“Lovely” by Sara Haze
“HURRY UP, SARA! We were supposed to be at Cain’s thirty minutes ago!” Alex hollers from my living room.
“I’m coming, I’m coming! Keep your pants on. I’m just packing up the food so it doesn’t spill in your car,” I tell her as I cover my semi-famous Mexican layer dip and turtle brownies with foil. “He’s not going to start boiling until dark anyway.”
“Ugh, it’s bad manners to show up just as the crawfish hit the table. I know your momma raised you better than that, girl.”
Alex’s irritation with me is growing exponentially by the minute, but I just want to be sure everything is perfect. Tonight may be the night that Adam decides, after about four months together, I’m kid-tested and father approved for social gatherings with Lily and Gage.
Four months. Four months filled with stolen kisses, tattoo suggestions (I still haven’t made up my mind), racy texts, breakfast and lunch dates (while the kids are in school), and the occasional weekend sleepovers when Adam’s parents take the kids. Instead of getting familiar as time passes, our connection only intensifies. And, selfishly, I want more. As impossible as it may be, I want it all.
Alex, Marlo, and I have been welcomed into the makeshift family of New Horizons, and our acceptance into the family comes with invitations to “family dinners” every other weekend. Everyone takes a turn hosting the dinner and making the main dish, but we all bring a little something to contribute to the party. Of course, Marlo and I can’t make every dinner due to our crazy schedules at the hospital, but we attend every chance we get.
Recently, Adam has been attending with less regularity. And by recently, I mean in the last four months. If I’m supposed to attend dinner, Adam and the kids are conveniently otherwise engaged for the evening. If I’m working, they’ll almost certainly be in attendance. If the kids are with his parents for the weekend, we make an appearance together. I feel like a pariah breaking up the happy family. By starting a relationship with Adam, I’ve made the New Horizons gang like a divorced family.
I try to focus on the positive, and believe me when I say there are countless positives. No one has made me feel the way Adam makes me feel with just one look—with one word. I’m the best version of myself when I’m with him. I’m not the weak, pathetic girl who can’t ask for what she wants. The girl who’s afraid to say how she feels. I’m strong and decisive. I’m worthy of love. I want to be worthy of him.
When I look at him, I see strength and perseverance. His little family has endured great loss, and he manages to not only survive, but also flourish. His children thrive under his love, and I know his parents, and his sister for that matter, are so proud of what a wonderful father he’s become.
“So is Adam going to be there tonight?” Alex asks as she drives us to Cain’s downtown apartment.
“What do you think?” I answer sarcastically and then shake my head at my own negativity and self-pity. “I mean, ya never know, but I doubt it. I’m sure he will have a perfectly plausible explanation as to why he and the kids have to miss tonight. And I’m sure everyone will play the game where they pretend to believe the excuse, even though we all know I’m the reason. I wonder if they all wish I would just stay home instead.”
“You are not the reason, Sara. You need to remember that, okay? And you are not going to stay home. I mean, I get his rational behind keeping things separate, I really do. I can only imagine how confusing dating can be to children, and he’s doing his best to shelter them from that. That’s truly admirable. But that’s his decision, and it’s in no way your fault.”
“Is he afraid that I’m going to run up and hug them, screaming ‘I’m your new mommy,’ or does he think I’m going to jump in his lap and stick my tongue down his throat right in front of them? I’m not a psycho! He doesn’t mind if his other friends are around them. Hell, Celia and Caroline babysit for him all the time. But it appears that dating him is equivalent to drawing the short straw. My brain understands his logic, but my heart feels … pushed aside. I want to know all of him, and Lily and Gage are, without a doubt, the most important part of his life.”
“Just give him time, Sara. It may feel like a personal affront to you, but try to keep in mind his motivation. He’s doing what he thinks is best for his kids. He’ll introduce y’all when he thinks the time is right. Have you ever thought of telling him how you feel?” Alex asks in a calm, unbiased voice.
