by A. O'Connor
Kate was seated at the island in the kitchen on a Sunday morning, thinking about her visit to Amanda Charter. Ever since the meeting, she’d had a strange empty and sad feeling. She had felt this way before. When she had been making a movie, she gave it her all and then when it was finished she felt somehow dissatisfied. And now as she looked around the house she had put so much into, she had that same dissatisfied feeling, made all the more acute after hearing the fate of Clara.
Tony came down the old servants’ stairs that led directly there from upstairs, in his dressing gown.
He bent over and kissed her. “I’m heading to Dublin this afternoon.”
“On a Sunday?” Kate was surprised.
“I’m afraid so. I’ve a couple of people to meet, and I have to be out on site at the mall first thing in the morning.”
She looked at his tired and hassled face and went over to him and hugged him. “Aren’t you overdoing it a bit?”
He laughed dismissively. “I live my life overdoing it!”
“It’s just I thought when we bought this place and moved here you would be able to take it a little easier.”
“I will do once I get over the hurdles with the mall. Promise.”
“But will there always be another shopping mall to build?” She looked at him with a resigned air.
“Will you be all right here on your own?”
“Of course I will.” She smiled at him.
They had breakfast in the kitchen and went for a walk down by the lake, before she waved him off in the early afternoon. Then she took out her favourite horse and rode down to the local village and back. She liked the village at the weekends because everyone was down from Dublin to their holiday homes there. She managed to just get back to the house before it started to rain.
She had a bath in the evening and the rain started to become heavier and soon was pelting against the window as she relaxed in the bath. Afterwards, she came downstairs dressed in jeans and shirt and, opening the security panel on the wall, activated the security system. As she tried to snap out of the deflated feeling she had, she realised she’d had this restlessness for the past few months and it was like she was directing it into Clara and the effort to try to find out what had happened to her. But maybe it was as Amanda Charter had said, she wasn’t happy in her own life. As the rain became heavier and turned into a storm, she closed over the long glamorous drapes in the drawing room and threw some wood and turf on to the fire, watching it turn into a blaze. She then settled back on the sofa.
The rain was lashing down outside and the wind was howling as she looked around the room. As she thought about all she had learned about Clara, she imagined her there in that room, the exact same room just separated by time. The loneliness and despair she must have felt trapped in her loveless marriage. The horror she must have felt at being told she would never be allowed to leave him or the house. And suddenly the house seemed very different to her. It wasn’t a home lovingly restored, an echo from another era, a kinder more elegant era.
The echo was in fact not a nice one. It was an echo of a woman’s misery. And the house had known Clara’s secrets and had kept her secrets. And what other secrets did the house have from other people who had lived there at different times? What else had happened in the house? As she heard thunder outside she suddenly felt herself becoming nervous and wished Tony was there.
Suddenly the lights went out and she was plunged into darkness. She jumped up, scared, and tried to figure out the silhouettes in the darkness. She moved quickly to the door but tripped over something and went flying to the floor. She pulled herself up and carefully felt her way to the door. Opening it, she walked into the hall and tried the light switches there several times before she realised the electricity was gone throughout the house. She looked around the darkness of the hallway and could make out the arched window at the top of the stairs and just about see the rain against it. She thought about going to the kitchen and looking for a torch, but she didn’t want to make her way through the dark corridors that led down there. She could hear a banging somewhere outside like an unbolted stable door. But as she realised the security system would be down, she wondered if it could be somebody trying to break in. She made her way to the sideboard and felt her way around until she found her car keys. Then she went to the front door and unbolted it, and raced out into the night. The rain pelted down on her as she raced across the forecourt to her car and jumped in. She started it up and raced down the avenue.
Minutes later she swung into the driveway of Hunter’s Farm. She jumped out of the car, and ran through the rain and started ringing the doorbell incessantly.
“Who the fuck is it?” demanded Nico as he swung the door open.
Kate jumped into his arms, holding him tightly, looking terrified.
Kate had changed out of her wet clothes and came into the sitting room, wearing a bathrobe.
Nico had a pot of tea waiting and poured her a cup, handing it to her as she sat on the couch.
“Are you all right?” he asked, concerned, sitting opposite her.
“Yes . . . I’m sorry for just barging in on you like this.” She felt embarrassed. “I got so frightened.”
“Frightened of what?”
“The house, I guess. I suppose there’s a reason these big old houses used to have so many servants living in them. It’s not like a normal house where you just run into the kitchen to find a candle. I didn’t fancy that maze of corridors in the darkness to get there.” She sipped her tea.
As he looked at the indomitable Kate, he couldn’t imagine she scared easily, and seeing this new vulnerable side to her was a revelation.
