by Marian Keyes
male equality. I was terribly shocked because I've always thought
of myself as a committed feminist but one who believes in love between men and women. Please help.
Camilla, Gothenburg
A. I am sick to my craw of feminists. They're nothing but shouty, bad-tempered termagants who try to make women feel guilty about everything. They're worse than men. Telling me that I'm letting myself be exploited by wearing a bra and cooking Mr. Walsh his dinner! As it happens, I don't cook Mr. Walsh his dinner and haven't since the early eighties. It wasn't that he was exploiting me, it was because those five brats of daughters never ate anything except bowls of Frosties. I'd cook myself blue in the face and they'd laugh and pretend they didn't know whether the end result was animal, vegetable or mineral. So I thought, I'm not going to make a gom of myself, slaving over a hob when I could be watching Neighbours and playing bridge. But it 's not because I'm a feminist, it 's just because I no longer fecking felt like it. I don't do much housework either, but that isn't because I'm afraid of being exploited there either, it 's because I have a bad back and can't do much bending (hoovering is out). Show what an independent, free-thinking woman you are by reading what you like and telling the feminists to stick it.
P.S. Is that your real name?
P.S. Have you already written to me? Are you "stalking" me?
Q. Dear Mammy Walsh, can you give me advice on applying fake
tan. Mine always goes streaky or too orange and I've been the subject
of a whispering campaign at work.
Dawn, Cardiff
A. Did they laugh at you, pet? I'd know all about that. Patience is the key. Also, and this might sound like I'm promoting my own daughter, but Candy Grrrl does a lovely fake tan—and that 's another thing, Dawn—we don't call it fake tan anymore, love. It 's self-tan now. Just a little tip. Yes, Candy Grrrl's is very nice. You put it on with latex gloves, like something out of ER, and the shade comes up nicely after three goes. Not streaky and not too orange. Quite smelly, though, but then again, they all are. Mr. Walsh goes mad. He says I stink the bedroom up. But I tell him to shut up, that it 's a small price to pay for me looking lovely. Another thing that might help is if you "exfoliate," that means to give yourself a good scrub with granuley stuff before you put on your fake tan. If you don't want the extra expense of buying the exfoliator, just rub harder with your facecloth. Although, and again it might sound like I'm promoting Anna, but Candy Grrrl do a lovely exfoliator, it smells like pineapples. Mind you, it 's easy for me to say because I get mine free.
Mammy Walsh regrets she cannot enter into private correspondence, as she has a home to run, a husband who is next to useless and five daughters who are always getting themselves into terrible mix-ups.
First written for Penguin Books' website, 2004
About the Author
MMARIAN KEYES began writing in 1993 and is the author of seven novels—Watermelon, Lucy Sullivan Is Getting Married, Rachel's Holiday, Last Chance Saloon, Angels, Sushi for Beginners, and The Other Side of the Story—all huge international bestsellers. She is also the author of Under the Duvet, a collection of humorous essays. She lives in Ireland with her husband and their two imaginary dogs.
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins authors.
By Marian Keyes
CRACKS IN MY FOUNDATION
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STORY
UNDER THE DUVET
SUSHI FOR BEGINNERS
ANGELS
LAST CHANCE SALOON
RACHEL'S HOLIDAY
LUCY SULLIVAN IS GETTING MARRIED
WATERMELON
Credits
Jacket illustration by Beth Adams Interior text designed by Elizabeth M. Glover
Copyright
CRACKS IN MY FOUNDATION. Copyright © 2005 by Marian Keyes. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of PerfectBound™.
PerfectBound™ and the PerfectBound™ logo are trademarks of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.
Adobe Acrobat eBook Reader October 2005 ISBN 0-06-089778-3
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Keyes, Marian. Cracks in my foundation / by Marian Keyes.—1st ed.
p. cm.
ISBN-13: 978-0-06-078703-5 ISBN-10: 0-06-078703-1
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
About the Publisher
Australia HarperCollins Publishers (Australia) Pty. Ltd.
25 Ryde Road (PO Box 321)
Pymble, NSW 2073, Australia http://www.perfectbound.com.au
Canada
HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.
55 Avenue Road, Suite 2900
Toronto, ON, M5R, 3L2, Canada
http://www.perfectbound.ca
New Zealand
HarperCollinsPublishers (New Zealand) Limited
P.O. Box 1
Auckland, New Zealand
http://www.harpercollins.co.nz
United Kingdom
HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.
77-85 Fulham Palace Road
London, W6 8JB, UK
http://www.uk.perfectbound.com
United States
HarperCollins Publishers Inc.
10 East 53rd Street
New York, NY 10022
http://www.perfectbound.com
