Halo

by R. C. Stephens

  Dave pulls up in his SUV and comes running around the front to help Brandon and me. The patient transporter watches as Dave places Brandon in the car seat. Ryder sits in the passenger seat.

  “Thanks, Dave.”

  “Please stop thanking me.” He smiles. As the SUV pulls out into traffic, the car is silent and it’s a little uncomfortable, but maybe it’s me. I sit in the backseat with Brandon while Ryder sits up front.

  Dave glances at me in the rear-view mirror. “So we stopped by your place last night and set up the crib. The bassinet is on the main level. Jenny thought it would be more convenient there. We also put the playpen on the main floor and there’s a baby bath in your bathroom. Jenny said she’ll make a pit stop at your house after work today before picking up the kids… Oh yeah, she also stocked your fridge.” Dave chuckles. “I hope I delivered the message in its entirety. She made me memorize it this morning.”

  I smile back at him knowingly. “Thanks so much, Dave. You guys have already given me so much. I don’t know how I can ever repay you. Jenny is busy—she doesn’t have to stop by. I’ll manage on my own.” I’m so grateful that I have such a special friend.

  “If you need any help, you can just holler for me.” Ryder turns his head and looks at me. Dave flashes me a warning glance in the mirror.

  “Thanks, Ryder. You might be even more challenged than I am with the baby care, though.” I appreciate his offer. But I’m not sure what an ex-SEAL would know about a newborn child.

  “Yeah, okay, sure. I figured you were new at this too. You seem good at it. I get you’re an independent woman.” He smiles at me. Is he just goading me? Is he flirting?

  I don’t respond. Dave is glaring at me in the rear-view mirror again. Should I be nervous about Ryder St. John? I don’t know.

  His appearance intrigues me. I don’t know what’s waiting under those bandages but just looking at his body I can tell he’s definitely sexy in a rugged kind of way. I know I shouldn’t be thinking about him in that way at all, though.

  I guess it should be a kind of relief that I can even acknowledge I might find a guy attractive. I know I will eventually start dating again, but it’s hard to imagine. Divorce papers sure made things with Thomas final, but still, it’s hard to think about loving someone else. And now I have Brandon to think about. I pull my gaze from the window to watch Brandon sleeping content in his car seat. I love watching him. His tiny lips, his little button nose.

  We arrive at the house and Dave helps us inside. He kicks off his boots and so I guess he’s staying. He watches Ryder carefully as we head through the main hall of the house toward a door leading to a garage apartment. Thomas and Dave transformed our garage and Dave’s garage into an apartment a number of years ago so the men would have space to hang out and drink beer on the occasional weekend. Our apartment had been barely used since Thomas was on deployment. Now it was going to be used for rental income.

  I show Ryder the features of the apartment. The floors, bathroom and kitchen all look new and modern, but the furniture is super old. Then again everything in the house is old. Everything belonged to my parents. Thomas and I continued to live in the house after my parents died but we never changed anything. I felt like their belongings were my last connection to them.

  The house was beautiful, but some things have aged and definitely require some updating. If Thomas and I had stayed together I would have wanted him to fix things up for Brandon’s arrival.

  “I hope you like the place,” I say, fidgeting a bit as I stand in the middle of the apartment looking at Ryder. Dave is quiet, standing beside me and holding Brandon in his seat.

  Ryder shrugs. “I don’t really know what I like. It has a bed, a couch, a TV and a kitchen. I’m assuming I should be good here. It’s weird how I know certain things and not others.” He shakes his head. Again my heart aches for him. He must feel so alone.

  “Okay then,” Dave says. “How about you and Brandon head in the house to get settled.” I can tell he’s still worried, but I’ve made the decision to rent to Ryder at least for a little while. And I’ll have to stick with my decision.

  Leaving Ryder to continue exploring the apartment, I slowly walk back through the door and into the house. Dave still looks wary, so I reassure him again as he hands Brandon to me. “Don’t worry,” I say. “We’ll be fine. Thank you for picking us up.”

