by John Saul
“I’m not hungry,” she said listlessly. “I’ll just go back up and read for a while. Night.”
“Aren’t you going to kiss me?”
Dispiritedly, Michelle went to her mother and kissed her on the cheek. June put her arms around Michelle and tried to draw her close, but felt her daughter stiffen.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “He really is tired tonight.”
“I know.” Michelle pulled herself out of her mother’s embrace. Feeling helpless, June let her go. Nothing she could say would make Michelle feel better. Only Cal could give her the reassurance she needed, and June was sure that wasn’t going to happen. Unless she forced him.
When Cal still hadn’t come back downstairs thirty minutes later, June made the rounds of the lower floor, locking up and turning off the lights. Then she mounted the stairs, stuck her head in to wish Michelle a final good night, and went down the hall to the master bedroom. She found Cal already in bed, propped against the pillows, reading a book. Next to him, sleeping peacefully in her bassinet, was Jennifer. For a moment, June found the scene disarming, but she quickly realized what Cal was doing.
“You aren’t that tired,” she announced. Cal looked at her blankly.
“What?”
“I said you aren’t that tired. Don’t pretend you didn’t hear me.” Her voice was quivering with anger, but Cal still only stared at her in puzzlement.
“I heard you. I just don’t know what you meant.”
“It’s simple,” June said coldly. “Half an hour ago, when I suggested you bring Jennifer upstairs—so that you could play with Michelle—you seemed to think it was much too early. And here you are, tucked happily in bed.”
“June—” Cal began, but she cut him off.
“Oh, come on. Do you really think I don’t know what’s going on? You came up here to hide. To hide from your own daughter! For God’s sake, Cal, don’t you know what you’re doing to her?”
“I’m not doing anything!” Cal said, almost desperately. “I just—I just …”
“You just can’t face her. Well, you’re going to have to, Cal. What you did down there was cruel. All she wanted to do was play a game with you. Just a simple, little game. My God, if your guilt is weighing on you so much, I’d have thought you’d be dying to play with her, if only so you could let her win. And then calling Jenny ‘princess,’ Didn’t you realize what it would do to Michelle? That’s always been your nickname for her!”
“She didn’t even notice,” Cal said, his voice sullen.
“How would you know? You won’t even look at her anymore. Well, let me tell you, Cal, she noticed. She almost started crying. I think the only reason she didn’t was that she was afraid no one would care. My God, can’t you understand what you’re doing to her?”
Her anger suddenly dissolving into frustration, June burst into tears and crumpled onto the bed. Cal gathered her into his arms, rocking her gently, his mind whirling with her accusations.
“Don’t, darling,” he whispered. “Please, don’t.”
June forced herself to relax in his arms. He was her husband, and she loved him; what was happening was really no more his fault than Michelle’s. It was something that had happened, that’s all. Something they would have to get through.
Together.
She sat up and dabbed at her eyes with a Kleenex from the nightstand.
“I’ve done something,” she said. “You aren’t going to like it, but we have to do it.”
“Done something? What?”
“Corinne Hatcher’s friend, the school psychologist. I’ve asked her to set us up an appointment with him.”
“Us? All of us?”
June nodded.
“I see.”
The concern that June had seen in his eyes only seconds before faded abruptly, like a curtain being drawn. When he spoke again, his voice was icy.
“Are you sure all of us need to go?” he asked, drawing the covers around himself.
“What do you mean?” June’s voice was guarded; she could sense something coming, but wasn’t sure what.
“I wish you could have heard yourself a few minutes ago,” Cal said smoothly. “You didn’t sound quite—well, rational is the word, I think.”
June’s mouth dropped open in astonishment. For a moment all she could do was stare at him. Was he really saying what she thought he was saying? It didn’t seem possible.
“Cal, you can’t do this.” She could feel her control slipping away from her. Tears were welling up again, and the anger she had thought was dissipated was flooding back.
“I haven’t done anything, June,” Cal said reasonably. “All I did was bring Jenny up, put her to bed, and then go to bed myself. And the next thing I know, you come in, raving like a maniac, insisting that I’m some kind of monster, and telling me I need to go into therapy. Does that sound rational to you?”
June rose from the bed, her eyes blazing. “How dare you?” she shouted. “Have you completely lost your mind? Are you really going to do this? Are you really going to go on defending yourself, trying to pretend nothing’s wrong? Well, you listen to me, Calvin Pendleton. I won’t tolerate it. Either you agree, right now, to go with me to see Tim Hartwick, or I swear, I’ll take Michelle and Jennifer, and I’ll leave you. Right now. Tonight!”
She stood in the middle of the room, waiting for him to speak. For a long time their eyes remained locked in an angry challenge. When finally the moment came, the moment when one of them would have to surrender, it was Cal.
His eyes flickered, then he looked away from her. He seemed to sink into the bed, the tension in his body suddenly released.
“All right,” he said softly. “I can’t lose you, I can’t lose Jennifer. I’ll go.”
Michelle started back to her room, her hip throbbing, barely able to make her crippled leg function.
