“…call you from the ER.”
“…going to walk her to the car.”
I’m wide awake and alert by the time
Mom drives me,
way too fast and reckless,
to the emergency room
where it takes three hours
into the night—
blood tests, heart monitors,
head monitors,
stool samples,
questions and consultation,
with a swoon-worthy intern
to determine I simply have
a bad case of
dehydration
and strep throat.
“Heard you went out with a bang
at some kind of big music event
in your honor this evening,”
Swoon Hunk says, while he scribbles out
the prescriptions.
My blush gives the fever an energy boost.
I suddenly flash on the flub followed by the fainting
and I think I see where he’s going.
Panic starts to creep up my spine.
“Okay, so, the head wires….”
“Do I have seizures now, too,
like my brothers?”
Swoon Hunk puts his pen down
and swivels on his stool to give me
his full attention.
In one of the most soothing voices
this side of the moon
he explains all the tests they gave me,
the reasons why
and the results.
“No sign of seizures,” he says.
Mom’s phone buzzes and she steps outside
to take the call.
“What’s going on with your brothers?”
I glance toward the door and lower my voice.
“They have Batten disease, and, uh, no one
has talked to them the way you just
talked to me, and well,
I think somebody should,
but my parents don’t agree with each other
and it’s a sore point at our house.”
“Whether or not your brothers are informed
about their situation is your parents call,
but your concerns here might be a good reason
for some dialogue. I’d be happy to
facilitate a family meeting.
Fair enough?”
Being in on anything the Swoon Hunk
facilitates makes me blush again.
I like this guy
apart from the fact he’s gorgeous.
He doesn’t
mess around
and he gets where
I’m coming from.
I nod.
“Just have one of your parent’s call me
when the time seems right, okay?”
I nod again, amazed at how good
you can feel with strep and dehydration
at 3:00 in the morning.
FORGIVENESS
Mom tiptoes into my room
bearing six long-stemmed roses
and my medicine.
“Juan wanted you to have these last night
but he said to tell you
you need to practice your exits
a little bit more.”
Her laugh masks tears
lurking behind sad eyes.
“I’m so sorry, Claire. I never
should have let you go on
with the recital,
as sick as you were.”
I squeeze her hand.
“If you’re talking about the flub
it’s really okay. In fact
I think it’s kind of—
I can’t believe I hear myself saying this—
kind of funny.”
“Hmmm, that’s an interesting take on it.”
Her look says ‘maybe there really is something wrong
with her head’
along with relief and determination
to let it go for now.
She says she’ll be back with
tea and toast,
our standard sick-and-home-from-school menu.
Dad pops in next,
and I brace myself
for his disappointment.
“My behavior is inexcusable, Claire,
especially in view of all the things
we learned at the conference. I
hope you’ll forgive me for,
for pushing you when you were
obviously very ill.”
“It’s okay, Dad.
Really, I’m okay with it.
There’s nothing to forgive.”
Maybe if I don’t tell him about
my new warped sense of humor
he won’t tell me how unfunny
he thought it was.
Silence.
He smiles and leans down to kiss me.
HOME AND HOSPITALS
After sleeping most of the day
I’m pushing Mom to let me go back to school
tomorrow,
but she’s sticking to her guns
about staying home one more day.
The hospital.
It’s all Davy and Trent can talk about
when Mom lets them into my room
late in the afternoon,
as long as they keep their distance.
Did they give you a shot?
Dad said they hooked you up with a bunch of wires.
How come you fainted on stage?
Do you have seizures now, too?
I try to give good answers
to all their questions,
remembering my promise to keep the secret
and thinking of the Swoon Hunk’s advice.
I shudder to think how much
hospital
they will experience on the road
they are traveling.
If only my brothers’ health could be
restored
by a few pills
and a little bed rest.
Spring
THE REHASH
At lunch on my first day back
it’s Kyle,
formerly quiet Kyle,
who seems to get bolder
and more comical by daily association
with Mia,
who is the first one
to break the silence
about the recital.
“Yo, Claire, your recital was…great.
Did you have to practice much
for that last part,
you know,
the grand finale?”
He practically chokes when Mia
kicks him under the table.
She looks at me apologetically
then she practically chokes
when I practically choke
laughing hysterically with my mouth full.
They’re all staring at me
like I’ve really checked out,
flipped,
gone over the edge.
Maybe more than one of them
remembers how crushed I was
when I took second place
in the regionals last year,
or how weepy I got after
I thought I’d messed up
on the all-state band auditions
even though I hadn’t.
Maybe they all remember
how music has driven my life
since forever
and how it’s rarely been
a laughing matter
but rather,
something I’ve been
dead serious about.
Maybe they expected tears
instead of laughter.
“You know I messed up, you liar,
so the recital was less than great
and yeah, I probably practiced more
for the finale than I did
for the whole show.”
Well now I’m a liar, but I’m enjoying this
too much to stop.
Carlos gl
ances at Juan
who is staying silent,
then at me.
“You mean you, like, didn’t plan that
um, long pause in the middle?
I mean, it’s okay with me if you did,
I’m just sayin,’ not being musical
and all.”
“You got it, Carlos. I made a big, fat mess-up
in the middle of my award recital. Isn’t
that a hoot?”
I laugh a genuine
deep down laugh
again.
“Claire, you’re having too much fun with this.
Did you plan this out, or something,
for some warped reason…
a joke, or something? You can’t be serious
I mean, about this being funny. It’s, uh
not like you, you know what I mean?”
Juan looks as if Mia just took the words
right out of his mouth, and he stops eating
to wait for my answer.
“Okay, you guys.
