by Stewart, Ann
**My room is 1501. Can you grab me a change of clothes?**
Within seconds I receive a text back.
*Yes, anything specific you want me to grab? I’ll meet you in room 1703.*
**You’re the one taking me out, I trust you’ll find something appropriate.**
*Do you know how hard you just made me? I want you so bad right now. But, talking first.*
I want you too, Alex. Clutching my phone to my chest, my Cheshire cat like grin is unavoidable. What did he think? That I would just accept Oliver’s advances? That’s not even feasible when all I want is him, physically and emotionally. Exiting the elevator, I head to room 1703 with lightening speed.
~~~~~
Ten minutes later I hear a rapping against the door. Pulling it open, Alex stands with my metallic silver sweater dress still on its hanger, dangling from his pointer finger. I blush at his choice. Modest in the front, the back plummets, showing off my shoulders and the indentation of my spine stopping right above the dimples on my lower back. Although warm, the dress is short. Hopefully he’s not taking me somewhere we’ll have to battle the salty ocean breeze for long. I only decided to bring it because I thought it would be easy access for Alex, if we had a successful reunion.
“So this is what you picked, huh?”
Reaching out, I try and take the hanger from his pointed finger, but instead Alex strides towards me, pushing me further into the room. Nuzzling my neck, he wraps his arms around me as my dress drops to the floor. “Happy to see me?” I giggle as Alex nods, moaning as he holds me tighter. I run my fingers through his hair and marinade in his warmth. Not letting go, Alex’s constricting arms envelop me. “Hey, are you okay?”
I try to lean back to look at him, but he remains pressed against me. “I just missed you...that’s all.”
Sighing, I continue to run my fingers through his dark locks, “I’ve missed you, Alex.” After a few more minutes of our silent embrace, his grasp loosens and soon he’s bending down to pick up my fallen dress.
His brow perks up as he hands it over. “You’re kinda clumsy…do you need help changing?”
“I think I’ve got this handled.” Through squinted eyes, I head off towards the adjacent second bedroom.
“Don’t take too long, we have reservations.”
~~~~~
As we arrive at Donovan’s Steakhouse, I immediately feel underdressed. How could I not? Next to me is a stunning blonde with legs for miles. Her black satin cocktail dress is short and shows her small frame and large bust. Not my cup of tea, but it’s nice to know when I peek over at Alex, that it’s not his either. On the other hand, she’s quite impressed with my date. Her ravenous eyes examine every inch of his solid body. I can’t blame her. Even when he’s dressed casually in dark jeans, he looks incredible. His baby blue button up doesn’t do his eyes justice; just slightly unbuttoned at the collar, his muscular chest peeks out from underneath the snug cotton material.
Feeling the need to stake my claim, I reach over and take his hand into mine, smiling up at him sweetly. Alex returns the gesture and kisses me on the forehead. No longer gaping at Alex, the blonde gives me a grin before she goes back to tend to her date. Smiling down at me, he squeezes my hand in reassurance. Can he sense my need to let the world know I possess him, as he possesses me? I hope so.
“You are absolutely beautiful, my Hart. No one compares to you.” Oh, how I missed him calling me that. I snuggle against him, my other hand reaching up to cling to his biceps as we wait patiently to be seated.
The hostess greets us with a warm smile, focusing her attention more on Alex than myself. Will I ever get used to this?
“Reservation for two. Alexander James.”
“Yes, Mr. James, I’ll take you to your private dining area.” Private? The last time we were in a private booth, he ravished me at the table. Is it going to be that kind of night? I wouldn’t mind a little private time with him, in fact I would most definitely prefer it over any type of talking.
Taking us down a narrow corridor, we pass several areas that are sectioned off by deep burgundy drapes. The dark wood paneling accents the deep forest green cushions on the chairs surrounding the tables. With menus in hand, the hostess opens one of the curtained areas, revealing a spectacular view of the ocean, illuminating the sun as it sets in the distance. “I hope this is to your liking?”
