by Ivy Smoak
He watched me as I swallowed the pill and chased it with a sip of water. It was unnerving when he watched me. I cleared my throat as I lifted the aluminum foil to get a look at the casserole he had made beneath. I didn’t remember buying this pan either. But then again, my memory was clearly fuzzy. I felt more alert without my prescriptions. Or maybe I just didn’t realize I had that pan because I rarely cooked.
I leaned forward and inhaled a whiff of the casserole. Mmm. Definitely lasagna. Even though I had just devoured a hamburger and fries, my stomach growled again. Apparently one meal didn’t make up for three missed ones. “Landscaper and chef? That’s an impressive pairing. You’re a man of many surprises.”
He laughed and sat down beside me, pulling my foot back on his lap. “No, I wouldn’t call myself a chef. Your friend just dropped it off.”
“My friend?” My voice sounded strangled. What friend? I had no friends in this godforsaken neighborhood.
“Yeah. Must have been the one you called the other day. She seemed nice enough. Asked if you were feeling better.”
“What was her name?”
“I think it started with a K.” He scratched the back of his neck as he stared at me. He lowered his eyebrows slightly at the horrid expression on my face. “Or maybe not. It could have started with a C? No?” He shrugged his shoulders. “Regardless, she was nice. She had blonde hair…”
He was searching for something else to say. But all I could think about was the fact that he had answered my door. To a stranger. No. This can’t be happening. “You talked to her?” I buried my face in my hand. It felt like my whole world had teetered and was about to tip.
“Yeah. I told her I was helping you out while your ankle healed.”
Panic raked through my body. There was only one blonde nosy enough to stop by my house. Freaking Charlotte Hallady. I wanted to tell him to leave. To get the hell out of my house. I wanted to yell and scream and throw things. But the damage was already done. I swallowed down the lump in my throat. The action made a weird squeaking noise.
“Addy, what’s wrong?” He moved one of his hands off my foot and placed it on the side of my knee.
“You can’t answer my door to strangers while I’m showering upstairs. Do you have any idea how that looks?”
He smiled. “She’s hardly a stranger. She said she was your friend…”
“That woman is not my friend. Don’t you realize what you’ve done?” I lowered my voice slightly. “I was upstairs naked. She’s probably going to tell everyone I’m sleeping with you.”
“That doesn’t sound like the worst thing in the world to me.”
I was suddenly very away of his hand lingering on my knee. He wants to sleep with me? I gulped. He wants to sleep with me. It was like every one of my dreams coming true. But I couldn’t get rid of the strangled feeling in my throat.
“What was her name?” he asked. “Maybe I can pay her a visit and…”
“Please do not engage with Charlotte Hallady. She’ll be the death of both of us.” I meant what I said. My tone was completely serious.
But he laughed. He found the whole thing humorous.
“I’m serious, Ben.”
“Addy.” His hand slid up the outside of my thigh as he leaned toward me. “I told her I was helping you out while your ankle healed. She already seemed to know about your injury. Hence the lasagna. I don’t think she’s a big bad wolf out to get you. She truly seemed concerned.”
“You don’t understand how catty the women in this neighborhood are. Everyone on my street probably thinks we’re having a scandalous affair.”
“I hardly think it would classify as scandalous.”
I knew he didn’t know the truth. And I wasn’t ready to tell him yet. “You’re 23,” I said instead.
“Age is just a number. The only thing that really matters is that we’re both adults. Don’t you agree?”
I snapped my fingers, ignoring him. “I’ll go to their stupid bi-monthly civic association meeting next week and clear the air.”
“There’s a bi-monthly civic association meeting? I had no idea.”
I waved my hand dismissively. “You’re not part of the neighborhood. Of course you didn’t know.”
“Wow. Is there some sort of initiation I’m unaware of?”
“Ben, stop it, this is important. It’s on Wednesday night. I’ll just have to pray that she can keep her stupid mouth shut until then.” There was a whole weekend before that. A huge stretch of time for gossip. It was likely the entire town would know the rumors by Wednesday. But it was the only plan I had. I couldn’t exactly call her. I didn’t have the woman’s number. I didn’t have any of the gawkers’ numbers.
