by Stewart, Ann
“I need to know you will wait for me…I need to know there is still hope you can love me.”
Burying my face in my hands, sobs escape my lips. I’m besieged by visions of Alex and Arianna together; so much that my mind cannot wrap itself around Alex’s plea for continued love.
“That morning I saw you, I wanted you from the start. At work, I saw how lively you were and caring. How sweet you were with Janice. Everyone seemed to take to you. Even though I hate Cole, I saw how protective he was over you. I knew that you deserved something better than what I was. I wanted to be the man you deserved, and knew I couldn’t be with you unless I changed.
“I can’t change my past, Elyssa. Not even for you. I’m not ashamed, because it got me through a really low point in my life. It kept Nana alive, and I can’t regret anything that has kept her with me. I wish things were different, but they’re not. I just hope you can accept me for the man you fell in love with, not the man I was.”
I can’t believe he was a whore…well, maybe not a whore, what do you call a male prostitute? A gigolo? Fuck! I can’t help the laugh that escapes my lips. My boyfriend was/is a fucking gigolo! “You had regulars…do you know how pretentious that sounds? How many were there? You must have been real good to have regulars, and referrals.” Who am I kidding? I know how good he is. Stop!
“Stop it, Elyssa! All you’re doing is looking at my past. Start looking at the present, and what I’m telling you now. I love you. I have never loved anyone but you. I stopped seeing Arianna for you. This is the first time I have put my life before my career, and made Arianna see that I can’t be with her. I invited you into my life and introduced you to Nana. I have never been faithful to anyone but you.”
“These are just words, Alex.” Words I so desperately want to be true, but how can I trust what he’s saying to me. “How do I know that you’re telling me the whole truth? How do I know that you aren’t still fucking women for money?”
“Because I am fucking telling you the truth, Elyssa! I would never do that to you. I have never lied to you, and I’m not lying now.” Exasperated, he tries to contain his anger, but it’s seeping through and I know this conversation needs to end soon. I need to get out of here, away from him, so I can digest all his shit.
Looking everywhere but at him, I don’t know how to feel. Stay strong, Ely! “I don’t know Alex; this is a lot to take in. It’s hard for me to look at you, and not see her. All I picture is you and Arianna…in the same kitchen, the same bedroom, the same bathroom, where you and I…” I can’t even finish the sentence before more heartbreaking sobs escape me.
“I thought you loved me for me. If you did, you would see through all this bullshit. I am telling you the truth. I didn’t love her. I am not, and have not, been in any kind of relationship with her, sex or otherwise, since I met you.
“I’ve gotten over some major hurdles with you and your past. Why can’t you even pretend to think about getting over mine? Hell, I even stayed with you after Cole said he loved you and that he was still fucking you. Has anyone ever told you I’m fucking someone else?” His anger is reaching the surface and I don’t like angry Alex. His question doesn’t even deserve a response. He knows my past, so to even compare, that’s low.
“Alex I need space; time so I can think about everything and figure out what I want. I need you to give it to me.”
“You don’t want me anymore,” his anger is replaced by sadness as he looks away.
“Look at me,” as I await his blue eyes, I resolve something inside that I already knew, but was too timid to admit. “I didn’t say that. I’ll always want you. It’s just that I don’t know if I can get over something like this. You’ve given me a lot to think about.”
Alex reaches up with his left hand, brushing his fingers against my cheek. I cannot fight the need to reciprocate the gesture and bring my hand up to rest on his. “I’m sorry, Elyssa. I’m sorry my past disgusts you. I’m sorry I’m not the man you thought I was…” Alex trails off, removing his hand from my cheek, balling them into fists.
“I should go.” Standing, I place my hands in my pockets, protection against myself to not reach back and grab him, to make him make me stay. As I approach my car door, I grasp the handle, pausing momentarily. Troubled by the recent conversation, I say his name and he stands up in response, hope in his eyes.
“You know before this…I would have stayed with you forever.”