“This is perfect,” Alex says in an almost moan, never breaking eye contact with me. Seeing him against this breathtaking backdrop, I can’t…breathe. I don’t know how much more my heart can take. Still deep in a trance, he walks over to pull out my chair. If not for the seduction in his eyes, and his agreement to start over, I would’ve felt slightly nervous sitting down next to him. Instead, I’m anxious.
The waiter enters to take our drink order. Not wasting any time, Alex orders an appetizer, along with dinner and a nice bottle of wine. Explaining further, he requests for us to not be bothered. Remaining indifferent, the waiter nods and vanishes behind the curtain. Food is the last thing I’m concerned with, so I’m not surprised that I can’t even remember what he ordered.
Toying with the flute of his water glass, he seems uneasy. I guess this is the moment where we have the “talk.” Avoiding eye contact, I fidget with the edge of the table cloth that rests just above my thighs. Even though this isn’t my conversation to start, I have to say something…anything to break the angst in his face.
“Is this where you tell me you want to see other people?”
Alex cocks his head. “What? Why would I want that?”
I shrug my shoulders. “Something’s off. You’re different right now compared to how you were earlier. You’re going to say something that I probably don’t want to hear.”
“I told you we needed to talk. I’ve been thinking about this conversation all day. I just need you let me get this out and not say anything.” I nod in agreement, but my anxiety almost cripples me. Gripping the table cloth, I close my eyes and brace for the impact.
“Ever since the fundraiser, I’ve had Cole’s voice repeating in my head. I may have kicked the shit out of him, but the bomb he planted in my head is far worse. I’m constantly thinking about his hands on your body, his mouth on yours, you moaning his name. I feel like I’m going crazy.” Alex’s jaw tenses as tears pool in my eyes. This conversation is not starting off the way I expected. What happened to “I miss you,” or “I’m sorry for turning into the Hulk and destroying your best friend slash ex-boyfriend. Can we start over again?”
How could he still believe Cole? “Alex, I never…”
Holding up his hand, Alex urges me to stop. “Just let me get this out.” I nod as I swallow back the lump growing in my throat.
“I know I fucked up when I stayed away from you. I needed those four days to get my head out of my ass and figure out how I felt about you. And, right when we were back on track, when I was the happiest I’ve ever been, Cole came in and fucked it up. Elyssa, when he said he had been with you…” he pauses, closing his eyes as he takes a deep breath. “He made me question every moment we’ve had; every moment that I thought I’d found happiness.”
I clutch the table cloth as I blink back the tears that brim my eyes.
“Even sitting with you here…I’m so fucking livid that I can’t think straight. You were mine, even if we weren’t officially together, in my heart I had already claimed you! I don’t regret what I did to him; he deserved it…for making me doubt you and for what he did to you. He’s fucking lucky that I didn’t know then what I know now…” His voice trails off as he picks at the gauze wrapped around his knuckles.
“I don’t even remember the entire fight. I just remember that smug look on his face and him running his finger underneath his nose. After that…I lost it. The next thing I remember was you. You threw yourself on top of him, giving me the only reason to stop.”
Shaking his head, Alex dredges up painful memories of his past. “The last time I felt that enraged was when I put my dad
in the hospital. He showed up at my mother’s funeral, pushed Nana, and I went ballistic. Same thing…everything went black and the next thing I remember was being pulled off of his lifeless body.”
My thoughts go back to the conversation I had with Cole, when he told me about Alex being dangerous. Not that violence is okay, but it’s a relief to know it wasn’t some random person he beat up. He hurt the man who abused his mother for years, who then had the audacity to lay a finger on Nana. No, it wasn’t right, but I can’t blame him.
“I know I was an asshole to you when you showed up at Red Rock, but I wasn’t thinking clearly. I went there because I needed a moment to think things through before I saw you again. When you broke down, I desperately wanted to go to you, but my pride wouldn’t let me. And when you left, I was miserable. I spent the whole night thinking about you, about us, about what Cole had said. Before I knew, the sun was coming up and I couldn’t function without knowing you got home okay. I know I had no right, but in my moment of weakness, I sent you that text.” I recall the lonesome first clue, the one that gave me hope that he still cared.
