by Haynes, Jim
Jim Haynes was born in Sydney, attended Sydney Boys’ High School and Sydney Teachers’ College and then went bush to teach in towns like Menindee, on the Darling River, and Inverell in northern New South Wales. In between stints ‘in the bush’ he spent several years working in Britain and also gained two masters’ degrees in literature, from the University of New England and the University of Wales.
Throughout his teaching career, Jim was usually in a band or group as a singer. He started the Bandy Bill & Co Bush Band in 1977 and also worked in radio on 2NZ Inverell and the ABC’s popular Australia All Over program.
A major career change in 1988 saw him signed as a solo recording artist to Festival Records. Other record deals followed, along with hits like ‘Mow Ya Lawn’, ‘Since Cheryl Went Feral’ and ‘Don’t Call Wagga Wagga Wagga’. He created the first morning variety shows at the Tamworth Country Music Festival and toured his own shows, as well as touring with artists like Slim Dusty, Melinda Schneider and Adam Brand. He has hosted the Pat Glover Memorial Story Telling Awards at the Port Fairy Folk Festival for almost twenty years.
Jim has written and compiled over twenty books and released many albums of his own songs, verse and humour. He still works as an entertainer and has a weekend Australiana segment on Radio 2UE’s long running George and Paul show.
Jim lives at Moore Park in Sydney with his wife, Robyn. He collects colonial art, plays tennis twice a week, supports the Sydney Swans and can walk to Randwick Racecourse in ten minutes.
THE BEST
AUSTRALIAN
YARNS
. . . AND OTHER
TRUE STORIES
JIM HAYNES
Published by Allen & Unwin in 2013
Copyright © Jim Haynes 2013
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to Copyright Agency Limited (CAL) under the Act.
Every effort has been made to contact persons owning copyright in the stories published in this book. In cases where this has not been possible, owners are invited to contact Allen & Unwin.
Allen & Unwin
83 Alexander Street
Crows Nest NSW 2065
Australia
Phone: (61 2) 8425 0100
Fax: (61 2) 9906 2218
Email: [email protected]
Web: www.allenandunwin.com
Cataloguing-in-Publication details are available
from the National Library of Australia
www.trove.nla.gov.au
ISBN 978 1 74331 683 2
eISBN 978 1 74343 585 4
Set in 12/15 pt Minion Pro by Bookhouse, Sydney
THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO THE MEMORY OF THE LATE
PAT GLOVER 1915–2005 – THE PORT FAIRY SHANAKEE
CONTENTS
Introduction
Aussie Humour
King Kong’s Bum
If Ya Can’t Catch ’Em, Shoot ’Em!
‘It’s Not Sydney, You Know!’
Cologne or Dubbo
El Dubbo
Lunch for Dipso Dan
Be Careful with Babies Lennie Lower
The Bachelors’ Guide to the Care of the Young Lennie Lower
The Mute Boy
Too Much Argument
Aussie Sporting Clangers
Hare Today, Gone Tomorrow Jim Haynes and Paddy Ryan
April Fool!
Poor Ol’ Grandad Grahame Watt
A Tall Tale of Tagged Trout Paul B. Kidd
One Wish Frank Daniel
A Grave Mistake
Miles from Sydney
Tale of a Tooth Henry E. Horne
The Barrel of Bricks
The Goat Machine
That Cramming Feeling of School Days Lennie Lower
The Weelabarabak Bugle
Home Beautiful Lennie Lower
Solace Frank Daniel
Dad and Dave
Real Beaut News
Grand Final Day
Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining
Arithmetic Traditional/Jim Haynes
Desert Island 1
Desert Island 2
The Liars Henry E. Horne
Real Aussie Characters
William Dawes: The Man Who Wouldn’t Collect Heads
Francis Greenway: The Arrogant Convict
James Hardy Vaux: Who Was Transported Three Times
Captain Piper: Who Fathered Eighteen Children by Five Different Women
Billy Blue: The Old Commodore
The Flying Pieman: The Eccentric and Athletic Entrepreneur
Sir Henry Despard: His Inglorious Career
John Knatchbull: Who Pleaded Insanity
Teddy Davis: Our Only Jewish Bushranger
Frank Gardiner: King of the Road
Sam Poo: Australia’s Only Chinese Bushranger
Barney the Builder: The Empire’s ‘Mr Fixit’
J.F. Archibald: The Fake French Visionary
Larry Foley: The Father of Aussie Boxing
Foley and The Green Anonymous
Mei Quong Tart: Mandarin of the Fifth Degree with a Scottish Accent
Breaker Morant: ‘Shoot Straight, You Bastards . . .’
