by Eric Vall
“Not a chance,” Eclipse chuckled, “I’ve only been one of Jacob’s Demon Lords for a few months, but I can already tell you, once he sets his mind to something, nothing will keep him from doing it.”
“I see.” Blagdan nodded grimly. “Then, if you believe this scouting endeavor was sufficient, we should head back to HQ. I hate being out on the streets like this, even if it’s not during Tenebris’ regularly-scheduled hours.”
The Shadow Person looked around frantically before he zipped past our position and floated back out into the town square.
The rest of the team dashed off after him at the pace of a brisk power walk. We didn’t want to draw any more attention to us than we already were, but we also wanted to get back to the base as quickly as possible.
Then it hit me.
A strange scent of oily fish, mixed with some savory spices and dry herbs to create a brilliant aromatic spectacle. The smell was so fucking good, I immediately stopped in my tracks, and my stomach let out a deep growl.
Suddenly, Todd’s tiny mitts clapped against the side of my cheeks and turned me to face his wide, beady eyes. Drool was sliding out of the imp’s mouth seemingly by the gallon, and his lips were twisted into a toothy grin.
“Ya smell that, Jakey?” Todd questioned.
Before I could answer, the imp used his hands to shake my head up and down as if I were agreeing with him.
“Y-y-yes, T-t-t-todd!” I agreed, and then he stopped. “Whatever that is, it’s making my stomach gurgle like lava.”
“That does smell amazing,” Eclipse added, “much better than the feasts of Vargrat my sisters and I are used to eating. Except for the dishes Gula makes. Those ones are out of this world.”
“Everything Sister Gula touches becomes pure ecstasy in your mouth,” Ira moaned before she took a deep whiff of the air. “But this stuff? I want to rub whatever it is all over my naked body and then go stand in a cage full of hungry wolverines.”
Blagdan cocked his head curiously as he looked at Ira, but he said nothing.
“She’s into satanism,” Todd whispered to the Shadow Person loudly. “The reeaaaal kinky stuff.”
“I wasn’t aware worshiping Lucifer involved such strange rituals,” Blagdan mused.
“Sadism, bro,” I corrected the imp. “Not satanism.”
“Oh, no!” the imp said through an over dramatic gasp. “She’s depressed? No wonder she likes being tortured all the time! Do you need some therapy, Crazy Eyes? You’re always welcomed on Uncle Toddster’s couch. Just not on Saturdays. That’s when I use it as a casting couch for Todd Thumping Thots.”
“Seriously?” Tris gasped. “I sleep on that thing, dude!”
“What?” The imp just giggled. “I clean it once a week.”
“Once a week?” the Sister of Sloth said as she stamped her foot.
“Well, yeah.” Todd shrugged. “If you clean it any more frequently than that, you’ll remove that vintage leather shine. And you can’t have a casting couch video with a dull couch, Slothy.”
“I thought you were only into Earth girls, bro?” I raised an eyebrow at the imp. “Who exactly are you getting for your videos?”
“I might only be into human chicks, bro,” Todd explained, “but there’s a whole untapped market out there for videos with real-life demon chicks. I usually just put out some help wanted ads, set up the camera, and then walk away while they all do their business. I haven’t watched any of the things yet, but they’re a huuuuuge hit back on Earth Realm. We’ve sold like, thousands of copies in the last month. And, if my sources are correct … I think we’ve even broken into the Heaven market.”
“How are you paying these demons?” I said as I tried to keep my jaw off the floor.
“Didn’t you hear me, Jakey?” Todd sighed. “The videos pay for themselves!”
“But, like, what do you tell them you’ll give them in exchange?” Deja tried to clarify.
“I dunno,” the imp shrugged, “I always tell ‘em to go talk to Strawberry Shortcake, but that she won’t be in until the twenty-ninth of February. That way, we’ve got three whole years until they show up for their payment!”
“Todd … ” I facepalmed, “this year is a leap year. That’s only a few months away.”
The smile faded off the imp’s face as he pondered my words. Then his lips pursed into a cringe as he began to shake his head back and forth.