Sure, it bummed me out
for a few seconds when I went blank
in the middle of my big moment
but you know what?
I flashed on Davy and Trent
and I can’t explain it.
Somehow,
it seemed fitting.
It’s like the new normal
in my life.
They count more than I do
or more than anything I can do
and maybe I needed
that reminder.”
Tara jumps up from her seat
across from me and nearly stumbles
on the bench
to hug me.
“You’ve come a long way, baby.”
I return the hug.
“I could say the same about you, Tara.”
Juan aims a beaming smile my way,
leaving no doubt that the winter chill
is over.
The new normal.
MORE CHANGES
Mia catches up with me at the lockers
at the end of the day.
“You’ve changed, Claire.”
It’s hard to read her tone
at first, and then I see it
in her steady, straight-on gaze,
a best-girlfriend version of Juan’s
warm vibes.
“Yeah, I guess I have.”
I can’t take it any farther,
any deeper than that
right now.
It is what it is.
As if she had been testing the waters,
Mia presses on with what
is really on her mind.
“It’s about Mrs. Shepherd.”
She watches for my reaction.
“She’s okay, but, well,
I’m not really sure what’s going on.
When I dropped in to see her
yesterday, to try to talk about,
you know, the celebration,
a nurse was there.
She said she’d had a stroke.
Not a really bad one,
but she…she can’t talk
right now
or maybe
anymore.”
“Time isn’t on our side, Mia.
We need to do a Schmoozie’s
ASAP
and get this show on the road.”
“Agreed. Let’s try for tomorrow
after school. You text Juan and Carlos
and I’ll catch up with Tara and Kyle.”
QUESTIONS WITHOUT ANSWERS
It’s a constant battle
keeping up with the changes
rippling through our family,
our lives.
Just inside the door from
my upbeat conversation with Mia,
Mom tells me
about her decision
to take a leave of absence
to deal with the boys’ medical needs.
In the same breath,
her concern that Dad is about to trash
his tenure at the college.
One of the Tips for the Family
from BDSRA comes to mind:
don’t let the disease always take center stage.
Is that what’s happening?
Will staying home be the best thing for Mom
or our family?
How much of Dad’s job problem
is related to the beast?
Questions without answers
and tuning in tomorrow
doesn’t seem to bring
much relief.
JOY, PURE AND DEEP DOWN
Mia leads off at Schmoozies.
“Mrs. Shepherd has been moved to
a care facility, and she, we
may not have much more time
but I visited her there,
and she hasn’t lost her spark,
just her speech.
And, this just came to me,
why not take advantage of that,
not the stroke
but the facility,
and see if we can have the celebration
there, in their big reception area?
It would hold tons more people
than her tiny house.”
“Okay,” Carlos says, scratching his head.
“But what kind of celebration
can we have at a nursing home?”
“A celebration of life, of course.”
Mia jumps on it, “Why not a hootenanny?”
“Yes! Perfect!” I say.
The others give us curious stares.
After we take turns elaborating on
Mrs. Shepherd’s backstory, zooming in on
the Pete Seeger events,
the giddiness spreads around the table.
“Oh, this is too exciting.
I could get the cheerleaders
to work up a special drill,”
Tara says, popping her gum,
“you know, like some of the moves
we learned at cheerleading
camp last year were all about
good sportsmanship, and being competitive
without being ugly.
I can see it now.
This will take it to a whole new level.
Can’t you just see it?”
She raises her hand to read
an imaginary scrolling marquee.
“Students wage war on Batten Disease.
Awesome.”
Carlos beams at her.
“Whoot! Whoot!”
Kyle starts humming
“If I Had a Hammer”…
Juan chimes in.
“Before we talk about the music,”
he says, clearly sending a huge smile my way,
“I’ve checked with the admins
and they are on board with helping us
do some fundraisers, all proceeds
going to BDSRA, of course.
Ol’ Benson himself even said
we could set up some bake sales
at the Spring track meets,
the Spring Music program,
the PTO meetings.
The sky’s the limit, basically.
And Claire, about the music.
We’ve all been talking among ourselves,
and we think it’s a no-brainer
that our first fundraiser features you
at the keyboard. A benefit concert.”
I surprise myself with a quick comeback.
“Only on one condition, and that is
that we make it a duo.”
He surprises me back.
“We can talk,
but I think that just might be
duo-able.”
Groan. Chuckle.
Can this really be happening?
Have we reached that new place
in the galaxy where our separate
orbits don’t collide, but fall into sync?
Juan hangs ba
ck while the others file out
and I’m suddenly aware
my hair is a mess and I have little make-up on.
I start to feel flushed when he gently pulls me up
out of the booth
and doesn’t speak.
He takes both hands in his,
locks his gaze to mine and stares.
“I’m glad you’re feeling better, Claire.”
A flush spreads across his face;
maybe the first time I’ve seen him flustered.
He leans in and plants a gentle but firm kiss
squarely on my lips
and wraps me in a long, tight hug.
I’m speechless,
tingly,
saturated with joy,
pure and deep down.
EARLY CALL
I’m in bed by 9:00,
exhausted but pumped
by the day’s events
when my phone lights up
with Juan. I blush
just thinking about the way
we parted this afternoon.
“Hey.”
“Hey yourself.”
“I was just thinking about you.”
“Me, too. No! I mean, same here,
No, No! I meannnnnn, I can’t stop,
I mean,
I’ve been thinking about you, too.”
Pause. Silence. Breathe.
“Are you still there?”
“Yeah, but I forgot why I called.
I think it was to tell you
I can’t stop thinking about you.
Yeah, that was really it,
Behind These Hands Page 18
