“Yeah. Ryder St. John,” he replies with a sure nod. “And you are?”
“I’m Halo.” I smile, but I don’t extend my hand. He’s still a stranger in a hospital.
“Halo. That’s an interesting name.”
“Yeah, I get that a lot.” I give him a quirky grin. Story of my life, people commenting on my name. “It must be tough. I’m sorry you have to go through so much.” It’s awful that he feels so alone, that there are so few options for soldiers injured during active duty. I’ve heard about so many sad cases—about men who returned to their families facing huge roadblocks in a new life.
“Well, I have a final surgery on this leg of mine. Then more skin grafts on my face, then…a long road ahead of me. Physical therapy…” He pauses with a pained look on his face. The hospital attendee returns.
“I better be getting you back to your room, sir.” He steps behind Ryder’s wheelchair and looks down at him.
“Yeah, sure thanks,” he replies with a gruff voice. “Well, it was nice talking to you again, Halo. I’m glad to see you are okay after that fall.” The right side of his mouth turns up slightly.
“Bye, Ryder. You take care.” I smile at him as the aide wheels the chair away.
He looks so lost and alone. I kind of relate. I turn my head toward the nursery. They’re taking Brandon out of the incubator. I ask the nurse with a hand motion if she is bringing him to me and she nods. I watch as they exit the nursery. The nurse places him in my arms again and my heart swells with love as I look down at him.
Oh, Brandon! I don’t want to fail you as a parent. I want to give you everything I can.
The reality is that I have to put him into daycare in only two months. It’s the amount of time I am given for paid maternity leave. I get six weeks of paid leave then I’m using two weeks of sick days. I would love to stay home longer with him, but I need to plan ahead. I have to save for a rainy day.
If Thomas were here he would tell me I worry too much, and to take things one day at a time. But he isn’t here and I have decisions I need to make. Do I take Jenny up on her offer to move in with her? It seems overwhelming. I hate to impose.
It’s hard not to feel helpless as the nurse wheels me back to my room. She places Brandon in the small bassinet and helps me into bed. She tells me I should expect a longer hospital stay because of my ripped stitches. After she leaves I notice the bed on the other side of the double room is now occupied. The new mother is asleep and her baby is fussing loudly. The world feels like it’s closing in on me. I can’t wait to leave.
Chapter Three
May 17, 2000
Halo
Thomas said he would come pick me up later, but I decide to surprise him. I have my driver’s license even though I don’t do much driving since I don’t own a car. My parents usually insist on taking me places.
I quickly slip on a pair of blue jeans and a coral-colored T-shirt. The weather is warming up but the evenings are cool, so I grab my jean jacket on the way out.
My father has a conference in New York City this weekend. I was more than excited when Mom said she would join him. They’ve never left me alone before. I grab the car keys and lock up the house.
Walking down the driveway to my Father’s black Cadillac Escalade, I’m feeling a little antsy. Or maybe just excited. The SUV is big and I hope I don’t put any dents in it. I pull out of the driveway, finding it hard to maneuver down the narrow street.
I know Thomas’s address, but I’ve never been to his house. We’ve been together for sixteen months and I’d like a visual of the place he goes to when we aren’t together. I’m more than curious about where the boy I’ve fallen in love with spends his time. As I pass Sheridan and head over to East Rogers Park, I notice the buildings look older and a little grungier.
I finally pull up to an apartment building that matches the address I saw on Thomas’s license. Parking the Escalade takes all my nerves. I seem to be the chief entertainment for a group of boys with red and black bandanas on their heads hanging out on the sidewalk.
Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. I’m in the parking spot now, though, and I tell myself to be brave and persevere. I grab my little backpack with my cell phone inside and head out of the car toward the front door of the building. As I walk, the boys begin to cheer and whistle. My heart plummets further. Maybe this isn’t a good idea. Thomas may come here every night, but Thomas is big, tall and very strong. I look like a skinny wimp next to him. Ignoring them, I slip quickly into the building’s entrance.