“Okay,” he said and let his hand fall from my knee. “You’ll go to the meeting and then what? Make an official decree that we’re not banging?” Humor danced in his eyes. And his dimple was back. I didn’t think I could ever hate his beautiful face, but I did for a second.
“Of course not. Mentioning that would just make it more incriminating. I’ll tell everyone you…that you’re my…gardener.”
He rose his eyebrow. “Really? That’s your grand plan? That just makes it seem like you’re paying me to sleep with you.”
Ugh. He was right.
“And trust me, Addy, you wouldn’t have to pay me.”
“Yeah right.” I couldn’t hide my gulp, though. He was looking at me in the most intense way. If I was standing my knees would be weak. Either way, he was definitely weakening my resolve. “You should probably go. Before you have a chance to answer more doors and make the hole I’m in any deeper.”
He smiled. “If that’s what you really want.” An awkward silence stretched between us. He exhaled slowly.
I had the strangest urge to lean forward and inhale his exhales.
You’re welcome by the way,” he said. “For lunch.”
“Yeah. Thanks.” Please leave.
He laughed and stood up, gingerly resting my foot back down on the chair. “Keep ice on that. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Saturday. “No. I mean, you can’t…” my mind searched for anything to say. Any excuse that didn’t sound insane.
“I thought you agreed that I could help you. Or be your gardener. Or whatever you’d like to call this.” He was smiling, but it almost looked like he was begging to come back. Like he couldn’t resist not seeing me for a day.
“I do want your help, but you can’t come this weekend.”
“Big plans?”
“You could say that. Monday. Please. Just…come back on Monday.” My eyes darted to the clock on the wall and suddenly it felt like I was out of time. It was nearly 3 o’clock. I only had a few hours left.
“Okay.”
“Promise me you won’t come back until Monday.”
“I promise,” he said with a laugh. “Until Monday then.” He started walking toward the front hall.
“No! I mean, could you leave out the back? I don’t want anyone else to see you.”
“You do realize how this looks?” he said as he backtracked and opened up the back door. “Me sneaking out the back of your house in shame?”
It made it look like we were having an affair. It just further validated the rumors that were certainly spreading at that very moment. “Fine. Go out the front door then.”
“It’s okay. I won’t mind the rumors.” He winked at me and went down the back stairs without another word.
I pushed the ice off my leg and hopped over to the back door. I couldn’t resist pushing aside the curtains. Even the back of his head was handsome. I watched him as he disappeared into the woods. And I couldn’t help but wonder if he had the same fears as me. I let the curtain fall back to place. Of course he didn’t. Someone would be able to hear him scream. Someone would come to his rescue. I double locked the door. But it wouldn’t be me.
Chapter 9
I emptied the dustpan into the trash and froze. There was nothing in the trash bin except for the dust.
I tipped it closer toward me. It had been filled to the brim yesterday, hadn’t it? I nodded to myself even though I was alone. Definitely. I always took the trash out on Friday afternoons when I got everything else ready.
Had Ben taken out my trash? Who came to someone’s house without an invitation and took out their trash? What else had he done? I looked around the spotless kitchen.
I pushed the trash bin back into place. God, I don’t have time for this. I could thank him later. I hopped back to the laundry room, hung the dustpan on its hook, and glanced at my watch. 5:37. I only had a few minutes left. But everything was set. Perfect timing.
I wiped my hands on the front of my pants. Crap. I looked down at my yoga pants. Not quite perfect timing. I had to change.
The stairs were even more difficult now that my arms were tired from scrubbing everything for the past two hours. And I wished that Ben was still here. I immediately dismissed the thought. I needed to stop dreaming of his arms around me. I needed to just…stop. Ben wasn’t mine. He’d never be mine.
I rubbed my palm halfway up the stairs. Why did my body ache for his touch so desperately? I remembered the feeling of his fingers on the back of my hand. It wasn’t in my imagination. There was a spark. And by the way he was acting, he felt it too. He wanted me back. How had I let this happen?