~~~~~
Lying in my bed awake, I’m unable to fall asleep no matter how emotionally drained I am. A concoction of thoughts keeps replaying in my head: Alex, touching, kissing, making love to other women and then thoughts of him saying I love you, reacquainting my body with sexual pleasure, and San Diego. My heart is truly torn between self preservation and love. Can I let go of the only man I’ve ever loved? His mistakes of the past are exactly that, in the past; except for his last conquest, Arianna. The mother figure who has been in and out of my life since I was a child, my mother’s best friend, and now my boss.
Restless, I stay awake staring at the ceiling, tears streaming down my face as I contemplate my future. It’s late and I should be asleep, instead I pull my comforter around my neck and sob silently, remembering a day when I rarely shed any tears. Before my misguided decision to let him in, I prided myself on being a self-assured, strong woman. Being with Alex, being one with my emotions, is probably one of the hardest life lessons. Growing up without parents. Growing up and almost becoming a parent. Why not add one more to the list? Growing up knowing I’d let my one true love get away.
The buzz of my cell phone interrupts my thoughts as I glance at my bedside table and see Alex’s face flashing before me. I know if I try and avoid his phone calls, he’ll just continue to call or worse, he may show up. I answer, not only to avoid further conflict, but I’m hoping the sound of his voice is the cure to my insomnia.
“Hi,” his voice is low and somber. “I didn’t know if you’d answer.” He pauses for a moment, letting his erratic breathing calm. “I was just lying here, thinking of you, thinking of us, and I needed to know you were okay. That, and since you’re not here, I can’t sleep.”
“I can’t sleep either.” I miss you. Holding back the threatening tears, and the words I want to say so badly, I cup my hand over my mouth.
“I miss you.” God, why is this so hard. I miss him so much it hurts. The pain of avoidance is more than my heart can bear. “I wish I was there.”
“I don’t know what to say, Alex. I’m confused and I need time. I just can’t brush this off. I know me…I know if I just give in and say how I feel, in the long run I’ll still wonder about us; about my decisions and actions at this exact moment.”
“How do you feel?”
“Alex please…you know how I feel.”
“I’m not so sure right now. I don’t know how to function without you anymore. I don’t know what’s going through your head. I told you more than I’ve ever told anyone. The same reason I didn’t want to tell you is the same reason you don’t trust me. I’m the same man that I was yesterday, the same one that you made love to and the same man who told you he loves you. You have to believe in that!”
“I do, and I believe you love me. Just…I need time. A few hours isn’t enough. Maybe while you’re in New York I will gain some perspective. I just don’t know Alex.” He has to give me this. He has to know that this is so far out of my comfort zone that I don’t know how to deal.
“I don’t want you going to lunch with Oliver tomorrow. I don’t want him thinking that you’re going to open your legs for him. I know him, Elyssa, and he is that kind of guy.”
“Ha…now you’re making me out to be the whore? Remember Alex, you are only the second man I’ve been with. What am I, like the two hundredth?
“That was below you. Just because you’re inexperienced, don’t put your insecurities on me. I know what I want, and I want you. I’m secure in that. Don’t ever question where my loyalty lies.”
�
��Alex, how can I not question everything that comes out of your mouth? I don’t know what to believe anymore.”
Silence. I want nothing more than to curl up in a ball and rock myself to sleep. I don’t know how much more I can handle of this…of him. I love him so much, but what he’s done, and continues to do, is too much. I can’t live in a world where I second guess everything he says and does. But, can I live in a world where he doesn’t belong to me?
Breaking the silence, Alex interrupts my internal thoughts with his demands. “I need to know Elyssa, and I need to know now. In your heart…are you still taken?”
I hesitate for a moment. “My heart still wants you…but…”
“Just answer the fucking question,” his temper rages. “I have to know I haven’t lost you. I need to know you aren’t going to use Oliver to forget me.”
“Alex, calm down. In my heart I’m still taken. For now. I would never be able to start dating again so quickly after what we were.” Shit! Wrong word choice. I’m just going to lunch with him as a friend.”