I look around, my hands clutching my backpack tightly. The door I just came through opens behind me, and I swivel quickly, holding my breath. It’s a short older woman clutching onto her purse like me. She smiles at me and uses her key to open the entryway’s inner door. She turns to hold the door for me and I follow her in. I guess I don’t look like much of a threat. The older lady goes to open her mailbox and I wait for the elevator.
The elevator is old, and the stench of smelly socks permeates the small, enclosed space. The elevator jerks to a stop and I step off. The hallway smells like cooking food and smelly socks.
I’m not sure which environment is worse. I stroll down the hallway along the old rubbed-out burgundy carpets while I keep my eyes on the numbers on the doors, looking for number 806. I knock lightly on the door. The Beastie Boys are blaring in the background and the raspy voice of an older man sounds loudly through what must be very thin wood.
Thomas hollers, “I’ll get it it’s probably one of your whores anyway.” My jaw drops. I want to turn and run away. The door flies open. Thomas’s blue eyes go round when he takes me in. “Ah, Halo, what are you doing here? I thought we said I would come get you,” he says, running his hand through his dark brown hair. His eyes look unfocused.
“I thought I would surprise you. I’m now thinking this is a bad idea,” I respond as my heart sinks in my chest. I bite my lip, unsure what to do next.
An old raspy voice hollers, “Well send her in.” My blood turns cold...
“It’s not for you,” Thomas turns his head and yells back. Then he looks at me and rolls his eyes while smiling nervously. He’s clearly trying to cover for his father’s revolting words.
“What do you mean, asshole? No one would come here for a piece of shit like you.” His father sounds irritated as his voice grows louder and becomes clearer. I sense he’s headed this way. This is bad!
I feel a light breeze as the apartment door behind me whips open and I startle.
“Thomas what’s going on out here?” A middle-aged woman with blond hair stands in the doorway, her hands on her hips.
“Sorry, Miss Randall.” Thomas lowers his head. The woman’s tough stance slackens as she takes in the scene and her eyes turn soft.
“Thomas, you go get this nice girl home and fast,” she orders with a calm voice while looking at Thomas sympathetically. A young man walks up to the door in her apartment. He has Down Syndrome. He looks like he must be our age with dark blond hair and brown eyes. His brows are drawn together as he looks to his mother for answers.
“Is everything okay, Mama?” he asks.
“Yes, you go back in and finish your work,” she says patiently to the boy. Then she turns her attention back to Thomas. “Thomas just needs to take his friend home,” she explains and he shrugs, turning away from the door.
A man who looks about twenty years older than Thomas approaches the front door. He’s the same height as Thomas, only he has bad posture and brown eyes. He must be drunk by the way he’s swaying.
“What did you say, you dumbfuck?” He whacks Thomas across the head with a heavy hand. I wince. The man turns his attention to me. A lazy smile spreads slowly across his lips as he leans on the doorframe. He smells like he hasn’t showered in a while. I take a step back.
“Thomas,” Miss Randall cuts in. “Now.”
Thomas looks frozen in his spot.
“Well, well, well, what do we have here? A young little whore. Do y
ou want to get up in my bits?” he asks and I take another step back, cringing. Thomas’s face contorts and it’s as if he snaps out of whatever was distracting him a moment ago. My chest constricts as I begin to get a clearer picture of the type of life he leads.
“Halo, please go. I’m sorry. I’d walk you to your car, but—” He looks at his father and then at me. “Wait. How did you get here?” he asks quietly with confusion in his tone.
“My father’s car,” I reply anxiously. This was a mistake. I need to get out of here.
“Thomas, take the girl yourself and make sure she gets to her car okay,” Miss Randall orders with a motherly tone. Thomas’s gaze bounces from Miss Randall to me and then to his father. His eyes look distant and confused.
“I’m going,” Thomas says, looking at his father. It’s a statement not a question. I’m guessing he’s never defied his father before.
“Going? Going where the fuck do you think you’re going? She’s a stupid whore. You don’t go following after stupid whores.” He punches the door without flinching. “Go fuck yourself, Miss Randall. You probably need a good fuck, anyway.” He waves a hand toward the poor sweet woman.
