“Listen, Sara,” James begins as he reaches across the table to place his hand on top of mine. The contact makes me jump and pull my hand back.
“Jeez, I’m so sorry, James. What a supreme overreaction.” I shake my head and eye my hands in my lap as the redness creeps up my neck.
“Please, don’t be sorry. Look, you seemed at ease with me when we were at the game, but not so much anymore. I meant what I said. We’re just two friends eating a meal together. I swear to you, I have no expectations. I’d have to be a fool to think you’re ready to date.”
I sigh, and the tension slowly leaves my shoulders. “That makes me feel better, James, thank you. I feel like I’m doing something wrong. Like I’m cheating. Adam and I aren’t together, but for some reason it still doesn’t feel right.”
“You may be apart, but I don’t think you’ve let go. Who knows, maybe you aren’t supposed to. Anyway, totally not my business. Let’s talk about something else. So, how about your friend Marlo. What’s her deal?”
I throw my head back and laugh. “What a loaded question! I’m afraid you’ll have to be more specific.”
“I don’t get what’s going on with her and Mike. She’s a relationship girl, ya know? She’s beautiful, smart, sexy, and a blast to be around. She’s the type of girl you bring home to your parents. Minus the foul mouth, of course. But you would show her off and make sure everyone knows she’s off limits. She’s not some middle of the night fuck buddy. But that’s all she wants from Mike. She refuses to go on traditional dates with him. She won’t attend parties with his friends, and she won’t invite him to any of her shit. It doesn’t make any sense. What gives?”
“I wish I had an answer for you, but that’s how she’s always been. It has nothing to do with Mike, I promise you. He’s seems to be a good guy, but since I’ve known her, she’s never done the traditional dating thing. Marlo is an enigma,” I explain as I shrug my shoulders.
“That she is.”
“Sara?”
I turn in the direction of the deep voice calling my name, and I’m met with a set of confused green eyes. Cain is standing near the foyer of the restaurant holding two jugs of frozen margaritas. His confused look turns to stone as he glances at James. The relaxed mood has again left the building.
“Cain, hey, what are you up to?” I ask casually, or at least that’s what I’m going for.
“Just picking up margaritas for the barbeque tonight. El Rodeo has the best.” Cain narrows his gaze at me, and I feel two inches tall. “What are you up to, Sara?”
“Not too much. Just caught the Northern U baseball game.” I figure it’s best to keep my answers short and sweet. I’m not sure anything I say will appease Cain at this point.
“I take it you’re not coming tonight, right?” His implication is not lost on me. How hateful does he think I am? I’d never do something like that to Adam. I’m not the one who spewed hurtful comments about him behind his back. My, how quickly people forget.
“Of course not, Cain.” I remain silent after this, no longer feeling the need to smooth over tension.
After a pregnant pause, Cain walks over to our table, sets down one of the jugs, and extends his hand to James. “I’m Cain. And you are?”
James stands politely and shakes Cain’s hand. “Hey man, I’m James. It’s good to meet you.”
“Right,” Cain says as he eyes me suspiciously. “Well, I better head out. You two have a lovely dinner.”
He doesn’t even spare a glance my way as he storms out the door. Cain and I are friends, but I have no misconception about where his loyalties lie. It’s clear I’m not the only one who thinks I’m doing something wrong. I’m just not certain what Cain is going to do about it. The possibilities run through my mind on a constant feed, and none of the options looks favorable.
“Sara, your hands are shaking. Take some deep breaths and try to calm down, okay?” James says in a low voice as he holds my hands in an effort to steady them. When I seem to have calmed a bit, James lets go of my hands. “So I take it that Cain has some kind of ties to ‘Mr. Circumstance.’”
“Uh, yeah. He’s one of his best friends. He’s also going to the same barbeque tonight.” I raise my hand to my forehead and try to center myself. “I think I’m going to be sick. Please excuse me.”
I rush toward the ladies room before the tears hit my cheeks. How could I have been so stupid? Marlo warned me, and like an idiot, I ignored her. Cain is probably calling Adam right now and telling him all about what he just witnessed.
