me into his shoulder. “Oh no. I'm not killing you, you're too much fun.”
“You held my hair while I puked.”
“Yeah baby, that's okay.”
“Thank you. In case I didn't thank you like last night. Like during the puking.”
“Um, you thanked me. You bawled, thanking me.”
“I bawled?”
“Yeah. Had a bawling, drunken meltdown. Kept thanking me for not being a stupid boy, cried about the surfer, about having a monkey nickname, I still don’t get that one, cried about Dawson, about hookups. That's what you should be embarrassed about. Also, I had to change your shirt. Did you notice you were wearing my shirt this morning?” (And I love that she was crying about having a monkey nickname.)
“Uh, no.”
“I swear. I didn't look. Well, not too much,” he laughs.
“I love you, seriously. You're my hero.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“I owe you.”
“Naw. That was just me trying to pay you back for my brother being an asshole. We’re even, okay?
“Okay. Riley?”
“Yeah?”
“Don't ever let me do that again.”
He just laughs at me.
Just hookup, have fun, no strings.
Wishing I could skip Ceramics
