by Claire Raye
“I’m really fucking sorry about what my dad did. To you, your family, everything.”
“Reid, I…”
“And I want you to know,” I continue, not giving him a chance to speak. “I swear on my life, I had no fucking idea about any of this, okay? I mean I get my dad’s an asshole and all, I’ve obviously heard the rumors about him. But I swear, I never knew he was screwing you guys over. I had no idea he was planning…” I stop, my breathing a little harder now, the grip on my glass tighter.
Caleb doesn’t speak, an awkward silence falling between us once again as I go back to staring at my glass, wondering if there will ever come a time when he believes me, when he forgives me for something that I had no fucking idea about.
“Reid,” he eventually says, his voice quiet.
I look up.
Caleb offers me a small smile. “I don’t blame you, okay? I know you didn’t know. Just like I know you are not your father. None of this was your fault.”
It’s like a weight is suddenly lifted off me, my body sinking into the couch as a wave of exhaustion washes over me. “You don’t?”
“No,” he says, shaking his head. “Trust me, I know what it’s like to have an asshole for a father.”
I take another sip, swallowing the liquid as I force myself to meet his stare. “And Sienna?”
Caleb glances away, a grimace crossing his face which he tries to hide with another sip of his drink. “Sienna is…complicated,” he says, shrugging. “I don’t understand it, seriously, but it’s like she’s…I don’t know, taken it all so personally.”
I nod, even as my heart is cracking wide open inside my chest, knowing that I’m the reason she’s hurting like this. I’m the reason for all of it.
“She’ll come around though,” he says, finishing off his drink.
“You think?” I ask, pushing the bottle across the table toward him.
Caleb chuckles and it’s the first time since we’ve been back that I actually get a glimpse of the old Caleb. “Well, I mean, she’s fucking stubborn, you and I both know that,” he says and I can’t help but raise a brow in a you think so gesture. He chuckles again. “I think she was just…I don’t know…it wasn’t what she expected to find coming back here,” he adds.
“It wasn’t what either of us expected,” I tell him.
“I know,” he says, topping up his drink before holding the bottle up to me. I shake my head, suddenly feeling like I’ve had enough. “But she also didn’t realize the full extent of the trouble we’re in, so—”
“I’m going fix this, Caleb,” I say quickly, cutting him off. “I promise you.”
Caleb shoots me a sad smile. “How, Reid?” he asks. “It’s your dad, he’s…he’s, fuck, he’s big time.”
I exhale, pinching the bridge of my nose. “I know, but I’m working on something, okay? Can you just…fuck, can you just give me a couple more days. I promise I’ll make this right.”
Caleb stares at me, his dark blue eyes that are so much like his sister’s it actually hurts to look at him, watching me. His face is a mask to whatever he’s thinking. “What are you doing, Reid?” he eventually asks.
I shake my head. “Can you just leave it with me for now?” I ask, my voice low. “Until I know I have things organized?”
He doesn’t look away, his stare hardening a little as though he wants to say something he knows I don’t want to hear, but is afraid to voice it. My heart pounds in my chest, silently begging him not to ask me what I’m going to do. Because even I don’t know if it’s going to work and I’m too fucking afraid to give them hope only to let them down again.
Eventually, he nods, giving me a small smile. “Okay.”
“Thank you,” I tell him.
Caleb puts his empty glass on the coffee table before gently easing himself off the couch, still obviously in some pain. I do the same, walking behind as he moves toward the front door. I watch as he turns the handle, opening the door to the night. Before he steps through though, he pauses, his head half turned as he looks at me over his shoulder.
“Are you okay, Reid?” he asks quietly. “I don’t think I’ve…don’t think I’ve ever asked how you’re doing in all this.”
I have to swallow hard as a pain pushes on my chest and a tightness clutches at my throat. I throw back the whiskey that I realize is still in my hand before leveling my gaze at him. “Not really,” I choke out, my voice barely recognizable. “But it’s okay,” I lie.
Caleb shakes his head once before turning, taking the two steps that separate us and wrapping his good arm around my shoulders in an awkward hug. It feels like my body practically collapses against him, as the last reserves of my strength give way. I want to confess everything, to tell him what the last two years have been like, the last two weeks, to beg him to take me home with him so I can talk to Sienna, plead with her to forgive me.
But I don’t.
I just stand in his embrace for a few seconds before pulling back, offering him a smile that I know is fake, as I say, “Be careful.”
He nods. “You too,” he says before turning and walking outside. When he gets to the bottom of the stairs though, he pauses, half looking back as he says, “I don’t know what happened with you two, but…” He stops and takes a deep breath before continuing. “She’ll forgive you eventually,” he says, before turning and walking out into the night.
I close the door, sinking to the floor so I’m leaning back against it as my head falls into my hands. A sob escapes me, the sound and action so foreign and strange because I don’t think I’ve ever cried over anything and I have to slap a hand over my mouth just to stop it.
My body aches with how much I want Caleb’s words to be true. With how much I want to confess everything to him. About what happened, about how I feel, about how much I fucking miss her right now.
But I know now is not that time.