Nothing inappropriate has happened, but I know all too well about perception. Perception is what allowed Mason to let me go, and then it proceeded to annihilate my reputation. Now it’s going to put the final nail in the coffin of my relationship with Adam. Wait, I thought I decided the final nail had already been put in that coffin. If that’s really true, then why am I terrified of Adam’s reaction? Adam will finally know it’s over between us. I should feel grateful.
But I’m not.
I splash some water on my face and pat my neck with a cool paper towel. I still look like a hot mess, but I’ve been in the restroom for entirely too long. I hope James won’t mind if we wrap up dinner. I don’t think I could eat one thing, and I really just need to be alone. He’s been so understanding all night, so I don’t foresee it being a problem.
When I walk out of the restroom, James is leaning against the wall in the hallway. He pushes off the wall and reaches for my hand as I move toward him. He really is a handsome man, and I’d be very interested in a different lifetime. But right here, right now, all I can offer is friendship.
“I didn’t think you would be up for dinner, so I paid the tab. How about I take you home?” James bumps my shoulder as a friendly gesture and starts leading me to the door.
“I think that’s a good idea. I’m sorry for all the drama. I know this isn’t what you signed up for,” I say apologetically.
“Hey, no worries. Shit happens. In a town the size of Providence, uncomfortable run-ins are inevitable. Let’s head out before one of my exes shows up and starts some cat fight drama.” I shake my head and laugh at James’ attempt to lighten the mood.
We drive through town in a companionable silence. The run in with Cain makes James feel more like a partner in crime than a date. The air is filled with apprehension about what’s to come, and his presence soothes me.
Best-case scenario, Cain confronts me in private before he tells Adam anything. I’m not delusional; I know he’s going to tell him. But hopefully he’ll give me a chance to explain before he does. I’m holding out hope for that scenario.
James pulls onto my quiet street, and all hope leaves me as I see a familiar jeep parked in front of my house. My hands begin to tremble, and my breath comes in short bursts as we turn into my driveway.
Tears threaten behind my eyes as I see Adam sitting on my front porch. He’s leaning forward on his knees and searing me with a menacing glare.
“If You’re Gone” by Matchbox Twenty
“I Won’t Let You Go” by James Morrison
“GOD, MY PROPENSITY to completely fuck things up amazes even me,” I confess as I squeeze the bridge of my nose, searching for calm.
“Aw, don’t be so hard on yourself. Things aren’t that messed up,” James says with a hint of positivity that I don’t feel.
“Oh yeah, Mr. Sunshine? How do ya figure?”
“He showed.”
“Huh?” I take my focus off the gorgeous man on my porch for a moment and give James a confused look.
“When shit like this happens, a lot of guys would find a fifth of whiskey and an easy woman to show the world you didn’t matter. An asshole thing to do? Absolutely. Hurt pride has a tendency to bring out the worst in the male species. But he didn’t do that. He came looking for you, and that counts for something,” James explains.
“Thanks, James. I know you didn’t sign up for this craziness, and I’m sorry. You’ve been so understanding,” I say as I
collect my purse and turn to leave.
“Don’t mention it. What’s a little craziness between friends? That being said, unless you need me, I think I’m going to stay in the truck. Three’s a crowd and all that happy horse shit, ya know? Plus, this face is way too pretty to be punched,” James jokes as he shrugs his shoulders. He grabs my hand before I open the door and pulls gently. “One more thing before you go. He’s gonna say some hateful shit right now, and there’s really no avoiding it. I’m sure he’s hurt, and like I said, his pride has likely taken a hit. Before you react, just remember what I told you. He showed up.”
I nod in understanding and open the truck door. “Good night, James.”
I step onto the lawn and wait until James backs out of the driveway before turning to face Adam. It’s been entirely too long since I’ve seen him. I’m overcome with a sense of relief. James is right; the only thing more terrifying than facing him is the thought of him not caring enough to show up. That leaves me hopeful in spite of the disheveled state of our relationship.