  “No problem. Ring if you need anything.” He leaves out the front door and the house is suddenly quiet. I smile down at Brandon as I take off my coat and boots. He’s here. He’s finally home. I definitely pictured this day differently in my mind. I had hoped Thomas would be here, of course. A lone tear falls down my cheek. Brandon is slowly waking up and he moves his arms under the blankets. I extract him from the blankets and the carrier and carry him over to the living room.

  Jenny really did think of everything. The playpen is set up with a changing table stacked on top of it. The pockets are stuffed with diapers and wipes and other essentials. I change Brandon’s diaper quickly. It comes easily because I was around after all three of Jenny’s deliveries and after. When I’m done changing Brandon, there is a light knock on the front door. I look through the peephole. It’s my neighbor Maggie.

  When I open the door, Maggie is practically bouncing and Charlie barks, wagging her tail.

  “Charlie,” I call out, patting her head. “I missed you, girl.”

  “Let me see this baby of yours, Halo.” Maggie says, extending her arms. “I still can’t believe you took a cab to the hospital while you were in labor. You should have called me, girl. That ain’t cool.” I hand her Brandon and she smiles down at him. “What a handsome fella. You look exactly like your—”

  “Maggie, he looks like me,” I interrupt. We walk into the living room and take a seat on the couch. Charlie sniffs at the new items in the room calmly and then plops down on the floor by my feet. I’m lucky she’s so well behaved and friendly. My instincts tell me she won’t have any trouble adjusting to life with Brandon.

  Maggie draws her brows together and looks at me like I’ve lost it. “Yeah, Halo, of course he totally looks like you.” Maggie and her family have been living next door for the last five years. They’ve been great neighbors and I’ve enjoyed getting to know her two boys.

  There’s another light knock on the door. Ryder’s voice calls out a low, “Hello?”

  “Come in,” I call. The door opens a bit and my belly hurts as I stand. “Hi, Ryder.” I motion for him to come inside. He limps into the house and I wonder what Maggie will think of him being my tenant. Will she be the next friend to think I’ve lost it? Or will she see it for what it is—me helping out a wounded lost soldier.

  “Hey,” Ryder says. “I was going go to the supermarket. Wanted to see if you needed anything. Diapers or baby supplies or something?” His mouth tugs up on one corner. Out of the corner of my eye I notice Maggie ogling. I’m not sure what she’s thinking. Ryder looks like a muscular mummy. I inwardly chuckle even though I do feel bad for him.

  “That’s nice of you to offer, Ryder. It seems as though Jenny has thought of everything.” I gesture toward the well-stocked changing area and smile.

  “Jenny is a good friend.” He nods.

  “Yes.” I notice Ryder is looking at Maggie. “Oh,” I say, “where are my manners? Ryder, this is my neighbor Maggie. She and her husband Joshua live next door with their two boys. Maggie, this is Ryder. He’s renting my garage apartment.”

  Ryder takes another step into the house. “Nice to meet you ma’am,” he says politely.

  Maggie is still holding on to Brandon so she doesn’t have a free hand. Her jaw drops a little and she looks between Ryder and me. “Nice to meet you, Ryder,” she says with a wide grin. I think it’s a good sign she's not alarmed by the news.

  “Well, I better be going.” I can tell by the low tone of his voice how unsure he feels. Poor guy!

  “You can’t walk, Ryder. Your leg…the bandages… It’s not that close.” It�
�s the end of January in Chicago. The streets are slushy. It’s cold outside.

  “I’m alright,” he responds with a nod. “I was going to take a cab.”

  I nod. “That sounds like a good idea.” I wish I could see his whole face. He’s so quiet and I’d love to be able to read his facial expressions. His head is slightly lowered and his shoulders hunched.

  “Maybe when you’re feeling better you can borrow my hus—my, um, ex-husband’s truck. I never use it and it would be fine if you needed it to get around.” I’m not sure if his injuries or his bandages might hinder his ability to drive.

  “That’s a kind offer.” He winces and I begin to wonder if he needs more help than I can offer. “I’d better get outside to meet the cab.”

  “It was nice meeting you, Maggie.” He smiles.

  “Nice to meet you too,” she says.

  He nods to me. “Halo.” He leaves and closes the door.

  “Halo, what is going on?” Maggie squeaks.

  “He’s got amnesia. He’s a wounded soldier,” I say.

