“No. Not even for a second. Kissing you back may have been the wrong thing to do, but I did it for the right reason. I don’t ever want you to doubt that. This...” He put one hand over my heart, and I could tell from the sudden swell of color in his eyes that he could feel it beating. “Us... We’re right. This is the way things are supposed to be, Kaylee. Don’t tell me you can’t feel that. I can see it in your eyes.”
“I know. Do you think...? I mean, it sounds stupid, but your mom said it was true for my parents....” I blinked and could almost feel myself blush. “Do you think we’ll ever be soul mates?”
“I think we already are.” The blues in his eyes spun so fast they made me dizzy. “I remember the exact moment you took a piece of my soul. I felt it.”
I held my breath, which, as it turns out, is completely different than simply ceasing to breathe. “When?” The word carried no sound, yet he heard it.
“When I found you on your bed, bleeding out. I knew you were going to die. I’d been trying to prepare myself for it, but when the moment came, I couldn’t let you go. I knew I couldn’t stop it, but at the same time I knew that if you died, you’d have to take me with you, because I couldn’t be here without you.”
My heart beat so hard my entire body shook with each thump.
“That’s why Levi was able to get me back, Kaylee. Did Madeline tell you?”
I shook my head. I didn’t quite understand what he was trying to say, but I could feel the reality of it slipping into place inside me, like all great, irrefutable truths.
“He turned in my soul after he reaped it, but they couldn’t process it because it wasn’t whole. I’d given part of it to you. He was on his way to untangle the rest of my soul from yours when Madeline found him and asked for an audience with you. Then, when you told him to bring me back, he knew that might actually be possible, because you still had some of my soul.”
Tears filled my eyes and spilled down my cheeks.
“So...I’m yours, Kaylee. Every single part of me, from the hands that itch to touch you to the bit of my soul that you carry. Nothing can ever change that.”
I held him so tightly my arms ached and I was sure I must have been bruising him, but he didn’t complain. “I love you so much, and sometimes that scares the crap out of me.”
“Me, too. Have I told you that you’re the scariest thing I’ve ever seen?”
I blinked in surprise. “Well, that’s a...nontraditional compliment. Thanks?”
He laughed. “Okay, that was bad phrasing, but it’s the truth.” He ran his thumb over my lower lip, and the swirling in his irises swelled with the touch and with the thoughts behind it. “This is the most frighteningly beautiful mouth I have ever seen. The most terrifyingly delicious lips I have ever tasted. These lips make me hungry for more every time I kiss them. This mouth, and the tongue inside it...they speak words I hang on to. Words that make me want to be a better man. Words I would gladly build my entire afterlife around. But they also say things that terrify me. Things that send chills all the way to my heart. They speak about dangers I can’t prevent. Threats I can’t always see. They threaten to do things that could get you hurt, when every single beat of my heart tells me that I need to protect you.”
I stared at him, stunned, and he leaned in to kiss me again, softly. Almost chastely.
“This mouth scares the afterlife right out of me, Kaylee, but then every time I see these lips, or feel them, or taste them, I remember exactly why I’m still here. Exactly why I’ll still be here a hundred years from now. A thousand, if there are that many years in the cards for us.”
“Tod, I—”
He put one finger over my mouth and grinned. “And this nose, by the way, is terrifyingly cute, both head-on and in profile. These cheeks...” He kissed my right cheek. “These cheeks are where smiles were meant to live, and where all my own smiles are born, and if you don’t think that’s scary, then you obviously haven’t noticed how I smile much more often than is expected of the dreaded grim reaper. This forehead...” Another kiss, and my heart nearly exploded. “This forehead hides scary thoughts I wish you didn’t have to think, and it crinkles when you’re worried.”
Tod ran one finger over my left eyebrow, slowly, his gaze holding mine. “These eyes scare me on a daily basis, because they see more of me than I’d even thought possible. They see all of me. And they show me things, too.” He kissed each of my eyebrows, and tears blurred my vision. “These beautiful blue eyes show me all the things you’d be willing to do for the people you care about. The things you would give up. The pain you would put yourself through for anyone you love—including me—and I can hardly stand to look into these eyes sometimes, because when I do, I know that you’re going to do what needs to be done, even if that might take you away from me. From all of us.”