So I pull out my phone, opening up the message app as I once again type out a message to the one person I can tell. The one person I so desperately want to talk back to me.
Me: hey…just wanted to see how you are doing. I hope the flowers arrived. Hope you read the card. Please know it’s true…I miss you, so much.
But as always, it goes unanswered, my words nothing but a string of letters on a screen. Message after message to her.
“Fuck,” I say, pushing my drunken ass off the floor. I don’t head toward the living room though, instead going back to my father’s office, an urgency that may be partly fueled by alcohol and partly by my desperate need to get Sienna back.
Opening the door in a rush, it slams into the wall, the handle probably making a dent in the drywall that I do not give a shit about. When I’d been in here earlier, it had all felt like a lost cause, a pointless exercise, because there was nothing to find.
But this time, I’m not holding back. I don’t give a shit about locked drawers or wall safes or places I’m not supposed to look. I’m fucking done giving a shit about any of it because I know, deep down, that he does not give a shit about me or anyone else but himself.
And I’m fucked if I’m going to let that be the reason I lose the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.
Chapter Six
Sienna
I know Caleb went to see Reid last night and it’s taking everything in me not to ask him a million questions, not to ask how Reid is doing and if he asked about me. It isn’t my business anymore what Reid is doing and I keep telling myself that, but my damn heart has other ideas. I need to be smart about all of this, use my head, because going with my heart is what got me into this mess in the first place. I knew Reid was trouble and for years I stayed away, but I never believed he’d break my heart the way he did. I never believed he’d hurt Caleb, hurt our family. He’s just not the person I thought he was or maybe I’m just looking for an excuse, someone to blame for this mess.
I’ve been avoiding Caleb for this reason. I don’t have the resolve not to ask anymore. I want to beg him to t
ell me how Reid is. I want him to assure me and my heart that Reid had nothing to do with him being attacked, with our father’s death and with the demise of the bar. But even hearing it straight from Caleb’s mouth, I’m not sure I’m ready to believe it, ready to forgive Reid.
Caleb walks into the kitchen, a smirk on his face and it makes me giggle a little. A feeling of normalcy is creeping in as we stand here looking at each other.
“What are you smiling about?” I ask, hands on my hips. This is the first time I’ve seen him look like the carefree Caleb that I know and love.
“I’m smiling because you loved those flowers from Reid. I saw it on your face,” he says, now grinning even more like he’s caught me in some sort of lie.
“They were very nice flowers, don’t you think?” I ask back, trying to play it cool.
“They were, but I think they have more meaning than either of you are letting on.” Caleb shifts so his hip is leaning against the counter, his head cocked to the side as if he’s waiting for some huge revelation.
“I think you’re bored and digging for something to make your life exciting.” I let out a hard exhale of annoyance. Pursing my lips and narrowing my eyes at him, I mimic his posture.
“That’s probably true. I need a distraction from all this shit with Ray Bowen, but I still think I’m right. You two can act like it didn’t happen or whatever, but eventually I’m going to find out and I’m going to give you so much shit for it.”
I laugh out loud and Caleb does the same, the two of us laughing like fools during a situation when we should be scared shitless. This is our way of deflecting it all and even though it won’t fix anything, we both feel a little better.
“I’m going to go over to the bar and see if I can help sort through all the bullshit Dad left us to deal with,” I tell Caleb and he nods.
“It’s good to have you back, Sie,” he says, relief almost floating out of his words. “I’ve been at this for two years, but Dad barely let me have a look at anything. I was basically running payroll and managing the bar.”
“I know and I’m not blaming you for what happened. We just need to see where all the money is going and if there’s even a possibility of salvaging anything.”
“Dad was still paying everyone, so money had to be coming in from somewhere,” Caleb admits and his words make me cringe a little.
“I think the money was coming from the loan he took on the house and the money he got from Reid’s dad.”
“Yeah, probably, but from what I’ve looked at, the bar was still turning a pretty decent profit. I think Dad was gambling and that’s where things went to shit,” Caleb admits.
It doesn’t surprise me because that was how the empire of a collection of bars our great grandfather created fell like a house of cards in the wind. Our father would disappear for days on end, binge drinking and gambling large amounts of money and within a few months he’d slowly chipped away at a fortune that should’ve sustained us for the rest of our lives.
I knew at a young age I didn’t want this life. I didn’t want to live with wondering how I would pay bills or if the bank would repossess my house. It’s why Caleb and I agreed that at least one of us would go off to college and find a career that would allow us the stability we never had.
But when things got really bad and the bars slowly started closing, and all that was left was the small one here in the heart of Providence, Caleb and I knew one of us would have to stay and see if we could salvage what was left.
It’s proved far more difficult and I’m not even sure there’s anything left to save now.
“You don’t blame me, do you?” Caleb asks, seemingly out of nowhere, but I know it’s something that has been on his mind for a while. I’ve told him I don’t, but I understand his hesitation in believing me.
“Blame you for what?” I ask, sounding slightly appalled at his question.
“The bar failing? Dad dying? Letting Dad get involved with Ray Bowen?”
“Oh my god, Caleb, fuck no. Dad was a grown ass man and you had no control over what he did. He made his own choices and didn’t care how they affected us. I know there’s no way you could’ve stopped him from any of it.”