“Would you shut up?” Thomas snaps.
Miss Randall retreats into her apartment.
His father’s eyes roll and he straightens his shoulders. “You stupid fuck,” he mutters.
Thomas steps out of the apartment quickly, forgetting to put on a pair of shoes. He takes me by the arm, guiding me back toward the elevator. My pulse is frantic.
“I need to get you back to your car. I need you to lock your doors once you’re in there. Drive home and forget about me,” he says as if he’s giving me the weather report in Canada.
“What?” I ask, completely stunned. He isn’t being rough but he needs me gone. I understand he’s trying to protect me, but… The elevator descends while his jaw is ticking nervously and he presses the elevator buttons as if he’s trying to make it go faster. We arrive on the main level and he takes my hand, pulling me forward.
“Thomas, I…”
“Halo, please. I don’t need your sympathy.” He continues to guide me by the arm like I’m an errant child, pulling me toward my car.
“Thomas, you’re barefoot,” I say looking at his feet. I don’t know what else to say. We get to the car. I notice some key scratches along the side. My father is going to kill me.
Thomas opens the door for me and I step inside. Leaning into the door, he says, “I’m sorry, Halo. I never meant for you to see this part of my life. I don’t know who I was kidding by dating you.” He shakes his head. “I was clearly kidding myself. Go home and wipe your mind clean where I’m concerned.” His eyes look like they’re welling with tears that may never be shed.
“Thomas, don’t be ridiculous. I don’t care about your father. You’re clearly different. Don’t let that man define you.” I say the words assertively but it doesn’t matter. He bows his head and begins to shake it from side to side. I wonder if he’s heard me at all or if he’s intentionally blocking out my words.
“Halo, please go,” he pleads and it’s almost a whisper. He won’t even look me in the eye. He pulls away, hits the power locks, closes the door. I watch in the rear-view mirror as he runs back inside with his head still bowed.
Chapter Four
January 21, 2008
Halo
I’m making slow progress. Nurse Judy comes by often to help me get out of bed, because if I don’t start moving around, I’ll be in trouble when I go home alone. The doctor says my new stitches are healing nicely. Brandon’s breathing is clear and his jaundice is all better too, which means we may be leaving the hospital soon.
I’ve had enough of this place. My roommate just got released to go home with her husband and baby. I have to admit how incredibly jealous I feel that they got to go home as a family.
I find myself staring at the door to my room, hoping that Thomas will surprise us.
I had done the same thing at home—waiting endless lonely nights hoping that Thomas would walk through the door at the moment I needed him most. He always told me I was his saving grace. I need him to be mine now.
“Brandon, how about we go visit a friend?” I coo at him even though he’s fast asleep. I watch his little exhales and inhales. He’s so sweet. I press the call button for the nurse’s station. It’s five p.m. and Nurse Judy is on duty. I don’t know how I would have made it through all this without her.
“Yes, dear,” her sweet voice comes through the speaker.
“I’m sorry to bother you, but I thought Brandon and I could go visit Ryder. He mentioned he’s having a surgery today. I don’t think he has any relatives…” I wonder if Nurse Judy will think I’m crazy. But Ryder is a wounded soldier who deserves honor and respect and I would like to at least offer him some comfort if he’s in pain.
Apparently Judy doesn’t think my request is a bad idea and soon she’s wheeling me down the hall. It’s too far to walk in my state. I hold Brandon in my arms as we make our way to the wing of the hospital where Ryder is staying. I hope he doesn’t think I’m a stalker.
She wheels me into his room and gives me a knowing wink. “Just buzz me when you want a ride back,” she says. I think she thinks I like Ryder, but it’s not like that at all.
He’s lying in bed. His face is fully bandaged now. The white gauze is wrapped around his head, covering most of his face. There is an opening for his eyes, which are blue and bloodshot. There is an opening for his nose and mouth. Poor guy. I wonder how he will look when the bandages are off. The cast is off his leg and he’s now wearing a brace. His stare is blank.