I looked back down at my watch. Only five more minutes. I held back the tears as I slowly climbed up the steps one at a time. It took every ounce of willpower not to collapse once I reached my bedroom. I was exhausted again. It felt like I could sleep another 24 hours straight.
5:43. There was no time left to change. I crawled into the room and opened the top drawer of my nightstand. I picked up the rings. They always felt so damn heavy. But today, they felt even heavier than usual. I slid them onto my finger and stared down at the diamond that was way too big. At the time, I didn’t understand it’s extravagance. I sighed and closed the drawer.
Maybe he wouldn’t come home. All it took was one careless driver. One text. One drink. One. Single. Slip. It seemed so simple. If only I was so lucky.
The sound of the front door unlocking made me cringe. I pulled myself onto the bed. I was injured. I’d feign rest. I pushed down the covers to try to pretend I’d been in bed for awhile.
“Adeline! I’m home!”
His voice made all the hairs on the back of my neck rise. Home? This was never a home. He had made sure of that. All my energy was sapped by just the idea of him, let alone his presence. I heard his feet on the stairs and squeezed my eyes shut. Leave me be.
“Babe?”
Babe. An affectionate name that didn’t belong anywhere in this house. Vomit rose in the back of my throat and I did my best to swallow it down.
His steps drew closer and the bed sagged beneath his weight. “Adeline.” He gently touched the side of my face.
I groaned and turned away from him.
His fingers didn’t move with me, and they dug into my jaw. Just a tiny bit. Just enough that they’d wake me if I had been asleep. Just enough to make it feel like my heart stopped beating. He didn’t believe my act. That much was clear. This wasn’t the way to start a whole weekend of him.
I slowly opened my eyes. Every time he came back from his business trips, I was always surprised to remember how handsome he was. His dark hair and eyes, his sharp jaw, and his perfectly kissable lips were all breathtaking. It was no wonder I fell for him so hard. I was naïve. I didn’t realize love was a game. I trusted him. I trusted him with everything. And I lost the game. Because I knew better than anyone that it was what was on the inside that counted.
It should have been natural to miss him. He was my husband. I was supposed to be a loving wife, missing him, wanting him. I always counted the minutes until he returned home to me. But it wasn’t because I missed him. It was because I was dreading his return.
I forced the corners of my mouth to turn up. “Oh. You’re back. Welcome home, honey.” Vile. The taste of vomit was back in my throat. I reached out my hand and ran it along his forearm. His dress shirt was stiff. It made me think of the soft fabric of Ben’s t-shirt.
“What are you doing in bed, babe?” His fingers drifted to the side of my neck. I could feel his wedding band against my skin. A sham. It was all a sham. I had lost the game. But for some damn reason it wouldn’t end. I couldn’t make it stop.
I let my hand fall from his arm and gestured to my foot. “I twisted my ankle on my run.”
The look of concern on his face made me want to laugh. “We should probably get you to the doctor.”
“No.” I kept my voice even. No more doctors. No more drugs. Even though I was exhausted, I finally felt like myself again. I didn’t feel numb. His hand paused on the strap of my tank top and I kept the smile plastered to my face. I felt everything. For a moment I wanted to be numb again. I didn’t want to feel his touch. I didn’t want to be here. “I took some Advil. And I’ve been icing it. It’ll be fine in a few days.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to go to the doctor? You look exhausted.”
I laughed it off. “It’s nothing serious.” But it did hurt. It hurt and I missed the way Ben had taken care of me. For just one moment, I had felt almost loved. How quickly such a feeling could fade.
“Okay. I won’t push it.” His fingers toyed with the strap of my tank top. “I can whip us up something for dinner. Are you hungry?”
I saw no reason to delay the inevitable. I felt like an actress. Like I was performing a role I wasn’t quite ready to play. But I had no choice. I had already been cast. I batted my eyelashes. “No, I’m not hungry. I missed you.” I grabbed his hand and let him lower the strap he had been touching.