“Uh, I don’t want to pressure him into anything. I don’t want to be that girl. I guess I’m just ready for him to catch up with me—to move forward with him. And you know what a big deal it is for me to admit that. I know that we’ve gone as far as we can without taking the next logical step. Without letting me get to know Lily and Gage, our relationship can’t progress. The fact that he doesn’t want me to meet them tells me he doesn’t want our relationship to progress.”
“Just be patient, Sara. He’ll come around, I promise. We all move at our own pace, and he’ll obviously be a little slower than you because he’s got more to worry about than just himself. You need to remember how happy you’ve been for the past few months. Focus on that. You’re concentrating all your emotion on the one problem and forgetting all of the great things about you and Adam. Try to focus on the big picture instead of picking at the holes. I would kill to be a phone call away from someone who cares for me the way Adam cares for you …”
Alex’s expression is pained, and I wonder what she’s not telling me. She’s never mentioned the conversation I overheard between her and her mother or the person she seemed so intent on locating. I wouldn’t say Alex is an open book, but she’s confided in me before when she needed a shoulder to cry on. It’s important to me that she knows I’ll always be there for her.
“Alex, is everything okay? You know you can talk to me about anything, right?” I reach over and squeeze her shoulder just as she turns to me with tears in her eyes. She quickly looks back to the road and drives in silence for a minute or two. I give her those moments to collect her thoughts, hoping she will clue me in.
“I’m not ready to say it out loud just yet. If I tell anyone, then I have to admit it’s not just a bad dream … that it’s real. But when I’m ready, you, Marlo, and Celia better be ready for one hell of a slumber party, okay?”
“Of course, you know we’ll be ready. I’m sorry if I’ve been a little self-centered lately, always talking about Adam—”
Alex raises her hand to interrupt me. “You stop right there, Sara. Nothing makes me happier than seeing you with Adam. You’ve waited too long to be this happy, and you damn well better not stop talking to me about it.”
“Yes, ma’am. You just let me know about that slumber party. There’s nothing that makes me happier than junk food and ‘80s brat pack movies.”
As we round the corner into downtown Providence, my text alert interrupts our conversation.
A: Hey, babe. Gage’s stomach has been bothering him all day, so we’re gonna have to miss dinner tonight. You guys eat enough crawfish for me.
“Speak of the devil.” I sigh and give Alex a defeated look.
S: I hope he feels better soon. Just let me know if I can help with picking up meds or anything.
A: Thanks, but I have what I need. Miss you…
“I’m sorry, Sara,” Alex says, reading my sullen expression.
“Yeah, me too.”
“Oh my gosh, if I eat one more crawfish or potato I think I’ll explode,” Marlo says dramatically.
I nod my head in agreement. Cain has really outdone himself tonight. Perfectly seasoned crawfish, ice-cold beer, and great company—I can’t ask for better than that.
Cain, the self-proclaimed country boy, lives in a spacious loft in the middle of downtown Providence on the top of an antique shop. The fire escape on the back of his building leads up to a rooftop patio, complete with an outdoor kitchen, surround sound stereo system, and flat screen TV—all protected by thick black outdoor fabric that is draped in between mode
rn steel beams. The whole setup up is ultra-modern and completely unlike Cain.
“Okay, Cain, I’m a little bit surprised by your setup here. What’s the deal?” I ask. “I would’ve never imagined you lived in a place like this.”
“What were you expecting? A double-wide in a cow pasture? You disappoint me, Sara.” He shakes his head in mock disgust.
“That’s not what I meant!”
“Shit, that’s what I mean. I expected a clapboard shotgun shed, complete with an outhouse and a donkey tied up to the patio,” Marlo quips as she tosses a crawfish into her mouth.
“Shut your pie hole, Marlo. Nobody rattled your cage.” Cain shoots Marlo a stern glare before turning back to me. “I work in the woods and on the water all day long in addition to all my work on my rental properties. While I’m single, it’s kind of nice to keep it simple. No yard to fuck with, and the apartment is newly renovated, so there are very few repairs. Plus, I’m right in the middle of town so all my ladies know where to find me.”
“Well, aren’t you just the Cowboy Casanova of Providence?” Marlo teases as Cain grins proudly. “What do you do for a living anyway, Cain?”