A Memory of Breaker Morant A.B. (Banjo) Paterson
Billy Hughes: The Little Digger
Percy Grainger: The Oddest Oddball of Them All
Arthur Stace: Mr Eternity
Hubert Wilkins: The Aussie Who Was Scattered at the North Pole
Annette Kellerman: The Perfect Woman
Roy Rene: Mo
Bea Miles: Delightfully Eccentric and Proudly Australian
Smoky Dawson: The Aussie Cowboy
Smoky on the Radio
Aussie Myths and Mysteries
Men Come to Australia Traditional/Jenkyn Thomas
The Coachman’s Yarn E.J. Brady
The Flood Traditional/Jenkyn Thomas
I’m the Man Frank Daniel
The Mystery of the Mahogany Ship
The Yowie
Koala and Kangaroo Traditional/Jenkyn Thomas
Bunyips
The Bunyip James Devaney
Seven Sisters Traditional/Jenkyn Thomas
The Legend of Fisher’s Ghost
The Bunyip and the Whistling Kettle John Manifold
Why the Crow is Black Traditional/Jenkyn Thomas
The Tantanoola Tiger
The Rainbow Traditional/Jenkyn Thomas
The Ghost of the Princess Theatre
Evening Star Traditional/Jenkyn Thomas
The Demon Snow-Shoes: A Legend of Kiandra Barcroft Boake
The Mystery of the SS Waratah
The Speewah Anonymous
Crooked Mick
Shearing on the Speewah Anonymous
Heat Lennie Lower
The Legend of the Oozlum Bird W.T. Goodge
Drinking Yarns
Rum, by Gum!
James Squire: Who Stole Nine Chooks and Was Given a Cow
Bluey Brink Anonymous
A Letter to The Bulletin Henry Lawson
How O’Leary Broke the Drought Jack Sorensen
Name Your Poison
McCarthy’s Brew George Essex Evans
A Bush Publican’s Lament Henry Lawson
The Guile of Dad McGinnis W.T. Goodge
The Oldest Pub in
Australia
Mulligan’s Shanty W.T. Goodge
The Oldest Pub in Sydney?
A Curious Reminiscence Alexander Montgomery
The Enterprise of Peter Degraves
How Aussie Is Foster’s?
Carlton United and Castlemaine
Crawliwigs Traditional/Jim Haynes
Pub Names
Booze and Sport
A Friendly Game of Football Edward Dyson
Court Day at Billybilly Anonymous
Dipso and the Twins
Anzac Night in the Gardens Lennie Lower
Drinks with a Kick in Them Lennie Lower
How Sexy Rex Cleared the Bar
Yarns from Our Past
The Dogged Captain Cook
Forgery on the High Seas John White
HMS Sirius Sails Round the World
Mary Bryant Goes Home
Our First Free Settlers
The Man They Couldn’t Hang
Who Crossed the Blue Mountains?
The Amazing Captain Swallow
The Cyprus Brig Frank McNamara
The 99th Regiment are Revolting!
The Three Coolangattas
The Colony that Never Was
Hanged in Uniform
Boomerang Payback
‘Ben Hall Permitting’
Brave Ben Hall Anonymous
A ‘Touch of Home’: Rabbits in Australia
Rabbit Anonymous
Australia’s Belfast
The Flying Chinaman
Where’s the River?