“Then there was Monday; not my finest moment. I’m sorry you heard my outburst at Maggie. It was in the moment. I felt rushed because I still hadn’t figured out what I wanted to do. On one hand, I was happy you’d be here with me and not with him. But, I still didn’t know if I could be with you.” The dreadful words that I never wanted to hear. I hang my head in despair; pushing back the sobs that have been building the moment he began to speak.
“But then you brought me the basket with your letter. Knowing that you took the time to tell me how you feel, you tried reaching me even when I was unreachable. Reading your letter, everything came back into perspective for me.”
Unable to remain silent, my words shoot out to plead my case. “Alex, you know how I feel for you.” My strength disappears and tears escape my eyes, trailing down my cheeks. I look up into his face. His brows are furrowed, not giving anything away. The anticipation is killing me. Does he want to be with me or not?
“The problem I’m having is that I can’t get the thought of you with Cole out of my head.” Running his hand through his hair, he settles his palm on the back of his neck. This is it, he’s really ending it. “But, as much as this is breaking me, I can’t let you go…I just can’t.” My lips quiver as I finally take a breath.
“Please don’t let me go, Alex. I promise you…” Once again, he interrupts me, only holding up one finger this time. I close my mouth, but all I want is to shout to the world.
“I had an epiphany today, and at the oddest moment. When Oliver was trying to get into your pants…” I look down, suddenly feeling ashamed of the whole situation. Alex had thoughts of Cole making love to me for the past two days and here I was playfully flirting with a man in front of him. I might have done more damage without recognizing the repercussions.
“I realized there will always be someone trying to get between us. First, because you are absolutely beautiful, and second because someone will always feel they deserve you more than I do. Even if he didn’t realize I was your boyfriend, this was direct insight into how other men perceive the value of love. To them, it’s all about sex and self gratification. I’m emotionally invested, so of course, I have more to lose.”
I stare at Alex as he’s suddenly the one looking insecure. Silence grows between us and I need him to know he deserves me just as much as I deserve him.
“We suffer from the same infliction apparently. You are transparent to the way women look at you and I’m oblivious to all other men, because all I see is you. You have to realize that it’s only you, Alex. I’ve never felt this way for anyone else, including Cole. He lied! Can’t you see that?”
“I’m not transparent; I just don’t care what other women think. As long as I have you, there will never be another.” His face still shows doubt, as he ignores my plea. What he says next is the last thing I expected.
“This brings me to the purpose of our talk. Elyssa, I don’t care if you think he’s your friend, that fucker is toxic. His friendship is based on his sexual attraction to you, and his need to control you. Not to mention that he hit you. So, at this point, it’s either me or him. You need to make your choice.”
Looking at him, I’m shocked. With his arms crossed, Alex remains stone-faced waiting for my decision. “Choice?!” Is he really asking me to choose between him and Cole? I’ve never been given an ultimatum and I’m not sure if I like it. I’ve heard other women talk about similar situations; picking between friendship and love. But, never in a million years, would I have imagined being involved in such a battle.
“That was a long time ago. He didn’t mean to…”
“Are you serious? Are you really going to continue and try to makes excuses for him?”
“No Alex, what I’m saying is that he was drunk, and the abuse only happened one time. He didn’t touch me before that, and he hasn’t touched me since.”
“Fuck that! I refuse to sit back and watch him continue to hurt you; emotionally or physically. If you choose him, I’m gone. I watched my mother deal with her abuser for years and I’m not doing it again. And as much as I would hate it if you chose him, I promise to respect your decision.”
Contemplating the choice he’s given me, I glance over the table and search for a sign in the all too distant clouds. I blink a few times, realizing the weight of what he’s asking. Alex’s troubled past allows no leniency for Cole’s indiscretions. Regardless of the fact that Cole was not in his sound mind when he hit me, Alex could care less.