“Were? Were is past tense. Are you seriously considering giving up on us?” I can hear him get up, and can almost picture him pacing back and forth contemplating. “I swear Elyssa, I’m not lying to you. I’ve been faithful and I wish you would just fucking believe me. I don’t know what else to do but promise that I won’t keep anything from you ever again.”
Breathing heavily, there’s a pause in our conversation, both of us trying to figure out the right thing to say, without making anything worse. “God, I’m going away for a month…what’s going to happen then?”
“I don’t know, Alex!” raising my voice slightly, tears escape my now swollen eyes. “I don’t know because I wasn’t prepared for this. I thought this month away would be nothing. We would see each other on the weekends and everything would be okay. But now! Even if you weren’t going away, I still wouldn’t know what’s going to happen. I told you, I need time to think. I gave you that, didn’t I?”
“You did and I remember you came after me too. You reminded me about what was important. You asked me to trust you and I’m asking you for the same.” Pausing, Alex inhales a deep breath before exhaling his disappointment. “Don’t you miss me? Don’t you feel anything for me anymore? I know you’re scared. I’m scared too. But I’m willing to work on it because I want you. I love you, Elyssa.”
Not knowing what to say, I remain silent. Alex is right, I am scared. What if there are more dark secrets I don’t know about. How do I know that if I give in, this won’t be a pattern with us? What are we going to do about work? What are we going to do about Arianna? There are so many questions still unanswered.
“Hart….are you there?”
I sigh. I always love when he uses my nickname. “Just thinking,” I mumble.
“I wish I knew what was going on in your head.”
Not knowing where I should go with this, I resort to the truth. “I’m thinking I can’t sleep without you and how much I miss you. I’m so confused, Alex, and I don’t know what to do.”
“I love you, Hart…I always will. In my heart, I’m still taken. No matter what you decide. For now, I’ll give you the space that you need.”
“Thank you.” I love you, too. “Good night, Alex.”
“Good night, my Hart.”
Tears readily flow down my face, as I reach within and smile at his goodbye. I feel more at ease after talking to him and soon my body relaxes, allowing me to close my eyes. My last thoughts are of Alex. I believe him when he says he loves me, but I’m too guarded to let the walls come down. I’m guarded from him. I want to tell him how I feel. I want to assure him everything will be okay, but I can’t say the words if I don’t believe them myself.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Arriving at work, I search for any traces of Alex and am comforted when I don’t see his car in his assigned parking spot, or anywhere else in the garage. In an effort to avoid any emotional confrontations, I head to my desk quickly. Relinquishing my belongings, I check my e-mail, and blow a sigh of relief when I find nothing from Arianna. Hopefully, I can lay low and remain inconspicuous for the rest of the day.
Not my luck. Janice comes bounding towards my desk, all bright eyed and full of spirit. “Hey Elyssa!” She looks at me sideways, probably noticing my abnormal appearance.
“Hi, Janice.”
“You feeling okay?”
“Just a little under the weather.” A little more than that, but it wouldn’t be appropriate to tell her how I’m really feeling. How her boss, good ole Mr. James, is a man whore. Oh, and why don’t we add that his mistress, is her CEO? No, I think I’ll stick with the lies.
“Must be going around. Mr. James arrived late this morning and you know how punctual he usually is.” My poor heart. After our troubling conversation last night he probably didn’t sleep well. Ugh! I hate this back and forth. Pick a side, Ely. Pick a side!
“Must be.” My one word answers must have clued her in that I’m not in the mood to talk. She dismisses herself and strides back towards her office, still as cheery as when she came over.
Completely absorbed in work, I wasn’t aware it was noon until a sudden knocking against my desk causes me to swivel my chair and look behind me. Oliver didn’t forget about our lunch, and for a moment my eyes appreciate his efforts at being a visually appealing lunch date. Dressed down in a pair of khakis and a plain white polo shirt, Oliver’s defined muscles protrude from the cotton material. I never realized how well kept his body was, but then again, it’s hard to pay attention to any man when Alex’s around. Oliver’s hair looks damp, as if he just got out of the shower. With his hands in his pockets, he sways back and forth, always looking casual.