She looked at him. “I managed to track down a relative of Clara Charter’s in London and met her to give her back the letters and photos.”
“You did?” His eyes widened with amazement.
“Yes, eventually. Houses are permanent, people aren’t. The people who live there come and go, but the houses remain, a witness to the lives unfolding there. To the secrets. From what I heard Clara’s life was very difficult in our house. I’ve been dwelling a lot on what she went through and I just caught a fear tonight in the house. A fear of the house bearing testimony to what went on there. And not just Clara, but everyone else who lived there from Lord Edward and Lady Anna onwards. You like to think your house, your home, has only good memories, but that’s not always true.”
“Maybe you’re better off not knowing, Kate.”
She shook her head.
“Look, it’s probably just a fuse blown in the house,” he said. “We can check it in the morning . . . You can stay here tonight.”
“No! Thanks, but no, I’ll go to a hotel in Castlewest,” she said quickly.
“Don’t be stupid, Kate, it’s after midnight now. The hotel receptions will be closed for the night. I won’t have you going off at this time to town to try and find a room to stay in – Tony would never forgive me!”
She looked at him quizzically. “Would you not be more worried if he found out I stayed the night here?”
Nico looked puzzled. “No – why would I be?”
She didn’t say anything for a while before saying, “What do you think of me and Tony, Nico?”
“What do I think of you?”
“Yes, now you’ve got to know us.”
“Well – eh,” he smiled. “I think you’ve got it made. You’re the dream couple. You have it all.”
“So we seem happy to you?”
“Of course you do. What have you got not to be happy about?”
“A lot. I don’t love Tony any more. I haven’t for a long time. I’ve tried to convince myself I do, but I don’t. I’ve tried everything to make our marriage work, more for Tony’s sake than mine. You see, he does still love me.”
“I had no idea.”
“I’ve been going through the motions for a long time. Our life was this merry-go-round and I thought at first we had just lost sight of each other. That if we could get
rid of everything else, the parties, the meetings, the business, and there was just us, I could get the feelings I once had for him back. Then I saw the house for sale, your house. And I remembered it so well from growing up. And I thought this was a chance to put our lives on the right track. That we could start again almost. We could move down here away from all the distractions of Dublin and the jet-set life we live and it would be just me and Tony and I could be the wife he deserves. We could have an easier pace of life and find each other again. Remember what it was like when we fell in love with each other at the beginning. I’d hoped then we could start a family here, have children and live happily ever after in our house.”
“But Tony adores you.”
“I know he does. But I’m only deceiving myself and him. I keep thinking what you said once about your marriage, that you were still in love, just couldn’t live together any more. Whereas the way I feel with Tony is that I’m so comfortable with him I could live with him forever, I just don’t think I’m in love with him any more. When I heard about your grandfather’s first wife, Clara, I thought somehow I could identify with her. Especially when I found out about her affair with Jonathan Seymour. I thought maybe she was like me – trapped. And then I met with the relative, Amanda Charter, in London. Clara was trapped all right. But not the way I was. She was in love with her husband Pierce but he made her life hell.”
“That’s not true!”
“It’s what her relative told me in London.”
“Well, she would, wouldn’t she?”
“Yes – in the same way you’ll defend your grandfather. The truth is you both only know what you’ve been told. But I’m not relying on other people’s testimonies about my life. I’m here and I’m living it. Tony tries his best to make me happy, but he knows, deep down, that I’m not.”
Nico shook his head. “And what are you going to do?”
“That I don’t know, Nico. Since it’s a night for confessions . . . when I met you, something happened to me that I didn’t understand, and I’ve been fighting it ever since. I found myself falling for you. And by the time I realised that, I was in too deep. You were a threat, Nico. A real threat to me facing up to myself and my marriage and my life. And that’s why I wanted you away from me. That’s why I pleaded with Tony not to employ you. My feelings for you were too dangerous.”
Nico stared at her. “You’re being very honest with me . . . you’re very brave.”
“I’m only being brave because it’s over, Nico. I’ve finished with those feelings for you. I’ve forced myself to put you out of my mind.”
“For you to concentrate on Tony?”
“For me to concentrate on getting my life right.”
They sat in silence for a long while before she stood up. “I’m very tired. Can you show me to my room?”
He nodded then led her up the stairs and opened a door.
“Thanks,” she said, closing the door quickly.
Outside, the rain continued to pour down. Across the road in a lay-by, Tony sat in his car watching the lights go off in Hunter’s Farm.
There was an awkwardness the next morning between Kate and Nico as she came downstairs into the kitchen, dressed in her dried clothes.