He exhaled slowly, and the swirling in his own irises slowed. “And I know that I have no right to ask you not to do whatever you’re thinking about doing right now, but looking into your eyes at this particular moment is scaring me worse than I’ve ever been scared, Kaylee. Worse than when I died. Worse than when Nash died. Worse than when you died, because whatever you’re thinking...it’s bigger than that, isn’t it? This is bigger than one death, because it’s bigger than one life. Isn’t it?”
“Tod, I can’t....” My eyes filled again, and his face blurred beneath my tears.
“Yes, you can.” He looked into my eyes, and I blinked. When my tears fell, he got a better look at my irises, and I saw fresh apprehension twist in his. “What are you thinking, Kaylee?” He frowned, looking deeper. “Whatever it is, please tell me you haven’t already done it.”
“I haven’t. But most of the plans are already in place.”
“What plans? What did you do? Please tell me you didn’t make another deal with a hellion.”
“I need a drink. My mouth is so dry.” I’d never been so nervous or felt so guilty in my life.
Tod handed me my cup, and I took a long sip from mine while he drank from his. When I heard the dry, icy rattle from the bottom of his cup, I knew it was time.
“Thanks.”
He set both cups on the fridge one last time. “Better?”
“Yeah.” I cleared my throat and crossed my legs beneath me on the mattress, trying to decide how to start the most difficult conversation I’d ever been a part of.
“What’s going on, Kaylee?” His voice was low and tense. He watched me in fear, and that was only going to get worse.
“I’m going to tell you some of it. As much as I can. But an hour from now, you’re not going to remember what I said. Not consciously, anyway.”
“I’m not going to...?” His frown deepened. “Why wouldn’t I remember?”
I glanced pointedly at the cups standing on his minifridge, and he followed my gaze. “What the hell did you do?” When he turned back to me, irises twisting with a soul-bruising combination of fear, anger, and betrayal, I held the vial out to him, my hand shaking almost uncontrollably.
He took the vial and read his mother’s handwriting. Comprehension surfaced in his expression, then bled into anger a split second before he turned and hurled the vial at the wall. It shattered, leaving a wet smear on the paint and shards of glass on the floor.
I flinched but stood my ground. I’d known he’d be mad, but that didn’t alter necessity.
“You drugged me?”
“I’m so sorry, Tod.” I tried to take his hand, but he pulled away from me, and my heart broke into a thousand splinters of pain and despair. “I had to.”
“You had to drug me?” He stood and paced the narrow floor space for a second, then turned to me again. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“This is the only way I could tell you what’s going to happen, and you deserve to know that, even if you’re not going to remember it.”
“That doesn’t make any sense! What’s the point of telling me if I’m not going to remember?”
“Your mom taught me a lit
tle bit about—” I gestured vaguely toward the wet spot on the wall “—when we used it on Traci. You won’t remember specifically what I’m about to tell you, but subconsciously you should retain enough to understand that this was my choice. That this is really how I wanted it to happen.”
“Kaylee...?” His voice was so thick with fear that it seemed to hang in the air between us. “What did you do?”
I wasn’t ready to answer that yet, so I continued with my own train of thought. “Also, I wanted to say goodbye. I couldn’t just...go.”
“No.” He sank onto the bed next to me, shaking his head so hard that blond curls bounced on his forehead. “No. Whatever you did, we can undo it. You’re not going anywhere. I won’t let you. None of us will.”
I took his hand, and that time he let me keep it. He covered them both with his free hand as if he were about to break some tough news to me.
I took a long, deep breath. “In a couple of hours, Levi’s going to come see you guys at my house.”
“Levi?” Tod’s hands tightened around mine. “What does he have to do with this?”