“Game warden. Awesome, right? Doesn’t even feel like a job. If you’re ever stranded in the wilderness, I’m the guy you want with you.”
“Well, that’s a matter of opinion,” Marlo mutters as she crosses her arms over her chest and huffs.
“I have to admit … he’s definitely the guy you want as your landlord. He takes such good care of me; he’s at my house fixing things before I even know they break.” Celia smiles sweetly at Cain, and I don’t miss the adoring look she receives from him in return. All of a sudden Celia’s eyebrows shoot up, and she jumps up from her seat to grab her purse. “Oh, I almost forgot. I edited and cropped the pictures from the recital last night to show y’all. They came out great. Lily is such a doll.”
Recital? What in the world is she talking about? I feel a heaviness settling in my stomach, and I train my face to hide my confusion. My jaw tenses, and my back is ramrod straight. Everyone crowds around Celia as she flips through photo after photo on her phone, and I follow closely behind, staying silent. Everyone oohs-and-ahhs as pictures of Lily in her ballerina costume flit across the screen. Alex discreetly slides her hand into mine and squeezes, and I’m grateful for her support.
The pictures appear to be in chronological order, and Celia is quickly approaching the slides from the end of the recital. I take a deep breath and wish away the tears accumulating behind my eyes as I view the pictures of Adam, Lily, Gage, Caroline, Celia, and Cain all huddled together like one, big happy family. The picture of Celia, Lily, and Adam manages to twist the knife even more.
Ever the sweet friend and peacemaker, Celia smiles and shrugs her shoulders. “It’s such a shame they couldn’t make it tonight. I’m sure Lily would have gladly performed an encore for everyone.”
When our eyes meet, I see her sympathy for me. For my situation. That should make me feel better, but there’s one feeling pulsing through my body that takes precedence over everything else. Jealousy. I’m jealous of Celia, Caroline, and Cain because they’ve been deemed “good enough” to be a part of Lily and Gage’s lives. I’m jealous because the photo of Celia, Adam, and the kids looks like perfection. They could grace the cover of any holiday greeting card. That photo begs for the response, “What a beautiful family.” And I can’t deny that they are a beautiful family. As selfish and vile as it makes me feel, I even harbor some jealousy toward Lily and Gage.
But I also feel ashamed. Celia’s my friend, and she’s been supportive of my relationship with Adam from the start. I love her, and I know their relationship is strictly platonic. Deep down, I’m grateful that Adam has loving people in his life who are willing to lend a hand when he needs. I’m glad his friends see what a gift his children are instead of thinking of them as a nuisance. Caroline feels like a second mother to me, and I know she’s pulled Adam out of some really dark places after his sister’s death. Lily and Gage also played a pivotal role in Adam coming to terms with Grace’s death. They have helped mold him into the wonderful man he has become. No, I don’t begrudge Adam any part of this wonderful family he’s created.
I just want to be part of it, too.
“Best Day of My Life” by American Authors
I BID MY goodbyes and watch the freshmen from my Saturday morning class file out of the meeting room. With gruesome crotch rot pictures tucked under my arm, I walk into the main office area of the clinic. My gaze sweeps over empty desks and chairs, and I sigh deeply.
“So now what?” I ask myself, feeling disappointed that no one is here to answer me. Caroline and Adam are out of town for the day relocating one of our domestic abuse clients; Celia is babysitting Lily and Gage, and the other, more part-time volunteers are out of pocket for the morning. So that leaves me as the lone New Horizons employee for the remainder of the morning.
In the absence of a better option, I obsessively clean the desk area, secretly hoping a client will walk in and save me from my task. Luckily, the clinic is only open for a half-day on Saturdays, so I only have a few more hours of torture. The ringing of the phone pierces the silence, startling me about an hour into my cleaning binge.
“Good morning, New Horizons Outreach Center. This is Sara, may I help you?”
“God, I hope so! Sara, it’s Celia. I have an emergency, and I need to ask you for a huge favor.” Celia sounds frantic over the phone, and I hear her banging and clanging around while she sighs heavily into the phone.