“Strawberry Shortcake’s not gonna be too happy I offered ‘em a million a pop, is she?” the imp whistled. “Oh, well, like everything in the Toddster’s life, I’ll put off thinking about those consequences until their right up in my face.”
“That’s not exactly a good idea--” I warned, but the imp cut me off with a wave of his hand.
“Not until those consequences are so far up in my face that I can’t inhale without smelling their snatch, bro,” the imp repeated. “Now, who wants to get some grub? The Toddster is famished.”
“Well, I was hungry,” Inpulsa grumbled, “emphasis on the ‘was.’”
“You’ll be fine, Pikachu,” the imp scoffed. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna find out what that delicious smell is.”
Before anyone could stop him, Todd disappeared into a blur of red and headed straight back toward one of the vendors we’d passed. He came to a halt right in front of the Shadow Person and his wares, took another deep breath, and then gestured for us to come over to his position.
The succubi, Blagdan, and I all sauntered up to the vendor as the incredible smell grew even stronger. Finally, once we were in place, I could see the dish in question.
The Shadow Person had four large spits that rotated over a fire of black and red flames. On the skewers were three fish each, each one about as long as a trout, but with the girth of a catfish. They had long, curved mouths that traveled nearly a quarter of the way down the side of their now-charred white bodies, which themselves flowed down into a sharp point at the end. A barbed tail with four jagged spikes hung lifelessly off to the side of the skewer.
Most curious of all, however, were the fishes’ eyes.
Or, rather, their lack of eyes.
The fish on the skewer just had deep, golf ball-sized sockets where the creatures of our world would have had eyes.
Even if I didn’t have a fucking clue what this was, it smelled like Heaven in the Shadow World, and I needed some of this.
“How much?” I questioned the vendor.
He stared back at me with his bright red eyes for a moment, but then he bowed his head softly.
“Huuuuumaaaaaan in the Shadow Worrrrrlllld?” he mused. “Annnndd you wisssssh to dine onnnn our cuisssinnnnnee?”
“He’s with me, Dade,” Blagdan explained as he moved to the front of the group, “no need to keep up the facade.”
“Oh,” the chef, Dade, chuckled, “well, in that case, how many can I do ya for, Blagdan?”
I stood there and watched in disbelief as Blagdan ordered a fish for each of us as nonchalantly as you’d order a taco from a food truck.
These creatures may have looked horrific and acted eerily, but they were no different than anyone else I’d known on Earth Realm or in Hell.
After the order was placed, Dade held out a pointed finger, ran it across the skewer horizontally, and then swiped the fish off into a small, shadowy plate. Once he had all eight of the fish placed, he turned around, picked up a wooden spoon, and then began to scoop chunks of some sort of vegetable onto each plate. Finally, he held out the plates one-by-one to each of us, gave Blagdan a farewell wave, and then began to skewer even more fish onto his hearth.
“What was that about?” I asked as I tried to ignore the delicious aroma assaulting my nose.
“Dade is sympathetic to the Shining Alliance,” Blagdan explained. “Of course, for the sake of his business, he has to pretend he’s not, but he’s a good ally to have nonetheless.”
“I was more talking about the weird way of talking he was doing,” I clarified. “Why do some of y
ou talk like that, but the rest don’t? And you can turn it on and off at will?”
“You mean tallllkinng like thisssss?” Blagdan hissed in a somewhat mocking tone. “That’s just our way of seeming intimidating to humans. When we phase over into your world, we have to be careful. We’re out of our element, and as you have seen, we are not impervious to injury at the hands of an Earth Realm dweller. So, we put on the scary voice to try and frighten them.”
“Well, it sure as fuck works.” I shook my head in disbelief. “I was scared shitless of you guys the first time I accidentally landed here.”
“So scared we didn’t even bring it up for like, twelve more adventures,” Todd interjected.
“I don’t think it’s intimidating,” Vidia sighed, “I think it makes you all seem even more badass than you already are.”
“If this meal tastes as good as it smells, then you Caliginis are one-hundred percent badass in my book,” Deja giggled. “What exactly is it, anyway?”
“You are looking at Darkfisk and mushrooms,” Blagdan explained, “a dish of the common folk of Umbra, mostly because they’re the only things that occur naturally around these parts.”