“Thanks,” he says, dropping the conversation there as he pulls me in for a quick hug. I’m sure the guilt he feels is tremendous, eating at him as he wonders what he could’ve done differently. But in the end, this was bound to happen and maybe like Caleb said, it’s the best thing for us now.
I head over to the bar, finding it far busier than I expected. It’s just after six p.m. and the crowd is consuming most of the bar top along with the surrounding tables and booths. It’s like nothing has changed, like the people here don’t know the secrets this place holds.
“Sienna!” I hear as soon as I walk through the door. Normally I would’ve taken the back entrance, but for some reason tonight, I came in through the front. I guess I am looking for that nostalgic feeling of remembering it for one last time. It’s going to be gone before we know it.
“Joe!” I call back, beaming when I see his face. Joe has been with us since before Caleb and I were born. He grew up with our mom and started bartending here about twenty-five years ago. He’s been a staple and a pillar of this place ever since.
I jog up, squeezing into an empty spot so I can lean over and hug him.
“It’s so good to see you. How’s school going?” he asks. His words are filled with genuine interest and as much as I’m excited to see him, I know things are about to change. He knew our parents for almost all their lives and he also knew what a disaster they were, so the fact that he’s stuck around this long is huge.
“Things are good. I mean, I’m back because of my dad, so I guess things aren’t that good,” I say, shrugging my shoulders as I feel the pressure of my words weighing heavy in the room.
“Yeah. I’m so sorry. It’s still hard even…” His words fail to continue, but they don’t need to. I know what he was going to say. It’s what everyone has said since his passing.
It doesn’t matter that he was a shitty person. It doesn’t matter that I hadn’t seen or spoken to him in over two years. It doesn’t matter that he was never really our father. It all still stings just the same. It’s still a loss, a loss that Caleb and I didn’t need.
“I know. Thanks,” I say, trying to keep things as brief as possible. I toss a thumb in the direction of the office, adding, “I’m gonna go take a look at some things so I’ll catch you later.”
Joe nods his head just as a customer tosses up a hand. It gives me a chance to slip away before anyone else notices I’m here. There are plenty of regulars and some of them I’m not interested in seeing.
I step back into the hallway that leads to the bathrooms, stockroom and the office. When I pull open the door I’m hit with the familiar smell of newspaper, bourbon and cigarettes. It smells like my childhood and for a split second I feel like I might cry.
I remember my grandpa sitting behind this same desk, papers scattered everywhere and a cigarette hanging from his lips. He was a large and menacing man with a permanent scowl on his face, but when he saw Caleb or me, he’d light up. He died young, right before our mother passed away and I hold onto the small memories I have of him tightly. He was different than our father, and I know if he were still alive, none of this would be happening.
But I can’t dwell on the past, so I sit down and begin to pull open file cabinet drawers and flip through anything I can find that might help.
It’s been hours and I still haven’t come across anything that looks to be suspicious. My father was a meticulous bookkeeper and as far as the IRS knows, everything is in line. He even has payments recorded to Ray Bowen. The only thing I come across is the paperwork for the loan against the house and it’s the worst of it all. He placed the house in the business name so he could max out the amount of the money they’d give him, so basically that means when the house goes down, the bar goes down with it.
I think about all those
people out there, buying drinks and eating the food, helping keep this place afloat, but little do they know, it doesn’t matter. I think about Joe and how he’s going to lose his job, a job that he’s held and held well for almost thirty years.
It’s the end of an era.
The bank at this point isn’t an issue. I hate that we can’t repay them, but they don’t care. They won’t come after us; they won’t send someone to try to shake us down. They’ll disappear quietly, putting up a for sale sign when the dust all settles. Some investor will buy the house and turn it back into the stunning beauty it once was. They’ll make a huge profit off our loss.
The same will happen to the bar. A new one will move into its place. A new sign emblazoned outside will glow neon with a new name, new food, new drinks, a renovated inside, and the people will flock, because everyone loves something shiny, polished and new.
But out of all of this, it’s Reid’s dad that scares me the most. It’s Reid’s dad who won’t give up and he doesn’t fucking care that we’re broke. We owe him.
I shove at the stack of papers I’ve now piled in front of me. The tears once again forming quickly, something that seems to occur regularly now. This isn’t who I am. This isn’t my life anymore and I need to stop crying over it.
We need to find a way out.
I grab a few files that I want to show Caleb, a few minor things that may help us out, and tuck them under my arm as I leave. I step into the narrow hall, the crowd buzzing, the music playing, but instead of going out the back, I decide again to leave through the front entrance.
Figuring I should say goodbye to Joe, but as soon as I leave the hallway and enter the bar area, I see him.
What is he doing here?
Reid is sitting at the far end of the bar, a glass of whiskey in one hand and a Brown University girl wrapped around his arm. Her mouth is next to his ear, her braless tits pressed against him as he looks down at his glass. She says something to him, her head tossed back laughing and he smirks a little. It’s weak and emotionless, but he’s still sitting there with her and in less than an hour, he’ll be in the bathroom with her too.