“Perhaps you could take a look at that fuse box for me this morning? I don’t fancy the day without electricity.”
“Of course. I’ll drive up after you to the house. Oh, I forgot to tell you, I got the portrait of Clara back from the restorer.”
“Really?”
He walked out and came back a minute later holding the portrait which had been magnificently restored.
She stared at Clara’s image.
“And it turns out the portrait was painted by Jonathan Seymour. I thought that should interest you.” He pointed to Johnny’s signature, now plain to see at the corner of the portrait.
“A portrait of Clara by her lover. But I think I’ve left Clara in the past now, where she belongs,” she said with a sigh. “Anyway, I’d better get going, I’ve a ball to organise.”
He hesitated. “Kate, what you said last night . . .”
She walked quickly to the window. “The rain has gone – it looks like it’s going to be a good day.”
103
Kate walked through the house the evening before the ball. The event organisers and the caterers had just left after their day’s work. The ballroom had been set out in rows of tables, dressed with white linen and table decorations. Walking out to the hall, she saw it had been decorated with a beautiful array of garlands. She walked out the front door and across the forecourt to the row of steps leading down to the terraces. She sat on the first step and gazed out at the view. It was a warm summer’s evening, and the sun was beginning to go down over the lake. Tony spotted her from the drawing room and walked out to her.
“It looks like we’re all set for tomorrow?” he said.
“Yes.” She looked up at him. “It will be an amazing night.”
“With you hosting it, how could it not be?”
“Tony . . . I’ve been thinking . . . maybe we should sell the house and move back to Dublin.”
“Sell the house! Are you mad? With the property crash it’s only worth about half of what we paid for it and that’s before all the money we spent renovating it!”
“Well, rent it out then or something. I just think we might be better off away from here.”
He stared at her incredulously. “But I thought you loved living here. It was your dream!”
“I know it was! I just think it might be time to move on. I miss our old house and –”
“Our old house that you compared to a hotel? Oh no!” He shook his head disbelievingly. “I don’t buy that. What’s the matter Kate, trouble in paradise between you and Nico?”
Her eyes widened, shocked. “I’m sorry?”
“You and Nico had a lovers’ tiff?”
“I don’t like your idea of a joke.”
“No – and I don’t like your relationship with Nico.” He turned and walked quickly back across the forecourt and into the house.
“Tony?” she shouted after him.
She got up and raced after him.
“What are you talking about, Tony?” she demanded as she followed him into the drawing room.
He turned and faced her. “I think you know exactly what I’m talking about. All that time spent together doing this place up. Lunches together, business dinners together – nights together!”
“Nights together? What are you going on about?”
“I know about the night you spent down in Hunter’s Farm when I was away in Dublin.”
“And how do you know about that?” She became angry. “You were having me watched?”
“It doesn’t matter how I know, I just know!”
“So what? I spent a night down in Hunter’s Farm because I got frightened up in the house on my own when the lights failed.”
“You, frightened?” He laughed dismissively. “Just so handy his bed was down the road for you to fall into!”
“You bastard! I slept in the spare room.”
“Yeah – sure you did!”
“Ask Nico if you don’t believe me, although you’ll only succeed in embarrassing both him and yourself.” She took out a cigarette, lit it up and started smoking.
“Don’t take me for a fool, Kate. I know you! I know you better than you know yourself. You’ve fallen in love with him! I know you have!”
She stared at him, startled, and they lapsed into silence. He walked over to the window and stared out.
She went and sat down on the couch and spoke quietly. “I admit I have feelings for him.”
“Oh Kate!” he exclaimed as he put his face into his hands.
“I couldn’t help how I felt, Tony. I’ve fought it every step of the way and I have not been with him, I swear.”
He turned and faced her. “So you were just emotionally unfaithful to me then? I think that’s even worse.”
She put out
the cigarette and stood up. “I’m sorry – I really am! As soon as I realised how I felt I kept away from him, and tried to get him out of our lives. But then you employed him and I couldn’t get away from him. I begged you not to employ him.”
“And why do you think I employed him? It wasn’t because of his super architectural skills, I can assure you.”
“So it was a ploy to try and catch us together?” She shook her head in bewilderment.
“I knew you had fallen for him, and so I wanted to see what you would do. Give you the opportunity to go with him and leave me, if that’s what you wanted.”
“If you knew this was happening why didn’t you fight for me? Instead of testing me?”
“I love you, Kate, but you don’t love me any more.”
“I just don’t know what’s been happening to me lately. I got so caught up in the house here, and the people who lived here and Nico was part of that. He’s part of them and I ended up having these feelings that I couldn’t understand.”