She had heard the fight, heard her mother screaming at her father. She had tried not to listen at first, but then, as her mother’s shouting suddenly stopped, she had gotten up and crept out into the hall. Still hearing nothing, she had moved painfully down the hall, stopping only when she was right outside their door.
And she had listened.
At first, she had heard only a low murmuring of voices, but couldn’t make out the words.
Then her mother was screaming, threatening to leave, telling her father she was going to take them all away.
Michelle, in the hall, had heard nothing then but the sound of her own heart pounding, felt nothing but the excruciating pain in her hip.
Finally she had heard her father. His words echoed in her ears: I can’t lose you. I can’t lose Jennifer.
Nothing about her.
She crept back to her room and got into bed. She pulled the covers up tight around her neck and lay there, her small body shivering, her mind whirling.
It was true. He didn’t love her anymore.
Not since that day when she had fallen off the bluff.
That was the day the good things had stopped, and the bad things had started.
All she had left was Amanda.
In all the world, there was only Amanda.
She wished Amanda would come to her, talk to her, tell her everything was going to be all right.
And Amanda came.
Her dark figure, like a shadow in the night, moved out of a corner of the room, drifted toward Michelle, holding out her hand, reaching out, touching her.
The touch felt good. Michelle could feel her friend drawing her close.
“They were fighting, Mandy,” she whispered. “They were fighting about me.”
“No,” Amanda said. “They weren’t fighting about you. They don’t care about you. They only love Jennifer now.”
“No,” Michelle protested.
“It’s true,” Amanda’s voice whispered, soft in her ear, but insistent. ‘It’s all happening because of Jennifer. If it weren’t for Jennifer, they’d love you. If it weren’t for Jennifer, you wouldn’t have fallen.
Remember how they were teasing you? It was about Jennifer.
“It’s Jennifer’s fault. All of it.”
“Jennifer’s fault? But … but she’s so small …”
“It doesn’t matter,” Amanda whispered. “It will make it easy. Michelle, it will be so easy, and when she’s gone—when Jennifer’s gone—everything will be like it used to be. Can’t you see?”
Michelle turned it over in her mind, listening all the while to Amanda’s gentle voice, whispering to her, reassuring her. It all began to make sense.
It was Jennifer’s fault.
If there were no Jennifer.…
Michelle drifted off to sleep with Amanda close to her, crooning to her, whispering to her.
And when she was asleep, Amanda told her what she had to do.
It made sense to Michelle now.
All of it.…
CHAPTER 22
As the week dragged by, June became increasingly upset. Several times, she was tempted to ask Tim Hartwick to change his schedule, and see her family sooner. But she resisted the temptation, telling herself she was becoming hysterical.
By the time Friday came, she wondered if it was too late. The Pendletons could hardly be called a family anymore. Michelle had withdrawn even further, going off to school silently each day, then returning home only to disappear into her room.
June found herself pausing in the upstairs hall too often, standing outside Michelle’s door, listening.
She would hear Michelle’s voice, soft, barely audible, the words undecipherable. There would be pauses, as if Michelle were listening to someone else, but June knew she was alone in her room.
Alone, except for Amanda.
Several times during those days, June tried to bridge the gulf that was widening between her and her husband, but Cal seemed impervious to her overtures. He left for the clinic early each morning and stayed late each evening, coming home only in time to play with Jennifer for a few minutes, then retiring early.
And Jennifer.
It was as if Jennifer sensed the tension in the house. Her laughter, the happy gurgling that June had grown so used to, had completely disappeared. She seldom even cried anymore, as if she were afraid to create any kind of disturbance.
June spent as much time as she could in her studio, trying to paint, but more often than not she merely stared at her empty canvas, not really seeing it. Several times she started to dig through the closet, to find the strange sketch she knew she hadn’t done. Something stopped her—fear.
She was afraid that if she looked at it long enough, thought about it hard enough, she would figure out where it had come from. She didn’t want to.
When Friday morning finally came, June felt suddenly released. Today, at last, they would see Tim Hartwick. And today, perhaps, things would begin to get better.
For the first time that week, June broke the silence that had lain heavily over the breakfast table.
“I’ll pick you up at school today,” she told Michelle.
Michelle looked at her questioningly. June tried to make her smile reassuring.
“I’m meeting your father after school today. We’re all going to talk to Mr. Hartwick.”
“Mr. Hartwick? The psychologist? Why?”
“I just think it would be a good idea, that’s all,” June said.
Tim Hartwick smiled at Michelle as she came into his office, and gestured toward a chair. Michelle settled herself into it, then surveyed the room. Tim waited quietly until her eyes finally came back to him.
“I thought my parents were going to be here, too.”
“I’m going to talk to them a little later. First, I thought we could get acquainted.”
“I’m not crazy,” Michelle said. “I don’t care what anybody told you.”
“No one told me anything,” Tim assured her. “But I guess you know what I do here.”
Michelle nodded. “Do you think I did something to Susan Peterson?”
Tim was taken aback. “Did you?” he asked.
“No.”
“Then why should I think you did?”
“Everybody else does.” There was a pause, then: “Except Amanda.”