  “Holy shit, Halo! Where did you find him?”

  “Would you be quiet?” I wave at her. “He probably heard you.” I grin to show her I’m not mad, just embarrassed.

  “Come on, Halo. That man is smoking hot. You see that, don’t you?” She scrunches her brows together. “And this broken soldier thing he has going on…mmm…girlfriend.” She shakes her shoulders.

  I roll my eyes at her playfully. “Honestly, Maggie, he’s just a guy I met at the hospital. He’s a wounded vet. He’s been medically discharged. He has no family…”

  “Yes, Halo, I know you like to pick up the strays.” She gives me a knowing look and stares down at Charlie. Thomas had found Charlie in a storm three years back. It had been spring, and on a cool, windy night Thomas had found her limping down the street. Thomas brought her into the house and we’d discovered a small stick that had been lodged in her paw. We’d put up signs, but no one ever claimed her. I’d been so grateful for her after Thomas had left. I swear she sympathized with every word and tear.

  “It’s not like that, Maggie.”

  “No! So what’s it like?”

  “I uh….” My shoulders deflate. “I don’t know. He was easy to talk to and he didn’t have anywhere to go. I need the money from the rent. It just makes sense.” I settle against the back of the couch.

  “Okay, if you say so.” She looks down at Brandon. “He’s sleeping. I’ll put him in the playpen. You should try to get some rest.” She has a sympathetic look in her eyes. I hate that my friends and neighbors see me as the abandoned woman. I just hate it. I wonder if it will ever end. I know a fresh start would probably be good for Brandon and me, but all my memories of my parents and Thomas are here.

  This is the place where Thomas and I were building a life. I can’t give it up, not yet at least. You’re my halo. I will always find my way back to you. Those words… His voice is still so clear in my mind. The truth is, I’m scared if we move he won’t find his way back to us.

  “Do you think I’m crazy renting Ryder the space?” I ask Maggie.

  “You’re a kind woman, Halo. You’re a dedicated teacher and a great friend. I’m not surprised you are trying to help Ryder. If you’re asking me if he looks dangerous? I don’t think so. He does look lost. It’s nice that you are helping him out.”

  I sigh. “He didn’t have anyone come to visit him the whole time he was in the hospital. Four months, Maggie, and not one visitor.”

  “That is sad,” Maggie confirms.

  “I know. Right?”

  “Yeah.” She gives my shoulder a squeeze. “Just keep your eyes open and be aware. If something seems off let me know right away. We’ll be right over. I’m serious.”

  “Thanks, Maggie. And thanks for taking care of Charlie.”

  “Sure thing. My boys adore her. Now they’re bugging Joshua and me for a dog. I don’t know. We’ll see.” She gives me a gentle hug then she turns to leave.

  “Bye, Maggie.”

  “Take care, Halo. If you need something or have any questions please call, no more proud bullshit,” she says as she makes her way out the door.

  With Brandon fast asleep I stroll into the kitchen and open the fridge to see what Jenny has stocked. About twenty minutes later I have food ready and sitting on the stove. Brandon begins to stir, making that cute newborn baby cry. I make my way over to him.

  This is totally fine. I can handle this on my own. I pick up Brandon slowly and sit back on the couch to breastfeed him. He latches on and I sit and watch him feed. My stomach is sore, my nipples are sore. I was probably on my feet for too long preparing the food. I’ll take some Tylenol once he’s finished eating.

  I suddenly feel super sleepy from all the exertion of coming home. The thought of sitting for another meal alone depresses me. Brandon eats and falls back asleep. I slowly place him back in the bassinet attached to the playpen. The house is eerily quiet. I walk into the kitchen to fill Charlie’s bowl with food and water.

  “How are you doing, Charlie? I’m sorry I had to leave you on such short notice. Did you see Brandon? He’s absolutely perfect isn’t he?” As I talk to Charlie, she tilts her head to the side looking at me. I pat her on the head and find myself looking over at the door leading to the garage. Ryder is probably home by now. I wonder if he managed the grocery store okay. And I realize he’s probably eating alone too.

  Would he want to join me? I ignore the warning voices of Dave and Jenny in my head and slowly get up and walk to the door that connects the garage to the house. I knock lightly and wait.