He hasn’t moved an inch since I’ve arrived, his glare sinister and looming. I gaze across the expanse between us as my apprehension rises inside me to new heights.
“Well, you don’t waste any fucking time, do you?” Adam says in a harsh voice slightly higher than a whisper. His words cut through the silence of the night and feel like a slap to my face.
His words serve to loosen the cement that has kept my feet from moving forward. I take a few steps in his direction. “Adam—”
“Don’t! Just fucking don’t! I don’t think I can stomach some poorly thought out excuse right now.” Adam lowers his head in defeat.
“I wasn’t going to give you one,” I whisper tentatively. “The fact of the matter is I don’t really owe you any explanation.”
His head jerks up at my response, and my insides clench nervously. His eyes rake over me like he’s seeing me for the first time, and it’s obvious he doesn’t like what he sees. In that instant, anger replaces my anxiousness, and it boils over inside me. I’m tired of everyone casting me as the villain. I’m so done with it. He talks about me like I’m a two-bit whore who’s not good enough to introduce to his children, and I’m supposed to apologize for trying to move on with my life? I don’t fucking think so.
“An excuse implies I did something wrong, and I think we both know that’s not the case. You may not like it, but that doesn’t make it wrong,” I say with a calm I don’t actually feel. “You have no right to dictate how I live my life. You gave up that right the second you cast me out like yesterday’s trash. I’m not good enough to be a part of your life? Of your children’s lives? Fine. Then let me move on.”
“God, Sara, I didn’t cast you out, damn it! I don’t want to spend another fucking second without you. Look, I said all of those terrible things out of anger and fear. I wish I could take all of it back, I swear. My temper got the best of me, and I have no excuse for hurting you that way. I’m so damn sorry I lashed out at you like that. I was so angry with Celia for pushing Lily and Gage on you when I wasn’t sure you were ready. Don’t you get it?” Adam cocks his head to the side and searches my eyes for understanding. “I was afraid you’d meet my kids and feel overwhelmed with the enormity of my family—my responsibility. I was terrified you’d leave me. I knew I needed to introduce you to them, but I kept delaying it, hoping for more time. I didn’t want you to think of us as some insta-family that was being pushed on you. I kept stalling because I wanted everything to be perfect. I couldn’t fuck it up. And it turns out that waiting was the worst fuck up of all.”
I see the sincerity in Adam’s eyes, and I want to believe him. I need to believe him. His explanation is obviously more appealing than the alternative—that I’m temporary and not important or worthy enough to be welcomed into his family. Celia, Caroline, and Cain have made the cut, but not me.
I know what I have to do to settle things between us, but I don’t know if I’m ready. Can I tell him the truth when I know he’s believed the lie all along? It should be easy to tell him I’m not the bitch he thinks I am, right? I’ve spent so long hiding the truth, but I’ve also protected myself with the lie. I’ve told myself it doesn’t matter what people think because they don’t know what really happened. But when I lay everything on the table and I’m exposed, Adam’s appraisal of me will take on a new importance. I may not have cheated on Mason, but my actions caused him a great deal of pain. There’s no denying that fact. I can’t pretend to be innocent, and I’m definitely not the victim.
“Did you let him touch you? Did he kiss you? Did he—” Adam runs his hand over his face and then grips his hair. “Fuck!”
His anguish breaks through my internal musings and pierces my heart. Unable to bear the distance any longer, I rush toward him and kneel on the step below. I gently place my hands on his knees. He flinches at the contact, and I fight the urge to shy away from him.
“No, Adam, it wasn’t anything like that. We’re just friends, okay. Nothing happened, I promise.” I dislodge his hands from his hair.
His frustration is palpable, but I don’t back down. He shakes his head and sighs loudly. “I’m trying to be a patient man, Sara, and give you the time you need. But the waiting is fucking killing me. And now, thinking about you on a date with another fucking guy?” Adam pushes off the step to standing, breaking contact with me.