“The blind, mutated fish I get … but the mushrooms?” Eclipse questioned. “Aren’t those an Earth Realm food?”
“They are,” Blagdan explained, “but, unlike so many other crops the Caliginis have tried to bring in from Earth Realm over the years, those don’t require sunlight. Which means they’re one of the few delicacies that can be grown here in Umbra. And when I mean delicacy … just try one, and you’ll see what I’m talking about.”
We continued walking through the town until we found a small wall of black stone and wood that stood about four feet off the ground. A perfect height for sitting and enjoying our meal.
So, the eight of us plopped down on the makeshift bench, and then we began to scarf down our food.
“Ehhhh, I dunno about this,” Todd said as he inspected a chunk of the mushroom, “can I eat this without saying ‘no homo?’ Mushrooms look way too much like an ‘ol helmet head to me.”
“They’re chopped up, bro,” I reminded the imp, “right now they just kinda look like burnt, rubbery chunks.”
“And they thrive in the darkness,” Vidia added as she raised a piece to her lips. “Just like me. You can’t go wrong with something like that.”
The Sister of Envy placed her lips on each side of the mushroom, inhaled, and slurped it down in one quick motion. She let the flavor simmer in her throat for a minute, but then she smiled intensely as her eyes rolled back in her head.
“That good?” I asked.
Invidia picked the rest of the mushrooms up in a single handful, tossed them into her mouth, and made a subtle moaning noise as she chewed them up.
“I’d say that’s a ‘yes,’” Ira whispered from beside me, “I’d know those muffled moans of pleasure anywhere.”
Inpulsa tasted a couple of the morsels, nodded, and made a “not bad” face. Meanwhile, Eclipse and Deja had already both completely devoured their side dish.
Well, shit, now I had to try these.
I picked up the piece of mushroom with my thumb and index finger and instantly realized they weren’t the same as the ones we had on Earth Realm. They might have appeared rubbery and slimy, but they were actually quite firm to the touch. The mushrooms were warm and slick with what I could only assume was lard of some sort, and I could already feel my mouth watering as I raised the morsel up to devour it.
The second I popped the mushroom into my mouth, my taste buds were hit with a wave of earthy delicacy. As I chewed the flavorful mouthful, I felt the mushroom nearly melting in my mouth like butter. I swallowed them down with a firm gulp, licked my lips, and then went back for more.
Blagdan wasn’t kidding when he said this stuff was gourmet.
I destroyed the rest of the mushrooms on my plate and then glanced over to see Deja studying the Darkfisk she’d picked up with the tip of her spear and chain.
“How do you even eat one of these things?” the succubus questioned. “Do you go for the head or the tail, or do you just treat it like a drumstick and dig in from the side?”
“Whatever you do,” Blagdan warned, “do not eat the tail. You see those spines? Since Darkfisk don’t have any way of seeing, they’ve evolved to defend themselves with their tails. When they sense a predator is near, they’ll begin to flail wildly in hopes of striking their enemy with the deadly toxins that reside in the spines.”
“And they just … leave ‘em on when they cook ‘em?” Todd questioned with a quirked eyebrow. “That seems like a health code violation just waiting to happen.”
“It’s only toxic if it enters your bloodstream.” The Shadow Person shrugged, and then he used his sharp teeth to rip a chunk of Darkfisk off its body. “But the tail is where most of the flavor is at! So, don’t stab yourself with the spines or eat them, and you’ll be fine.”
It sounded simple enough.
So, I firmly grasped the Darkfisk with one hand on its head and the other on its tail, just beneath the deadly spines. Then I bent down, opened my mouth, and bit into its scaly body as hard as I could.
The roasted scales flaked off into my mouth and instantly melted against my tongue. They didn’t really have much flavor, but they added a bit of texture that paired quite well with the delicate, fleshy meat that came after. The actual flesh of the fish was somewhat briny and salty, yet still fatty all at the same time. It was almost like I was eating a piece of salmon straight off the fish, and I couldn’t help but let out a moan as the burst of flavor swirled around in my mouth.