“So…you ready to go?”
Nodding, I grab my purse but notice he’s given me just enough space to squeeze between my desk and his body. Brushing against him, I close my eyes and breathe. “Cute Oliver, very cute.”
He smirks, knowing his exact intentions. “Hey, a guy has to try right?” I can’t help but shake my head and smirk at his playful nature.
Chatting about the day so far, Oliver and I walk towards the elevator to head downstairs. As the elevator opens, my stomach catapults to my throat. There he is, my heart, standing solo in the vacant elevator looking totally disheveled, and utterly disappointed. Trying to swallow past the lump growing in my throat, Oliver nudges me forward as he places his hand on the small of my back. Hesitantly, I board the elevator with Oliver close behind.
“Getting off, James?”
“Uh…actually no, I forgot something in my car.” Standing between Alex and Oliver, the tension radiates and all I want to do is run away.
“Where did you want to go? Your choice since I’m not familiar with the area.”
“Did you have anything in mind? Any preferences?”
“Oh, I have preferences. How about a striking brunette, about 5’7”, beautiful emerald eyes, and a body that could stop traffic,” Oliver jests as he places his hands in his pockets, swaying back and forth, looking at the floor numbers. Must be a nervous twitch that plagues all males, present company included.
“Sorry can’t help you there.” I can’t give in to his humor, or persistence. Especially not in front of Alex. Being quiet the whole ride down, Alex is scaring me. I’ve learned his silence is not to be taken lightly.
Reaching the first floor, the scene plays out in slow motion…Oliver touches the small of my back, trying to lead me out of the elevator. Alex reaches out, grabbing his arm, violently removing it from my body. Both men sandwich me, staring and huffing, effectively halting our departure.
“Really James, you’re going to do this here?” he whispers, calmly.
“Drop it Prescott, before I lay you out on the floor,” Alex threatens, glaring at Oliver over my head.
“I’d like to see you try. I don’t start until Monday, so let’s hash this out now!” Pushing closer, Alex and Oliver are now in each other’s face, with me still
in between.
“STOP!” I demand, pushing them apart. “This is not the time, nor the place. Grow up!” I can’t believe they’re acting like two testosterone raged teenagers. Finally removing themselves from the almost altercation, I sigh. Knowing we can live another day without someone I care about physically getting hurt is enough for me. For now.
“Elyssa, I need to talk to you!” Alex sneers as Oliver rolls his eyes. I know that look, and I don’t want to piss him off even more than he already is. Nor, do I want to hurt him.
“I’ll go bring the car around and meet you out front.” I nod. Alex continues to glare at Oliver as he walks away. Oliver turns before exiting the doors, flipping Alex the bird with a smirk making sure he got the last word in.
Pushing against me, Alex tries to pursue Oliver right out the front door. But I intervene, reminding him that he wanted to talk. “Hey, you said you needed to talk to me. I’m here…not out there.”
His tempter calms as his eyes look down at my concerned face. “God, you’re beautiful.” I smile, suddenly feeling shy. For some odd reason I feel as if I’m a stranger to him.
“Yah right. I look like shit. I think I slept for about two hours.” Looking around, Alex notices that the lobby is vacant. Reaching up he brushes his fingers against my cheek and lips before returning his hands to his pockets.
“You always look beautiful. You could come in here with sweats and your hair pulled up into a scrunchy and I’d still want you.” I blush at the complement.
My wary eyes look up into his tense face. “What did you want to talk about, Alex?”
“I can’t believe you’re going with him. I should be your priority right now. I thought last night when we spoke, I was clear about you not going with him.”
“I told you last night I was going to go. Besides, he just wants to be friends.”
“Don’t be so naïve. He doesn’t want to be friends. Nothing Oliver does is friendly. You are of course his preference, his conquest. Question is…is he yours?”