“It wasn’t really a date, Adam. We spent half the night talking about you, okay?” I expel an exasperated sigh and stand to meet Adam’s eyes. “Marlo and Alex were pushing me to go to the barbeque, but I couldn’t bear the thought of being in the same room with you and not being with you, ya know? I couldn’t just sit home, either. I need to be around people, and James is just a friend.”
“Look, after everything went down last year, I shut down. I turned into myself. I fell into a dark hole and shut out everything and everyone. I just can’t do that again. I don’t think I’ll recover from it.” I fight to hold back the tears as I plead with him to understand.
Adam’s forehead drops to mine as he takes hold of my shoulders to keep me close. Our breath intermingles, and the air surrounding us ignites. His smell, his touch, his eyes inundate my senses.
“I don’t want that for you. That’s the last thing I would ever want to happen. Please, don’t fall into yourself. Fall into me, Sara. Because God knows I’ve fallen into you.”
His words paralyze me, and my breath catches in my chest. In this moment, his love feels like a living thing that surrounds me, fills me, heals me. The tears I’ve been fighting fall unchecked down my cheeks.
“You have to forgive me, Sara. You just have to; the alternative is too unbearable to even think about. There’s nothing we can’t move past. What happened tonight, what happened a year ago? None of it changes how I feel about you. I want you in my life. I want you in our lives.”
The gravity of his words isn’t lost on me. Our lives. No other words could sound more beautiful. No other words could be more healing.
“I want that more than anything, Adam. God, I can’t tell you how much I want that. My head just needs a minute to catch up. I have some things to work through. I have things to tell you, things you’ll have to accept about me so we can move forward, but I don’t know if I’m ready yet. I know you say none of it matters to you, but it matters to me. Please be patient with me. I’m getting there, I promise.”
“Okay.” Adam lifts his head from mine, but doesn’t break eye contact. The brilliant blue of his eyes stands out in stark contrast to the black of his pupils.
“Okay,” he repeats with more resolve. “Fuck, who am I kidding? I’ll wait forever for you, Sara.”
Adam places a lingering kiss on my cheek, and I intuitively lean into his touch. His nose traces the curve of my neck, and I inhale the familiar and delicious scent of him. My Adam. “Head inside and lock your door so I know you’re safe.”
“Okay,” I say softly. Fuck, when did I become so eloquent? The man makes my knees
weak by professing love and family, and I can’t string two words together.
As I cross the threshold, Adam’s voice prompts me to turn around. “Hey, I’m playing open mic night tomorrow at The Courtyard. It would mean a lot to me if you’d show.”
I can sense the vulnerability in his request. “Of course I’ll be there. Absolutely.”
For the first time tonight, a smile lights up his face.
“So, how’d you find me? This place is kind of off the beaten path,” Cain asks.
“Yeah, you could say that again. Is this where you plan on putting your double wide and your donkey when you settle down with the little wifey?” I joke, hoping to break the ice.
I got an early start this morning with every intention of finding Cain to clear the air. He wasn’t at his apartment, so I called Celia. She said Cain spends most Saturday mornings fishing at his pond. After getting directions from her, I made the thirty-minute trek to every country boy’s dream fishing hole.
Century-old water oaks are scattered about the edges of the pond, offering shade and beautiful scenery. Isolated at the end of a very long and somewhat treacherous dirt road, the only sounds are the lapping of the water and the chirping of the birds. There is a small boat tied at the end of a weather-beaten wooden wharf, but it looks as if Cain has decided to fish right off the shore today.
“Don’t get smart with me this morning, girly. I’m still mad at you,” Cain says in warning, but I detect a hint of amusement behind his words, and I can’t deny that it comforts me.
“Don’t get your knickers in a twist, big boy. I spoke with Adam last night. You’re services are no longer needed,” I joke good-heartedly.
“Oh, I assure you, my services are always needed,” he says with a flirtatious grin. “Seriously, I’m glad to hear it. I wanted to shake some sense into you when I saw you at the restaurant last night, but it seems that Adam took care of that for me. It’s about time you two worked this thing out.”
Hope Over Fear (Over #1) Page 22