“Hey, whatever you need. You know that, Celia. What can I do?”
“One of my clients has been arrested, and I need to get to the police station. He’s extremely paranoid, and I’m sure the arrest is a misunderstanding. I’m afraid if I don’t get over there and calm him down, he could get violent. I need to help diffuse this situation and hopefully get him into a hospital instead of a jail cell,” Celia rambles, barely breathing in between sentences.
“Okay, where do I come in?” I ask, gathering my things and putting them in my purse. If Celia needs my help, I know Caroline won’t mind closing the clinic a couple of hours early. The favor pertains to clinic business, after all.
“Adam and Caroline won’t be home until late this afternoon.” Celia pauses, and I wait patiently for her to continue. She takes a deep breath and quickly spits out her request. “I need you to watch Lily and Gage while I’m gone.”
“Wait a minute … I don’t know, Celia. Can’t I go to the jail for you? I don’t know if … I don’t think that Adam would … what if he …” I shake my head and fall back into the chair. Adam has spent months carefully planning our lives to ensure I didn’t meet his kids, and it feels reckless on my part to go against his wishes.
“It’ll be fine, Sara. You’re a nurse for Christ’s sake! Who better to take care of them? Adam will be fine with it, and quite frankly, it’s high time you met Lily and Gage anyway. It’s obvious to everyone that you’re a long-term presence in Adam’s life,” Celia pleads. “Please, Sara. My client really needs me.”
My brain can’t keep up as I run through the possible scenarios in my mind. Will Adam be angry with me? With Celia? Is there a chance that he’ll see me with Lily and Gage and realize it isn’t the end of the world? Will Lily and Gage love me? Hate me? Will an afternoon with me result in a rock up someone’s nose and a visit to the emergency room?
A full minute passes with these obsessive questions circling around in my mind before the one question that matters comes to the forefront. Would I ever refuse to help Celia? Of course not.
“I’m on my way. He’ll just have to understand the situation and get over it, right?”
“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Celia shouts and quickly ends the call, probably not wanting to give me the chance to change my mind.
“Lily and Gage, this is Sara. She works with your dad and me. She’s going to spend the afternoon with you guys.” Celia says, her voice sounding
like spun sugar. We’re all huddled in Adam’s kitchen, Celia and I crouching in front of Lily and Gage.
I’ve been in Adam’s house on several occasions, but always when the kids were at school or out of town. His house feels well lived in with children’s artwork on the refrigerator and random toys throughout the house. Adam’s style is evident throughout, but the touches of Lily and Gage are what make it feel like a home.
The children quietly inspect me, and I squirm under their gaze. They’re going to be tougher customers than I initially thought. Lily’s bouncing brown curls and Gage’s spatter of freckles across the bridge of his nose do absolutely nothing to soften their exacting stares. I smile apprehensively and give them a tiny wave of my hand in an attempt to break the tension.
“I saw you before, talking to my daddy at Aunt Cece’s house,” Lily says suspiciously, obviously remembering the night that I first saw them, months ago. I’ve got to give it to her; the girl has got a good memory.
“I remember you, too, Lily. I’m so glad to finally meet you. And you, too, Gage. I bet we can think of some fun things to do this afternoon. What do you say?”
“What fun things?” Gage asks and narrows his gaze, as if his agreement relies solely on my response to this question.
“Well, I thought we could take a walk to the park and feed the ducks … and maybe play on the playground,” I suggest, holding my breath and crossing my fingers.
Lily and Gage should take a trip to Vegas, because they have the best poker faces I’ve ever seen. I look toward Celia, and she offers me an exasperated shrug. I’m racking my brain for alternate ideas to gain their approval when Lily breaks the tense silence.
“We got a wagon. You can pull us.”
“I’ll get the bread,” Gage offers.
Whew, I’m glad that’s settled.
“Next time, we have to bring more bread, Miss Sara!” I feel Lily’s hand slide into mine as she looks up at me with flushed cheeks and sparkling blue eyes. The feeling of her tiny fingers squeezing into my palm sends a rush of warmth straight to my heart.
Hope Over Fear (Over #1) Page 18