“I missed you too, Adeline. One day, I won’t have to travel as much.” He leaned down and kissed the side of my neck as he continued to pull the fabric down my arm. “One day soon.”
One day soon? The words echoed in my head. It felt like my world was collapsing. What did he mean by one day soon?
I closed my eyes tight and tried to pretend Ben was the one climbing on top of me. Ben would be gentle. He’d be loving. And he’d never be mine. Because I’d never be able to escape my husband. Never.
Chapter 10
I pushed the kale around with my fork. It was bland and lifeless. It was almost like I was staring at the vegetable equivalent of myself. I wanted another burger and greasy goodness. I never minded the diet before. But now that I had met Ben, I felt different. I wanted to break the rules. I wanted a freaking brownie.
“Adeline.”
My eyes snapped to his. The look on his face made it seem like he had been trying to get my attention. “Sorry, what did you say?”
He smiled. “How was your week?”
“It was fine.”
“Just fine? Nothing out of the ordinary?”
My heart rate accelerated. He knows. He had only just arrived back to town. Had the gossip already spread so far? I set my fork down. I wasn’t hungry for vegetables anyway. I needed to nip anything he had heard in the bud. “Actually, I hired a new gardener.”
“What was wrong with the last one?”
He didn’t seem suspicious. It’s not like it would be the first time I had fired someone. “He didn’t mow the lawn in straight lines. You know how that bothers me.” My lie was stupid. Fortunately for me, I had grown to be quite the perfectionist. So at least it was believable. But with my mind less foggy, I doubt I’d notice whether a line was straight. Pieces of dust on the mantle didn’t even seem to bother me anymore. I had done the worst cleaning of my life and it had nothing to do with my hurt ankle. I just suddenly realized I didn’t care. My knee had stopped bouncing. I had stopped obsessing. The medicine was what had been causing me to be OCD. And the prescription they had given me to combat my OCD made me anxious. And the anxiety medication... I let my thoughts trail off. None of it mattered.
“You seem different today,” he said.
“Do I?” It was a strange turn of conversation. I t
hought he’d question me about the new gardener. But he didn’t seem suspicious at all. Well, maybe he was a little suspicious of me. He was staring at me peculiarly. Almost like he was studying me.
He smiled again. I hated when he smiled. “You seem…I don’t know…lighter.” He laughed. “Not in a weight way. Just in a mood way. Maybe that new depression medicine you started taking is finally kicking in. You’re feeling good?”
“Mhm.” I took a huge sip of my glass of water and my throat made a weird noise. I didn’t want him to be analyzing me. For some reason, I wanted him to be questioning me. He should have been firing questions at me about the new help. Not…this. “You know Charlotte Hallady? Well, she was the one that recommended the new landscaping company.”
“I’m glad you’re finally making friends.”
His behavior was infuriating. Be suspicious of me! Ben had been in our house. He had been so close that I could almost taste his skin. I wanted him. I wanted him desperately. But I stayed away. I stayed away because of you. I watched him cut up his steak. I should have just had the damned affair. Apparently he wouldn’t have even cared. I pulled my hands onto my lap and twirled my wedding band around my finger. The most infuriating part was that he clearly didn’t see how suffocated I felt. I was sitting in front of him drowning. Let me leave.
“How often have you been leaving the house?” He took a sip of wine as he stared at me.
I ran my tongue along my bottom lip. I wanted a glass. But I didn’t ask. He’d want to know why I suddenly wanted a drink. And the answer was simple. It will remind me of him. “Just the running in the morning.”
“And that’s when you see Charlotte? On your runs?” Another sip.
I shouldn’t have willed him to ask me questions. I wasn’t ready with the answers. “Oh, and at the civic association meetings of course.”
“When did you start attending those?” He topped off his glass.
Was that his second? Or his third? “It’s important for me to go.” I had only ever been to one since we moved to this neighborhood. But I had already started lying. I couldn’t go back. Besides, I needed to attend the one next week. I needed to bury the rumors before they destroyed everything. “You wanted me to fit in. I’m just doing what you asked.”