“Amanda?” Tim asked. “Who’s Amanda?”
“She’s my friend.”
“I thought I knew everyone here,” Tim said carefully. “But I don’t know anybody named Amanda.”
“She doesn’t go to school,” Michelle said. Tim watched her carefully, trying to read her face, but there was nothing to read—as far as he could tell, Michelle was now quite relaxed.
“Why doesn’t she go to school?” Tim asked.
“She can’t. She’s blind.”
“Blind?”
Michelle nodded. “She can’t see at all, except when she’s with me. Her eyes look strange, all milky.”
“And where did you meet her?”
Michelle thought for a long time before she answered him. Finally she shrugged. “I’m not sure. I guess I must have met her out by our house. That’s where she lives.”
Tim decided to drop the subject for a moment. “How’s your leg? Does it hurt very badly?”
“It’s all right” She paused, then seemed to change her mind. “Well, sometimes it hurts worse than others. And sometimes it hardly hurts at all.”
“When is that?”
“When I’m with Amanda. I—I guess she sort of takes my mind off it I think that’s why we’re such good friends. She’s blind, and I’m crippled.”
“Weren’t you friends before you fell?” Tim asked, sensing something important.
“No. I saw her a couple of times, but I didn’t really get to know her until after the accident. Then she started visiting me.”
“Didn’t you have a doll named Amanda?” Tim asked suddenly. Michelle only nodded.
“I still do. Except that it isn’t really my doll. Actually, it was Mandy’s doll, but now we share it.”
“I see.”
“I’m glad someone does,” Michelle said.
“You mean some people don’t?”
“Mom doesn’t. She thinks I made Amanda up. I guess she thinks that because they have the same name. Amanda and the doll, I mean.”
“Well, it could get confusing.”
“I guess,” Michelle agreed. “Actually, at first I thought they were the same, too. But they’re not. Amanda’s real, and the doll’s not.”
“What do you and Amanda do together?”
“Talk, mostly. But sometimes we go for walks together.”
“What do you talk about?”
“All kinds of things.”
Tim decided to try a shot in the dark. “Was Amanda with you the day Susan Peterson fell off the bluff?”
Michelle nodded.
“Were you in the graveyard?”
“Yes. Susan was saying mean things to me, but Mandy made her stop.”
“How did she do that?”
“She chased her away.”
“You mean she chased her off the bluff?”
“I don’t know,” Michelle said slowly. The thought had never occurred to her before. “Maybe so. I couldn’t see—it was foggy that day.… Mom said it wasn’t, but it was.”
Tim leaned forward, and his face grew serious. “Michelle, is it always foggy when Amanda is with you?”
Michelle thought a moment, then shook her head. “No. Sometimes it is, but not all the time.”
Tim nodded. “What about your other friends? Do they know Amanda?”
“I don’t have any other friends.”
“None?”
Michelle’s voice dropped. Her eyes seemed to cloud over. “Ever since I fell off the bluff, nobody wants to be my friend.”
“What about your sister?” Tim asked. “Isn’t your sister your friend?”
“She’s just a baby.” There was a long silence, but Tim was reluctant to break it, sure that Michelle was about to say something. He was right.
“Besides,” Michelle added, her voice little mo
re than a whisper, “she’s not really my sister.”
“She isn’t?”
“I’m adopted. Jenny’s not.”
“Does that bother you?”
“I don’t know,” Michelle hedged. “Amanda says …”
“What does Amanda say?” Tim urged her.
“Amanda says that ever since Jenny was born, Mom and Dad don’t love me anymore.”
“And do you believe her?”
Michelle’s face took on a belligerent quality. “Well, why shouldn’t I? Daddy hardly even talks to me anymore, and Mommy spends all her time taking care of Jenny, and—and—” Her voice trailed off, and a tear slid down her cheek.
“Michelle,” Tim asked gently. “Do you wish Jenny had never been born?”
“I—I don’t know.”
“It’s all right if you do,” Tim told her. “I know how mad I was when my little sister was born. It just didn’t seem fair. I’d had my parents all to myself for so long, and then all of a sudden there was someone else. But I found out my parents loved me just as much as they ever did.”
“But you weren’t adopted,” Michelle countered. “It’s not the same.” She stood up. “May I go now?”
“Don’t you want to talk to me anymore?”
“No. At least, not right now. And not about Jenny. I hate Jenny!”
“All right,” Tim said soothingly. “We won’t talk about Jenny anymore.”
“I don’t want to talk about anything anymore!” Michelle glared at him, her face set stubbornly.
“What do you want to do?”
“I want to go home,” Michelle said. “I want to go home, and find Amanda!”
“All right,” Tim said. “I’ll tell you what—I have to talk to your parents for a few minutes. Let’s get you a Coke, and by the time you finish it, I should be done with your father and mother. How does that sound?”
Michelle seemed about to argue with him, but suddenly her anger dissipated, and she shrugged. “Okay, I guess.”
Tim opened his office door for her and smiled encouragingly at June and Cal. “We’re going to get Michelle a Coke,” he told them. “You can go in—I’ll be right back.”