“Holy shit,” Ira gasped as she swallowed down a bit of the Darkfisk. “I’ve had plenty of ritzy dinners with fish back when I was pretending to be Marvin Franklin’s wife, but I think this might top them all. I’ve never tasted anything so succulent in my life!”
“It’s pretty good,” Inpulsa added nonchalantly.
“What do you mean, ‘pretty good?’” Eclipse mused and slapped the yellow-haired succubus on the shoulder. “It’s alright to show some emotion every now and again, you know.”
“I show plenty of emotion,” Inpulsa said with a sly smile, “when I’m lighting up my enemies, I’m in pure euphoric bliss. And when I’m alone with Jacob … ”
“I’m eating, Pikachu!” Todd warned through a mouthful of fish. “Don’t make me send you back to your pokeball.”
“But there is one thing I’m still wondering about … ” Ira pondered aloud. “Do all of the toxins cook out of the fish’s tail, or is it still as potent as it was when it was alive?”
“None of us have been dumb enough to try it out,” Blagdan chuckled. “I’d say that’s a question to--”
Before he could finish his sentence, Ira picked up the remnants of her dinner, quirked her head, and then stabbed the spines as hard as she could into her right leg.
“Ohhhhhhhh, that’s the stuff!” she gasped.
Suddenly, the flesh on her leg began to turn black as visible blue liquid filled her veins, and then her eyes rolled back in her head as she fell off the wall. As she laid there convulsing on the ground, she continued to moan orgasmically in between coughs.
Blagdan nearly choked on his food when he saw Ira go down, and he dashed over and bent down so he could help her.
Meanwhile, the rest of us just watched with amusement.
“What the fuck is the matter with you?” the Shadow Person demanded as he looked up at us. “Why aren’t you helping her?”
“She’s fine, Blagpipe.” Todd waved his hand. “She’ll be healing herself up in three … two … ”
Suddenly, Ira’s entire body was engulfed with the warm, healing flames of her golden fire. The blue veins and black skin slowly faded away until it was the regular cream-colored shade the Sister of Wrath was used to. Then the strange, foamy material that had been pouring out of her mouth evaporated into thin air, and the succubus pulled herself back up to her feet.
“Whew, what a rush,” the dark-haired beauty giggled. “Nobody throw out your leftovers. I’m definitely gonna want those for later … ”
“What in the bloody hell just happened?” Blagdan gasped with wide eyes.
“Ira’s just being Ira,” Vidia explained. “Don’t mind her. I try not to.”
Ira stuck her tongue out at her Sister, who promptly returned the gesture with an added middle finger.
“More spunky than usual,” Ira purred, “this place really brings out the best in you, Sister.”
“Told you she was depressed,” Todd whispered so loudly we could all hear it. “Sadism at its best, bro.”
Suddenly, an idea popped into my head.
“Wait … you said the Darkfisk’s toxins affect the Caliginis, right?” I questioned.
“They do,” Blagdan explained, “unfortunately, the first Caliginis who tried to catch one found that out the hard way.”
“Would it work on Tenebris?” I added.
The Shadow Person went silent, and I couldn’t tell if he was deep in thought, or if he just thought my idea was too foolish to even warrant an answer.
“Perhaps,” he admitted after a long, drawn-out silence. “Actually, I don’t see why not.”
“But how will you get the toxins into him?” Deja questioned. “We’ll be lucky if my powers work well enough to get in a single blow…”
“That’s why I want to use this.” I nodded. “If I can dip my sword into this Darkfisk toxin, then a single blow is all I’ll need. I hit Tenebris, he phases away, and then the next time he reappears he’ll be writhing on the floor as he chokes on his own vomit.”
“Sounds like my last bar mitzvah,” Todd muttered.
“You’re Jewish?” Eclipse questioned.
“Me? Nooooo,” Todd shook his head, “but human Toddster could never pass up a good Shalomfest. Those people throw the best parties.”
“I could never be of that faith,” Tris shrugged, “too many rules.”
“Sister,” Eclipse chuckled through a mouthful of Darkfisk, “we’re demons. I don’t think we can be of any religion.”
“Everyone listen to Ira and save your spines,” I announced, “we’re going to need every ounce of venom we can possibly get.”