A Nautical Yarn Keighly Goodchild
The Night They Burnt the Rodney
The Rodney Dennis O’Keeffe
The ‘Failure’ that Succeeded: Mildura Irrigation Colony
The Grog Comes to Mildura Monty Grover
How Sydney was Remodelled by the Plague
Ross Smith and the Great Race
Radio 2UE
The Pleasure Ferry Rodney
The Enemy Below
Bush Yarns and Tall Tales
The Queensland Border
Mulga Bill’s Bicycle A.B. (Banjo) Paterson
Bullocky Bill is Missing
How We Cashed the Pig Jack Sorensen
Buffalo Fly, Go Away Lennie Lower
The Shearer’s Nightmare Anonymous
The Loaded Croc Paul B. Kidd
Scotty’s Wild Stuff Stew Francis Humphris-Brown
’Ard Tac Anonymous
What Are Their Names?
The Spider from the Gwydir Anonymous
Late for School
Service Anonymous
Straight from the Horse’s Mouth Lennie Lower
How McDougal Topped the Score Thomas E. Spencer
How We Lost Hopkins Frank Daniel
Holus Bolus E.G. Murphy
Guilty as Charged
Someone Pinched Our Firewood Jim Haynes
The Big Load Frank Daniel
Mickety Mulga T. Ranken
Daley’s Dorg Wattle W.T. Goodge
The Bullocky’s Tale Anonymous
Cruel Tactics of the Emu Lennie Lower
Tall Timber C.J. Dennis
I’m Not Lost
The Boaster and the Outlaw Anonymous
A Snake Yarn W.T. Goodge
Aussie Icons
Captain James Cook: Great Navigator, Poor Yarn Spinner
Captain Cook
Matthew Flinders - The Man Who Named Australia
The Black Stump
Freeman Cobb—The Man Who Stayed Three Years
The Lights of Cobb and Co Henry Lawson
Sydney’s Famous Ferries
Sydney-Side Henry Lawson
The Melbourne Cup: How Rivalry Created an Aussie Icon
The Melbourne Cup Lesbia Harford
Blind Freddy
Burke and Wills: The ‘Dig’ Saga
Ned Kelly: Villain or Hero?
Ned Kelly Anonymous
The Ashes
Sackcloth and— C.J. Dennis
Nellie Melba
When Enrico Slipped Nellie the Sausage
Melba C.J. Dennis
A.B. (Banjo) Paterson
Banjo Ted Harrington
Wattle and Waratah
Waratah and Wattle Henry Lawson
Surf Lifesaving: A ‘Reel’ Great Invention
Charles Kingsford-Smith: Tragic and Troubled Hero
Kingsford-Smith Winifred Tennant
Qantas
The Aussie Airline
How Two Children’s Stories Saved the Koala
The Coathanger
‘I Saw Phar Lap’
Phar Lap Anonymous
Chesty Bond: The Cartoon Hero with the Premier’s Jaw
Slim Dusty
The Opera House: Bennelong Point or Wynyard?
Aussies at War
The Fighting 29
Get Hold of that Brush
Before Gallipoli—There Was Elands River
Elands River George Essex Evans
Recruited at the Town Hall: A Yarn about Enlisting in 1914 ‘Haystack’ Hanman
Call the Cook
Peaceable-Looking Men Joseph L. Beeston
Shrapnel Tom Skeyhill
Sergeant Major Murphy
An Anzac Meets a Lord
Horses and Viewing Platforms Joseph L. Beeston
My Little Wet Home in the Trench Tom Skeyhill
Private Donnelly’s Yarns Anonymous
Who Goes There?
How Some Aussie Soldiers Got the Hump
Palestine and Poets Anonymous
It’s not Cricket!
Freighter Tip Kelaher
Jack Edmondson
Lest We Forget
Tobruk Anonymous
How Would I Be?
Middle East Song Anonymous
Bigger than Pearl Harbor
Mitsuo Fuchida, Sky Pilot
Japan’s First Defeat—Milne Bay
The Brave 39th
The 39th Battalion Dennis O’Keeffe
Private Kingsbury
Private Kelliher
A Mystery Solved: HMAS Sydney
Lost With All Hands Peter Mace
Racing Yarns
Not Bad
What’s in a Name?
What Price Possumum?