He turns his head slightly to acknowledge us. “Hello,” he says with a tired, raspy voice.
“Hi! Hope it’s okay we came to check on you. You know…after your surgery.”
“Thank you. I feel like I should be the one checking on you after your nasty fall.” His voice is gruff. He must still be woozy from surgery.
“I’m okay.”
“You should be more careful. You have a baby to take care of.”
“You’re right. It was stupid of me. This is all new to me, being a mother. I wanted to see Brandon so badly I wasn’t thinking.”
“It means you’re a good mother. That’s nice.”
“So how did it go? You don’t have the cast anymore,” I say, looking down at his leg.
“Getting rid of the cast is a relief. At least now I can scratch my itches. I’ll have the brace on for a good month. I’m told it went well. My skin should heal. I may have a few slight scars along my cheeks. During my last surgery my nose was reset and my cheekbones were restructured.” He chuckles softly. “I really don’t remember what I’m supposed to look like, so the change in my appearance won’t make a difference. Now my left knee has some screws in it and I’ll probably have a slight limp the rest of my life,” he explains matter-of-factly. “Guess I fared well considering men died in the ambush. I wish I could remember them. Their names… something, my mind is blank. Makes me feel like shit. I’m sorry… I’m probably talking about myself a little too much here. You have a little baby. You don’t need to hear my problems.”
“Actually I’m happy to listen. I really don’t mind. I’m glad your surgeries went well.”
“How about you, Halo? Where is the boy’s father?”
His question makes me feel like I’ve been slapped, but I know I need to start getting used to answering it. “His father is a SEAL,” I tell him.
“And where is he?” Ryder asks. With his face all bandaged up it’s hard for me to gage what he’s thinking.
“He’s on active duty. I don’t know where he is. We aren’t married anymore,” I admit. It’s always hard to say those words out loud. The reality of them hurts.
“Oh! Must be tough,” he mutters. “I mean, being on your own.” He lifts his hand to his face. “Shit! This itching is going to drive me nuts.”
“Oh no! You’re itchy under the gauze?” I ask, feelin
g sorry for him.
“Yeah. I was told not to touch my face at all, but these damn bandages are itchy.”
“How much longer do you have to be in here?” I ask, trying to take his mind off his present state.
“I leave tomorrow. I’ll have to go to the VA Hospital.”
“So you think you’ll have to stay there for a while?” I ask. I know I’m prying. This man is a stranger. He doesn’t have a family. He doesn’t know who he is. I feel bad for him. I know what it’s like to have no one to rely on.
There’s a light knock on the door and I turn my head.
“Uh, Halo… Hi.” Jenny appears in the doorway. I know she’s wondering what Brandon and I are doing in this wing of the hospital visiting a complete stranger.
“Hey, Jenny, come in,” I say, motioning to her. “This is Ryder.”
She walks into the room hesitantly, giving me a sideways look.
“Hi, Jenny. Nice to meet you,” Ryder responds with a low, deep voice.
She nods at Ryder and then looks at me. “So I just spoke to your nurse—she told me where you were. There’s a good chance you guys will be released tomorrow. I can drop by after work and take you home. Dave installed the base for the infant car seat in my car, and we’re all ready to have you stay with us.”
I feel kind of embarrassed discussing this in front of a stranger, but Jenny doesn’t leave me a lot of choice. “I was thinking Brandon and I would go home,” I tell her. “I’ve had extra time in the hospital. I’ve been walking around a bit. I can set things up for us on the main floor so I don’t have to do the stairs too often at the beginning. I think we’ll manage.” I smile hesitantly because I know Jenny isn’t going to take this well.
“Let’s go back to your room, please,” she snaps. Yup, I was right.
“Jenny, I love you. And I appreciate everything…” I pause and my gaze focuses on Ryder’s bandaged face. Suddenly an idea hits me. “I think I have a solution,” I announce as a light bulbs continue to turn on in my head.
“What?” Jenny asks, crossing her arms over her chest, her eyes wide.
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