Alex leans in closer, reaching for my hand. “What are you thinking?” I pull away.
“You make it seem like I’ve been abused for all of these years. It wasn’t that way. I’m not weak, Alex!” My voice rises for a moment before I catch myself. “We were both young and we made mistakes. I just chose to forgive him instead of hating him for the rest of my life.”
“What scares the living hell out of me is just the fact that he’s capable of it Elyssa. If he did it once, what would stop him from doing it again? And, what if next time it’s not his baby you’re carrying, what if it’s mine? I can’t take any chances.” Wait, what? His baby…
It’s my turn for an epiphany. Alex’s ultimatum is only out of concern for me, for our future. Not out of jealousy, or rage. Okay, maybe that too, but it’s because he wants to protect me; the way he couldn’t protect his mother. With a better understanding of Alex’s trepidation, the choice is no longer difficult.
My heart wants him. I want him safe. I worry about him just as much as he worries about me. I’m willing to give him that assurance and make the choice that was inevitable from the start. The difference now, is that I understand the choice instead of feeling it was a necessity to be with him. Tears brim over as I wipe them away with the back of my hand. “Alex, it’s not even a choice. I want you.”
“You realize what this means? He’s out of your life...for good.”
With a weightless energy, calm spreads over my heart as I assert my decision. “Like I said, it’s not even a choice. Cole has been in my life for a long time and as much as I’d like to keep him there…I know you’re right. He’s caused more grief than anything and I can’t forget everything that’s happened. He hasn’t been my friend.”
“With that being said, there is one more thing that’s been weighing on my mind.” He pauses, searching for the right words. Leaning forward, Alex reaches for my hand, this time I let him.
“One more thing?! What else could there be, Alex?” I’m drained after our conversation and thought we were done and settled. Now he wants to talk more.
“Yes, Elyssa; one more thing. Please know that I’m not using your past against you, but,” he pauses. But, what Alex? “You not telling Cole about being pregnant…I need to know you would never do that to me.”
I can’t believe he’s bringing that up right now. “What do you mean?” My voice goes soft, feeling slightly embarrassed. It was alr
eady difficult enough to rip myself open once, but to talk about this again. I try to pull my hand away, but he only grips it tighter. Instead, I drop my eyes.
“Look at me, Elyssa.” Waiting patiently, I find the strength to peer into his smoldering blue eyes. “If something happened, I would always want you to talk to me. You can’t just freak out and take matters into your own hands. I have to be included in the decision; we’re in this together.”
“Do you even want kids?” I can’t hide the shock in my voice. This conversation has definitely taken a turn, not for the worse, but so much more than I expected.
“I’m not just talking about kids. I’m talking about everything. No secrets.” I cross my heart and hold my hand up, showing my agreement. “As far as kids,” Alex shrugs, a small smile touching his lips, “I never really thought about it, until….well, until recently.” He releases my hand sitting back in his chair, his gaze focused on the calm waters outside our nearby window.
My heart warms. “You’ve been thinking about kids?” I could picture having a child with him. The baby would be loved and cherished, not only by me, but Alex as well. I’ve seen him with his grandmother, his gentle touch and thoughtfulness; the child would become Alex’s world. I guess I’m not the only one falling. We are both experiencing the vertigo, letting ourselves fall in love with one another.
“Don’t worry. I’m not planning on knocking you up. It’s just that the past few weeks have made me think about the future and what’s possible. You make me think about what a future would be like…with you.” I blush not knowing what to say.
Having just been through an ocean of emotions, I’m thankful for interruption as our dinner arrives. Knowing the worst is over, I realize I’m starving.
We eat in silence. Deep in thought, I glance at Alex. All I’ve wanted was a second chance with him, and now we have it within our grasp. We’ve both had a difficult time over the past few days and deserve some happiness. My happiness just happens to be sitting directly across from me.
“What?” Alex questions, when he realizes I’m day dreaming.