You Can’t Lose—At Least, Not To a Horse
The Man Who Liked Lot 41
Weight Was Right A.B. (Banjo) Paterson
The Amateur Rider A.B. (Banjo) Paterson
A-maizing Escape A.B. (Banjo) Paterson
The Stuttering Stablehand
Bottle Queen Traditional/Jim Haynes
The Only Undefeated Melbourne Cup Winner
The Grog-an’-Grumble Steeplechase Henry Lawson
The Horse who Couldn’t Get his Shoes on
Flying Kate Anonymous
I Have a Dream!
Flash Jack’s Last Race A.B. (Banjo) Paterson
Ask the Horse A.B. (Banjo) Paterson
The Two Falcons
Too Many Tim Whifflers!
Robinson Crusoe
A Post-Cup Tale C.J. Dennis
No Chance
Wrong Diagnosis
When Bushrangers Stole a Melbourne Cup Winner
Father Riley’s Horse A.B. (Banjo) Paterson
Roughneck
How the Favourite Beat Us A.B. (Banjo) Paterson
A Cunning Plan
The Old Timer’s Steeplechase A.B. (Banjo) Paterson
Railway Yarns
How New South Wales Got a Railway
The Great Zig Zag
How We Got a National Park
The Flying Gang A.B. (Banjo) Paterson
How Shellharbour Became Dunmore Russell Hannah
Thin Ice Russell Hannah/Jim Haynes
A Fair Go for New Australians Chris Holley
The Pub with No Railway Russell Hannah/Jim Haynes
Breakfast on the Banjo Russell Hannah/Jim Haynes
1174 Anonymous
Stargaz
er Jones and the Cat Russell Hannah
The End of the Line
Saved by a Cigarette Russell Hannah/Jim Haynes
Uncle Alex Meets Timetable Scottie Alex Hood/Jim Haynes
Hit for Six
The Never-Never Railway Line
Fare Evasion Russell Hannah/Jim Haynes
The Runaway Train Grahame Watt
Mean Mike Russell Hannah/Jim Haynes
The Ladies in Grey
Triple R Lady
Perhaps I’m Sentimental
Acknowledgements
INTRODUCTION
The term ‘yarn spinning’ comes from the days when threads of wool or cotton were hand spun into yarn—which was a more substantial product and could be used to make cloth.
So, like the real yarn spinners, the person telling a yarn takes some threads of a story and makes something substantial or meaningful from them.
There is a clue in our language that tells us that most yarn spinners in olden times were female. The word ‘spinster’ means an unmarried woman. This was because in the days before the Industrial Revolution many single females earned their living by spinning yarn—and probably told stories as they did it. So ‘occupation, spinster’ came to mean ‘unmarried woman’.
Yarns are not really full-blown stories, because they are usually about one single incident or event and don’t have to have a beginning, middle and end—although some do.
Yarns are not really jokes. They don’t have to have a punch line or be funny, though many are. People expect a good yarn to be at least entertaining and interesting, but not necessarily funny. It is true, however, that yarns are the way we have preserved and developed our Australian sense of humour.
If there is an Australian sense of humour, it seems to me to be about laughing at ourselves and supporting the underdog, but it’s hard to say exactly where the Australian sense of humour came from.
Obviously Irish and Cockney elements were very strong in the development of our sense of humour. Word play and alcohol have played a large part in what Australians have found funny over the past two hundred years. The more dry, deadpan humour that is also found in our favourite yarns might have come from the settlers and convicts who hailed from Yorkshire, Lancashire, the West Country and other rural areas of Britain.
What is often forgotten in discussions about the Australian sense of humour is that Indigenous Australians have a wonderful and unique sense of humour and are among the most amusing people I know to sit and yarn with. Aboriginal humour is mostly broad, self-deprecating and ironic. It is often very ‘in-house’ and sometimes delightfully rude.
The naming of the yearly festival, held in Melbourne since the 1950s, is a case in point. The festival is called Moomba and the story goes that original organisers wanted a new and unique name, so they asked local Aboriginal elders to suggest something and received the reply ‘Moomba’, which they were assured meant ‘let’s get together and have fun’. Years later someone finally let the cat out of the bag and confessed that ‘Moomba’ in the local dialect actually means ‘up your bum’!