“He’s going to tell you that I’m gone—”
“No. No, Kaylee...” The pain in his eyes echoed deep inside me, and I had to swallow the lump in my throat to continue.
“He’s going to tell you that I came to his office tonight—between picking up that vial and going out for cherry limeades—and that I asked him to take my soul and turn it in.”
“Kaylee, no. I won’t let him. He’ll have to go through me to get to you.”
My chest ached like someone was prying my ribs open, one at a time, to get at what was left of my poor, shredded heart. “You won’t remember this, Tod.” I held his gaze. I wouldn’t let him look away and deny what I was saying, because this was too important. This part meant everything. “You won’t remember that he’s coming for me, but later, when he tells you that I’m gone, you’ll believe him when he says this was my idea, because subconsciously you’ll remember me telling you this. You’ll know this is truly what I wanted, and you’ll help the others understand.”
“No, I won’t.” Tears stood in his eyes, but he blinked them away, clutching my hand. “I can’t help them understand what I don’t understand. Why are you doing this, Kaylee?”
“This is the only way.” I wiped moisture from my own eyes and sniffed back more tears. “We’ve tried everything else, and nothing worked. Maybe we could have actually turned the hellions against one another if we’d had time, but we don’t have time. Avari’s going to kill my dad in a matter of hours, and he’s not going to stop coming after everyone I love until he has me. Or until there’s no possibility of him ever getting me.” I squeezed his hand and refused to let myself tear up again. “This has to stop. I have to make this stop before someone else gets hurt.”
“There has to be another way. You promised me, Kay.” His anguished, accusing gaze ripped through me with every bit as much force and pain as Beck’s dagger had. “You said forever.”
“I know.” I closed my eyes, fighting for composure, then made myself meet his gaze again. “It feels like I’ve done nothing but break promises to you lately, and I’m so sorry about that, but this one can’t be avoided. I’m counting on you, Tod.” Another sniffle, and I blinked back more moisture from my eyes. “My dad and Nash and Em...they’re not going to understand this. I need you to help them. I need you to make them understand that this was my choice, and that I did it to protect them. Don’t let them blame themselves. Make sure they understand that I’m gone and I’m at peace. That the best thing they can possibly do for me is remember me every now and then while they move on with their lives.”
“Every now and then...” Tod shook his head. “I can’t go five minutes without thinking about you, Kaylee. What makes you think that death—even true death—will change that?”
His words sent a selfish bolt of joy through me and I buried it before he saw, but I couldn’t help being relieved by the thought that he would remember me for at least part of forever.
“Besides, your dad’s not even here. What makes you think Avari will just pat him on the head and send him home when he finds out you’re out of reach? He’ll still torture your dad. He doesn’t need a reason. He’ll do it because he’s evil.”
“I’m not going to leave him there. I won’t leave any of them. That part of my plan is still in progress, but I swear I won’t go until my dad, your mom, and Uncle Brendon are back home.” That was the hard part. The part I was still figuring out.
“How? Did you develop some superpower I’m not aware of?” His voice was threaded with anger now, and I was almost relieved by that. Anger was much easier to deal with than pain, though there was still plenty of that, too. “They wouldn’t want you to do this. None of them would.”
“This isn’t about what they want for me. This is about what I want for them. It’s already settled. I just need you to truly understand that this is what I want, so you’ll remember that, even after you’ve forgotten everything I actually said.”
“I won’t forget.” He pulled his hands from mine and stood, feverishly glancing around the room with wide eyes, his forehead furrowed. “I’ll write it down. Where the hell are my pens and paper?”
“You don’t have any.” Which was among the reasons I’d never done homework in his room. “Tod. Please.” I stood and pulled him toward me, and he came reluctantly, the anguished blues in his irises pulsing in time with his heartbeat.
“You can’t expect me to just accept this, Kaylee. You can’t possibly think I’m just going to sit here for the next half hour and wait for Levi to come and steal your soul and take you away from me forever.”