  “Just a sec,” I hear Ryder holler.

  He opens the door a moment later wearing the same blue jeans as earlier, but he’s shirtless. Holy hell, he has an eight pack. His chest is smooth. He has a tattoo on his shoulder. It’s a Navy Trident. I know it well. My heart stammers as I look at him.

  Thomas never got any tattoos. He wasn’t very hairy, but he had some chest hair that led to a happy trail… My eyes drift lower. Ryder is smooth there too. I suppress the urge to run my hand over his skin, soothe his scars…

  The navy really produces some incredible male bodies.

  Don’t think that, Halo. You just miss your husband, your love. I close my mouth abruptly, realizing it’s hanging open. Get a grip Halo.

  I realize he has a shirt in his hand. He puts it on quickly, ending my show. He stands there with an expectant look, probably wondering why I’m standing in his doorway.

  “I made some chicken stir-fry and rice. I was wondering if you wanted to join me for dinner. I thought maybe you weren’t completely settled in and that you were probably hungry.” I finally stop babbling long enough to hear his answer.

  “Thanks, Halo. That would be great.” He gestures at the door. “Ladies first.”

  We walk back into the house together and down the hallway past the living room. “How’s the little guy doing?” Ryder asks tipping his chin toward a sleeping Brandon.

  “He’s great. He does regular baby stuff like eating and sleeping. Nothing eventful has happened yet.” He walks over to the playpen and gazes down at Brandon with warm blue eyes. He smiles and looks around the room. His gaze lingers on the mantel over the fireplace.

  I still have my trophies there. I don’t know why—I should move them and redecorate. I haven’t done much with this house since my parents died. I clearly have issues with hanging on to the past.

  “What are the trophies for?” Ryder asks, walking over to take a look. He lifts one and reads what’s written on the plaque. “Water Polo Competition, Halo Pearson first place.” He glances over at me. “Impressive. Do you still play?”

  I laugh. “No, haven’t played for years.” A familiar ache rises in my chest.

  I walk into the kitchen to get an extra setting for dinner. He follows me.

  “Wow! Looks great. I’m not sure the last time I had a home-cooked meal.” Ryder rubs his hands together and takes a seat across from me at the t
able. My heart clenches as I realize he’s sitting in Thomas’s seat.

  I will never eat across from Thomas again. My son will never look into Thomas’s blue eyes and see where his came from. I swipe at my eyes quickly, hoping Ryder won’t notice my tears. I read about hormones in my pregnancy book and I’ve heard about them from Jenny and the nurses at the hospital. I know things can get pretty wonky after delivery. This must be what they were talking about.

  I pass Ryder the stir-fry and then place some rice on my plate. Then we do a switch. “Are you okay, Halo?” he asks with that low, deep voice. I put my fork down because I feel too upset to eat and suddenly I begin to sob.

  “I’m so sorry. This is so embarrassing.” I rub at my eyes, willing myself to get my shit together.

  “Hey! You don’t need to apologize. I know we don’t really know each other, but I think I may be a good listener. Do you want to tell me what’s on your mind?” He sets down his fork too.

  “I’m sorry. You must be hungry. You should eat,” I urge. My voice cracks and I can’t seem to stop my damn tears. “You didn’t realize this, but you decided to come home with a post-partum crazy woman.” I smile through my tears.

  My face must look red and blotchy. This is so not like me, breaking down like this in front of a stranger. Charlie walks into the kitchen and rubs her head against my leg. I pat her head and she plops down beside me. I’m convinced that this dog is somehow very in tune to my every emotion.

  “She’s beautiful. What kind of dog is she?” Ryder asks, looking down at Charlie.

  “She’s a Golden Retriever. She’s very clever.” I wipe my nose with a napkin.

  “How old is she?” Ryder asks. I get the feeling he’s trying to distract me from whatever’s making me sad. He doesn’t realize that answering the question will just trigger more sadness.

  “I don’t know. She was a stray and my husband—I mean ex-husband—found her. She was hurt, cold and alone in a storm. We brought her in and she’s been by my side ever since,” I explain and more tears begin to fall.