“Fine.” I shrugged, hiding my own heartbreak. “Don’t wait for it. Don’t let it happen. Fight him for me, when he comes.” I pulled him even closer and stood on my toes to whisper into his ear while my arms slid around his neck. “But until then, let’s pretend this is actually going to happen. Let’s pretend that we don’t know how much longer we have until you’ll fall asleep, and let’s pretend I don’t want to spend whatever time we have left like this. In anger and denial. Let’s pretend we have to say goodbye.” My eyes watered, and that time I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. “How do you want to say goodbye, Tod?”
His arms wound around me, and he shook with silent sobs. He buried his face in my hair, and his words came out haltingly, stumbling over tears he was obviously fighting. “We’re not pretending anymore, are we?”
“We never were. We never have, Tod.” My fingers slid into his hair, and I tried to memorize the softness. The curls. “You and I have been real from the start. Don’t ever forget that.”
“I can’t stop you, can I?” His breath was warm on my ear, and his grip almost bruised. “No one ever could stop you once you made up your mind.”
I closed my eyes and inhaled his scent. “I want...” I held him as tight as I could. “We don’t have much time left. I want to be with you. Please. You can’t change any of this, so let’s just...let’s just be together, okay?” My tears fell on his shoulder. “Will you just be with me?”
“You don’t even have to ask....” He pulled far enough away that he could see me, and beneath unshed tears, his irises burst into a tight twist of colors that made my head spin and my heart ache.
We sat on the edge of his bed and he leaned in to kiss me, and I buried myself in the feel and taste of him. I pushed everything else from my mind as silent tears trailed down my cheeks and landed in my hair.
We took our time, lingering in touches and kisses that echoed in my heart and haunted my memory. When all our clothes were gone, and most of our time was gone, and my chest ached so badly I could hardly stand it, I pulled him close and whispered into his ear. “I need you to trust me, even after I’m gone. Even after you’ve forgotten all of this. Do you trust me, Tod?”
“With everything I have and everything I am. With all my soul.”
I lost control of a sob. Just o
ne, and Tod kissed the tears from my cheeks.
“And would you wait for me, if it came to that?” I shouldn’t have said it, but he wouldn’t remember, and I needed to know.
I could handle whatever lay ahead if I had that one answer.
“Until the end of time. Love doesn’t expire, Kaylee. And love never, ever dies.”
With every last beat of my heart and every single bit of my own soul, I hoped that he was right.
* * *
Afterward, Tod and I lay side by side, breathing in sync, his arm wrapped around me while he fought sleep and the oblivion it would bring for him. I never wanted that moment to end, but it was doomed from the very beginning. That was a moment stolen from eternity, and those moments were never meant to last.
When I sat up, his arm retreated slowly, and he exhaled so heavily that I almost changed my mind. I almost took the coward’s way out. But then I remembered that in the end, the easy way would only be harder. For all of us.
I stood and pulled on my clothes, and I could feel him watching me. In the bathroom doorway, I turned to look at him, gripping the doorframe. “I love you.”
He sat up, wearing just his shorts, his feet peeking out beneath the sheet draped over the floor. “I...” He stopped, then started over. “Words don’t do it justice, Kaylee.” But that was okay, because I could see how he felt. He was showing me, in his eyes. In his soul.
“I know. Words were never enough, were they?”
“None of it was enough.” He stood, and a second later I was in his arms, and his hands were in my hair, and he was kissing me, and holding me, and trying to hold on to me, and I knew I should push him away. That I should make a clean break. But I needed to feel him. I needed to kiss him. One last time. “I will never, ever have enough of you, Kaylee.”
Then, slowly he let me go.
That time I didn’t look back, because I knew that if I did, I wouldn’t be able to leave. I closed the bathroom door behind me, and silent tears rolled down my cheeks as I pulled my shoes on. I put my hand flat on the closed door for a moment, wondering if he could feel it from the other side. Then I blinked out of Tod’s room and out of his life.
Soul Screamers Volume Four: With All My SoulFearlessNiederwaldLast Request: 4 Page 29
